Sunday, February 22, 2009

it's over...for now

i guess it was bound to happen: certainly if you listened to my friends who would almost daily tell me how wrong/disjointed/crazy/ silly, unfathomable it is/was/ will always be.
i love and trust my friends but when you really love someone and by that i mean: REALLY love from the deepest and darkest regions of your heart and soul one can tell you anything. they all tried to set me on the course that they would walk if they were in the same position that i found myself.
and i found myself about a year ago faced with the man of my dreams: youngish, handsome, vulnerable, physically and mentally strong/ what's not to love, heh?
there was no big bang, no big explosion, no huge argument. we parted as friends a week ago and we will remain friends.
the age difference was too much to overcome maybe. maybe he misses women. but he loves me: this much i know. this much he has told me. but something is missing and neither of us can pinpoint it: which may very well be the problem.
this morning was the first sunday morning in a long time that he wasn't here with me, stumbling out of our bed, hair askew scrounging for coffee and food. i missed that and i missed him.
but hey: he will also miss me. of this i am sure. this is about all that i will say about this. i am going to be really corny here and quote a phrase from one of my favorite, if not my very favorite poem:
WHEN your face
appeared over my crumpled life
at first I understood
only the poverty of what I have.
Then its particular light
on woods, on rivers, on the sea,
became my beginning in the coloured world
in which I had not yet had my begninning.
I am so frightened, I am so frightened,
of the unexpected sunrise finishing,
of revelations
and tears and the excitement finishing.
I don't fight it, my love is this fear,
I nourish it who can nourish nothing,
love's slipshod watchman.
Fear hems me in.
I am conscious that these minutes are short
and that the colours in my eyes will vanish
when your face sets.


Saturday, February 14, 2009


here's hoping you have someone warm or even cold next to you tonight: my 5 readers.
thanks for the support all year.
chet or chaka: couldn't you get both

Sunday, February 8, 2009

"mary, can you hear me?"

this is my first blog in a while and in the time between january first and today my life has been frantic with school, friends, working (yes i do actually pick up a few chef gigs now and then)and loving. my love life is going well: a few bumps but overall we are doing fine.
the uncs had some health problems and i had to rush back and forth from santa barbara to los angeles to care for him. as i have said a number of times: he is/has been/ will always be number one in my life. in fact, i owe my life to him.
i haven't spoken much of my studies but day by day, month by month, year by year...IT all becomes clearer and clearer to me: this is what i was meant to do with my life. i have always had a 6th sense about other people's feelings and thoughts. i was always the person my friends and family came to for advice. my course study is back bending, my resolve to not make it get to me resolute and fierce. i want this. i will get this.
the interning portion of my studies is mind blowing. i get to see first hand how my studies can turn into real help to others. does that make sense? am i being as eloquent as i want to be about a profession that i have spent my whole life striving for?
i hope so because it has been not only a life long dream but a life long goal: this is IT. this is what i want to do with the rest of my life.
music-wise, i have discovered, along with thousands of others on youtube, matthew luke sandoval who i am showcasing here. love this guy. he's got over 50 vids on youtube ranging from the classics to his own compositions. listen to him.