Sunday, May 24, 2009

vampires, damian and oh yes: my last summer here as a student

yes, it is time for me to once more, and for the last time as a student, go to nyc and columbia for advance psychology classes and seminars.
in a week, i will be there: smack dab in the morningside heights (way upper west side, almost harlem really) area of nyc at good ole columbia university. this year i will drive with dennis,my new canaan friend, from chicago. not a long trip i don't think but dennis, being will be a fun and interesting drive.
i will once more intern with a clinical/sports psychologist whose practice is on the upper west side very near columbus circle.
new york city has been very special to me always. even as a child the uncs brought me there for vacations and we went to the opera and ballet and to central park (strawberry fields) to listen to him reminisce on how important the beatles played a part in his life.
i was immersed in his memories of nyc for years but now i have my own: once again strawberry fields, carnegie deli, the university, running down broadway to 36th where macy's takes up a whole city block and of course the vampires and the many things that transpired last year on the 4th of july: making out with one of the vamps, watching the nathan's hot dog eating contest on coney island, watching two gay men in their 70's making out in front of carnegie hall on a hot sunday morning and my transexual prostitute neighbors who sucked off old men in order to pay their tuition.
i have a life i think in nyc and though i have always felt that i would practice in southern california, nyc now seems like a viable possibility.
i will once again live in the dorms but will now live alone yet among other university students.
to be honest it will be a relief to be alone and far away from bob and all the emotional shit that that entails. i will be able and look forward to seeing dennis and his moms and pops in new canaan connecticut. new canaan is/has always been a source of good stories, innit?
much life, many memories, some sadness, lots of learning and experiences await me there. and how can forget damian. damian: one of the hottest fucks of my whole life. we didn't even exchange names until the next morning. i am wistful: overly so i admit about him. oh well. one of the many pleasures of nyc is the men. men of all shapes and sizes, all ethnicities: a cornucopia of manhood.
i look forward to it: now more than ever. wish me luck.

Friday, May 1, 2009

it's been a long time since i have written down my thoughts in this blog. it's about time, innit?
the breakup with bob lingered and festered and made me physically sick. yet, i was never more committed to my studies as i have been the last few months. strange, huh?
i guess anything to avoid the reality of the man that i loved left me. the man that i thought that I would spend the rest of my life with didn't want me anymore. the man with whom i planned to have children left because "something was missing."
we loved each other: all the fibers of my being tell me that this was true...on both our parts.
i see bob daily as he is a professor here at ucsb. when i see him i want to run away. and many times i did. i couldn't bare to see him, to look into his beautiful face, to hear the beautiful tone of his voice, to notice how well he looked.
but now some months later, i am better. i can and do deal.
the pain is lessening. i can talk to him now without too much trouble.
my friends have been a big help and so has the uncs though he has had his own, more physical problem with which to deal.
i am surviving because of the love that surrounds me. i may not be loved by that special person but i am enveloped in the love of friends and family.
i will move on. i HAVE moved on.
i often wonder what i would do, what would i feel if i saw bob with another guy or even a woman and i know that i would feel as if a stake had been driven through my already swollen and hurting heart. but maybe not.
i thank god on a daily basis that i have my studies to keep me busy. my internship with a local sports psychologist helps me put my life into perspective...believe me. i hear stories of real pain and anguish on a daily basis and i think: you fucking fool and YOU think that you have problems??
i have started, as this is part of my studies, to counsel athletes on any number of problems psychological in nature, that can affect performance.
i have even had a couple of dates and fucked a couple of dudes: signs that lead me to believe that i am really moving on. a couple of months ago i closed up emotionally and physically: i did not jerk off for weeks. i turned off all emotions except those that i felt for the uncs and for my friends. i turned down dates. the thought of spending time with a man made me physically ill.
the fact that i am even writing here is a good sign: of this i am sure.
music also helps and there is so much of it around me lately. minnie ripperton once again is helping me to survive: laura nyro also. nyro...the music of my Moms. the music she played while she cleaned the house when i was so so young.
i look at my uncs and i can see my mother there inside him. (he is her brother)
he looks at me with concern and love when i smile at him and say: i see you there, i know that you are watching over me. i guess he thinks that i am speaking to him and i leave it at that. why would i want to hurt the one man in my life on whom i can really count?
so 3 readers: i am here. i am good as i can be. i will survive. school has never been better and i look forward to my last school in nyc this summer: vampires i'm coming back!
thank you to the few of you who have kept in touch via my e-mail. you have been of major help to me and i will never forget you for this.