Rising from the Flames like the Phoenix...

sonoma, the uncs and a birthday

2011-07-06T20:52:00.000-07:00

so the uncs and i have been in sonoma since before the 4th and we have been reaquainting ourselves with each other.
we have been wine tasting, hiking, running, eating everything in sight. i love this man. his name is michael btw and he, as a young stupid 23 years old took the risk after my parents were killed and adopted me as a 10 year old.
now: think of yourself as a 23 year old. who in the fuck would adopt, take responsibilty for a child? a child who was grieving, sullen,angry?
but thinking about it now as an adult, i know why he did. he is my mother's brother and he wanted no one else raising me.
i know this was not easy for him. he had to give up privacy, he had to give up his life for me really...at least for awhile. i became the center of his life. his reason for living...and he became the center of mine. i owe my life to him. he saved me. he is the constant. he is barometer. i will care for him and love him all of my days.
i love you uncle michael: happy birthday!

taking the virgin to los angeles

2011-06-29T17:24:00.000-07:00

goodbye new york. i will be back in september a full blown sports psychologist: licensed and ready to enter phase 3 of my life. ( i await the results of my licensing exams but i am confident about them turning out in my favor)
i am sitting in kennedy airport about to take virgin airlines to los angeles for one last fling as a kid.
this will be a summer of surfing, drinking beer, playing with friends in both LA and santa barbara.
it will also be a summer with my uncle michael. we are planning to go to sonoma, just the two of us, next weekend for a few days of drinking wine, eating great food and dedicating our time to being best friends again. my uncle is the closest person to me in the world. he has always been there for me. and now i will be able to spend some personal time with him. i look so forward to this.
so: goodbye new york, if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere. i WILL be back.
peace,
tyler
what better song to end this piece than this? corny, i know but appropriate.

guys that i would like to fuck if i could, part 2

2011-06-28T19:37:00.000-07:00

part 1 was almost three years ago so i figured it was time to update the list. this time i have decided to include dudes that i have actually fucked. so in those cases the title would be: guys that i have fucked that i would like to fuck again.
it is doubtful and in reality impossible to have any of these guys once much less twice for a number of reasons too numerous to go into to here.
ok. so this sean. we met at a soho bar. it was 3 years ago and we only fucked once but obviously i still think about him. here is the story: 2 am. we have glanced at each other off and on the whole night. at last call i walked past him. he pulled my arm and said: come home with me. i went. we fucked. it was amazing. end of story. i want him again. how do i have his photo? i stole it from his bedroom. do i regret it? the stealing no, the not having him again yes.
sean and i will get married in a biker bar in newark and sean's brother earl would officiate. we would honeymoon in niagara falls and conceive our first child there. we would eventually have 5 kids and sean will stay married to me for 40 years. we will have a simple life together: gardening for our food, become vegans and letting all of our body hair grow in. we would be natural guys. sean would eventually die of consumption from breathing gasoline fumes while fixing the cars of the neighborhood teenagers who would pay him with blunts. i will mourn for him until i die at 90: poor, bone thin yet happy with thoughts of joining my sean in heaven.
jared is a carryover from 3 years ago and wouldn't you know it? we haven't met yet. but he has in those 3 years grown wings. he is an angel. he comes from heaven, this explains his other worldly body. i love him.
jared and i will live in hawaii hardly ever wearing clothing, we will be pineapple farmers and sell our wares at weekly farmers markets. we won't have much money but we will have many children, smoke a lot of reefer and surf daily.
jared will die at 40 during a horrific typhoon and leave me millions of dollars he hoarded away in our beach lean to under the banana leaf flooring. i would never find out the source of the money but as i get older and unable to get sex for free, i will use this money to buy cute rent boys. jared would approve.

this is oliver: i know an odd name for such a natural, cigar smokin',bourbon guzzling, slightly red neckish dude but his mother was a big fan of the comedy team laurel and hardy (oliver) and so there you have it.
oliver told me that he had to become buff because he had to fight all of his life to defend his mothers right to name him OLIVER.
i almost met oliver a couple of years ago in bentonville, arkansas. and by almost i mean we had a date to meet at a bar via facebook but he never showed up.
oliver and i carried on a webcam "relationship" for a year and to say that he was orgasmic would be denying his full impact. he is a sexy fucking guy.he reeks of sex appeal. and this is not a performance: he is what he is and both men and women flock to him and wait to be chosen. nice work if you can get it, yes?
i never heard from him again after his not showing up. i guess he was married with 8 kids and his wife found out that he was going to meet up with me and that we would w/o a doubt have raunchy, disgusting sex fueled by booze and god knows what else. maybe oliver will see this and contact me. yeah...right!

this is rodrigo santoro. he is beautiful. he is an actor. he kissed nicole kidman in a chanel perfume tv ad. look into his eyes and you will know why i love him and why i want him to have my babies.(btw: when i asked him about kissing nicole he told me that it was like kissing a marble statue...cold and hard)
in fact, rod and i will have many children: 10 at least. 5 boys and 5 girls. rod will leave his career to take care of them. i will see patients in milan while he washes diapers and milk bottles. he will learn to be a primo cook and will prepare home made, natural baby food which he will turn into a huge business in europe.
rod will develop the ability to nurse our children afterall he has the nipples and a huge maternal side. the milk flows naturally from his big brown nips.
several times a week he and i will sneak out to my audi 800 and have sex; the screams waking up the neighborhood, making the dogs bark and waking up our 10 kids. one time a neighbor calls the police because she thinks that i am murdering rod.
we live until our 90's and continue to have sex until the very end. all 10 children grow up to be professionals: doctors, lawyers and indian chiefs. rodrigo leaves me his money and i galavant all through europe bedding every man that money can buy and some that dont charge me. i die during a heated fuck with a distant relative of attila the hun. i literally fuck him to death: mine.

ok so here we have a professional chef, chuck hughes who owns a terrific restaurant in montreal. chuck is a sexy mofo who obviously can show me a good time at the dinner table and in the bed, or kitchen table or out back among the garbage cans. he is not as sleek as rocco di spirito nor homey as mario batali but he can cook and nothing to me is sexier than a man who can cook me some good food.
chuck and i will travel the world looking for new ingredients from which to devise the next big food trend. we will never marry but we will be together for many years. we will decide not to have children because of our serendipitous lifestyle. in our 80's we will settle down in lake como in italy, living next door to george clooney. we will farm, ski and buddy around with george who by this point will be over 100. i will become clooney's caretaker and change his diapers and chuck will make him gourmet baby/adult food. we will have a good life, never regret not having children and devote our lives to each other instead of to children. we will die in a terrible car accident on the autobahn and leave all of our worldly goods to the sisters of mercy.
so there you go. love is often just beyond our reaches though we all indeed reach, claw for it. it's often a fantasy. and it never hurts anyone to fantasize, innit?
peace,
tyler
nothing better than this to get you into a romantic mood:

COLOURS and other stuff

2011-06-26T11:37:00.000-07:00

(the rest of the above poem goes like this):
fear hems me in. i am conscious that these minutes are short and that the colours in my eyes will vanish when your face sets.

i love this poem by yvegeny yevtushenko. it's called COLOURS.
i have known of this poem for many years as my moms used to read it to me as a baby. i relate it to moms and my losing her. i can also apply it to anyone with whom i have ever been in love. this is the kind of love that goes deeply and as a result deeply wounds when he/it goes away. obviously for me i think of bob though i often wonder what happened to another love-of-my-life, marc.
COLOURS is obviously not just about romantic love but of love in general. it's about the abandon with which we deal with love: both when we are in the midst of it, enjoying and luxuriating in it but also with our inability to hold onto to it. it is fleeting. it doesn't stay long. but there is also in those few words...hope. and it is with this wistful hope that we leave the world and words of COLOURS .
read it. let in sink in. commit it to memory. it will dwell in that special place in your psyche: a place that you will visit time and time again for the rest of your life.

this has been a whirlwind weekend for me. my buddy evan was in nyc with me for most of last week and friday morning we decide to go to LV and to check out the electric daisy carnival. so we went to las vegas and experienced the primo professionalism of first rate Dj's Tiesto, Steve Aoki, Deep South and others. btw: i am making it sound like we attended a seminar on the art of DJ'ing. but no this was a wham bam thank you mam, full out, raunchy, liquor consuming, drug addled rave filled with sexy shirtless men and women high both on life and on X ( i assume): a dancing, trancing, fist pumping good time.
we then jumped on a plane for Los Angeles to have dinner with the Uncs at AGO: one of my favorite LA restaurants.
I am now on my way home via virgin america (hence the internet connection) to spend my last week as a resident in nyc. after that: back to los angeles to await the results of my exams and then back to nyc in september for phase 3 of my real life. i can't wait. 9 years of motha fucking studies, schooling, analysis and on and on. but hey: i survived and perservered, i won the battle.

bob was becoming a faded memory, though one filled with the wistfulness of missed opportunity. but, wouldn't you know it, the old sod called me a few days ago and asked me out for coffee. i did not give him an answer. but facts are facts: he is back with his ex-wife. he has no inclination to leave her again. so what do i get out of this? nothing except to recall all the heartache and pain associated with our relationship and its subsequent break-up. on the other hand since when did that kind of stuff get in the way with my spending time with bob, heh? i'm a fool for love and a fool when it comes to him. believe me i have spoken to my therapist at length about this. there are sometimes things in your life that you must merely survive, get through not bring to conclusion, not solve. and fuck me: this bob shit is definitely one of them for me.
if i could trust myself, trust my emotions enough to stay neutral i would meet him and just fuck the shit out of him. but i trust neither myself nor my emotions around bob so it is better for me to stay away, isn't it?

so, i will be back in southern california soon. my birthplace. my home. i want to see all of my friends and my family. i will surf, go to the beach, play with friends both from santa barbara and los angeles.
when i leave this time it will probably be for good (uncle michael: this does not mean i will never be back in so cal ever, so chill). my life is entering a new phase. i look forward to the future.
peace,
tyler
this is a very cool remix of deadmau5 faxing berlin:

it is within an inch away from my grasp

2011-06-21T07:53:00.000-07:00

it has been over a year and a half that i have posted here and a lot has gone on in that time.
first of all, career-wise: i am just finishing up my residency in nyc at columbia. i just got the word last night that if,i pass my exams i will return to nyc a member of a very well thought of sports medicine firm in nyc. whoo-hoooo!
so: what i have been striving for for 9 years is an inch away from my grasp.
spending these last months in nyc has been terrific as usual. you all know how much i love nyc. but i have always been here under the auspices of the university. when i return in september, i will be on my own (though of course you never lose the friends and connections you made in college0: living in nyc like a regular person with a big fat degree and a license from the states of both new york and california hanging on my office wall.
it it sounds like i am bursting with pride and a healthy sense of accomplishment: i am.
i did it.
as far as a personal life: eh! not too much is going on. i met and had a couple dates here but nothing that amounts to boyfriend material. i have a sweet, funny thing going on with a certain dude from colorado: but that is internet and we will see.
more later. i hope all of my 3 fans will see that i am back and will comment. and to you new readers: welcome to my world.
peace,
tyler

(btw: the dude with the green shirt is michael fassbinder, my new infatuation)

i'm here, i'm in europe with the uncs and...

2010-01-18T20:54:00.000-08:00

i am months away from finishing with school and earning my phd. i have been in europe since 1/2/10. i have been to milan, rome, bucharest, prague, paris and will return to italy tomorrow.
christmas and new years: i spent with the uncs and his lover. bob is a faint memory but when i do think of him, my heart winces. i see him every so often on campus and i marvel at how beautiful he is and remember how wonderful our lovemaking was.
it is very late here in bucharest, romania and i half expect to hear/see on local tv that another poor soul has been bitten on the neck and sucked dry of all of his blood.
fanciful and romantic, heh?
i have not found another to love or he hasn't found me....or both. i alternately am in pain but here are some of the things that have lifted my spirits of late:
1. broken embraces: almodovars wonderful movie about finding, losing, regaining and then losing love again and again
2. alicia keys new cd: listen to "i'm ready"
3.dr g. on discovery health
4.movie: lemon tree
5. up in the air: george clooney
and of course family and friends and professors.
sorry about this blog being so disjointed and short. i had not intended to write it. but so be it. i hope that my few readers find it, read it and comment.
peace,
tyler

ok so it took me 6 weeks to get back to it....

2009-08-07T19:01:00.000-07:00

the trip and bbq to new canaan was uneventful this year but nonetheless loads of fun. i love dennis and his moms and pops and they me.
we ate. we drank, we had deep conversations about all sorts of subjects.
these are the kinds of conversations that come from a place of love and respect and therefore we were all as forthcoming as possible. we bleed the truth with no thought of repercussion: either emotional or physical.
we ate, we drank, we got even closer than ever.
so now it is august and i have been here in nyc for almost two months. school is going well and it is a little sad that that this is my last summer in nyc and columbia for this time next year i will have my phD and well into my internship.
7/4/09: what a wild fucking day and night. the vampires are back and one in particular, elliott is on me almost all of the time as you all know elliott is an english under graduate. he is beautiful in a blond, lithe and weird.. not really my type but i can't stop thinking and dreaming about fucking him.
july 4th i went to witness the coney island hot dog eating contest and reveled in the outrageousness of the whole affair. i mean i enjoy a good hot dog once in a while but to eat 68 in 10 minutes or even 10 days makes me want to puke.
the central park concert was a wild affair just as it was last year. people fucking on the lawn, smoking spliff, generally acting a fool. just exactly my scene.
so it is now august 7 and i am loving nyc even more than before. dennis is spending a lot of time with me here in the city and this weekend his moms and pops are coming here and all 4 of us will paint the town blue. more on this later.
peace,
tyler
i'm listening to this a lot lately:

the ice storm redux: new canaan june 2009...PART 1

2009-06-22T17:44:00.000-07:00

ang lee, the most humane of current movie directors made a movie of rick moody's...err moody novel, the ice storm in new canaan. the movie was set in the swinging 70's: all bell bottoms, wife swapping and swilling of stoly vodka.
and here i am in new canaan with a waspy family but a family filled and encased with love, not in the general sense of love, the love the one your with love or love is all we need lovr but one of real, deep and all abiding love: it's dennis' moms and pops. they are full of the stuff. they are over flowing with caring and they love their son so much that it sometimes makes me timid, makes me jealous, makes me a yearning hunk of melting, on fire hot humankind.
ok: so saturday after the car wash with pops means shopping at whole foods for saturday night's requisite bbq at which i am the designated cook but pops is the designated sponsor of said event. so pops and i go to the super gay, super waspy new canaan whole foods and it is there where we find all sorts of comestibles at ridiculous prices and i wonder: where is this so-called minor depression that everyone on tv is discussing? well i'm here to tell you it ain't here in new canaan that is for sure.
so pops pushes the cart while i take and throw things into the cart...and after two years of these bbq's, i do not even look at the cost of anything, which for me, is a revelation as i,like most, must watch every penny i spend. but so be it.
i decide that i will bbq a lamb leg which i will bone, marinate in oil, mint and garlic. we will also have bbq'd artichoke hearts with garlic dipping cream and a shitload of smashed oregon yellow potatoes/butter and creme fraiche. since it is pops favorite, i will also make my infamous brownies. we also bought a case of cambria chardonnay and one of shraumsberg blanc de noir champagne...and for me 3 lbs of dark chocolate with almonds...which i start to eat in the store.
there are a lot and i mean a lot of gay couples with strollers and children and they give the pops and i the once over and damn it if pops clings to me in a suggestive manner...the old sod, heh?
so the shopping done, pops suggests that we hit the country club for drinks (moms and dennis are out shopping)and he intros me to his cronies as his son's good friend...
of course we get a little drunk on patron anejo and proceed to have a great time talking about dennis: who we both love, respect and adore.
dennis is the kind of dude that, even after you (as in me) don't write or e-mail him for a while will always seem up and positive when you finally decide to do so. he does not have one whit of bitchiness or negativity in his body. dennis is a refreshing person: one who makes you feel good about yourself by merely being in his company.
so pops and i spend 4 hours at the country club boozing like maniacs and crawl home basically...and i wonder: how the fuck am i going to put this huge bbq dinner together in THIS condition?
more soon.
peace,
t.

new canaan, connecticut: 06 20 09

2009-06-20T18:49:00.000-07:00

arrived here this morning via train and dennis' pops was waiting for me. it has become a tradition now that pops and i go to the new canaan car wash when i am in town to have his car washed.
for you long standing readers: many things have happened in said car wash including an extremely handsome dude who came onto me, while pops was dealing with something and asked me if pops and i were lovers...out of the blue as it were. now the pops is a very handsome 50 ish man and, to be honest, he and i do make a head turning couple...but he is str8, married to dennis' mom and much more important to me as a father and mentor than as a proposed lover.
in other words: i keep my hands and my mind off the goods and respect and love him in a fatherly way. enough said?
anyways, pops and i went directly to the car wash. and what a car wash it is: dry cleaners, putting green, massage chair, snack bar serving fucking ceviche and now, new for this year: a tequila shot bar.
so, who am i to go against the grain of a groovy suburban town like this, heh? yup: the pops and i have a couple of patron anjeo's while his new escalade is being washed.
ok: so yes i had to wonder how the total white waspy-ness of pops would decide to buy that most hip-hoppish of vehicles: an escalade.
when i asked him about it almost immediately after we left the train station he merely said: "tyler, i'm hip." and you know what...the pops is, was and will forever be just that.
we did shots, we ate ceviche and i even got a pedicure today all in the company of one of my favorite men of all times: dennis' pops.
nothing else much happened but dennis lent me his father for a few hours and i basked in the love of a man whose only thoughts about/towards me were based on love, respect and an abiding interest in my well being.
i have been without a father for so long that our time together is very very dear to me. thanks pops: you are the tops!
peace,
tyler

monday, 6/15/09, D-DAY

2009-06-15T21:19:00.000-07:00

all went well today but it was a major bitch of a day: required workout, analysis with a new analyst...never an easy thing. seminars were heavy but stimulating. right now i need some pinot noir and i brought enough trader joe's dark chocolate with almonds to last me...ok maybe a month. so i am set.
for now, for tonight.
my new living quarters are plush as befitting an almost clinical psychologist. yeah i know that is a quasi superior attitude. but c'mon i've worked like a mother fuck to get here at the point in my life when my life's goal is actually within my reach: i can see it, i can feel it inside and i can almost touch it.
speaking of touching it, elliott the beautiful english undergrad and super cute vampire and i made out like bandits today in central park: very close to the scene of our near sex of last july 4th. he makes me crazy: what can i say?
anyone watching nurse jackie on showtime? do so. it is primo and of course, true blood started again last night: speaking of vampires. more later.
peace,
t.

i'm here, i'm partied out and i'm ready to work

2009-06-13T20:57:00.000-07:00

dennis and i arrived here in nyc a couple of days ago and have not stopped surveying, working out, surfing and generally partying: all or most of which will end very very soon...as in after tomorrow, sunday.
then the real work of why i am here in nyc begins.
classes, seminars, interning, assisting the profs, working out: all of this on a daily basis.
the vampires have made their presence known and elliott (you remember the one that i almost fucked on the lawn in strawberry fields last july 4th) and i have chatted and even nuzzled a bit. a couple of the vamps are following me but they are so beautiful that i really don't care. why is it that under grad english majors are so gorgeous, huh?
by the way i asked elliott what he thought of the HBO series, TRUE BLOOD and he said: pure fiction! you gotta love dem vamps.
i will spend some time with dennis and his pops amd moms in new canaan very soon and if you remember from last year: new canaan is a rockin' place! suburbia at its wealthiest and sleaziest. i love it there and i love dennis' family. more on that later.
dennis, btw has eased into his gayness since last year when he revealed all to his his family. we never really become bonified gay men until that happens, ain't that the truth? anyway, dennis has matured, has had his heart broken by an older dude and is now pining for a younger one: all signs that our boy dennis is easin' and breezin' into gay life with a smile.
more on all of this later.
peace,
tyler
i'm currently loving this song:

vampires, damian and oh yes: my last summer here as a student

2009-05-24T16:50:00.000-07:00

yes, it is time for me to once more, and for the last time as a student, go to nyc and columbia for advance psychology classes and seminars.
in a week, i will be there: smack dab in the morningside heights (way upper west side, almost harlem really) area of nyc at good ole columbia university. this year i will drive with dennis,my new canaan friend, from chicago. not a long trip i don't think but dennis, being dennis....it will be a fun and interesting drive.
i will once more intern with a clinical/sports psychologist whose practice is on the upper west side very near columbus circle.
new york city has been very special to me always. even as a child the uncs brought me there for vacations and we went to the opera and ballet and to central park (strawberry fields) to listen to him reminisce on how important the beatles played a part in his life.
i was immersed in his memories of nyc for years but now i have my own: once again strawberry fields, carnegie deli, the university, running down broadway to 36th where macy's takes up a whole city block and of course the vampires and the many things that transpired last year on the 4th of july: making out with one of the vamps, watching the nathan's hot dog eating contest on coney island, watching two gay men in their 70's making out in front of carnegie hall on a hot sunday morning and my transexual prostitute neighbors who sucked off old men in order to pay their tuition.
i have a life i think in nyc and though i have always felt that i would practice in southern california, nyc now seems like a viable possibility.
i will once again live in the dorms but will now live alone yet among other university students.
to be honest it will be a relief to be alone and far away from bob and all the emotional shit that that entails. i will be able and look forward to seeing dennis and his moms and pops in new canaan connecticut. new canaan is/has always been a source of good stories, innit?
much life, many memories, some sadness, lots of learning and experiences await me there. and how can forget damian. damian: one of the hottest fucks of my whole life. we didn't even exchange names until the next morning. i am wistful: overly so i admit about him. oh well. one of the many pleasures of nyc is the men. men of all shapes and sizes, all ethnicities: a cornucopia of manhood.
i look forward to it: now more than ever. wish me luck.

2009-05-01T20:16:00.000-07:00

it's been a long time since i have written down my thoughts in this blog. it's about time, innit?
the breakup with bob lingered and festered and made me physically sick. yet, i was never more committed to my studies as i have been the last few months. strange, huh?
i guess anything to avoid the reality of the man that i loved left me. the man that i thought that I would spend the rest of my life with didn't want me anymore. the man with whom i planned to have children left because "something was missing."
we loved each other: all the fibers of my being tell me that this was true...on both our parts.
i see bob daily as he is a professor here at ucsb. when i see him i want to run away. and many times i did. i couldn't bare to see him, to look into his beautiful face, to hear the beautiful tone of his voice, to notice how well he looked.
but now some months later, i am better. i can and do deal.
the pain is lessening. i can talk to him now without too much trouble.
my friends have been a big help and so has the uncs though he has had his own, more physical problem with which to deal.
i am surviving because of the love that surrounds me. i may not be loved by that special person but i am enveloped in the love of friends and family.
i will move on. i HAVE moved on.
i often wonder what i would do, what would i feel if i saw bob with another guy or even a woman and i know that i would feel as if a stake had been driven through my already swollen and hurting heart. but maybe not.
i thank god on a daily basis that i have my studies to keep me busy. my internship with a local sports psychologist helps me put my life into perspective...believe me. i hear stories of real pain and anguish on a daily basis and i think: you fucking fool and YOU think that you have problems??
i have started, as this is part of my studies, to counsel athletes on any number of problems psychological in nature, that can affect performance.
i have even had a couple of dates and fucked a couple of dudes: signs that lead me to believe that i am really moving on. a couple of months ago i closed up emotionally and physically: i did not jerk off for weeks. i turned off all emotions except those that i felt for the uncs and for my friends. i turned down dates. the thought of spending time with a man made me physically ill.
the fact that i am even writing here is a good sign: of this i am sure.
music also helps and there is so much of it around me lately. minnie ripperton once again is helping me to survive: laura nyro also. nyro...the music of my Moms. the music she played while she cleaned the house when i was so so young.
i look at my uncs and i can see my mother there inside him. (he is her brother)
he looks at me with concern and love when i smile at him and say: i see you there, i know that you are watching over me. i guess he thinks that i am speaking to him and i leave it at that. why would i want to hurt the one man in my life on whom i can really count?
so 3 readers: i am here. i am good as i can be. i will survive. school has never been better and i look forward to my last school in nyc this summer: vampires i'm coming back!
thank you to the few of you who have kept in touch via my e-mail. you have been of major help to me and i will never forget you for this.
peace,
tyler

supplication

2009-03-10T21:24:00.000-07:00

satriani approaches the altar of jeff beck and kneels in supplication....

i need you tonight.....

2009-03-09T19:40:00.000-07:00

sometimes i need this song to get me through. maybe to wallow a bit as she is wallowing in the deep recesses of unrequited love.
listen. relate if you can.
peace,
tyler

deadmau5

2009-03-06T19:30:00.000-08:00

if all else fails.....DANCE!
study, classes, work, working out, being with friends,going out and dancing. these are the things that have helped me in the process of getting over bob.
also: talking to my counselor has definitely helped. the odd thing is that i didn't automatically think that i needed counseling which is EXACTLY what i needed.
i'm better. i will go on with my life. i hurt still as an unhealed wound smarts when it is accidentally touched.
peace,
tyler

it's over...for now

2009-02-22T17:50:00.000-08:00

i guess it was bound to happen: certainly if you listened to my friends who would almost daily tell me how wrong/disjointed/crazy/ silly, unfathomable it is/was/ will always be.
i love and trust my friends but when you really love someone and by that i mean: REALLY love from the deepest and darkest regions of your heart and soul love...no one can tell you anything. they all tried to set me on the course that they would walk if they were in the same position that i found myself.
and i found myself about a year ago faced with the man of my dreams: youngish, handsome, vulnerable, physically and mentally strong/ what's not to love, heh?
there was no big bang, no big explosion, no huge argument. we parted as friends a week ago and we will remain friends.
the age difference was too much to overcome maybe. maybe he misses women. but he loves me: this much i know. this much he has told me. but something is missing and neither of us can pinpoint it: which may very well be the problem.
this morning was the first sunday morning in a long time that he wasn't here with me, stumbling out of our bed, hair askew scrounging for coffee and food. i missed that and i missed him.
but hey: he will also miss me. of this i am sure. this is about all that i will say about this. i am going to be really corny here and quote a phrase from one of my favorite, if not my very favorite poem:
WHEN your face
appeared over my crumpled life
at first I understood
only the poverty of what I have.
Then its particular light
on woods, on rivers, on the sea,
became my beginning in the coloured world
in which I had not yet had my begninning.
I am so frightened, I am so frightened,
of the unexpected sunrise finishing,
of revelations
and tears and the excitement finishing.
I don't fight it, my love is this fear,
I nourish it who can nourish nothing,
love's slipshod watchman.
Fear hems me in.
I am conscious that these minutes are short
and that the colours in my eyes will vanish
when your face sets.

peace,
tyler

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!

2009-02-14T16:27:00.000-08:00

here's hoping you have someone warm or even cold next to you tonight: my 5 readers.
thanks for the support all year.
chet or chaka: couldn't decide...so you get both
peace,
tyler

"mary, can you hear me?"

2009-02-08T21:00:00.000-08:00

this is my first blog in a while and in the time between january first and today my life has been frantic with school, friends, working (yes i do actually pick up a few chef gigs now and then)and loving. my love life is going well: a few bumps but overall we are doing fine.
the uncs had some health problems and i had to rush back and forth from santa barbara to los angeles to care for him. as i have said a number of times: he is/has been/ will always be number one in my life. in fact, i owe my life to him.
i haven't spoken much of my studies but day by day, month by month, year by year...IT all becomes clearer and clearer to me: this is what i was meant to do with my life. i have always had a 6th sense about other people's feelings and thoughts. i was always the person my friends and family came to for advice. my course study is back bending, my resolve to not make it get to me resolute and fierce. i want this. i will get this.
the interning portion of my studies is mind blowing. i get to see first hand how my studies can turn into real help to others. does that make sense? am i being as eloquent as i want to be about a profession that i have spent my whole life striving for?
i hope so because it has been not only a life long dream but a life long goal: this is IT. this is what i want to do with the rest of my life.
music-wise, i have discovered, along with thousands of others on youtube, matthew luke sandoval who i am showcasing here. love this guy. he's got over 50 vids on youtube ranging from the classics to his own compositions. listen to him.
peace,
tyler

laura nyro

2009-01-01T14:12:00.000-08:00

today i watched a music/interview show hosted by elvis costello. today's guest musician was elton john. now the reason this is of any importance to me and therefore to all of you is that elton john is a rabid laura nyro fan. according to elton...since the late 1960's when nyro began her career as a professional.
so why is all of this so personal to me? well, for at least 2 reasons:
1. moms played nyro all the time and though i was very young, i still remember the songs. she probably played nyro when she was pregnant with me so therefore i was aware of nyro before my actual birth.
2. because my uncle is moms brother, he too was/is a laura nyro fan and since he raised me once the 'rents were gone, i continued to be immersed in nyro's music until now i am a big fan of hers.
so sir elton went on about nyro for about 15 minutes, playing snippets of her music, rhapsodizing about how important she was to many current musicians and generally being a fan. i love him for this. elton is a music fan as well as a musician and has no problem talking up someone other than himself.
nyro is not for everyone obviously and her musical output stopped in 1997 when she died of ovarian cancer: so her career spanned a mere 10 years.
ahhh, but what music! personal, dramatic, complex, musically mature and complicated but always accessible if you are open to it. she was never a star though much of her work was recorded and made into hits by others.
laura is a family thing to me as in she is like a part of my family and when i listen to her i can't help but think of my beautiful moms: her hair falling in her face washing dishes or doing laundry or some such household chore (i really can't be sure as i was very very young)or sitting on this big green chair, singing the lyrics to herself, reading, thinking, being.
the vid above is a recording of laura doing a very old song accompanied by patty labelle: a very simple, direct song...in many ways like her own work and in many ways not like her own work. you tube has a decent array of her stuff. check it out.
peace,
tyler

new years eve: the loneliest night of the year?

2008-12-27T17:31:00.000-08:00

well, it looks like my european trip is off this year due to an unforseen personal situation.
bob is bummed. i am bummed also but we will make the best of it here in santa barbara. in many ways it will be a relief to just kick back and relax for a month and eat, fuck, drink, work out, run on the beach and generally stay close to home and close to my uncle michael in los angeles: which is a short hop away from me. without revelaing too much, the uncs comes first above all others and he needs me now.
i have seen a number of movies: milk (very good), doubt (empty headed), benjamin button (very close to perfect)and revolutionary road (riveting).
bob and i will spend new years eve in los angeles: we will make a big party, i will cook...it will be a blast. the sb bros will meet the la bros and i will referee the ensuing confrontation.....more on that later.
peace,
tyler
12/31/08

misc stuff in no particular order

2008-12-14T14:16:00.000-08:00

the vampires left before i could say goodbye the day after the great dinner we had at downey's. there were reports of rat, dog and cat bones littered all over state street the next day in the sb newspaper.

christmas is coming sooner than later. i don't know about you but i feel enervated about the whole thing. i can't seem to dredge up much enthusiasm. the best thing is that i will be spending some time in los angeles with the uncs.
i did have a tree-trimming party here in sb in the dorm and that was fun but something was missing, christmas spirit-wise, ya know?
the guests were great, the food was slammin' and the tequila and wine were primo....but. bob was in a good mood and actually made an effort to get to know the bros. he also got drunk. but drunk in a good way: touchy, kissy, feely, vulnerable, defenses down, happy.
he was a hit with my friends both male and female. btw: there were 2 of his actual current students attending and he didn't outwardly flinch though i could sense a little trepidation. he soon got over that.

i am a great fan of jason statham (seen here) and i recently saw his "transporter3" which was a whole lot of fun. i read an article in which the director/writer of all three transporters wrote that he had created this character as a gay man. if that is true though, why does statham always have a scene in each film fucking a woman? nevertheless, run to see transporter3...it is a hoot. i firmly believe that they should have picked statham as the new james bond but maybe his screen personna is too ironic, too macho, too sexy, too edgey for bond. another statham movie that rocks is "crank," which is an updating of the 50'ish film noir, "d.o.a." and funny as hell.

---the bitter pill: de la hoya vs pacquiao---
obviously, at least to those who know me, the oscar de la hoya fight of last saturday night was a major downer for me: he lost. no, more to the point, he was hammered and taken apart by manny pacquiao. it was the first time that a de la hoya fight had to be stopped: stopped because de la hoya's handlers threw in the towel that is. i honestly don't remember if the white towel was actually thrown in the ring as by this time, i was not only pissed off but pissed...as in, if not drunk, well on my way there...as were my bros, also de la hoya fans. there are many social and moral reasons why de la hoya is a hero to me, some are: he is a los angeleno, his family is from mexico (as my pops parents were), he has done a lot for the poor of east los angeles and is basically a cool, moral,socially conscious and humble man.
he should not have taken this fight. it was a mistake. he should have retired without staining his professional rep with this travesty of a bout. i'm sad. my bros are sad. i am bracing myself now because hbo is re-broadcasting the fight right now and i am totally sober. will i be able to watch it again?

peace,
tyler

the vampires have risen....

2008-12-03T21:05:00.000-08:00

so i'm sure you all remember the vampires from my stay in nyc this last summer and from my close encounter with a particular one on july 4th in central park. if you remember i was about to fuck him when something told me: don't do it!
for once, i didn't and i came to learn that he (edgar) was part of a group of vampires who also attended columbia with me though they were all under grads and all english majors. more importantly, they were all devastatingly handsome.
if you also remember, they followed me around the university watching my every move which was on the one hand sexy but on the other...creepy.
edgar also called me here in sb asking if i would mind a visit but hey i ain't no fool: iknow that if you invite a vampire into your home that he can do anything that a guest can do. so i demurred.
so what happened? the whole bunch came a callin' to me at ucsb en masse...all 6 of them. and fuck did they make a commotion or what? they are deathly white, beautiful, well dressed, un naturally muscled and unmistakingly and devastatingly sexy.
they strode into one of my classes mentored by a prof who takes everything in stride: welcome he said. you are all welcome to come in and listen and participate if you feel so inclined.
so, i coninued to participate in class and when it was over what to do, i thought.
ok: i'll take then to downey's for dinner: i mean what else, right. i take a pack of vampires to the finest restaurant in santa barbara, right?
vampires do not eat but they sure drink red wine and eat desserts...many desserts.
i found them a room at the spanish garden inn and bid farewell thinking i had done my duty as a host. but no. they were at my doorstep at 6 am in the morning when i awoke groggy from the night before but looking forward to my workout and my final classes of 2008. so off we all went to the ucsb gym.
end of part I.
peace,
tyler

giving thanks and other unsightly endeavors

2008-11-24T20:38:00.000-08:00

thanksgiving is coming up here in just about three days. it is a day of rest, a day of eating too much,a day to hopefully think about all that is good and pure about your life: a day to make some changes for the better.
i have always loved thanksgiving and my uncle made sure that no matter in what financial shape he was in (of course as a dumb kid i could not tell that he was a struggling student when he adpoted me at the ripe of old of 23), we always had a big turkey and all the trimmings.
i had planned to spend thanksgiving with bob's mom in bellevue, washington but when i told the uncs he had such a look of disappointment, i immediately changed my mind. would i ever purposely hurt this man in any way shape or form? no fucking way. he comes first. he was/is my savior in so many ways.
so bob, his mom and i plus the uncs and his man will spend the day together. i will cook. we will drink, eat and then drink and eat again. i have honed this menu to the point that it is truly one of the best meals that i cook. i cook a lot of course but seldom prepare an entire meal: from soup to nuts as they say. it takes days, it is a pain in the ass but when we all sit down on thursday, it will be magic. on top of all of this it is supposed to rain. how sweet is that? it has been so hot here in so cal for so long that a day of food, family, friends AND cold weather in los angeles? too much to hope for, huh?
so speaking of bob: it has been a while since i have written about him...we did have our first argument, made up and then had another one. right now we are cozy. all is well but to be honest there is now a small crack on the surface of our relationship. the age difference is now more apparent, his heretofore heterosexuality is also an issue: an issue that will never be resolved. oddly enough, i am calm about this. i have accepted it. do i wince when he checks out a woman? yes but not any more than when he checks out a man. hey, i do the same and he doesn't like it either. this is life isn't it? you take the good with the bad as moms used to say. why i remember her saying this i do not know but i do.
so happy thanksgiving to my readers: sorry about the lapse in writing of late but school is grueling and frankly that is all that i can think about right now except for my moms and pops and my uncle michael and bob.
the holidays can be a bad time for many people: those who think that they have no one with which to commiserate. but, though i don't have much to offer, i do have that in spades. i understand you, i relate, i care.
peace,
tyler

out, out damned spot

2008-11-11T18:25:00.001-08:00

so i'm standing on the corner of state and mission having just run up to the mission from la cumbre plaza and right before my eyes a woman steps off the curb from next to me and is decimated by a car rushing by to beat the red light.
she is thrown 50 feet from me and the feeling of watching her fly through the air is like nothing i've ever felt in my life.
you know how people say: "it was like i was watching a movie?" well, that is what it was exactly like. she flew through the air and fell to the asphalt and cracked her head open.
i rushed over to help her, sweat pouring off of me, not only from the exhausting run but from the utter freakiness of the situation.
how do you help someone who is obviously beyond help? she lay on the ground, legs askew, her head profusely bleeding: bright red liquid all around her.
at least i had the presence of mind to hold her hand, say a prayer for her and call 911...all in the same split second it seemed. funny, though i am catholic, i could only think of a few phrases of the Jewish Book of the Dead which was written to be used as a guide for both the living and the dead. then i said a hail mary, people all around me: no one doing anything to comfort this woman who clung onto life long enough to say thanks to me. and then she was gone. i have never seen anyone die. i promise you that when and if you do, you will never forget it. it is as if the life force is sucked out of a person from the inside out. the eyes go blank, the body goes limp. there is no doubt that death has arrived and being so close to this woman i could actually smell her die as i think i breathed in her last breath. fucking scary...more so now as i write this than at the time.
many of you know that i lost my parents when i was very young. what you don't know is that they lost their lives in a similar manner: thrown from their car in a devastating car accident. their bodies likewise on view to a number of people who did nothing to comfort them. they died on the street, in public, no one around who cared enough to even pull my mother's skirt down. even now thinking about that one small fact makes me want to beat someone to a bloody pulp. but, at least they had each other to cling on to and when the paramedics arrived they had to pry their hands apart. i like that. it makes me smile: 2 people so in love until the very end, innit?
yeah, i told myself, once the uncs told me about this 5 years ago, that i would never let this happen to another human being if i could help it.
but did i think that i would/could actually hold it together enough to actually help someone in this way? no. not in million years.
it was a small kindness, i know this. it was an unconscious act, one guided by necessity and the enormity of the event more than by unbridled humanity, i think.
it may sound as if i am bragging and in a way i am. but not for me. it's because i was invested with the highest moral and social ideals...by the uncs: uncle michael.
so yeah this whole thing is morbid i guess. maybe even self-serving and yet it is humbling: i had the balls and the presence of mind to act: i was not an observer, i was a participant.
it is real. it happened to me and, though i will never forget it, i survived.
peace,
tyler

halloween: the aftermath

2008-11-02T12:03:00.000-08:00

so halloween night went off as planned; meaning w/o too much "incident." carlos and greg only got into it with one str8 couple (a man and a woman no less)but bobby straightened it out very quickly.
costume roundup:
me: lioncloth, flips
bob: roman centurion w/o the metal chestplate for most of the night...which means he wore a pleated skirt...
carlos: dracula
greg: toga: but at least a short one
frank (school friend): a sleazy, fishnet wearing ho...and this guy is str8. no: i mean frank is really str8. HE almost traded blows with a guy who was trying to protect his dibs on a woman....lots of yelling and being macho but no actual blows were traded..damn!
jackie (q's manager): a bra, 50's style slip and black suede pumps a la elizabeth taylor in "cat on a hot tin roof." very subtle i thought...but i got it right away as jackie has black hair, a slammin' body, big tits...a taylor-style knockout.
we all drank too much tequila and red wine, stayed until after hours (read 5 am) then we went to a roach coach and ate carnitas tacos and very very hot salsa. then we went home.
yesterday, i was basically in a coma for most of the day. oh yeah i smoked an unbelievable cigar...montecristo #4.....so when i woke up the next day..the following things were in full force:
1. a right side of my head headache
2. cigar mouth (and yes of course i brushed and flossed the night before)
3. acid stomach (the italians call it agita)
4. my feet were spotted with mud (? no idea here)
5. i couldn't move much less go to work out
6. it was all saint's day
as for #6: i had to shower, shave, dress and go to mass as all saints day is (as the tims describes in his blog) a holy day of obligation. and me, being a good catholic, had to go to church. at least i was able to beg God to help me with my head, stomach, etc. bob remained in bed until 4 pm...sleeping btw. this ability of his to sleep for hours at a time really bugs me because i can barely sleep. anyway he wakes up at 4, a big RESTED smile on his face and says to me:
"what's to eat, hub, babe?"
now, unless he was blinded by over 8 hours of continuous sleep, could he not see that i was one inch away from death's door? and this is after i went to mass, prayed to the lord to help me rid myself of this innervating hangover. so i say:
" i can make you an omelet." yup, i'm whipped. this proves it. i am forsaken.
so i raise up off the sofa like dracula out of his coffin and prepare bob a spinach, horseradish cheddar cheese and portabello mushroon omelet (6 eggs btw), rye toast and fresh coffee. i drag myself back to the sofa after this strenuous activity. bob squeezes himself behind me on said sofa and proceeds to fall asleep again!
i finally make it back to bed at 9pm after watching "the painted veil" (?) with edward norton and naomi watts: both of whom i love but please this film only proves once again that sommerset maugham cannot be made into film.
it is now mid day on sunday: i am once again feeling normal. now on to thanksgiving (with bob's mom) and christmas (the uncs) and new years (hopefully in europe...heee-hawwww!)
peace,
tyler

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!!

2008-10-30T20:15:00.001-07:00

happy all souls day to all of you.halloween is probably the gayest of holidays though of course it is not an official national holiday as say thanksgiving or president's day. but don't tell that to those of you who will be in west hollywood on halloween night, heh?
halloween for me this year will be spent with bob and da bros and asssorted denizens of q's. hopefully there will be no fights but i can't promise that as q's is mostly str8 except for a few days a year...and halloween is one of them.
as i've said before, a good friend of mine is the manager of q's and she protects us as much as she can but carlos and greg have big mouths and become easily slighted when anyone (gay or str8) even gives them a sidelong glance. you take the good with the bad with friends, right?
this will be a couple of firsts for bob: first time with da bros, first time in a semi-gay bar (where it is within the realm of possiblity that he might see one of his students) and the first time we have been together on halloween. i gather that he usually does nothing on halloween so just being out and about with me in downtown sb will be a new experience for him. i will protect him...hehehe.
bob took this of me with one of those postage stamp polaroids, remember them? i had to laugh when i saw the camera. it has to be 20 years old, huh. but that is just like bob. i guess he wants to paste this photo of me on his refer, maybe? (the quality is the shits but love makes you do foolish things, huh?)

so: have a groovy halloween. drink too much. smoke too much blunt. get in a fight.make lots of love.
peace,
tyler

me and da bros

2008-10-25T16:12:00.000-07:00

oftentimes when a man gets together in a relationship with another man, the friendships that existed before said man appeared... often go away, go on vacation, dissolve even.
i was never that kind of guy before, hated that kind of guy actually. i mean a romance is one thing but a friend ship lasts forever, right?
well carlos and greg and the other bros and i went out to q's last night (w/o bob) and they basically read me the riot act, turned me upside down and spanked me, pulled out their dicks and pissed on me. yup, they were none to happy because i was becoming one of "those" dudes, you see: the ones that bump off their friends because they are seriously seeing someone.
my bad.
carlos, greg and others (who do not want to be named because they think that they will be arrested by the ucsb police for being fags,i guess...but hey i am not in a good place with these guys right now and do not want to do something that they do not want me to. they are friends after all and i will honor their wishes) proceeded to tell me i was acting in a manner that made them feel bad, made them feel ignored and (though they didn't say it)made then feel unloved. they missed me and i didn't realize it until then, i missed them.
so the first hour of our partying at q's was strained to say the least. it was like an intervention i guess as each one of the bros took a turn letting me know how they felt, what they missed, what they wanted me to do. (it had to be carlos, the accounting major that organized this thing).
it was touching really particularly when you realize that only half of the 8 guys is gay. my str8 bros do not act in the manner we usually associate with being str8 anyway: they act emotional, loving, affectionate...you know like normal people.
it gave me some perspective: friends are important particularly ones that have enough feeling for you to stage an intervention, huh?
so, after the inquisition, we proceeded to party like lunatics. a couple of the bros threw up (the str8 dudes, of course), a couple hooked up which is almost impossible because q's is mostly a str8 club.
the rest of us went to ihop and ate pancakes, drank coffee and talked well into saturday morning.
this phenomena known to my bros as "friend abandonment" not only happens in the gay world but in the str8 as well. how do you explain this?
how do we avoid it? or can we?
peace,
t.

he lectured, he smiled, he charmed

2008-10-21T12:27:00.000-07:00

it is always fascinating for me to watch bob, a man who shares my bed, sucks my cock and makes mad passionate love to me, in a totally different environment and acting in a learned, professional manner.
such was the case this weekend in rogers, arkansas. bob was someone different, someone whose knowledge and experience oozed out of his pores. he spoke eloquently about his specialty and while watching him i could think of nothing else except that i had just seen him naked, shaving, combing his hair and talking to me about life in general and specifically where we would go for dinner.
he was in a great mood for he was being honored for a paper he wrote last year (i knew nothing about it of course...but that is his way). he is shy, he holds most stuff back, both good and not so good. it has been my quest, and i have been above averagely successful at bringing him out of his emotional shell, to make him comfortable talking to me about the stuff that makes him tick, the stuff that he would not normally discuss with anyone: what lies in his heart and his soul.
Anyway: he was brilliant, speaking to his colleagues in a manner both personal and scholarly. i was proud of him.
rogers offers nothing much except a "w" hotel (which floored me to be honest), a good restaurant, "bone fish." rogers is also a "dry" county which means that the proprietors of bone fish have to go to a retail facility and buy liquor when they need it. i asked what would happen if i brought in a bottle of don julio tequila and they replied that i could be arrested by the federal authorities for boot legging. yet, i could bring in a bottle of wine...so go figure.
rogers and it's neighbor, bentonville exist primarily for the pleasure of the vendors
of sam's and wall mart, so needless to say bone fish was pretty empty on saturday and sunday night so that bob and i were able to get to know the workers there pretty well: not one of whom had a southern accent...all were transplants from other parts of the country, some even from southern california.
so we had our run of the place.
on sunday, we saw "appaloosa" directed by ed harris, starring the tremendously sexy viggo mortensen. "appaloosa" is a western but one in which there is a fair amount of irony and frankly seeing ed harris and viggo together on the huge screen together gave me a boner: two more beautiful mean i would be hard pressed to name. ok: brad pitt and george clooney...but who's counting? the movie was good, not great, the popcorn was cheap and the denizens of rogers were kind and considerate.
nothing much happened: it was all chill and low key. i loved it.
peace,
tyler

arkansas here i cum....

2008-10-17T19:41:00.000-07:00

bob asked me to join him this weekend on a trip to arkansas for a psychologist thing.
wish me luck.
more later.....
t.

babies and other strange beings.....

2008-10-16T19:36:00.000-07:00

to those of you who read this blog it should come as no surprise that i want to raise children. children that would be fathered by me or bob or ideally both of us.
you hire a surrogate mother, she is impregnated with my and bob's sperm and voila 9 months later: a bouncing baby girl or boy.
lately, though i know it doesn't make sense at this time, i have been thinking almost of nothing else. consequently bob has been hearing almost nothing else.
in the past he sweetly demurred because he is the type of guy who does that sort of thing...sweetly demur that is. he'd smile, pull me towards him and proceed to try to impregnate me himself. romantic, heh?
i guess what i am looking for from him is : yes, i too want to raise a child with you. there i said it: THAT is what i want to hear coming out of sweet fat juicy lips.
so far, nothing of the sort has happened. it's all about me ranting and he sweetly demurring. it drives me up a wall frankly.
other than that, things are going very well between my bobs and me.
hmmm: maybe he wants me to marry him first, heh?

remember the vampires from my summer in nyc? well the lead one,thorn (i swear that is his name) the one i almost fucked in central park on july 4th. e-mailed me and asked if he could come and visit.
of course i had to demur (ok, i'll will try to stop using this word soon) and explained to him about bob. one thing about vampires: they take rejection very easily. all he said was: ok, man cya next summer. btw: this group (coven) of vampires is very very cool and laid back. and they are all gay and english majors. i did ask thorn if he had seen true blood and all he said was: huh?
i guess they don't watch tv.
speaking of vampires: has anyone seen TRUE BLOOD on hbo? this show is very well written, well acted and the vampires, both men and women are hot as hell.
set in a small southern town (where else?)true blood proposes a world in which vampires have been turned into almost solid citizens what with the invention of synthetic blood available everywhere as "true blood."
the vampires still hold onto their thirst for human blood but most make do with true blood and attempt to lead so-called normal lives.
in the photo: bill (vampire) and sookie (not a vampire)

on other fronts: my dodgers got their expensive asses trounced by the philadelphia phillies. oh well: there is always next year.

sports-wise, i do lacrosse, soccer, surf and play the occasional baseball pick up game but bob has no sport to call his own. he is a runner and a lifter and has finally found a sport (if you can call it that) and that is golf.

bob has decided that we should both learn to play golf mostly i think because he got the bug in seattle as, while me and his moms were off doing our thing, he played golf.
now, i like golf togs: the madras shorts, the white buck golf shoes, the polo shirts but actually play it...i dunno.
but i will be a good sport and take lessons with him. more to the point it will mean that we can spend more time together and that is a good thing.
i can't wait until my after christmas vaca to europe with bob this year. those of you in europe: look out!
peace,
tyler

baseball and other stuff...

2008-10-11T19:06:00.000-07:00

ok, so it's saturday night one of the few nights in which i have the opportunity to socialize with friends and thank god they love baseball as much as i do.
one of the things i remember most about my pops is that he was a rabid la dodger fan and would take me, just older than an infant i think, to dodger games in chavez ravine. he drove a big car i remember but as a kid's memory usually works this bigness could very well have been that he drove a beetle.
well, no i take that back: pops was an american car guy, always bought american and advised me to do the same.
i loved my time with pops at the ball game: he and his friends would drink beer, do shots and when it got cold he would let me sit on his lap and zip me up in his jacket with him.
along the line, i developed a love for the game of baseball and played from a very early age and into high school. i mostly played first base because i was quick and intuitive and because i got to talk to all the players or those that got to first base: got a number of dates that way...btw.
anyway, bob and i are hosting a bbq, which means i am cooking and he is bar tending, tonight for the second game of the american league playoff game between the exalted boston red sox and the tampa bay rays. (i will not speak of the poor showing of the dodgers against the phillies the last couple nights or i will go ballistic).

the movie, "atonement" was on hbo today. i have seen it in the theater but watched it once again today. it seems to me that it plays better on tv in that the overblown story becomes less so. first of all the basis of the film is flimsy: a young women, for reasons only known to said young women, falsely accuses her sister's lover of rape or something to that effect, of a young girl. he is not guilty but spends time in jail but is released to fight in ww2.
for me the film catches fire only when said young woman grows old and becomes vanessa redgrave who could read the phone book on screen and i would be riveted.
redgrave has so much movie charisma that everyone else in the frame with her fades away.
unfortunately, redgrave is in only about 10 minutes of a 2 hour film.

note to boxing fans: oscar de la hoya will (hopefully) fight his final bout on december 6. it will be the end of a glorious and illustrious career whether he wins or not. but he better win.
peace,
tyler

"your happiness makes others sad..."

2008-10-07T19:50:00.000-07:00

as a way of avoiding the presidential debate tonight, i clicked the tv over to hbo and the chris rock special. it was he who spouted the above statement. it is true of course though people who are happy (as in me) tend to forget it. but i promise you, we forget it only for a short period of time. then comes a period of indecision and negative enlightenment and then it goes away. so i will be god damned if i don't grab onto to it now that i have it. and if i make you sad because i am happy be assured that i will once again be counted in the ranks of the sad, the unhappy, the disgusted, the one counting my degrees instead of giddily counting the moles on my man's back.
and is sad the correct word? shouldn't it be jealousy, which is a far cry from sad, i think in that with sadness there is usually pathos whereas with jealousy there is only despair and self-hate.
so i'm thinking about what timmy said the other day in regards to my bubbling over happiness bubbling over. his comment came from a kind place, of course...but a realistic one also.
basically, to be honest, my life has not been a big fuckin' bowl of cherries and in regards to my current happiness: it will not last. the other shoe will drop. i will come to hate bob's habits or he will come to despise mine.
we both have a lot invested in our relationship: time,emotional committment, reputation. we're deliriously happy. deal with it.
peace,
tyler

the MOMS...part II

2008-09-30T21:18:00.000-07:00

so then it is day 2 in kirkland: i wake up to the smell of, i swear, home made cinnamon rolls: cinnamon from africa is unmistakable. then there is coffee, melted butter (real butter, not margarine) and i rise out of bed like dracula: straight up and glide to the kitchen (leaving bob in a dead sleep)to greet dorothy in a black bikini with an apron...a sight to behold to be sure.
though i really try to do without carbs in general and usually succeed at such, there are two things that i cannot resist (and though you might answer bittersweet chocolate....you would be wrong as bc has minimal carbs as it is very low in suger)two things carbolicious: fig newtons and cinnamon rolls.
thank god i had enough sense to slip on some pants but would it have really mattered to moms? i doubt it. besides it would have made no diff, there were c rolls to consume and hot java with which to wash them down. yum.
between bites, moms asked me about my family, about school. we chatted and ate and decided that we would go shopping that day to the first ever nordstrom's which is in bellevue a few miles away.
so we both got ready, left a note for bob who was still asleep (i hate that he can sleep so well and so fucking long) and proceeded to shop with moms at the storied nordy's in downtown bellevue.
so the convo between ooohhhhing and ahhhhing at the clothes and shoes:
moms: so you really love my son, huh?
me: yes i do with all my heart.
moms: and you know he feels the same, yes?
me: i feel that that is true, yes.
moms: i want some grandchildren, tyler....
me: yup, and i want children
moms: does bob know this?
me: yes, but he thinks i'm kidding but i am not.
moms: how would you have them?
me: well, though i would love to physically have bob's children, i cannot. so we would hire a surrogate and mix our sperm and see what happens.
moms: i believe you.
me: you believe me because i am serious and i am speaking the truth.
moms: now we must convince bob
me: moms, seriously do not say a thing to him. i will take care of that and we will have at least two children. this i promise.
moms: i believe you.
me: you believe me because i am telling you the truth.
so moms buys herself some beautiful jimmy choos and buys me a pair of white jeans and i could tell that she was happy about me but more importantly overjoyed over the prospect of spoiling the fuck out of my children. this is what grandmothers do i am told and there is not one thing bob nor i can do about it.
we decide to celebrate a bit and go to 8th avenue, find a wine bar in the hyatt and proceed to drink tequila, diet tonics and lime and eat almost everything off their appetizer menu. we have a good time.
it is 5 pm when we return home and find bob lounging on the sofa drinking a brew and eating peanuts.
me: make me pregnant.
bob: here with my mother in the next room?
me. yeah, she won't care.
peace,
tyler

THE moms...part I

2008-09-27T11:30:00.000-07:00

bob asked me to go with him to seattle, washington this week but did not tell me why until we were on the plane heading for the cool, crisp city of kirkland, home of costco.
so:
me: why kirkland? you know that seattle is very cosmopolitan city, right? we could stay downtown and eat and drink ourselves into a coma.
bob: we can still do that in kirkland but i want you to meet my mother and she lives in kirkland.
me: GULP
bob: you ok? you look pale. my moms is a great cook and baker and she know all about you and me.
me: GULP
bob: say something (bob is often disturbingly calm which makes him good at what he does but also kinda drives me crazy). maybe i should have warned you before, huh?
me: (trying to be cool, calm) well yes. i mean i could have gotten my hair cut, gotten a facial, a pedicure, baked some of my famous brownies. but most of all: i thought your family was in maine?
bob: all but moms is in maine. she is in kirkland and i want you to meet her because i love you and i want her to love you also.
(fuck, i hate when he closes the window to an argument with shit like this. so i melt and say...)
me: ok. i hate when you say things like that.
bob: no you don't. you like me to say things like that.
(there he goes again)
me: hmmmm. how do we get to kirkland?
so, we fly to seattle, rent a car, drive to kirkland, which reminds me of the marina section of san francisco and go meet the moms. her name is dorothy. she is 64, divorced from bob's father for 10 years. she supposedly knows all about me and is dying to meet me or so says bob.
the house: wow! 3 levels, right on lake washington. nice. very nice.
dorothy is at first reserved, though dressed as she was, i was on to her. she was wearing: very high, very expensive slip on heels, snug lady 501's (she is thin so this is ok), a flowery, pucci print blouse and a simple diamond ring. i thought to myself: this woman looks cool, very hip and she looks about 48 not 64.
anyway, bob seems to move into the background as moms and i sniff each other out. she checks me out as in checks out what i am wearing. thank god i always try to look cool whenever i am with bob because that's what guys do when they are with their man, right? i'm wearing: 501's, black leather flips (havana joe's: very thin, very bare), a lime green lacoste shirt, athletic cut which means it's snug (collar decidedly down). i have to bring a sweater as it is cool and rainy in seattle. i bring a circa 1960's (actually 1963) letterman's sweater from los angeles high school: very cool.
at first, dorothy and i had to make sure that the outside was cool before we could pursue what is inside. we both passed. now it was time for lunch.
no matter what anyone says, liquor always helps in situations like this. bob and i had stopped at the local costco and bought a case of pinot noir...so we were ready.
and: lunch was fun, revealing as in dorothy told me things about bob that i didn't know. things that only mothers know about their sons, for example:
1. bob was difficult to potty train because he liked the feling of a warm wet, poopy diaper. hmmmm.
2. bob, when he wasn't shitty, liked to be naked always pulling off his clothes in private and public and embarrassing moms. yes, i believe this, because bob still likes to be naked though now it is mostly in private.
3. bob sucked his thumb until he was 12. i told moms that he still enjoys sucking things but it isn't his thumb. SILENCE. then dorothy bursts out laughing and that chasm between liking and not liking closes. dorothy and i at least like each other. bob is red as a beet but nonetheless squeezes my knee which gives me a hardon. and no dorothy didn't see me tenting. i think.
the food was absolutely first rate: cajun chicken salad with nappa cabbage with an incredible dressing. home baked rolls (whole grain. this alone would make me love someone. you gotta love anyone who can bake like this), a banana cake with lemon cream cheese dressing and of course the great washington state pinot noir. lunch was great. dorothy is nice and she and i got on very well.
we finished lunch and then had drinks on the terrace overlookng lake washngton until 1 am. dorothy hits the sheets at 10. bob and i sit out on the deck until 1, drinking, talking and making out.
speaking of bob and i making out: it was a little difficult at first because we were both kissing tops and when we kissed it was like a fight for dominace. he was used to kissing women who naturally i guess fall into the bottom role while i always kissed a dude as the dominant one. so now we have two dominants trying to lock lips and it was awkward to tell the truth. one of us had to be a kissing bottom or it just wouldn't work. guess who has taken the bottom role?
end of part one.
peace,
tyler

the strange re-appearance of jonas and london calling

2008-09-20T14:02:00.000-07:00

so first, the story of jonas' disappearance. pops called me today and gave me the scoop. it is so obvious that it is almost laughable yet somehow really stupid and unethical on jonas' part.
so here it is:
as you remember, jonas left the movie theater while vicky cristina barcelona was playing, nachos with double cheese in hand and said that he were going to pee. we never saw him again. i certainly never saw him again for the rest of my stay in new canaan. pops, being the stalwart and upstanding man that he is called the police almost immediately when jonas didn't show the next day after the movie.
dennis and i decided to take matters into our own hands (fueled by blunt and tequila) and broke into jonas' house, thinking that we would find jonas dead, his cock on the floor next to him and his dog howling in pain while he licked up all the blood as it oozed from jonas' body. no dice.
so: jonas ends up "missing" for 5 days. and yes the reason was that he was with a man. dumb. i gather from pops that jonas is close mouthed when it comes to what man and any details contained therein.
jonas left the theater (like an idiot i asked pops: "did he take the nachos with him?" why that was important to me can only be explained that, though i love theater nachos with all that plastic cheese...i can never quite bring myself to buy them: i always think about all that cheese adhering to my blood vessels, etc.)and met said mystery man and they went off to cape cod for the five days and fucked themselves silly. now remember that jonas is newly divorced (from a woman), newly gay and so socially he is 16: a gay teen in thought and in his mind. not to make excuses for the silly bugger but it is what it is: jonas is 40 in the non-sexual part of his life and 16 in the social part. to top all of this off, jonas is a clinical psychologist with a very successful practice. i realize that most men lead with their cocks but maybe he should have thought about this a bit before disappearing? what about his patients? what about disappearing with dennis? dennis is certainly cute and available and very very smart.
so there you have it: jonas is a geek, a beautiful geek...but a geek nonetheless.
LONDON:
for all that we saw of london outside of a claridge's hotel suite, we could have gone to new canaan, rented a motel room and ordered from domino's.
we did manage to go to gordon ramsey's restaurant (in claridges, of course)and go to the tate modern and ride a double dutch bus around town. but mainly that was it. oh yeah we saw quite a bit of the airport.
but i definitely have a lover now. and a boyfriend for now. now i will begin to worry about his leaving me. so continues the saga of my lovelife.
peace,
tyler

back to life, back to reality...

2008-09-14T17:48:00.000-07:00

so for my 2 readers the answer is: yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. other than that i cannot say.

i owe new york a post, so here it is:

i love nyc.

i love my dorm room mate who has the biggest cock i have ever seen. it is scary even and believe me i have seen a lot of cocks in my life.

i love my dorm neighbors who played madonna non-stop and who were majorly intelligent and were both getting their phd's in nuclear physics (or something like that).

i love that one of the neighbors was once a man but who now lives as a woman: this is courage...real courage...to live your life in THE way you want not the way others would have you live it. it's unfortunate that she pays for school by sucking off old men but hey we all gotta do what we all gotta do, right?

i love my nyc professors who operate and succeed in a profession that pays so very little yet they all give us so much. teachers are the real heroes in this world.

i'll never forget the two older gentlemen making out (tongues flipping in and out of each others mouths and everything) in front of carnegie hall. for those of us that think that is gross (and i did get several e-mails to that effect) and that love/sex stops at 30: i'm here to tell you that those men gave me hope for my 60's and 70's and even 80's. i may not be able to attract a hot 20 year old when i am 80 but damn watching and thinking now about those two men...i'll be happy with a sexy 70 year old.

and to the vampires: i know you were following me pretty much all the time that i was at school and i appreciate that you found me cool enough to do so but why only follow me, why not approach? maybe it's that thing about inviting a vampire into your house or they will not enter. what's weird was that i was close to having sex in public (remember july4th, central park???) with what's his name, one of you guys, so if that was not inviting someone in i don't know what is. well, i'll be back next summer guys and i will looking for you!
nyc miscellany:
coney island hot dog eating contest
crazy pretzel selling woman in columbus circle who wanted to suck my cock
the belgian chocolate shop in rockefeller center
my early morning runs down broadway when the city was just waking up and all seemed possible
july 4th central park with most of the psych dept and a pack of vampires (see above)
new canaan connecticut and pops and dennis, gloria and moms and the infamous jonas...
btw: jonas is back and more than ok...more on that saga later....

so: goodbye new york. as has been sung and said many times before: if you can make it here you can make it anywhere!

peace,

tyler

off to london...

2008-09-07T14:50:00.000-07:00

<--------------tate modern

we're off for some limited rest and relaxation. bob and i will leave tomorrow for london and will be back in santa barbara by saturday.

i will try to keep up with the blog but who knows.

update on jonas: pops tells me that his family is now in new canaan and that he seemingly has not left any paper trail: credit card use, atm, etc.

this makes me worried and sad. if you pray, include him in yours as i will include him in mine.

cya in awhile......

peace,

tyler

part 3: something strange this way comes to new canaan

2008-09-03T20:37:00.001-07:00

it did come as a mild surprise that dogs are allowed in movie theaters in new canaan: hence when pops loaded cassio into the escalade (yes pops drives an escalade like a rapper) i said: whoa, we can't leave cassio in this heat in a locked car. pops and moms both answered: we aren't. he's going in with us.
now a dog named cassio. for those of you who know that cassio was supposedly othello's nemesis in shakespeare's "othello,"understand that all descriptions of cassio state that he is a stone cold fox. check out franco zeferelli's film of the verdi opera with placido domingo: ever the homo, zeferelli chooses the most beautiful blonde guy to play cassio and the contrast between big, burly, "black" othello (actually "otello" in the opera) and blonde, beautiful, foxy cassio only adds fuel to the fire, as it were, to othello's crazy obsession with desdemona's infidelity which involves a hankerchief, a nasty aide-de-camp, iago and cassio writhing naked on the floor. great gay images, cheesy opera images. oh well.
anyway: cassio, the rottweiler (yes, i bet you thought that he was a poodle or cream lab, right?) follows all six of us (moms, pops, gloria, dennis, jonas and me) into the theater playing the new woody allen film, vicky cristina barcelona.
btw: the evil jonas got us all stoned on the way to the theater including cassio so we were happy, loopy and ready for some woody allen charm and wit.
but first: the movie snacks: huge tubs of buttered corn, hot dogs for all, 2 butterfingers for me and huge vats of diet pepsi. jonas buys 2 (count them 2) orders of nachos with enough plastic cheese to clog all of our arteries.
the theater is full and so we have to sit in the first row and i think to myself: hmmm, first row...that means that there are 400 people behind us. then i began to eat popcorn, watch the commercials (how did this ever get started?), previews and then the film.
the movie: people have been waiting for allen to make another "annie hall" for 30 years and you need to face the facts: he is not nor does he want to, i would imagine.
"vicky cristina barcelona" is not the best woody allen film nor the worst but one thing it has going for it are the sterling performances by javier bardem, scarlett johansson and in a supporting role, penelope cruz who chews the scenery with relish. if cruz never spoke another word of english it would cool with me because when she does (speak english that is) she sounds like a doofus and her acting ability goes down the drain: it's as if the strain of mouthing the words in english takes so much out of her that she cannot emote. anyway, she is a hoot as bardem's ex who refuses to believe that he is done with her. when she is speaking her native spanish she mows over the delicate johansson and can match acting chops with bardem who is sexy as all hel in this film.
all to be expected i guess from a man who has given us both crummy films and some brilliant ones: pretty much on par with most directors who have been making movies for 30 odd years.
what was not expected was jonas leaving the theater saying as he left that he had to go to the head.
we never saw him again that night even when we honored the dinner reservation he made at a local bistro.
we never saw him again the next day though dennis and i went to his house looking for him: he was gone, his car was gone. his house looked the same as in it didn't look like anyone had tried to break in...except for dennis and i. but our reason for breaking in was to find him not rob him.
but no jonas. no jonas' car.
the next morning, pops called the police and reported jonas missing but was told that he had to wait 72 hours to report...blah, blah, blah.
where is jonas? when he left the theater was it to meet a man in the bathroom? we check the hospitals, we check his office: no jonas.
it is now several days later, i am back in nyc and there is still no sign of jonas and now he is officially a missing person.
i remember watching a program the premise of which was how/why people disappeared: this is one of those stories i think.
jonas went to a film stoned, gathered his nachos (i thought that was strange at the time: why take your food into the bathroom...a little weird, heh?), walked up the aisle supposedly to go pee and eat his nachos and poof: disappeared.
in the aforementioned tv program men/women would go out to buy a quart of milk and never return home: never return to their family, their lives...
i think that sometimes i also feel like pulling a jonas: leaving, changing my name, moving to bali and becoming a beachboy or in other words a high priced ho...selling myself for coconut milk and bananas and a gorgeous place to stay. then i remember that bob will miss me. and i heard today from the university that my petition to change phd mentors is approved...so you know what that means.
so guys, that is my story about the strange incident that happened in new canaan: a township rife with beauty and money and dogs named after shakepearean hotties.
peace,
tyler

part 2: the strange incident at new canaan

2008-09-02T18:38:00.000-07:00

so it's saturday night last and i am busy prepping a fine meal for my extended family which includes pops, moms, dennis, dennis' little sister, gloria, their dog cassio and a family friend, jonas whom i haven't seen in years. jonas is 30'ish, divorced and now gay, though i hear from moms that jonas has not actually done it with a guy. sound familiar, heh? oh yeah jonas is a clinical psychologist, owns a beautiful home in new canaan (there must be lots of crazies in new canaan), is cute in a paul newman circa "hud" way: which means this dude is HOT! (btw: paul newman...may you rest in peace, we will miss you)
after the car wash, pops and i go home to began drinking as in throwing down some newcastles and then we all decide to lay out by the pool. so i popped on a pair of white speedos as did dennis and lo and behold so does the popster. moms dons a stylish one piece and that minx gloria a brazilian thong. i swear if someone had the sense to take a photo of us it would have looked like a david hockney painting.
and then jonas appears: a vision in black speedos, hairy chest, worked out bod and sporting a grin as wide as all outdoors. (ok corny but my mouth was wide open and something was stirring in the nether regions...this much i know) so then i start pulling a timmy and start mentally riffing on jonas' and my life together: marriage, children, me combing his chest hair and shaving his ass hole...ya know that kind of thing.
of course, all of this manly manhood makes me nervous and i escape to the kitchen and get to the work of prepping for dinner: peeling and slicing potatoes, stirring the batter for pound cake, making the sauce for the veggies...all normal and calming things that tend to help me catch my psychological breath. i am in love with bob, remember?
so of course moms sends jonas in to help me or he decides to come in to help me or whatever...i never find out why exactly he is standing 1 foot away from me with 2 shots of patron anejo and smirk that reads: i am going to fuck you right here among the tubers and assorted spices and herbs. i am going to force you to take my penis into your mouth until you choke on my spooge. i am going to impregnate you with my massive cock and spank you until you scream in pain!
ok, what he really said was: i hope i am not in your way but i need a glass of water. i am thirsty. pops send this shot in for you and wants you back outside pronto, please.
(ok, so a guy can fantasize can't he?)
so dennis comes in, breaks the spell, helps me prep and jonas leaves to join the 'rents.
pops bbq's, the sides are devoured along with the couple of gallons of washington state pinot noir. since this is the labor day weekend and it is connecticut and pops has the money to do it right: we have a personal fireworks display on the lower 40 or the 'rents backyard. someone, i'm guessing it might have been the dastardly hairsute jonas, pulls out a blunt and all of us get stoned while watching (laying down on the lawn) a spectacle of flashing lights, rockets, sparkly stuff that make enough noise to raise the dead of new canaan cemetary. at one point, the local police come to visit but all dennis and i can do is laugh at them. jonas does his best to do the talking as pops and moms are unable to speak coherently. from what i can recall, jonas saves us all from being arrested for indecent exposure (oh yeah: did i say that we were all at this point naked? pops idea and a good one because then i could see jonas' weiner but seeing moms and gloria's vg was kind of scary and of course i had seen dennis' cock a couple 100 times. i have to admit that seeing pops cock was just a bit thrilling to me: not big but sweet looking like a parakeet) btw: it just occurred to me: can you even get arrested for indecent exposure on your own property? were there really police there? was i even there? did i really see god or was that jonas with a glowing halo above his big masculine head?
so this was my saturday of the labor day weekend, 2008.
partIII tomorrow: sunday and our foray into downtown to see vicky cristina barcelona: all 7 of us including cassio who loves the movies.
peace,
tyler

music: check out my new favorite song "still in love" by justin currie.....playing on the ipod on the right............>

the strange incident at new canaan

2008-09-01T16:04:00.000-07:00

those of you who remember my blog of last year, may also remember my friend dennis who lives here in nyc now but who went to school with me in california and whose parents live in the redolent with meaning and sophistication town of new canaan, connecticut.
film fans know this city from ang lee's terrific "the ice storm" of 10 years back. i know new canaan because of dennis' moms and pops and from my trip there last year. a trip in which i could have sworn that dennis's pops (whom i will now refer to as pops) had the hots for me.
since i never sense that anyone ever has the hots for me (no, i am NOT fishing for compliments here), it came as somewhat of a surprise that i felt that pops was leaning in this direction. but so be it, besides the fact that pops is pretty sizzling for a 50 year old, wears cool clothes from the 70's most of the time and is as nice as pie to me, it has now been a year and nary a word from him. suffice it to say that i have moved on. then dennis called and asked me to new canaan for the labor day weekend. i literally begged bob to come with me so that i could show him off to dennis and his family. but bob, being bob had made plans to go fishing with his maine-living brother...so i went alone. i suppose that it is very forthright and honorable of bob to think that he must honor all of his committments to his family but for once could he change his plans for me? i am only asking here, you understand.
so i packed a bag consisting of speedoes, shorts, tees, 501's, western boots and some chill 50's hawaiian shirts for my foray back to new canaan, moms, pops and dennis. i was excited to see them all for new canaan and dennis' family IS like family to me: something of which i am in short supply.
pops met me at the train station and as i remembered from last year, saturday is car wash day. the car wash at new canaan is a major trip and believe me i have been to posh car washes but this one takes the cake (what does that expression mean anyway and from where is it derived?). the new canaan car wash sports: a dry cleaners, a massage parlor, a nail shop and now a mini whole foods...oh yeah and a first rate car wash.
though i knew i was wishing for a miracle, i hoped to once again see the dude who came up to me last year and asked if pops were my lover. remember him? well, i do. but he wasn't there.
anyway: pops was honestly enough for me. we both got pedicures, chatted about dennis being gay (dennis is officially out to his family, thank god). we talked about bob. we ate pastrami sandwiches. all in all we spent 3 hours at the car wash. i had a great time.
then it was off to whole foods as i was once again to sing for my supper and cook for dennis and his family saturday night. so amongst all the straight and gay couples of new canaan who were shopping at whole foods on a saturday afternoon, there were pops and i looking cool, buying provisions for that nights meal: a 1/2 filet mignon roast, turnips and carrots for root veggies with maple/pecan glaze, stuff for a caesar salad and c salad dressing, yukon gold potatoes for roasting and peaches, heavy cream and stuff to make pound cake for dessert. i really don't know why guys think that pops and i are a couple ( well, on second thought maybe i do: we act as friends act in public...or at least my friends: we punch, we cajole, we laugh, we toss apples to each other, we point out all the strange people that we see...you know the usual buddy stuff)or why said guys think that pops and i are even gay. i think that the most that i can be accused of is looking like a so/cal dude what with what i was wearing: madras shorts, white polo dress shirt (collar absolutely, definitely NOT turned up) from the 70's (thanks, uncs!)one size too small and a pair of, what else...black leather flips.
pops was wearing khaki straight front cotton shorts, a black polo and yup....black leather flips. so maybe i can understand why people think that we are a couple.
you might be wondering where was dennis? when i asked pops he replied: "this is our afternoon, dennis can have you anytime he wants." ok: what i could do with that statement, huh?
END OF PART I.(PART II to include a mini review of the new woody allen film viewed by dennis and me in an altered state...)
peace,
tyler
music: check the ipod to the right: i found a "heavenly" track and inserted it...check it out.

The Teachins of Peaches

2008-08-26T17:20:00.000-07:00

one of the great things about summer is peaches. bbq's half peaches dusted with brown sugar and cinnamon served over home made vanilla ice cream. fresh peach pie with real peach juice whipped cream.
eating ripe cool peaches (never refrigerate fruit!)on a hot day with the juices flowing down your naked chest.
feeding peaches to your baby cousin while her small feet kick with excitement from the sweetness and the fact that her big cousin is paying attention to her.
then there is peaches.
(click the ipod off before you play the video)

peace,
tyler

the soul patch

2008-08-24T20:29:00.000-07:00

i am not a fan of facial hair though i will admit that on some guys a nice stubble is sexy. beards are always uncalled for in any situation: unless of course you are playing freud.
bob has grown a soul patch and, don't tell him i said this: but it even makes him look sexier than i think he already is.
here's a famous dude with one, though i can't quite place him, i think that he is in a band: (it goes without saying i hope that bob has refused to appear herein)

so: there you have it. the soul patch. i dig 'em. i will grow one and look like a geek probably then i will quickly shave it off.
the closing olympic ceremony is on now and it is as spectacular as the opening: directed and produced again by yimou zhang.
not much of a blog but there you have it.
oh yeah: i saw "elegy" with penelope cruz and ben kingsley based on a novel by philip roth and being such it is about a old geezer (kingsley) lusting and leaving a young beautiful woman (cruz). it is rothian in that the man is presented as the master, the super human embodiment of all things male though roth must be well into his 70's. the cruz character is nothing more than a sexaully pliant plush toy though she is, away from the kingsley character, an intelligent college student. "elegy" is pretentious and ugly.
i despised "elegy" and wanted to bolt from the theater but bob kept telling me to stay and hold his hand because he was shocked and frightened that a film released in the new millennium could/would be so anti-women. (women should be picketing this film)
it took a couple of shots of tequila anejo to clear our heads after that.
peace,
tyler
music: rachmaninov...i love the piano concertos and "eugene onegin" but the vocalaise
playing now while you crank the sound down on your computer is one of my favorite pieces of music ever. it is quite haunting and very very beautiful. it always makes me feel better when things are not going well. listen to it. it is not long. you will be better for it, i promise.

men that i would fuck if given the chance....

2008-08-19T18:22:00.000-07:00

which is not likely to happen but nonetheless a guy can dream, can't he?

jon hamm. this man is so broiling hot that it really defies reason. he's on amc's "mad men" and though looking at him in a photo is orgasm inducing, check him out in motion on camera. he plays a ny ad man with a past that he has chosen to put aside and from which he moves away.
joe and i would live in connecticut probably new canaan. i would see patients during the day in our den while joe would take the train to nyc and ply his wares as.....yes an advertising executive. we will have 1 1/2 kids, 2 dogs: a cream pug and a rottweiler. we would vacation in ibiza. jon loves to go to nude beaches and play ice hockey. we will grow old gracefully and i will take a lover when he is unable to satisfy me sexually (he is 13 years older than me, afterall). he will handpick said lover for me and film us when we fuck.

jared padalecki. i have been in love with jared since seeing him for the first time on "the gilmore girls." he is very tall, has beautiful feet and his screen personna is of the ahh shucks, gary cooper variety which never fails to make me hard.
jared and i will move to hawaii and buy a sugar cane plantation. by day, jared will work the fields while i drive into honolulu to see patients. at night we will make love nonstop. we will eat coconut meat and drink local beers. life with jared will be easy and free-wheeling. we will spend the rest of lives together and when in our 40's we will adopt a family of orphaned mexican children.

jason statham. anyone who has seen "crank" will know why i love jason: he is sexy, muscular, ironic and just loads of fun. women love jason, men love jason, dogs love jason.
jason and i will live in london but not in notting hill but in belgravia. we will have 3 bull dogs and walk them together hand-in-hand nightly. our life will be one of movie sets and orgy clubs. we will vacation in rio and bali: places in which clothing is optional. i will not get jealous when people gawk at jason's massive cock because jason is a one man man: me.
jason and i will not have children as we will consider each others company enough.
jason will die when he is 52 and i will inherit all of his earthly goods and money which i will use to set up a foundation that will fund platic surgery for the homeless.

jakub stefano. if for no other reason, i am in love with jakub for his beautiful feet. jakub is a native of the czech republic yet we will lead a wonderful life in paris. jakub will be a house father caring for our 5 children while i work on the rue del'homme attending to the needs of frazzled parisians.
life with jakub will run the gamut between attending the paris opera and watching jakub sharpen his skills as a bull fighter.
unfortunately, jakub will leave me when i am 30 and will run off with a 15 year old girl from lyon. the french courts will award me everything and jakub will lead the life of boheme with his 15 year old and will ultimately die of consumption when he is 45.

last year, when i decided to take polo lessons, i met wally. wally is from argentina but teaches the art of polo here in santa barbara. wally is not the most handsome man in the world (BUT, check out those lips!) but he makes up for it with his sterling ability to make me laugh.
i actually consulted a hit man to murder wally's wife but geeked out w/o going through with the hit.
i will always consider wally the man that got away: except for one night more than a year ago after an especially tiring, hot and dusty horse riding lesson. nuff said.
wally (and no that is not his real name: i mean who in argentina is named wally, heh?)will eventually leave his wife and we will ride, two on a horse, to the pampas in argentina where we will marry. i will raise the children while wally teaches fat, bored argentinean girls to ride. i will grow fat from all the beef and gristle that i will consume but wally will not care one bit:
"mucho más al amor" he will tell me daily. oh well.

so, there you have it for now. more on this subject later. when? who knows?
i can now take "i try" off automatic play. good idea, huh?
peace,
tyler

"don't you think i'm good enough for you?"

2008-08-17T12:12:00.000-07:00

i often think of moms especially when i listen to the music that she played during the day while cleaning and doing her housewifey stuff...whatever that entailed. remember that i was only five when she and pops died, so these memories are very old, recalled behind a veil of tears, loss,regret and wonder...always wonder.
as is often said of people that die young: my parents will always be young, beautiful and, in my mind at least, smart, funny and bursting with life and as an extension laughter. they laughed a lot, we all laughed a lot.
my uncle michael is my mother's brother and when i spend any amount of time with him, the conversation always includes talk about moms: her singular walk, her reaching into her pocket and applying lipstck a 100 times a day. i ask the uncs: how was she as a child? was she good in school? did she ever want to be a psychologist? did she ever tell you that she loved me?
ok: so the music, always music playing in my parents home. as i have said before laura nyro was a favorite of moms and has also become a genuine favorite of mine.
(thinking about this only now and not aware of what was really happening in moms life)i remember that moms loved playing, what i now call, love songs that make you want to slit your wrists: case in point..."i try" by angela bofill now playing on my ipod thing on this page. i love this song.
one time i put this song on when bob was over and i walked out of the room so he would be forced to listen to it. i really wanted to see if he would relate, if he would have something to say about it or if he would ignore it (this would not have been good). bob is by nature emotionally reticent often incapable of expressing his feelings to another person. he does open up with me, of course. it has to do with trust and he trusts me...and i him.
(you might be thinking: how is it that someone whose career it is to open up others emotionally cannot himself open up? good question but having been a patient of his for several months and going into that same profession myself soon i now know that it is not the therapists "job" to open up to his patients but the other way around)
so anyway: bob and the song, "i try." he loved it and wanted to hear it again. when he had heard it again he said: that woman who is singing is very desperate, she is also very sad. she sounds beaten down. there is only just a shred of hope there, innit?
i remember coming back from i guess 1st grade and hearing "i try" playing and moms sitting at the kitchen table, drinking a cup of coffee (or i assumed it was coffee) and trying to hide from me the obvious tears falling from her eyes. i don't think that there is a worse feeling than seeing your mother cry. internally and externally actually i went a little crazy. i wasn't her big boy at that moment. i was a blubbering, scared shitless little dweeb who wanted her to stop, wanted to know what was wrong.
she covered up her sadness with a smile and a short laugh and proceeded to feed me.

"will you come inside me"

2008-08-15T21:06:00.000-07:00

" you can see inside me...will you come inside me?" i love these lyrics and song by minnie ripperton a precursor to mariah carey though one with no attitide and miles of talent. minnie died a number of years ago but left a ream of beautiful music, "come inside my love" being one of her best.
so how did i come to know this song and minnie ripperton? the sopranos. there is a scene inside of the bada bing in which the pole dancing women are sensually moving to this song and i had to find out what it was and who it was by.
speaking of barebacking and coming inside your partner's ass hole: there is definitely a mystery tied to this most verbotten sex practice. i personally have never shot my load up another dudes ass. i am of the safe sex generation, we do not cum inside anyone's love. unless: we are lucky enough to be with the same person for awhile and the tests consistently come back negative. kinda takes the fun out of it all, huh?
and fuck have i been tempted to let go and just forego the rubber and do the nasty the way it was designed to be done. yes. but never have as of yet.
good news: the uni psychology board has agreed to take written testimony from me in regards to changing my phd sponsor: soon i will be enjoying the sweet sweet lovin' of one sexy fuck, bob. my fears? all this build up, plain and simple. will i be disappointed? will he be disappointed? will he be able to even do it with a guy? remember he never has up to this point.
anyway: on other fronts. timmy is in my hometown going to the abbey in weho and acting like a proper so cal gay: uppity, careless, being a bitch and forgetting all that europe has taught him. no, i'm just fucking with ya. i have no idea what he is experiencing but i do know that weho tends to make you gayer than you might usually be. the castro in san francisco is like venice while weho is more like Ibiza: raw, obvious and crazy: not a bad thing i admit.
london is imminent. having some time off is imminent. fucking with my main squeeze is imminent. i'm scared. can he see inside me?
peace,
tyler

music: hear minnie's come inside my love on my ipod thing on the right on this page.

"London is full of Whores and Queers"

2008-08-12T20:55:00.000-07:00

nonetheless, i am going to london for a week in about 3 weeks with mr. bob.
i have to make a very very quick trip to santa barbara to meet with the phd inquisition board to change ny phd sponsor from bob to web. (or the inquisition board may accept written testimony: keep your fingers crossed)
web was my previous phd sponsor and is also slammin' hot but he is with someone else. we have known each other for so long our relationship has slipped cozily into friendship: a major growing up thing for me as in the past i would glomm onto a hot man despite the ethical implications.
so web and i are friends, he is smart and concerned about my future and he also became a licensed clinical psychologist at 27. he is now the ripe old age of 29.
the cool thing about web and is that we share the same birthday: december 22.
bob and web are also friends and tenured professors though from different schools.
london: sex, theater, soho, notting hill, the tate, restaurants (gordon ramsey's of course).bob and i will surf wherever we can. we will stay at the dorchester...at my insistence...just because that is where elizabeth taylor always stays.
right now i am winding down in nyc: both school wise and personally. i have become a celibate, i pray daily, i eat only chocolate and drink pinot noir. i wax my entire body and i have shaved all my hair off. i wear only muslin caftans and have stopped working out. i troll central park for tricks in which i perform all sorts of disgusting sexual acts on more than disgusting men and women for 50 cents.
i am content. i am happy. i often return home with my rectum filled with the rancid cum of 100's of men. i gladly remove said cum with a turkey baster and use the contents to feed my many orchid plants. they gobble the human food ravenously and grow to gigantic proportions.
i am ready for london. and london is ready for me.
peace,
tyler

music: listen to my blog ipod and learn more about me than anything that i have ever written here.

it's new york city, after all......

2008-08-08T19:50:00.000-07:00

i forget sometimes where i am/have been the last few months. though l love los angeles as i would a sister, i adore new york.
i forget how lucky i am to be here getting a taste of the greatest city in the world. and though some would paint new york as a city that is hard to get to know, i personally have not found her to be so.
i visited nyc several times before my last and this years stay here as a student and intern but it is not until you live here that you get to really know her.
take this for example:
pretzel vendor in columbus circle: so sweet cheeks (as she takes me in with her eyes from head to bare toes) what can i do for you? if it is more than a pretzel and mustard, i get off at 8 pm....hehehehe.
me: ahhh, a pretzel with cheese sauce please...extra cheese food please...oh yeah and a diet pepsi, m'am.
vendor: you can do better than that, can't you?
me: ok, how about a cheddar pretzel with a diet black cherry with extra whole grain mustard (i say sheepishly because frankly this woman is freakin' me out)
vendor: now you're talkin', here's my card,(a street vendor with a calling card? is this a new trend or what? wasn't it one of the vampires that had a calling card also?) call me if you get hard up for a good fuck (being offered sex on the street is a nyc thing, i guess. nothing like this would ever happen in santa barbara, believe me. on the other hand what if i would have said something like: sure babe, let's do it here and now?)
me: how much?
vendor: 0 bucks for you, give me a call.( i did leave her 5 bucks in her can, though)
me: (blushing from head to flip clad toes) ok thanks ma'am.
vendor: you call me m'am again immagonnacut your balls off, get it kid?
me: yes m'am..i mean yes, thanks
so did this horny 60'ish street vendor confine her sexual pursuits on me?
nah---------------
how do i know this? she pulled her sex scam on a 50'ish chubby dude who tried to buy a pretzel right after me.....i heard her...ha!
just to counterbalance all the seeming adulation of above...this:
me: i'd like a new york times please
newsparer vendor: what? you blind? there it is, grab one and pay me and get the fuckoutta here, charm-boi!
me: thanks, man. i haven't been called charm-boi yet today.
news vendor: what youamuthafuckinsmartass: move along or i'll pull those street sunglasses off your nose and stomp them....(ok, i'm basically a chill type of person but this scrawny fucked up dude is making my scalp itch.so you know i was wearing ray-ban wayfarers, yeah? i probably should have just slunk away fron this all at this point but i wanted to play with the crazy man a bit more...)
me: eat my ass, pervert! (always good to ask the crazy dude to do something gay...just so that he will let loose...even more)
news vendor: yeah you'd like that wouldn't you, fag-boi!
i have had a number of these altercations and with each one i get better at it. at first i just sort of looked sheepish and freaked out then with each one i got it! i got the who's and the why's: ya know...what the rules are of this particular kind of game called: how to deal with street people whether they be vendors or..err...street people. it's all a game to see who can "get to" the other. it is also a way for the vendors to find out who the tourists are and who are not.
i have graduated with honors, i think into the realm of the indigenous people: new yorkers as it were.
my dorm neighbors are students here at the uni, they play madonna incessantly, smoke so much dope that it seeps under the thin walls between us and generally have sex with each other and others as much as is humanly possible.
one of my neigbors is frank. frank is cute, 20 ish, lean, cut, eats whatever he wants and never works out though sports a ridiculously insane physique.
anyway, frank and i walked to campus together yesterday and i learned that frank was only recently frank...i.e. he was heretofore francine. oh yeah and francine is a prostitute and oh yeah: francine is a cwad...a chick with a dick. so all the sex i hear happening is francine satisfying straight guys with her penis which she navigates into their mouths and anuses. francine charges 1000 bucks (she says) and asks if bob is unattached. all i said to her was: ask him. ( what i like about francine is that, assuming she really does make 1000 bucks a trick, she continues with her education and her phd is in physics mind you...makes you think, huh?)
everyone here has a story to tell. everyone here is more than willing to tell you that story whether you want to hear it or not.
i love it here and i am sad that i will be leaving soon. more about nyc later.

THE OLYMPICS OPENING CEREMONY: WOW! Yimou Zhang, director of the sublime "house of the flying daggers" and the even more over the top art directed "curse of the golden flower" (the formations in the ceremony echo the formations in both of these films) has designed, produced and directed this breath-taking spectacle.

peace,
tyler

music: listen to the ipod. choose a song, play it and let me know what you think.

the doggy days of summer.....

2008-08-06T19:32:00.000-07:00

i realize that i am now obsessed with sex: unequivocally and relentlessly so. i see sex everywhere i go...or i imagine it everywhere i go, i'm not sure which.
this morning outside the steps of my dorm, two dogs are fucking and i get hard.
outside the campus entrance i see 5 couples french kissing and crotch bumping each other and i get hard.
(i could very well have imagined all of this, my vision is often blurred, my crotch often inflamed with the stench and infection of millions, even trillions of dead sperm cells)
on top of all of this my ex (an auto mechanic no less but a freud reading and comprehending one...hersh is an emotional volcano..one minute happy, the next pissed...ok, ok: a classic manic depressive. but when he was sweet and on there was no one better to me in and out of bed) has been calling me: it's as if he smells my panic and sperm heavy testicles all the way from santa barbara.
he says he wants to come to nyc, he wants to make love to me. he misses me. he says he made a mistake booting me. i said: huh? i booted your crazy ass, hersh! (not a particularly savvy comment from someone in my chosen profession but i can't really be held responsible, ya know?
anyway, i get several texts from hersh a day but he is as far away from me physically as i am close to bob. fuck, bob: what to do?
is this what love really is? is deprivation the way to redemption? what? am i becoming a monk for the love of bob? is being 35 (soon to be 36)as bob is, mean that you can really control everything in your life: sex, love, career?
i just don't know. is it shallow to want to wallow in the physical love of your man?
there is a movie, the black narcissus with deborah kerr as a nun in africa or some such country and all the nuns are hot for a sexy, daisy duke wearing though very sexy english dude who has eyes only for kerr. kerr, always the epitome of reserve and devotion to god ignores him. towards the end of the film, all the other nuns go into a kind of whirling dervish dance: discarding their clothing as the dance progresses to a macbeth/witches stirring the pot thing and the screen goes black...this is the 1940's after all. anyway nothing much happens. the catholic church packs all the nuns up and sends them back to france or belgium and everyone is better for the experience except kerr who dares to wish and hope that she gets to see the daisy duke short wearing english dude again.
so this is how i feel: like kerr with the dd wearing english dude as bob. this probably makes no sense and i actually don't care. take the last paragraph as you will, my friends.
anyway: the part of my life of which i do have complete control is my education: all is a-ok, going well, going as planned. i have made some great friends and am going out tonight with a couple of psych dept friends to drink and dance. bob will plan his lesson for tomorrow. another thing: except for when he works out, bob never fucking sweats! it is hot and humid here in nyc and i sweat like a pig, bob doesn't: he is so self controlled that he remains dry and composed. i often just lay my head on his lap and smell his crotch. lol: i am ridiculous, huh?
so tequila and diet tonic and dancing should help tonight but if the vampires show up, i may be in trouble.
peace,
tyler

Music: check out my ipod thing to the right. listen: this is the stuff i like and listen to every day.

saturday in new jersey: alone and carefree

2008-08-02T16:07:00.000-07:00

saturdays are usually spent with dr. joan, mostly listening to her patients (all athletes) complain about their lot in life. many are sad, many are gay (about 40%) and many are not happy about their being gay. this perplexes me mostly because what can you do about that? of course analysis will help sort all this out but:
A. they've already conceded to their gayness.
B. they've already conceded that they hate it.
C. so: they now are in a situation in which they hate themselves for something that cannot be helped.
D.dr joan is pretty amazing in that she can reason this all out so that the patient leaves with the sense that they themselves have come up with the solution when it was really dr joan pushing them to that realization. duly noted, believe me.
i realize that the sports world is probably a worse world in which to be gay then say the armed forces. at least if you are a soldier, baracked with a 100 dudes in south carolina in the summer where as little clothing as possible is not optional, there is a good chance that you, as a gay dude, will get some action...even if that action involves your being ganged fucked (pleasurably, of course)by some hot sweaty, buzz cut soldier boys.
but in the sports world, you are rejected outright (and yes i know i am generalizing here...so bear with me)and thought of as a detriment to the team. i mean is anyone at all gay and out on any professional sports team except david beckham?
so on saturday in the wilds of fort lee with dr. joan (and i know i pseudo-named her something else in a previous post but i can't remember what that pseudo name was/is) i am concerned and i listen to the litany of usually 10 guys and women who basically cannot function in the world because they are gay. and this is 2008 or 1958? you tell me.
anyway: dr. joan called me this morning while i was on my way to her side (really i sit behind her)and she informed me that she had a family emergency and had tried to cancel all of her appointments but could not get in touch with her first two: and would i go to her office and wait for these two and inform them....blah, blah, blah.
of course, i agreed mostly because one of the two is a major hottie who plays college lacrosse and who, i think has taken a shine (as Moms used to say) to me. not that i would do anything about it, right? btw: lacrosse is not so conflicted about being gay, i think as he spends most of his time with us talking about his sex partners and how they treat him like a piece of meat...which, and i am compelled to say this: yes, the fuck he is: as in prime grade aaa beef! (not very professional,i will admit but lacrosse is unspeakably hot as well as kind and huggable as a well worn teddy bear)
and speaking of my bob he had plans to go to see "the phantom of the opera" (he IS getting gayer by the minute, isn't he?) with a college friend ( a dude named george who i pre-approved as someone suitable to accompany bob. in other words he is nice but a geek. he is also of course a psychologist with a major practice in nyc...anyway he is safe: married (as if that makes a diff, huh?). so bob is taken care of today and after 10am i am free as a bird to do as i like in the fair state of new jersey.
so back to lacrosse :he arrives on time at 10am, i inform him of the situation and he asks me if i have any plans now that joan will be gone. ok...i have to muster all of the courage and the restraint that i can. i think of the virgin mary,i think of jesus on the cross,i think of bob wearing that beautiful cashmere sweater i bought him for christmas last year, smiling at me as if i were the only person in the world....but finally i tell lacrosse (who is absolutely devastating in black levi knee length shorts (thigh muscles bulging out like virginia hams), a tight white armani tee and black leather flips with toes both sensitive looking and masuculine...if you know what i mean and yes timmy you do.
no...i have to get back to the city...i say. lacrosse says: are you sure you can't have just one cup of coffee with me? i somehow wake up (more like i snap out of it, really) from a reverie and find myself staring at his crotch for it seems like way way too long. when i look up he is beet red but smiling. i leave immediately.
i must explain that i did not consciously say to myself: self...stare at lacrosse's crotch for 2 minutes but indeed i did and i have no explanation but that it was the natural thing to do when a person is in my deprived condition.
so now: the rest of the day will seem boring to you all so i will merely list the inane things that i did in fort lee: (in chronological order)
1. starbucks (and you know of course who walked in as i was leaving, right?)
2. pedicure (performed by a chinese woman from vietnam who also spoke french, was married to a guy who also did nails there at the nail saloon and who was 20 years younger than she.)
3. barnes and noble: bought the new joyce carol oates.
4. wall-mart: because i had never been into one.
5. movies: saw batman again. ate a large popcorn, a butterfinger and a large diet pepsi. for some reason this time, batman made me cry almost from the first frame. i must speak to my analyst about that. (as you knw my analyst used to be bob...but now it is temporarily my former doc who lives in los angeles and who is also very handsome.his name is webster, or web and you would think by hearing that name that he is 5' tall and 300 lbs, right? no way. the first time i saw him i got dizzy, i swear).
6. bought a slice big enough for two people of pepperoni pizza
7. drove back to nyc.
8. saw james gandolfini in the car next to me. he waved at me. i smiled.
9. i miss bob.
peace,
tyler

music: check out the new music thingy on this page. i loaded it with some of my favorite music. i will change the selections periodically.

i got bob a job!

2008-07-30T16:25:00.000-07:00

it has become very difficult to be with bob in any form of interaction: eating, sleeping, watching tv, going to a concert, sitting next to him, listening to his urine as it hits the bowl...ok...you get the picture.
since we cannot have sex until bob is assured that his removal as my phd sponsor has been approved (which won't happen until i face the psychology dept firing squad or inquisition panel or whatever the fuck you call it....) in september.
and though i am at school or interning in new jersey i always spend most nights with bob. i mean i love talking to the guy, ,love discussing life, discussing movies, talking about the weather...you know, the works. but all of this contact, both physical and mental: IS DRIVING ME UP A WALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so, i got bob a job.
and even though it is just for a month or so until the end of the term, it will keep him busy, keep him away from me a bit (i know this sounds both nuts and mean)so that i can maybe, just maybe not have a hard on for 5 minutes a day as his mere presence makes me hard, makes me crazy, makes me want to rape him. i have even had dreams (or maybe i was awake, i can't tell) in which i tie him up and perform unnatural acts of aggressive sex on him that involve all his orifices.
i don't feel good about this and i needed help fast so i asked my former mentor (who just may be my mentor again soon): what do i do? he suggested getting bob a part time job.
now it just so happens once i inquired at the dean's office, i was told that one of the child psych profs had to leave for personal reasons (sick i know, but the rumor is he had been raping his children for years....)LIGHTBULB MOMENT!
child psych happens to be bob's specialty: bingo, to make a long story short...he's subbing for month. heee----hawwww!
then i thought about it for more than a second: this means that i will now see him at school as well as at home! but thank god i do not have a child psych seminar this summer. but there is the uni gym where i'm likely to see him naked or clothed or working out. he makes this training face while he lifts that makes me melt into the ground like the wicked witch of the west. well: i'm not going to think about that.
so this is how and why i got bob a job. with my luck he will meet one of the dreaded, drop-dead gorgeous english lit majors and decide to run off with one of them. drat.
(i swear that since the july 4th bacchanal in central park i have been ghosted by these guys.i firmly believe that these dudes are vampires because i have only seen them at night, they always wear black, never eat and smell like earth)
for example:
vampire #1 (the one i almost had sex with in public and certainly did indeed make out with shamelessly.....and to make matters worse a fellow psych student told me yesterday that i was eating said vampires ass on that fateful night (when i asked my roomie about this he said nonchalantly: oh yeah, didn't i tell you that?... hmmm, was this why i had, what i thought was, lipstick on my mouth? or was it blood?)
so tyler how have you been? i haven't heard from you since the 4th.
me: yes, i have been very busy and i don't have your number. (wrong move!)
vampire #1: well here is my card.
( a college student with a calling card? is this edwardian england? OR: maybe he IS from edwardian england, heh?)
me: thanks jared (reading the card surreptitiously so as not to let him know that i don't remember his name). i will call you.
Vamp #1: you better! ( i swear this sounded like a threat/ also i swear his breath smelled of rat turds.
so, did i solve anything here? who knows?
peace,
tyler

music to listen to while you try to take your mind off wanting to fuck:
america the beautiful, the star spangled banner, anything by mussorskly, avoid anything by frank, ella, sarah, laura nyro, seal, stevie or take attivan and sleep as much as you can.

the incredulity of the long distance runner....

2008-07-27T12:15:00.000-07:00

last night i drank enough tequila to choke a horse and texted and chatted with friends until 5 am. i woke at 7, which would normally be the weekend starting time for my run through new york city. needless to say i guess, i was conflicted: do i go back to sleep, do i go back to sleep or do i go back to sleep? so i got up, put on my gear and headed out for the sure to be almost deserted streets of new york.
here are some of the things that i witnessed:
1. two older gentlemen (as in two men in their 70's and who looked very jewish, very "i have 6 children and 30 grand children" types, making out for real (tongues darting in and out of each others mouths) in front of carnegie hall. one was leaning against the facade and the other had his leg between the others...and i swear it was sexy and strange as hell. is everyone gay now or bi curious or WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? are grandparents now going into the darkness, also?

2. turning the corner from c hall, i saw jason statham come out of the carnegie deli with a very young (like 20, maybe) blond girl towering over him. he's very masculine, very sexy, very hot but short (though his bio says he's 5'11") but it doesn't really matter, i still lust after him. he saw me sweating in a manner that only those infused with loads of toxic tequila (from the night before) can sweat and said: "hey mate, nice trackers." just my luck, i see/meet, am greeted by jason stratham and all he mentions are my running shoes. now it is true by the time i had run from the uni to the c hall area i was drenched with sweat and looked like i had been pee'd on by an elephant and probably smelled worse: so what do i expect, heh?
3. in columbus circle (home of lincoln center)i run into a gaggle of lesbians protesting a supposedly anti-lesbian play that is being performed here. i never did get the name of it (i am supposed to be running here, right? not reading the sign work). anyway, a particularly virulent and nasty lez accosted me with: put your shirt on or you will be the only one the photogs will photograph and we are here to make a social as well as sexual freedom point!!!" ok, so how do i take this? is she complimenting me or dissing me? think about it and let me know. i never said anything to her and moved on to midtown.
4. mid town is my favorite part of nyc as it includes all the theaters, the huge HD tv screen, times square and all the usual stuff we all associate with new york. i especially like it on sunday mornings at 8 because there is hardly anyone around except for the horse cops...several of whom are very cute and go out of their way to say hello to me as they have now seen me many mornings in a row: sweating, running, sometimes looking as if i am going to die (as in this morning). one randy, sexy horse cop name of jed (i kid you not and to make it even weirder he is from fort lee, new jersey and his mother was/is a big fan of the "beverly hillbillies.") offers me a ride on his horse back to school. and though the thought of being so close to him, sweating like a pig with my arms around his back really really appeals to me, when he offers to have bagels and coffee with me in central park (which of course is on the way back to the uni)...i decline. and you know why i decline and his name is bob who is btw in maine celebrating his sisters birthday. damn!
i am positive that jed wanted to make the beast with 2 backs in the seclusion and privacy of an out of the way corner of c park...but nooooooo. though jed pouted a bit and looked crushed...i couldn't do it now could i?
4. nothing happened much on the run back to the university though i did witness several couples on the park avenue west side of central park fucking: certainly this has got to be against the law but as all of the horse cops are flirting with each other and with innocent bystanders both men and women...who would arrest them?
5. to make this seemingly sex-oriented themed run complete: when i get back to the dorm my roomie, who heretofore has shown no interest in sex either gay or str8,is nude and pumping his gigantic penis (and i only saw the part of the penis that was NOT in her)into a woman of about 50. they both seemed to be having a great time.
Ok: so what did i learn today?
1. everyone is gay.
2. don't drink too much tequila
3. eat more than trader joe's bittersweet chocolate with almonds if you must drink tequila
4. everyone and i mean everyone is having sex except me.
5. attempt to jerk off on or next to bob when he sleeps (and i mean sleeps) over so as to make me think that i am actually having sex with him. i mean it's better than jerking off into the mop bucket of the 4th floor cleaning closet at school, right?

music to listen to while you contemplate slitting your wrists: morrissey, the cure (especially "disintegration"), black sabbath (paranoid), theme music from "titanic," any opera with maria callas but especially the versismo ones like "tosca," and madama butterfly," tchiakovsky's "the pathetique." or you can ponder this by adonis werther:

random things i think about...

2008-07-24T20:21:00.000-07:00

bob and i are doing very well for those of you that have asked. he is still here in nyc and we are having an old fashioned courtship, translation: no fucking, lots of kissing. the guy won't sex me unless the school has transferred me to another phd thesis sponsor. and this won't be official until we return to school in september. so i jerk off a lot in lots of out of the way places: restrooms, broom closets, against a tree, in a gopher hole, on the subway (yeah right!)...you know the regular.
anyway here are some random thoughts and situations:
i was driving today to my intern gig and watched as a stupid dude swerved to miss a car...he was driving something like 70 mph and nicked the side of said car and hit another car so hard that his car caved onto him, crushed his face and cut off the top of his skull. when i passed him, having had to swerve 3 lanes over to his right (w/o looking who was coming btw), his brains were visible and the front of his car was smashed up to his hairline. spooky. scary. disgusting.
and i am wondering: what was i thinking not even looking for other cars when i swerved over and what or who was protecting me, keeping me safe in that situation?

speaking of feet: if you are going to show them in public please have the decency to groom them, ok?

why is it that now when i run from the upper 100's to midtown : nothing ever happens to me? i mean is nyc used to me? no ass pinching. no name calling. no wolf whistles. no construction workers shouting at me to suck their dicks. am i now considered a veteran new yorker: a face in the crowd? i like this. it makes me smile and for some reason it makes me sad.

why is it that food just tastes better in nyc? hot dogs off the street, pizza....especially pizza...mama mia! and yes i know i follow the atkins way of eating but...yes but....

am i the only one who is enjoying the tv show: so you think you can dance? i love to dance and i love to watch good dancing. the contestant dancers this season are primo. catch a show and you too will be hooked.

batman: the dark knight. this movie is so brilliant: sad, moving, full of heart and thoughtfulness on the one hand and vicious and bloody on the other. it is especially tragic because of the outstanding "joker" of the late heath ledger. ledger was so moving in brokeback mountain that when i see that movie i am a mess over and over again as i watch the final scenes. such a tragic, stupid end for such a good actor who was at the very beginning of a career that i think would have taken him to better and better performances.

speaking of ledger and the rampant sleeplessness of those of us in our 20's: what's up with this do you think? so many of my friends as well as myself just can't fucking sleep well. i mean what collectively is happening here? you read so many articles about what happens to your health when you don't sleep enough. does this mean that those of us in their 20's now will be stark raving mad when we reach our
60's? will insane asylums be reopened to accommodate all the old and sleepless of the world in the year 2048? think about it.

getting rid of fat tip: lift before you run and you will burn 20-30% more fat during your run. i wonder if that will work if you eat 8 ozs of bittersweet chocolate after you run?

i am finding, through my interning with a sports psychologist this summer, that many....as in a lot of her patients: athletes all...are gay and tortured by it. (btw: i am not betraying a confidence here as these people are not my patients per se and i am not naming names..so chill) are there more gays in the world in general or is it just me? and athletes seem to be the most tortured by it even more afraid and scared by it than the rest of us. sad, really sad i think.

is it me or does there seem to be less caring going on in the world now? less caring for one another on a human-to-human level? i'm not particularly talking about THE war but about the war between people on a very basic level. i mean (and don't fucking snicker at me here, guys) help that old lady across the street, open a door for someone you don't know, pull out a shopping cart for the person waiting for you to pull yours out...do your part. give the lousy drunk person some change. will 25 cents really make a difference to you in the short or even long run? do your part, be a mensch.

peace,
tyler

music to listen to when you are considering your life: the two requiems: mozart and verdi's, ella, frank, sarah, kaskade's heartbeat, madama butterfly...

i see you....

2008-07-21T18:45:00.000-07:00

there is a shattering, emotional, tear duct emptying scene in amy tan's/wayne wang's
film, "the joy luck club" in which a studious, devoted, always thinking of others never herself daughter (moms recalls how at the dinner that has just ended her daughter passed on the excellent crab and served herself the less excellent quality crab so that others would have a better meal), confronts her mother after a family dinner. the confrontation is one in which the daughter voices things both shocking and infuriating to her mother. a confrontation in which the daughter accuses her mother of preferring others to herself, accuses her mother of not knowing her daughter's real self.
the mother turns to her daughter and says simply and honestly: i see you. her daughter turns away and the mother repeats more emphatically: i SEE you. (i see you for who you are she is saying. i see you for the good, caring person you are...for the selfless soul with which you have been blessed. i see you as a reward from God for all my struggles, for all my pain, for all that i strived for but could never attain)
moms understands her daughter even more than the daughter understands herself: a kind of understanding that only comes from knowing, paying attention, listening and of course...it comes from loving. loving that comes from the gut. loving that comes from the eviscerating and total comprehension of another. it is also an easy love to feel because the object of your love is also your idol, your hero, your soul mate.
i crave this kind of transendental love. i hunger for this kind of love and understanding. i am on a daily search for this kind of love. god feeds my soul...of this there is no doubt.
i want bob to "get me" in this way. i want bob to see me.
peace,
tyler

music: mylene farmer, zazie, charles aznavour, stevie, marvin gaye, jill scott, kaskade (heartbeat especially), andy caldwell, frank, ella, sarah...

how i got my ass kicked at futbol by a group of sneaky hondurans...

2008-07-19T17:10:00.000-07:00

saturday july 19, 2008. i had planned to spend the day with my uncle michael, THE man in my life, but he and his lover decide to go to the metropolitan and i was in the mood to do something more sporty. bob, who is built like a quarterback, but who can't even throw a decent football pass ( he says he is an ace ice hockey player: something he doesn't get to play often in sunny sb) decided to join the uncs. (though nothing was said after i returned home but it got me to thinking: what was discussed between my very, shall we say inquisitive, concerned, protects me as a lion would protect his cub, uncle who loves me more than life and adopted me when he was younger than i am now and whom i love more than anyone in the world? i mean think about it: the two men i love most together for hours and hours with nothing in common except ME: what did they say?) hopefully, i will never know. and believe me, uncs would have told me if he had problems with bob. he's had most of today to say something and he seems very happy to be in nyc and to see me and of course, i...him. when i told him that bob was coming to dinner tonight (sunday) he didn't make that face...and we all know about THAT face: the one our parents give us when they disapprove. ok, truth: if uncs doesn't love bob as much as i do i will be majorly bummed. i must have his approval and consent. i mean: who will walk me down the aisle when bob and i marry in 2011?
so my roomie and i decide to play futbol with a pick-up team with which we often get together every saturday.
now bare in mind all of us, the pick-up team that is, are pretty good to excellent futbol players: all of us having spent our youth and beyond doing so. anyway, we are cocky, brash, all american, average height 5'9", "we can never lose at fubol" assholes.
after playing about 20 games here in central park and never having lost one, we scoffed at playing a group of short, real short hondurans and salvadoreans. well, you know what happened: we got our asses demoralized and fucked big time by these hondurans, etc. we stopped counting after their 10th goal to our zilch. it is a prime example and lesson in life: never judge a fucking book by it's cover, innit? and how many times have you heard that well worn phrase and merely sloughed it off. i am now here to tell you: IT IS TRUE, guys and gals.
to make matters worse we bet them $200 bucks which we were hard pressed to pull together.
after the game, we slithered out, our tails between our legs, our egos properly demolished. we headed to an irsh pub in mid-town to drown our sorrows. it took 3 shots of glenlivet, neat and a couple pints of guinness to make the humilation that had just happened to us bearable and to ultimately make us laugh. we'll survive, heh?
no, not until we order enough fish and chips with malt vinegar to feed a plow horse.
with all that beer and fried food sloshing about in my gut, i head back to the dorm and find the uncs and his man cleaning my room. if it were anyone else, i would have stopped them going through my stuff but with the uncs: arguing, pleading does not work so i sit myself in front of the tv and watch a brit gay film called "oh happy day" which is a kind of revelation in itself because the gay characters actually have lives and careers out of the bed. in fact cher is only mentioned once and the main characters are conflicted yet resourceful and possess a kind of maturity and intelligence not usually associated with US. but we know better now, don't we?
after uncs gets done with my room, the kitchen and the bathroom, goes to the freeway market to buy food enough for 2 weeks at least (btw: i have no storage room so we have to stack canned goods under the bathroom sink), we decide to stay in tonight, cook, probably smoke some blunt and watch something fun on dvd. i suggest "showgirls" but only get bemused smiles.
peace,
tyler

music: danny boy...

chocolate

2008-07-16T20:25:00.000-07:00

there is a chocolate (belgian) shop in rockefeller center that makes cocoa truffles with bittersweet chocolate innards that make you almost cum. ok once a few years ago...oh nevermind.
i go there sometimes alone, buy 2 of the above (15 bucks), watch the freak show: a combination of beautifully dressed business men and women, street people, tourists, japanese teens with braces, etc., etc., etc.
i stare, i get stared at, i get stared through. i smile, i get smiled at. i get ignored a lot. i honestly don't take this personally as those who ignore seem to have so much to do and so little time to do it.
i 86'd school today and hid out on the streets of new york. (no i did not tell bob as i needed a time out from him. but if i told him that he might have crumbled before my eyes...he has made and is making a huge emotional deposit in our relationship. as i have said several times about him: he is earnest and forthright and wants to do right by me: he's my gary cooper though he looks like the photos i've seen of gary cooper from the 1930's...so sexy of self, so warm of personality...)
ok: i walked from the uni near harlem to macy's on 36th street and to be honest i ate evertyhing i could lay my hands on: yes i was carbing it to beat the band!
today was one of those days in which i was comfortable in my own skin, able to enjoy my own company, found it unnecessary to enter into conversations with others...i was an island unto myself.
towards the afternoon, i saw that a new french film was playing and i was just lucky enough to walk by the theater just as the film was beginning. "tell no one" is the name: pretty brilliant ya know. a serious film based on an american thriller novel and adapted into a french milieu: about a woman's disappearance, the repercussions of said disappearance on the life of her husband who yearns for his wife to return as, because no body was ever found, his wounds refuse to heal: exactly the kind of movie that i wanted to see today. i was definitely in a pensive, what-is-my-life about, where am i going mood.
"tell no one" makes me once again realize how connected to france that i am. i spent many months over a period of 3 years (high school summers, actually) there (in paris) going to cooking school. i love the people, the language, the culture, the art and of course...the films.
i returned to my dorm room at 7pm to my roomie and bob waiting for me so that they could have dinner with me. they were deep in discussion when i arrived and i might have, in the past thought something was amiss: but not this night and not ever i think where bob is concerned. (i now worry that it will be me that breaks bob's heart. i dream about it. not good i'm thinking but i put it aside as best i can). though i ate truffles, gyros, pizza slices, diet pepsi and real ice cream sweetened with actual sugar...i smiled and sat down with my man and my room mate and discussed my day and marveled at how perfect ( i know i shouldn't say this as it will automatically go sour the minute i do)my life is now. does it get much better? (you can begin to retch just about here)
peace,
tyler

music: zazie, mylene farmer, chimene, gilbert becaud, charles aznavour, daft punk, kaskade, andy caldwell, alison moyet, stevie...

lazy days and nights

2008-07-13T09:53:00.000-07:00

muggy sunday morning in new york city: in order to spend a couple days with bob, i decided not to study this weekend.
sunday: this morning we ran to times square very early, stopped at the carnegie deli for bagels, lox and cream cheese, went to the gym and now we are in bed. he is asleep right now. i can hear him breathe as i type this. i could write things about how i like to watch guys sleep and how cute they look when they do so...but i won't.
about the run: 6 am, we ran down broadway to 44th street then crossed 44th to park avenue and then back to 121st street...even the street people were asleep. it was like the first scene of the movie, "28 days later." we didn't even see any police. it was like heaven or what i hope heaven will be like: a cosmopolitan city with everything you could ever hope for contained within 100 blocks: movies, theater, restaurants of all kinds, book shops, hot dog stands, gyro stands, shopping of every nature (not that i am a "shopper" per se...i'm one of those that knows what i want, finds it or not...and leaves the store). the run was uneventful except that bob was not used to running with me nor i with him. on the surface, you might think: so, what's up with that, huh? you put on your gear: trackies (stole this term for running shoes from a brit), black low rise sox, black cotton shorts, wife beater and tee shirt (which usually gets pulled off within one block of home but you need it if you want service anywhere in this town). you go out the door and you run, hopefully both in the same direction. one problem though: i am so used to running by myself that i do not speak while running as it interrupts my breathing. bob goes with his psychology cronies and i guess they speak continually : chatting about all sorts of things psychological or sporty.
so bob would ask me a question and i would give him a curt answer. after a couple of these he thinks that i am mad at him. then i have to tell him the solo runner philosophy and immediately I feel bad. so i make him stop and assure him that it has nothing to do with him. ok, i know: YAWN time.
all of the above is to let you know the following:
1. bob and i are doing very very well
2. we are going to watch the entire season of "mad men" with the dreamboat jon hamm on on demand today...13 episodes worth.
3. i will cook all day as i shopped yesterday at the freeway market and have a bunch of food and wine to last us all day and night.
4. i now know that bob can fall asleep at the drop of a hat even if he has just woken up. so this means that i will never get on a plane with him if i want company...because he will not be able to provide same as he will be asleep.
saturday night: we went to little italy with school friends (one cougar (an older sister of one of my friends)woman took a decidedly sensual interest in bob, actually touching his face...and of course she became someone that i had to re-adjust...if you know what i mean). the meal was great, the wine was better and then we were off to a soho GAY bar: a first for bob. it was sort of funny in that bob hung on to me like a little kid. think about it: this mature, together,buff dude afraid of a bunch of screaming (ok, only a few were actually screaming) queens. it was sweet. i assured him that i would protect him and that he had nothing to fear but fear itself.....(think about it my quoting douglas mac arthur in a soho gay bar??)
ok: so now i must get up and cook something for lunch (bob w/o fail eats what moms used to call: 3 squares)and do the prep for dinner so we can began to watch my secret boyfriend, jon hamm.
cheerio.....peace,
tyler

music: kaskade has become my new musical hero. go to itunes and search for "kaskade remixes." his stuff is danceable, dramatic, sophisticated. the guy is near genius. i love his music. UPPER RIGHT: check out kaskade's "move for me" and i dare you not to move your ass!

THE talk...and some toes

2008-07-09T20:40:00.000-07:00

the bob stuff.we went to the 4 seasons for breakfast and the convo went like this:
bob: so i want to have breakfast with you and i want to tell you something....
me: ok ( at this point i am literally shivering as if i were waiting to be executed on death row)... i am here. talk to me.
bob: ok, i'll be brief and straight to the point. (like i want him to be anything else). i want to have a relationship with you.
me: ( having just had the best breakfast ever...perfect poached eggs and bacon) ok but what exactly does that mean?
bob: it means that i want to pursue a love relationship with you which does not mean that i am in love with you but that i am almost there.
me: pursue a love relationship? what does that mean?
bob: it means that i think that there is enough real feeling in me to pursue and take this forward to perhaps a love thing.
me: bob this sounds like you are negotiating for love not pursuing love. now how am i supposed to take this proposal.
bob: fuck you tyler! i'm trying to tell you that i think that i love you.
me: ok, now you've got my attention. but honestly: either you love me or your don't.
bob: that's just it: i'm not sure that i do love you but want to pursue the possibility.
me: that is probably the most bloodless declaration of love or maybe not love that i have ever heard.
bob: baby, can i try? i want to try.
me: yes. but you need to make your feelings more apparent, more obvious. we are talking L O V E here not the weather.
bob: ok, but you know that i have problems with this sort of thing.
me: problems or not, make your feelings known to me or it will never work.
bob: gotcha!
so that is how it started and that is how it ended. do i feel better after this convo? honestly, not really. what did i expect? a string orchestra playing in the background while bob, on his knees of course, pleading for my hand in marriage with huge tears dripping from his baleful eyes? frankly, yes. a pledge of undying love, spectacular sex anytime anywhere? yes. the keys to a montecito house close to oprah's? you bet! but i got what i got and there is no doubt that bob is serious and means every word of his carefully composed proposal.
frankly, i'm tired of giving bob the benefit of the doubt. but do i have a choice here?
he was so earnest and honest this morning that my brain tells me that he did the best that he could but my heart and soul is not so sure.
peace,
tyler

ok, the photo of my toes has nothing at all to do with the theme of this blog but timmy needs to see a pair of well cared for toes.....and he can do with them whatever he chooses.

music:the man i love (ella), my man (billie), why did i choose you? (steisand), been on a train (laura nyro), woman's work (maxwell), i try (angela bofill)...

he's back....

2008-07-07T20:39:00.000-07:00

though of late (as in the last week or so)i have been telling myself that bob is not the man for me, that maybe (just maybe W) that our relationship is inappropriate: a "relationship" that heretofore has consisted of one chaste kiss...ok maybe not so chaste but only one nonetheless...once i saw him waiting for me after my internship today, standing in front of my face with a snug "i heart ny" tee shirt, black levis shorts and a pair of black leather flips, all his male pulchritude on view for all to see, i melted and all the feelings that i have tried to talk myself out of, all the emotions that i have covered with chocolate, red wine, anejo tequila and fucking under-grad hotties came forth unguarded, surrounded with magic.
i saw him after 10 days standing before me smiling, waving at me like i was returning from war, arriving after a long vacation and something very deep inside me erupted: is it love? is it admiration? is it the type of love that can be called brotherly...or is it the real thing? i don't know but i would be lying to him and to you if i said that seeing him again did not stir me to my core.
i mean, like a scene out of a fuckin' super romantic movie, we ran towards each other, embraced and yes kissed right there on 121st. street.
oddly enough, while in the throes of all of this i was thinking: is this a chaste, brotherly kiss or is this a we are gonna end up making the beast with 2 backs pronto kiss?
i know you want to hear something concrete here but i cannot give it to you. all i can say once again is: i do not know. we certainly did not have sex after that. what we did do is go to carmines on 44th street and eat or more to the point he ate and i watched him consume large quantities of wine and food. ok, i had some wine also.
and we talked about his trip and we talked about his family and i talked about school and my internship and our legs and thighs and arms were touching the whole time.he didn't move away from me and it felt good and it felt close.
he said he missed me and i concurred.
i DID say that when i get back to santa barbara and the university that i had to request a different phd sponsor and he said that yes that is what he had been thinking.
i purposely held back talking about US and he of course being the shy, is he gay or is he str8 surfer dude said nothing in regards to that.
all he said was: i need to talk to you tomorrow.
i said, ok. what i really wanted to say was: would you please admit that you love me and want me to have your babies, get married and live happily ever after...but that was not to be, at least on this beautiful day, in exciting mid-town new york city on monday july 7th, 2008.
until tomorrow.
peace,
tyler

love or romantic songs were in order after today, right?:
whenever, wherever, whatever (maxwell): the ultimate love song, the confession (laura nyro), an empty glass (peggy lee), i try (angela bofill), let's get it on (marvin gaye), the man i love (billie holiday or carmen mccrae), he's so fine (the chiffons) you don't love me when i cry (laura nyro)...

odds and ends: the debauched

2008-07-05T14:33:00.000-07:00

ok,so my roomie and i set off for coney island yesterday to witness the nathan's hot dog eating contest which began and ended in controversy in that the contest was chopped by 2 minutes which means that the two favorites Kobayashi and Chestnut had to consume what was predicted would be 66 hot dogs in 2 minutes less than last year: a contest that chestnut won.
at seven minutes, chestnut began to struggle with the puke reflex. with one minute remaining, kobayashi pulled ahead by three dogs. both finish with 59 dogs!

a five dog eat-off will determine the winner. The first to eat the five is the winner. Chestnut wins in a photo finish!
(My opinion - I could not see that Chestnut had shoved in all 5 overtime hot dogs any more than Kobayashi. This should have gone to Penalty Hot Dogs.)

so ok, a little controversy on a warm july4, roomie (he doesn't want me to use his name as all of his friends supposedly secretly read this blog (IF his friends secretly read this blog, how does he know...???)and i decide, since we have a few hours before we hit central park, the concert and the dynamite partying...that a beer or two would be in order. so begins the debauchery, act I.
we find a place that taps guinness and london porter and we proceed to spend 4 hours drinking, NOT eating and getting to know each other which seemed like a good idea since we had been sharing quarters for a month.
we pry ourselves off the bar stools at about 3 pm, go back to the dorm, gather our contributions to the july4 central park concert and we are off. act II.
there are about a dozen uni students there, a keg, multiple bottles of red and white, a huge sandwich from dean and deluca oh yeah and 3 hot guys : under-grads from the, of course, english department (for some reason here most english students are guys and most are cute). we eat, we drink, we drink, we drink, we eat, we listen to the concert (i have no recollection of what was played), we drink. you get the picture. 2 of the english dept dudes are str8 but one, the cutest if you ask me was gay. his name is roger and, after chatting him up and obscenely flirting with him, i somehow found myself on top of him, making out. from what i remember we had a grand time and as for making a spectacle of ourselves in this huge mass of people: nah---------.
by no means were we the only horn dogs doing what comes naturally to horn dogs. to be honest, some str8 couples were even fucking...under blankets of course. (this sounds like what happens at an nine in nails concert or, according to moms, woodstock, right?)
this morning the convo between roomie and me:
roomie: (laughing) you two made a spectacle of yourselves
me: did we get naked?
roomie: no but....
me: ok, so we kept out clothes on then?
roomie: but you were on top of him making licking sounds and you had your tongue down his throat and you were tumescent...
me: boy, sounds like you were pretty interested in what i was doing, huh? tumescent? tumescent??? who talks like that?
roomie: you were lying down right next to me, what else was i supposed to do
me: you could have participated, you could have moved, you could have ignored us. ///
roomie: yes but that isn't all of it.
me: does it involve one of the other of the marginally str8 english lit guys?
roomie: yes, so you remember?
me: yes. (i smile)

we somehow make it out of central park and to the dorm seemingly unscathed when the odd, strange phenomena known as "dialing fingers" hits me. i text and call over a dozen friends in santa barbara on our drive home and chat their heads off. to all of you: mea culpa mea maxima culpa! i hope i was nice. most likely i was merely long winded and joyously drunk.

btw: someone (not me, i swear) sat on my beautiful white chocolate ganache cake but we ate it anyway: i mean it didn't smell of ass or anything and actually complimented the primo red burgundy i brought. roger liked the combo also. (err, i supposedly fed roger cake with my fingers...hmmm...i did have white stuff which i was hoping was not ganache all over my black levi shorts)

so, all in all, a good time was had by all. the only problem was that this am i woke up with a decidedly blue-tinted testicle.
peace,
tyler

recently listened to ipod songs: i can't wait (original flavor mix) andy caldwell, chicago masters ep...chicago dj rasoul, sing (moto blanco remix)annie lennox, effets secondaires...mylene farmer, a taste of honey...morgana king, a tisket, a tasket...ella fitzgerald, in the wee small hours of the morning...frank sinatra, open up (full vocal mix)...leftfield, soul shelter...sander kleinenberg, rise (eric kupper remix)...samantha james....

for no other reason than that i think it is salaciously funny, there is this photo stolen from another blogger's blog (thanks, chris!)

this is jon hamm. he is slammin' hot. i actually wrote a whole blog on jon a month or so ago. i was just thinking about him as i sit here in the uni library. his series "mad men" is first rate and as you can see he just oozes sex appeal. yowza.

short and sweet 7/4/08

2008-07-04T11:32:00.000-07:00

the 4th: i plan to go with some school friends to a huge concert in central park at which i will consume large quantities of: animal flesh, new york rye, new york kosher pickles, california and french reds, chocolate ganache cake (which i will make and bring), vanilla ice cream (which we all will churn)and whatever else people bring. i plan to have a good time.

i mentioned maxwell (the r&b singer) this week...and i bave been listening to his stuff almost non-stop since.
songs to check out on youtube by him:
woman's work, whatever, whenever, whatever, ascension.
maxwell sings literally like an angel: he is in a class by himself. i hope he puts out some new music soon.btw: his mtv unplugged concert is primo!

Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest: for the first time ever, i will go watch this yearly hot dog consuming contest:

Takeru Kobayashi, left, of Japan poses for photographs with last years hot dog eating champion Joey Chestnut, of San Jose, Calif., during the weigh in news conference for the Nathan's Famous International Hot Dog Eating Contest Thursday, July 3, 2008 in New York.

have a groovy 4th!
peace,
tyler

Stuff

2008-07-02T19:13:00.000-07:00

whereas i was in tip top shape during the regular school year as is expected of one, as in me, who plans to become a sports psychologist. right now, as in this morning i hit the road (as in running)and the gym after a month or so of not doing so.
i looked at myself naked in the mirror this am and genuinely felt that i looked pretty good but i didn't feel up to par so it was back to my training schedule.
and for those of you that have never run down a nyc street at 6 in the morning or at any other time...it is an experience not to be believed.
my university is way up broadway and i wanted to run to times square and back. times square is at 44th street and broadway. in the 160 blocks to and fro the following happened:
1. i was ass pinched and slapped
2. i was called a fuckin' fag
2a. i was also called a meat head and a fuckin' man ho (?!)
3. i was slapped across the face by a street person
4. i was groped in the groinal area by a street person...sex unknown
5. a preppy school fuck tried to trip me
6. a group of mid-town women stuck their collective tongues out at me
7. i stopped in the upper west side for a bagel and smoked salmon but once i got my order i realized that i had not brought any money and was questioned by the police who threatened to take me in for vagrancy
8. seemingly safe back on campus, i tripped and landed on my ass and now have a huge bruise on my upper thigh....
i can't wait to see what tomorrows run will bring: yeehaaawwww...i feel so alive!
the rest of the workout was tough, very tough though a week from now i will be fine.

mr. bob called me this afternoon to let me know that he wants to stay another few days and asked me if i minded (which means i will be w/o him for the 4th: fuck!):
me: yes i do but i want you to have lots of time with your family so that they can leave their beautiful house to you (he sent me pics) and after we are married i will have you murdered...then i will inherit the house....
bob: you are incorrigible
me: i didn't think anyone used that word anymore
bob: i do
me: yes you do
bob: do you miss me?
me: yes i do
(bob's mom in the background): bob hurry or we'll miss the flower show
me: she's kidding, right?
bob: no she isn't. she's dead serious and i am going to drive her there
me: you're a dutiful son
bob: i didn't think anyone used that word anymore...
me: i do
bob: yes you do

you gotta love a man who loves his moms, huh?
peace,
tyler

my top 10 most played itunes songs (be aware that i only use my ipod when i run):
10. situation (richard x remix) yaz
9. sun red sky blue kenna
8. let me know roisin murphy
7. get the balance right depeche mode
6. don't look back telepopmusik
5. daylight kenna
4. let me know (joey negro remix) roisin murphy
3. don't you love me (ronan's disco vocal) andy caldwell
2. steppin' out kaskade
1. amazing (bill hamel remix) seal

random thoughts and semi-fun

2008-06-30T20:28:00.000-07:00

this is a fun game/amusement when you have nothing else to do or you are alone or with friends, stoned, drunk or ravenously bored.
click onto itunes, click shuffle and then forward to answer each question posed below:
What does next year have in store for me? “Free time”…kenna
What’s my love life like? “The same deep water as you”…the cure
What do I say when life gets hard? “Rockin’ around the Christmas tree”…Brenda lee
What do I think of on waking up? “not like crazy”…jill scott
What song will I dance to at my wedding? “tomorrow is a long time”…judy collins
What do I want as a career? “the night I fell in love”…luther vandross
My favorite saying? “like you’ll never see me again”…Alicia keys
Favorite place? “the confession”…laura nyro
What do I think of my parents? “sweet love”…kaskade
What’s my porn star name? “evil”…stevie wonder
Where would I go on a first date? “bullet proof soul”…sade
Drug of choice? “hain’t it funny”…k.d. lang
The thing I like doing most? “she sells sanctuary”…the cult
What is my state of mind like at the moment? “if I never see your face again”…maroon5/rihanna
How will I die? “overpowered”…roisin murphy

ok, ok...so it's only mildy humorous but i'm jazzed that my absoulte favorite song of this week came up: "if i never see your face again" by rihanna and maroon5. now, of course i know rihanna being the r&B fanatic that i am but i was bowled over by maroon5, who of course i had heard of because the lead singer is definitely suckable...but i first heard/saw this song performed on some mtv performance show and had to itune it.

bob has been gone for a few days now visiting family i think in maine. for all i know he may be visiting a woman...having monkey sex. but one of the things that bob isn't is a liar, he's so honest and straightforward that i know he is doing just what he said he would be doing and that is vising family and friends. and you know what? i miss him. i fucking miss his honest sweet ass and smile and the way he eats with his fork wrapped in his big hands like an axe protecting his food as if i were going to take it away from him. i hate myself for loving him or i hate him for loving him...i don't know which. and i don't know when i will know which.

school and interning is top drawer: crazy, topsy-turvy...i am always tired yet always horny: jerking off in public bathrooms, stairways...even rubbing myself on the elevator with others around. i have become a sex maniac through hard work and lack of deep sleep...through the honest endeavors of attaining a phd. this is my life now in nyc and i love it.
peace,
tyler

music: (of course) "if i never see your face again" (m5 and rihanna), "the first time ever i saw your face"(roberta flack),"smile" (laura nyro), "nested" (laura nyro),maxwell (whatever happened to him?...not the name of a song but a real question), "i try" (angela bofill) "angel" (aretha)...

bob is in maine and brokeback mountain is on.....

2008-06-27T22:48:00.000-07:00

in many ways it is a bit of a relief not to have bob here for a week as he is in maine visiting family.
it gives me some time to reflect on what the fuck i am doing with a maybe gay, maybe str8 man who for all intents and purposes is particularly emotionally unsuited for me.
so, is he bi? bi men are the worst: they will never make the decision to go either way because the pussy or the cock is so plentiful. i mean why go either way if you can have both and feel equally turned on by one and the other? it's like heaven, ain't it? i have a friend scott who i have known since grade school who is bi and loves every minute of it. we were on the strand in manhatten beach one evening,we had just fucked and decided to get a bite to eat at the hermosa beach pier. in the time it took for us to walk to the pier from his house, he had made dates with another man for that night and with a woman for the next. but is he happy? yes, some 6 years after that night he is happy, un-married of course and is doing very well professionally. is bi-sexuality a panacea? who knows? is not wanting to commit to anyone and not feeling guilty about it a panacea? who knows?
bottom-line, we all need to commit sooner than later: to our lives, to our professions, schools and ultimately to one person.
can bob do this? i don't know but i have the feeling that because he is so emotionally malleable that i can force him to commit to me. i can emotionally coerce him to love me and to be happy for awhile.ok, i've said it and it is not pretty, i admit it. but it would be great for a while until he realized what was happening. then he would bolt. and i will be devastated, right? yes.
so what am i going to do? i honestly don't know as of this writing.
anyway, brokeback mountain is on and watching jack and ennis i think to myself: what the fuck am i belly-aching about?
peace,
tyler

music to ruminate to: verdi's requiem (price, pavarotti), jonas kaufmann, kaskade, stevie, marvin gaye (yes, let's get it on...seemed appropriate), heavenly, andy caldwell, alison moyet, duffy...

laura nyro

2008-06-24T19:47:00.000-07:00

this blog has been gestating since i myself was gestating inside my moms womb. moms loved laura and played her incessantly while she were pregnant with me as well as during my entire childhood. my older sisters as well were immersed in the glorious music of this now deceased musical artist.
to listen to nyro's music is to be transported into a world in which nothing is taken for granted: a world in which Love once achieved and ensnared never goes away. Love for laura is a religion and she genuflects frequently at it's altar.
i inherited moms vinyl records and recently came upon nyro's "nested" released in 1978,6 years before i was born. there is a song contained therein "crazy love" that literally makes me gasp because the lyrics are some of the most heartfelt, emotionally and superbly well-considered and intelligent that i have ever heard: "pregnant with the knowledge and the flame of your true love" : "walk soft, talk soft like an animal on silent feet....on a block of snow..." who writes like this much less sings like this anymore?
nyro was from spanish harlem. she grew up singing with her crew on street corners. songs like "up on the roof" and "spanish harlem" both of which she recorded later in her life with patti labelle. nyro's version of love is filled with pathos and passion: a love that comes from due dilligence: from work put in, work often denied and rebuffed by its object. her music is at times both sweet and hard, both tragic and soft...but always transcendant as it comes from a place of truth and utter abandon. "Come to me" she is saying but come to me knowing that i am carrying the baggage of many love affairs: i have lost often but i have also loved...and that is what is really important.
laura nyro is an orginal and her music will last forever. i have always felt that the songs from her ode to nyc, "new york tendaberry" should be played at all of the yankee, giants and mets games in that they are pure, human and full of her personal view of life in nyc.
i'm sure she's looking down on us now smiling that sweet, bemused smile of hers wondering why we haven't figured out yet that love conquers all: that love is the answer to most questions, that love makes us whole, makes us real, makes us human, makes us crazy and isn't love really at the bottom line of most things that we do or think about, anyway?
peace,
tyler
music: nested, eli and the 13th confession,new york tendaberry, smile (all by laura nyro)

saturday 6/21

2008-06-21T18:14:00.000-07:00

bob and i and a couple of school friends, pascal and regine (yes they are french and smoke like chimneys and think it absolutely communistic that they cannot smoke anywhere they like in nyc. when i told them that they cannot smoke outside in most southern california restaurants they turned green like the incredible hulk and both shouted: "and this is the land of the free!!!!!????" i replied yes it is the land of the free you just can't smoke here and give infants and adults tb or lung cancer)
but they both are extremely cool and more importantly they "get" me. and people that get me are few and far between if you know what i mean, heh?
so we are going to balthzar (i know, i know...kind of passe' but the food is good) and then on to THE club. dare i mention it again? the damian (i know i have called him both damon and damian herein but his name is damian) club: the name of which escapes me and nobody i am going with know a thing about him or...
i am lending bob stuff to wear as he thinks he can wear his faded chinos and 90's era flannel shirts anywhere. i will make him look hot but not HOT. (oh shit it wouldn't make any diff he would look HOT in his chinos, etc.)
more tomorrow on this. i am twitching with anticipation.
peace,
tyler
music: nested (laura nyro), kaskade, minus the bear, rolling stones, jonas kaufmann, la boheme (freni, pavarotti)...

day 5

2008-06-20T05:52:00.000-07:00

bob and i are getting along very well...so far.
today is 1/2 day for me and we are going to spend the rest of the day in central park: he is dying to see strawberry fields which of course is right acros the street from where john lennon was murdered.
he also wants to walk broadway from macy's in herald square down to (up to?) columbus circle: this should be fun as there are about 5 thousand places to eat along the way...
more later tonight....
7:00 PM: we had a hell of a good time today: walked miles up and down and down and up broadway. one funny weird story though. i bought a hot dog off a cart just across the street from strawberry fields because i wanted to taste one. i had just eaten lunch so i took a bite and threw the rest of it away. well, fuck me but the hot dog vendor comes running up to me shouting: "whatsamattah u?" my water is clean, my hot dogs are fresh, why you no eat the whole thing???" "everyone loves my hot dogs...where you from, russia??"
so what do you say to this? nothing is what you say to this so bob and i just ran away like two little tail-between-our-legs bitches...
t.

day 3

2008-06-18T06:59:00.001-07:00

well, it actually has been fun having bob-o-licious here and only partly for the following reasons:
1. i once again saw his slammin' body naked: he changed his clothes in my dorm room so he had no place to hide it....and he doesn't wear underwear...so...
2. he made me dinner last night and though i was tempted to help him, as he doesn't do this very often, i didn't. it was fun and fueled by a couple of bottles of good cabernet, we had a very deep and revealing convo.
3. we kissed.......a lot. and yes it was as good as i knew it would be.
4. no, we didn't have sex but we were jammed up against each other so tightly that we may as well have had it.
so, today i am ditching most of my classes and we're going to spend the day together doing all the touristy things that people do here in nyc.
this i my question though: he is planning on being here through august, will we return to california and get married after that time or will we not be speaking? (which is going to be awkward as he is my phd dissertation dude and my academic mentor)
but i will think positive here and that we will remain friends no matter what happens or doesn't. in my experience continual close contact breeds not only contempt but boredom. (and yes i know that boredom is just another form of depression...im well on to becoming a clinical psychologist, remember?)
bob and i are getting along very well and he is about as sweet as a slice of pecan pie (have i used that phrase already?): what else can i ask?
btw: i almost shit a brick last sunday at a club in soho: i thought (underline thought)i saw damian. but no it wasn't him. damn.
peace,
tyler
music-wise: lots of kenna, seal (despite heidi klum getting a tatoo), laura nyro, eric satie, the doors, stevie, marvin gaye.....

he's here.........

2008-06-16T14:28:00.001-07:00

8:00 am edt: (gulp)...more later.
7:52 pm update: bob attended my child psych seminar today and blew away the professor but now the prof hates me and wants him.
bob went back to his hotel to shower before we head out for dinner. (he can't stay with me because i have a roomie and because there is no room: he'd have to sleep on top of me as i sleep on a twin bed...)
more later.

958 am, 6/17/08 update: dinner was fun. no physical contact except for a hand shake. i have two very long seminars today so bob is going to take a tour of nyc and we will meet for drinks later. i slept (alone of course)the entire night with a boner.

t.

guess who's coming to lunch/dinner and breakfast?

2008-06-14T11:48:00.000-07:00

well, so it goes like this:
i pick up my cell and say hello but i already know its bob-o-licious by the theme song i programmed to ring when he does call...which is almost never.
ok, so he says stuff like: how are you doing, how are you classes, how's the internship? is alice a better mentor than am i? have you met any guys? ok so now we are in the social banter area that i like: the nitty gritty. of course i analyze/digest this question as if bob is asking me to marry him. funny how we make these kinds of jumps with little to go on, huh? anyway before i answer him i have to think quickly: do i tell him about the dude i met last night and fucked? does the dude i met last night count? nah---. should i mention the psycho dude in the next dorm room who once he found out that i was gay...began to lasiviously leer at me while scratching at his smelly crotch (this guy never washes his 501's, wears no underwear (which i like actually)and therefore drips pee, semen and god only knows what else on said 501's. the crusher here is that george (that's his name) has just finished his phd including his dissertation AND got a prime position at harvard at their teaching hospital...so go figure. anyway george is smelly but he gives me a boner nonetheless everytime i see him: maybe he did as well to his dissertation committee.
so how did i get here? oh yeah: bob.
anyway, bob is coming to nyc for vacation until just about the time that i leave for santa barbara. i'm thinking there is something brewing here in his mind that definitely involves me particularly when he says that he is going to e-mail me an itinerary and that i am included in his actvities everyday.
i don't want to break his heart (well, yes i do but in a good way as in the l word and i don't mean lesbian) but my time is likewise mapped out and it includes very litle time for fun, fucking or even eating but you all know for bob...things can change.
bob is arriving on monday 6/16: i'm scared shitless. scared that i have misread this whole trip and scared shitless that i haven't. help.
peace,
tyler
music: the new madonna eternally from the gay bois next door. i hate this cd now.
nested (laura nyro), mary j., music of my mind (stevie), jonas kaufmann, heavenly, the new hot chip which i am beginning to dislike immensely, santana's early stuff, chris cornell who is so sizzling hot that it makes no difference what he sings as i could and have jerked off to his photo fully clothed (him not me)....

i'm here, i'm tired, i'm dedicated

2008-06-05T20:06:00.000-07:00

i've been in nyc since monday, the day my classes and internship began. my room mate is cool as far as i can tell as he and i spend very little time in our room except to sleep (he snores btw). his name is jamie. he's from ft. wayne, indiana. that's about all i know about him.
classes are a fuckin' bear: intense, impossible, thrilling. this is the BIG TIME now.
my internship is with a no-nonsense woman and it is a relief in a way not to be interning with a man....as in bob-o-licious in santa barbara. i'm going to call her alice though that of course is not her name. she is 50'ish, wears small round glasses over which she looks at me as if i were from mars: which makes sense i guess in that she is from staten island new york, married to a lawyer, has 4 kids and i am who i am. i don't feel prejudiced against just held to a higher level to which i must always aspire. in other words, she expects alot and i feel honor bound to work to achieve that.
boys: man o man...i had forgetten from last year how amazing the men are here. YOWZA!
i haven't met anyone yet but the weekend is coming up and my friend Mario is coming up from connecticut to spend it with me: which means PARTY!
peace,
tyler
music: muzak in the elevators at school and the new madonna cd that i hear seemingly all night from my dorm neighbors.

off to new york city

2008-06-01T14:17:00.000-07:00

i am sitting in the san francisco airport as i type this waiting for my flight to new york city.
last night the bros took me out for a final fling (not really final but a hiatus for 3 months) at q's and we proceeded to take over this str8 bastion of male and female pulchritude...par for the course. carlos and greg behaved. there were no arrests and we all got majorly fucked up. i was supposed to leave santa barbara last night late but of course i never made it to the airport so i left for sf this am.
though it sounds like i am going to nyc on a lark it is just the reverse: classes at columbia and an important internship with a clinical psychologist for 3 months. this time that i am going to spend in new york will be very important to me career-wise though of course i yearn to see damian again. you remember damian from last year: approached me at the end of the night at a soho bar asked me to go home with him (previous to thin we had spoken one word nor even exchanged glances), we proceeded to have the best sex that i had ever had in my life and then in the am he made me breakfast and sent me on my way. i think we exchanged about 10 words in 12 hours. it makes me weak in the knees (as my aunt says) to even think about him. i often think to myself: did this even happen? but oh yes it did.
so: on to nyc for 3 months. wish me luck.
peace,
tyler
traveling music: music of my mind (stevie), nested (laura nyro), mary j blige, heavenly, coldplay,kaskade, alison moyet...

Partyin' in Los Angeles

2008-05-24T15:23:00.000-07:00

I very seldom get the opportunity to go to my hometown, Los Angeles and hang out and party with my uncle michael, his man and my los angeles bros: guys i grew up with and who have remained friends through the years. a couple of the guys, scott and bob...i have known since first grade at st. thomas school. we have all moved on but once or twice a year we converge on l.a. to bond via anejo tequila, bud and a genuine love of fucking with each other: verbally that is not literally. scott and bob are straight, ironic, funny, smart and a lot of fun to be with.
i also get the chance to spend some quality tine with the man, uncle michael, who has guided me through my life after my parents were killed.
Michael is kind, loving, considerate, a saint really: how many single men do you know who would take on the responsibility of a young boy when he is barely out of his teens? he's a special dude and his current man is lucky indeed.
anyway, this morning after a pretty terrific friday night at q's with carlos, greg and the bros, i arrive here in the city of the angels and the uncs and i go to breakfast at the pacific dining car for champagne, eggs benedict and some pretty intense convo. i love this guy more than life and he in turn loves me without reservation. i feel secure, content and happy in his presence and this big, handsome man will never want for anything as long as i am around.
so plans for tonight: dinner (i think ketchup or geisha), clubs (i think hyde) and loads of laughter and fun.
peace,
tyler
music: nested (laura nyro), mary j., music of my mind (stevie), esther ofarim, death cab for cutie, coldplay, hot chip...

motorcycle man...

2008-05-16T19:32:00.000-07:00

i have known brandon for two years. he was/is the guy who drove/drives a motorcycle around campus against all rules to the contrary.
brandon is tall, dark and almost handsome but what makes him ridiculously sexy is the appendage to his being that he sits upon: his bmw motorbike.
brandon is the type of guy who appears out of nowhere more than ready to flirt with you and to tell you things that you often need to hear: "hey sexy, want to ride me?....want a ride on my bike?" he is merciless in his attraction to guys. btw: he does this come on shit to a number of guys that i know and is by no means limited to me.
but this last week, brandon has been whirling about me both from on his bike as well from on foot: we share several classes together and this week he has decided to concentrate his immense sexuality on me.
brandon's sexuality is raw, obvious and unrelenting. i tried to avoid it but couldn't. so shoot me: i was a slimy ho for a week.
getting to brandon involves stripping away several layers of black leather and cotton underwear. he wears a lot of clothes as in long johns, tee shirts, briefs, leather pants, etc. we had sex 4 times this week: in my dorm room, out back outside the gym, in a bathroom stall in the psych dept bathroom on the 2nd floor and outside the trader joe's on milpas.
i couldn't help it and i blame brandon for my recent indiscretions. he is a ho: a sexy one who plies his wares on innocent boys like me. he also plies his wares on the less innocent: he cares not who he violates and how much pleasure he gives...which is mind-blowingly unbelievable.
how brandon came by his natural affinity for giving guys pleasure will always remain a mystery as he adamantly refuses to answer questions. any questions. how old are you? why do you wear so many layers of clothing? where do you live? why do your toes look so groomed? have you ever had a bf?...all of these questions are asked of him and all remain unanswered. brandon is an enigma even though he is an enigma unto himself alone. but be that as it may, brandon is a sexy mo fo with sexual technique enough for ten dudes.
oh well.
peace,
tyler

music: sade, heavenly, duffy, zazie, mylene farmer, laura nyro, esther ofarim, kelly clarkson, cream. jeff beck, al di meola, sarah, ella, jonas kaufmann...

east coast men

2008-05-09T20:05:00.000-07:00

as my nyc stint approaches i have begun to think about my time in nyc last year.as an all of my life west coast dude it was honestly refreshing last year to expose myself literally to the pleasures and foibles of the east coast and of its men in particular.
there is of course the unbelievably and never to be replicated damon who whisked me off to his humble abode, spoke about 10 words to me and made the kind of love to me that people write about in books...but will this happen again this year? i doubt it unless damon comes out of his cave and decides it is once again time to make love to a dude....oh well...THAT will never happen again but i've had it once and most have never had it happen at all.
i will be spending almost all of my time with people from all over the world soon: men and women who have come to nyc to avail themselves of an education that only nyc and columbia can offer. last year i met many beautiful people who even now remain friends and with whom i look forward to hooking up with again very soon.
there was this one dutch dude named kaspar who took a shine to me but to whom i did not reciprocate. i found out today that kaspar was killed last winter in a car accident. i grieve for him and his honesty and integrity: he loved me and told me so and i in turn rebuffed him. was i wrong in doing so? no. but it still smarts nonetheless. why is it that we spurn those that truly love us because they do not meet our criteria as far as looks are concerned? and with kaspar there was no "let's only be pals?" he wanted me completely or not at all. actually both kaspar and i share this outlook on relationships. kaspar was a very kind person who, according to my personal taste in men, did not come up to my standards: so-called standards that are nebulous at best. i will miss his smile, his sense of humor his very being.
anyway: i look forward with hope to nyc and my studies.
peace,
tyler
music: jonas kaufmann, rolando villazon, alison moyet, heavenly, talk, talk, joan sutherland, erykah badu, elliott yamin, luther vandross, teddy pendergras....

staying in on saturday watching the de la hoya fight with da bros....

2008-05-03T20:22:00.000-07:00

(this is the best photo i could nab off of the hbo website of forbes: poor guy)
i'm a big oscar de la hoya fan and a big boxing fan in general: something i share with my favorite author, joyce carol oates, who learned to love boxing by way of her pops as did i. check out oates' "on boxing." i can still recall watching boxing matches with pops: he drinking beer and yelling at the screen (which, though i don't drink beer, i do also: scream at the tv screen that is...)
anyway, oscar fought here in so/cal (in carson)against a smaler, weaker steve forbes.
the bros came over and i cooked loads of ribs, smashed yukon gold potatoes,huge amounts of arugula and baby lettuces with a homemade greek-style dressing and a fresh stawberry pie. the tequila flowed as it is may 3rd, two days before may 5th or cinco de mayo which celebrates the mexican defeat over the french in 18__? the funny thing is (and i just read this in the newspaper today) the french came back and re-took mexico for several more years. so what exactly are we celebrating on 5/5? i think it has more to do with patron tequila or cuervo tequila than it does about history.
the fight was pretty exciting but the result was a forgone conclusion as de la hoya was fighting below his ability level and a defeat would have been a major disgrace for him. it also didn't help (or maybe it did) that all month hbo ran promos in which oscar states that this fight with forbes was a "tune up" fight. in other words, oscar viewed this fight as just another sparring match albeit one in front of 30,000 people in person and millions on hbo. now if i were forbes (who is very cute, btw) i would be pissed. so maybe oscar knew what he was doing in order that the fight not turn into merely a one-sided, open and shut case with oscar beating the fuck out of forbes which did not happen btw. forbes mostly covered up and bounced around and waited for the round bells to ring and oscar got in a number of good shots but could not knock forbes down. so: a good fight not a great one.
de la hoya is pretty much a hero and boxing icon here in so/cal and though there are many in the hispanic community that look a bit askance at his marriages to non-hispanics, oscar is most definitely DA MAN! the fact that oscar is pretty hot only adds to his celebrity. oscar is 35 now and i have never seen him fight with more authority and skill. his next "real" fight will be in september with mayweather, who beat him in a very poor decision last year.
it's off to q's now with the battling duo of carlos and greg: please pray for me here. i don't want to end up breaking these two apart in a public place once again
and maybe having to fight one or the other or both just to extricate myself.
carlos and greg: they are either in carlos' room fucking or out in public at q's eventually fighting. fucking and fightng, fighting and fucking. go figure. carlos' gf has returned from the highlands of northern california and has stated that she plans to bed both carlos and greg...together! please let me not be home when this occurs, if it ever does because i really hate to vomit. all that wretching makes my abs sore.

this last week went well school-wise as well as my life in general. soon, i will jetting it to nyc and columbia uni for classes and interning for 3 months. can't wait. there are so many opportunities to meet men in nyc that just don't happen here in santa barbara. i still think about damon from last year who came up to me at closing time at a bar in soho, having never spoken to me the entire night, and said nothing except to grab my hand and lead me to his apartment a couple of blocks away.
yum.

music:
laura nyro, lorraine ellison, ella, hot chip, erykah badu, minus the bear,telepopmusik, heavenly, ace of bases, talk, talk, the clash...

random thoughts and situations on a friday afternoon....

2008-04-25T16:26:00.000-07:00

so today was a good day.. a very good day at school: workouts went well, classes even better though my bob was absent today, a victim of the flu that seems to be going around. odd, that the flu is even an issue here lately as the temp has been in the 80's for a while though, of course, the temp has nothing to do with the flu bug.
so, it was a minor bummer not to see bob's bright face and crooked smile today: a face and smile that is always full of wonder,positivity, hope and most importantly...kindness and a thorough understanding of what makes us all tick.

the charges ("mayhem," remember?) against carlos and greg have been dropped and the noise coming from carlos' bedroom is definitely not from a woman's throat but from a mans: i.e. one gregory. this is cool for both of them but as we all know it is a slippery slope trying to sustain a relationship with a bi-sexual. personally I would always be carrying around the thought that carlos would be looking around for a replacement, which is bad enough...but a replacement of the female gender. but thank god, carlos is not my problem in that way though as friends he is a problem in quite a few other ways.

american idol: though at first i hated this daughtry wannabee, david cook after this weeks andrew lloyd webber-fest, his performance of "music in the night" was unbelievably stellar in every way: WOW! the other david as in david archuleta was good but not as good as his counterpart, david cook. just for the record, i also loved dreadlocked, jason's interpretation of "memories" : albeit a weird choice for a dude but jason showed an emotional depth that very few of the other contestants could match. all these three gave much more than surface readings of their songs: songs that were written and first performed before these dudes were born.

tonight: no partying for this guy as i have a saturday, all day seminar with bob on my specialty: sports psych. hopefully bob shows up. as i am typing this i am about one millimeter/one second away from getting up and making him a sterling chicken soup with roasted chicken breasts and veggies but if i went over to his house with a pot of this and there were a woman there tending to his aches and pains i would probably kill myself. anyway: it's bill maher on hbo for me tonight, a couple of tokes and bed...now tomorrow is another story.

facebook: anyone else think that it is ridiculously complicated?

love has been on my mind of late or more to the point a lack of love in my life from a special someone that is. i have and enjoy love from friends and from my uncle michael there is no doubt but to put it bluntly, i need a boyfriend even if it doesn't work out ya know: someone to fuck, someone with whom to hold hands at the movies, someone who asks me to iron his shirt in the morning (a skill i learned from my mother who was an expert at it), someone i can depend on and he on me. i don't think i am asking for a lot nor am i asking for something for an extended period of time. i just need it for the now.
peace,
tyler
music:
aretha: say a little prayer, ain't no way...lorraine ellison: stay with me baby, madama butterfly (freni,pavarotti), erykah badu: tyrone, seal, keane, hot chips, kenna...

"the people who are the hardest to love usually need it the most"

2008-04-22T18:49:00.000-07:00

Love has no rules. It happens when you least expect it, often when you don't want it, many times when you can't handle it. It often times scares you, surprises you, shakes you down to your very core.
When love hits you for the very first time, you question your sanity as your entire world feels and looks different. What is it, you ask yourself? Why do I turn to jelly when I think of Him? When I wake up in the morning why is my first thought of Him?
Just as often you think: what will I do when he is gone, when I can no longer smell his particular aroma next to me because he is no longer there?
No one is easy to love. We all come from different places emotionally and making the connection is often fraught with difficulties, misunderstandings and failures of comprehension and communication. We all speak a different emotional language as different from one another as if we were from different planets.
How do we manage somehow to bridge these gaping chasms, then? How do we manage to fall in/ resign ourselves to/let down our guards...to open ourselves up to love?

random thoughts on a friday night before i go out to the only semi-gay bar in sb...

2008-04-18T20:31:00.000-07:00

so here i am, dressed in a pair of polo madras shorts circa 1975 that my uncle gave me, a black lacoste shirt with the collar NOT lifted and a pair of black lucchese western boots waiting for carlos and greg to get ready. now remember carlos and greg are currently on bail for trying to kill each other a week ago and "causing a general (as opposed to a specific...whatever both of those terms mean in this context)state of mayhem" at q's nightclub and pool hall: as the citation reads.
carlos ex/current gf has flown the coop supposedly to eureka california the nothern most place in california and still be in california.she is a fugitive as in bonnie w/o clyde.

bob-0-licious: we had our weekly mentor/student conference this week but instead of lunch we had dinner (as in we ate in a restaurant after 5 pm in the evening...a restaurant that caters to mostly adults with a certain level of sophistication and an upscale menu with a wine list and a sommelier)and a bottle (or 2 of wine) and neither of us were scooped up by God and flung into hell. though i didn't question the invitation or more to the point the change in the time and locale of the invitation but i'm thinking that it has everything to do with talbot my first grade teach and bob's thinking that talbot and i may have had sex...which we didn't and won't. unfortunately neither will bob and i at least until i get my phd or when i slip bob a mickey.

the big plan this summer is to once again teach and attend classes at nyc's columbia uni for approx. 3 months beginning in june. all of you dudes that i met last summer (and got along with...the others please don't)please get in touch.

american idol: i love this show and this season my just be the best one ever. i just wish that dread locked boy (jason) and daughtry-clone (something-cook) should be booted asap but somehow they are still hanging on. i think that 16 year old david is a doll and is almost great singer. on top of all of this, mariah carey's appearance this week was too funny/real/mariah-ish to be believed.

speaking of tv programs: am i the only one who watches the brit series, "coupling" on bbc america? i know it is several years old but all of the characters are so well written and acted that it is pretty well neigh too good to resist. any series that does a program solely based on sausages and bmw's is ok in my book.

chocolate: trader joe's has THE best chocolate bars (and i mean big ass one pound bars) imported from belgium that are unbelievably luscious as well as incredibly delicious. $2.99??????? how do they make money on this stuff?

ok: carlos and greg have finished fucking and are now ready to leave for q's. carlos is wearing 501's, a black pascucci's tee (a local sb restaurant)and a pair of beat up work boots: untied and w/o socks. greg is wearing "those" shorts: you know the kind in army drag material with pockets at the knees, a tight white cashmere sweater and a pair of ecco lace up demi boots. so it is time to go...more later.
peace,
tyler
music today: elliott yamin's cd: love this guy...a former american idol reject, mary j, mariah carey, madonna's new one, mylene farmer, zazie, chimene, caetano veloso, kaskade....

i'm in lust with eric case....

2008-04-14T18:47:00.000-07:00

as you all may have noticed, everytime you open your blogspot dashboard the angelic, toothsome , sexy face of one eric case, soon to leave blogger.com, appears: like an internet michael the arch angel, ready to steal your heart and inflame your loins.

i realize that i write quite a few blogs on the nature of lust, love and sexy men...but so be it. unfortunately i can't see an end of this in sight: i'm doomed to a life of loving and lusting after men i think are hot. and mr. eric case is one and my newest.

i know nothing of eric ( i can call him by his given name now in that i have now declared myself to you and to him if he is reading...which i doubt) except that he lives in san francisco (ahem, ahem) which doesn't mean that he is automatically gay or that he is gay at all. but gay or not...what brought me to eric's charms are his pearly whites and the way he exposes them in his big guy, i like everyone and everyone likes me, grin as exemplified in the photo above.

eric is the type of guy who would play catch with your little brother, knit with your mother, talk baseball with your father and do shots of anejo tequila with you.

reading the story surrounding the photo above you realize that eric likes to eat greasy hamburgers, drink beer and wear fashionable but ugly sunglasses.

i'm sure my fascination with eric will fade as quickly as it came to me especially when the police come and arrest me for stalking him. (alas, i wish i had time to stalk anyone except bob but at least with bob, i can actually converse, have coffee and buy him gifts)

eric: call me.

peace,

tyler

(100's of you have asked {ok, only one} about the carlos, greg debacle: everything is status quo: by that i mean the mayhem charges still stand, carlos and compnay are scared shitless and carlos and greg are back in school. carlos' gf is looking into entering a convent.)

music today: the B52's, mary j., janet, mariah (yes, i know), madonna's new one (yes, i know2), sting, the police, zazie, mylene farmer...

running man returns

2008-04-13T19:45:00.000-07:00

this vid is really cool: i've always loved the m.c. hammer fueled dance...the running man.

very laid back sunday: lots of study time, made some major bucks yesterday cheffing at a breakfast catering thing and got my cock sucked by one of the party attendees. thank god he took great care in choking my chicken: cock sucking is becoming a lost art but rob took his time, enjoyed his work and on top of that he swallowed my seed so that there was minimum cleanup. thanks rob, you are a true artist!

peace,tyler

listened to tons of stuff today while hitting the books, though all of it was on the quiet-storm variety: david sylvain, smokey, seal, joni mitchell (her blue period), rachmaninov...

btw: though not a rabid madonna fan, i think i was the only gay man in all of so/cal that did not see here last year, i'm kinda liking her new song with timbaland and timberlake...

huh?

2008-04-12T18:25:00.000-07:00

from the los angeles times today:
Priscilla Presley
According to People magazine, the "Dancing with the Stars" contestant was treated by an unlicensed surgeon and is planning to undergo more surgery to correct it.

why would one of he richest women in hollywood have work done by an "unlicensed surgeon?"
t.
(carlos, greg and carlos' gf were arrested last night for, what the sb police are calling....mayhem) a good word i think to describe what went on last night at q's....

miscellany

2008-04-11T17:23:00.000-07:00

carlos and greg are going on their first offical gay date tonight. as i'm sure you remember, carlos was/is straight with a girlfriend who up to last week only fucked women. then greg came into his life and now he is gay.
psychologically speaking this is impossible i tell carlos
me: carlos, this is impossible
carlos: why? why can't a person change his mind about his sexuality when he finally meets THAT special person who flips him?
me: it makes more sense to me if you told me that you thought that the world was flat...you must have had homo feeling prior to meeting greg....
carlos: no i didn't. greg changed my mind about my sexuality by way of his imposing charm and charisma (btw readers i am not making this up, carlos actually said this)
me: carlos, greg is neither charming nor charismatic though he does have a certain geeky attraction. plus he does have nice toes...i'll give you that....
carlos: when have you seen his toes?
me: what diff does that make? btw: what do you intend to tell your gf...who i noticed stayed over last night and unless you were strangling her, seemed to be enjoying you last night....
carlos: i will tell her tonight...
me: tell her exactly what? she's going to be at q's tonight also?
carlos: tell her that i am bi and that greg is the other half of the equation....
me: ok: let's think about this: first of all we know that greg can whip your ass and has done so very recently, right? and from the looks of your gf and the fact that she is built like a ukranian water polo player...she also looks like a formidble foe...the question is: who's ass is she going to whomp on first, yours or gregs? or: will she and greg turn on you......
carlos: i guess this is going to be one of THOSE nights, huh, bro?
me: hmmmm....yes mah brotha...we will probably never be allowed back in q's after tonight.....

bob-o-licious has finally commented on mr talbot. you remember, mr talbot with whom i shared a french kiss on upper state street in front of ihop: the man who was my first grade teacher?
anyway: bob asked me if , after he left, did talbot and i go off and have sex. for once, i didn't blush, high tail it out of there nor act a fool: i merely smiled and slowly walked out of bob's office.

the weather here in sb has been super: mid 80's and the beach has been calling me while i remain in my room studying, studying, studying. but this weekend i have a gig up in pismo beach with a catering company to cook for a family reunion. and said reunion is on the beach at pismo: we can wear what we like and what i like is swim togs, a tee shirt and a pair of flips. hopefully, since i am manning the bbq, i will not set my shirt on fire as i did the last time i worked this gig a few months ago.
i like doing these gigs because the money is great and i don't ask the uncs (uncle michael) for money to live on since he does so much for me already. in fact i'm going to buy him a "bra" for his new porsche because he freaks every time a rock off the road nicks his front end. i always like to do things for the uncs though, if it involves cash, i normally don't have the opportunity.

YAZ featuring the enduring legend alison moyet is coming to los angeles and i will definitely check this big event out as Yaz has not been to la in 25 years or so the ads say. check out yaz on itunes: situation, don't go are two of their greatest songs particularly the remixes.

john adams (our 2nd president for those of you who don't know) is a very great tv mini series currently playing on HBO. adams is probably smiling from heaven as this series puts a face, personality and major intellect on the almost secret presidency and political career of this man. adams was definitely worried about how he would be remembered as he was overshadowed in his time and subsequently by the monumental careers and personas of george washington, ben franklin and thomas jefferson.
one of the things that i really like about this series (directed by tom hooper who also directed helen mirren's prime suspect) is that all of these men, who in our minds are considered almost saints; men who conceived, fought for and won what we now call the USA,are treated as living breathing human beings: warts and all. check it out.
john quincy adams (john's son and the us's 3rd president) to his father: did you care one whit about your children and your wife while you were in europe begging the french and the dutch for money to continue the revolution? did you ever wonder if we were ok and that maybe we needed our father? riveting stuff.

i'm off now to the gun store to buy a bullet proof vest for tonight's st valintine's massacre starring carlos, greg and carlos' gf.
stay tuned.
peace,
tyler
today's music: Yaz, alison moyet, laura nyro, kenna, heavenly, seal, mary j., heart, chopin etudes, eric satie....

brits that i have loved and lusted after: the short list

2008-04-08T20:23:00.000-07:00

part 1: in no particular order:
1. matt grant: the bachelor
he's tall (6'5"), handsome, charming, loves to drink, looks great in rugby gear and probably knows how to knit a sweater and build a fire in the woods. i can see us together kicking a ball around, taking champagne breaks and peeing side by side at matching latrines without rancor.

2. eric bana: the star
strictly speaking, bana is not a brit but, being from australia, he certainly is/was a british subject: actually england used australia as a penal colony many years ago.
anyway, i just watched him in a film called lucky me in which he played a professional gambler, an american. his hair is long and he doesn't turn green or burst out of his shirt or battle with brad pitt but he is adorable in a beaten, rumpled, beautifully doomed way: just my kind of guy. he and i would have many children and i would bake him apple pies as well as wipe his butt after he used the facilities.

3. daniel craig: the sex pot
though mr craig certainly came to acting prominence with his james bond, i have known him for years in a number of his quirky film roles as in the mother in which he fucked a much much older woman: no not his mother but someone else's.
but i don't want daniel to fuck anyone but me. we would live in surrey. i would drive a cab and meet him daily after his movie work and we would share a guinness, a plate of dried cod and bubbles and squeak. then we would go home and make love 5 or 6times.

4. tony blair: former pm
nothing is sexier than a man with power and tony blair is one sexy dude. yeah i know, he's not handsome and all but he is intelligent, well spoken and cute in a geeky way. it is also rumored that he is a jackal in the sack. life with tony would be a whirlwind of social engagements at the opera and the theatre but we would still have time to play bridge and drink loads of tea. i would bake him crumpets every morning before i went off to a day of psychoanalyzing cute rugby players. out life would be one of weekdays in the city and weekends at our home in dover.

5. jude law: the chameleon
one of the things i like about jude is that he changes his hair color as often as he does his underwear. in this picture, taken outside the dorchester on his way to take me to dinner last december he is dressed to impress. impress whom is the question, innit? carefully check out what he is wearing in this photo: jeans, jeans jacket, white tee shirt, armani cashmere shortie trench, snow boots and a beige skull cap and we were going to gordon ramsey's restaurant for dinner!
jude is a cuddly kind of dude. he likes to french kiss and is a master felcher. a long life with jude is out of the question as he is a major playa...just ask sienna miller. but i'll take him for as long as i can have him, wouldn't you?
part 2 of the list includes such sex gods as clive owen, robson green and daniel day lewis...stay tuned

american idol: the dread locked dude once again demolished a classic song: this week over the rainbow in which he accompanied himself on the ukulele....a UKULELE!
the daughtry-clone wore a white military inspired jacket and yelled his head off to maximum audience acclaim.

i listened to a lot of stuff today: the cult,led zeppelin, heavenly,talk. talk, maria callas, renata scotto, erykah badu, kaskade...
peace,
tyler

today, i french kissed my 1st grade teacher.......

2008-04-07T19:33:00.000-07:00

though today is martin luther king's day and classes were not in session, i did have a lunch date with bob-o-licious. yes i know he viewed our date as a professor/student conference but for me i viewed our lunch as an assignation as sexual as any fervent, frenzied fuck in an alley behind a club at 2 am on a saturday night.
we met at 12 at ihop on upper state street (smirk if you must) i was wearing a pair of 501's, a pair of beige havana joe's flips and a black military style athletic cut shirt. he wore a pair of sweat shorts (no underwear), a pair of black leather flips and a wrinkled white (looked like a) brooks bros white shirt. he looked like an arch angel: all smiles, slightly befuddled and profoundly sexy.
anyway, he went on about goals and deadlines and paperwork necessary to complete my phd and all i could think about was how beautiful his lips were.
so we ordered lunch: he ordered waffles with whipped cream and strawberries, a soy capp and a glass of beer. i ordered fake eggs with cheddar cheese and mushrooms and spinach and coffee. we ate, he talked, i listened. he talked i listened. then it happened. my 1st grade teacher, mr. talbot walked up to us and asked if my name were tyler and if i had gone to saint thomas school in los angeles.
after about a minute, bob nudged me and nodded towards mr talbot in order that i respond. so i did. i said yes and asked how did you recognize me, mr talbot?
mr talbot grinned and said: i would never forget that beautiful mouth of yours. ok, think about this: a man who was your FIRST grade teacher has just complimented your 6 year old self by mentioning your mouth! strange, sick, maybe even disgusting.
i turned towards bob and his expression was blank, his mouth agape. he then got up and left leaving a 10 dollar bill.
i got up and asked talbot if he wanted to take a walk to el paseo so that we could talk.
talbot had to be well into his 60's but he still was attractive, slim and his eyes were full of life and wonder: all things that i recalled of him from my very early youth.
we went to starbucks and had coffee and spoke: actually he spoke about me as a 6 year old which bordered on ickyosity but i kinda got into it. it was obvious that he wanted to get to know me better but i'm 23, he's 64...do the math...it doesn't work. he is too old to have children. he is too weird to meet my friends except as an object of derision which i wouldn't want to put him through. so instead: we french kissed on state street in front of the starbucks on lower state street. he caressed my ass i sucked his mouth. and then it was over but you have to admit it was a martin luther king's day to remember, innit?
peace,
tyler
music listens today:
bent, the jefferson ariplane, quicksilver messenger service, moby grape, andy caldwell, kajagoogoo, talk, talk, tracey thorn, roisin murphy, heavenly, zazie,
mylene farmer, chimene...

sunday is the loneliest day of the week.....

2008-04-06T18:29:00.000-07:00

for several years now, sunday has been my least favorite day of the week: a day i despise even more than monday.
some people view sunday as another day of weekend fun and therefore plan events such as picnics, public outings, beer busts and general partying. but since i have embarked upon my mission of becoming a a sports psychologist (a clinical psychologist with a specialty in sports...blah blah blah) within 8 years of graduating from high school, my sundays have become ones of study and preparation for the upcoming week. this means no partying, no public outings...i in essence become a monk except for the few hours at the end of the day when i settle down in front of the tv with a glass of something and watch the tudors, the l word, the amazing race...which ever of my favorite shows is on.
which brings me to the licentious, bawdy, sexy, silly, bodice rippin' henry the 8th drama on showtime...the tudors starring the mildly hot jonathan rhys myers as henry8 obviously as a young man not the beer gutted, mammoth, turkey leg devouring henry that we have come to love but a young, virile henry who likes sex, likes to scream "i am the KING" incessantly, loves women and horses not particularly in that order. the drama is also set before henry starts chopping his wives heads off to make way for their successors. the tudors is fun, the production is lavish and the men are pretty hot...there was even a gay dude last season who was in henry's inner circle but alas he seems to be gone this season.
all of the above being said, i have a lunch "date" with bob-o-licious tomorrow. of course he thinks that it is a student/teacher conference though i think otherwise, obviously. i like eating with bob because he eats like a real person. by that i mean he eats anything he wants (and still maintains a slammin' body): burgers, fries, cokes with sugar, bananas, french bread, butter, apple fritters, doughnuts in general, ice cream (not yogurt or that dastardly stuff they sell at pinkberry), cakes, pies, meatloaf, etc., etc. in other words, he is a natural man. bob is just more concerned with more important things than how many carbs he consumes every day. this is one of the many reasons that i love him and also when i order fries when i'm with him he doesn't give me "the eye"...and you all know what i mean by that.
carlos, my room mate has finally confided in me that he thinks that he is gay and that he may be in love with greg with whom he caused a major scene last week at q's. he is so clueless or playing clueless that he has asked me how to "be" gay. i told him: act above it all, pretend you're interested in others real feelings, say sarcastic things, do things usually associated with those men who were called metrosexuals in the 90's. i also said that it wouldn't hurt to love madonna, kylie, tina and rem. this i said would give him a good start in places like the abbey in west hollywood (weho).
getting back to sunday tv, on bbc america tonight one of my favorite actors,who happens to be a brit, robson green returns in a mini series, "wire in the blood." but right now, an hour before it starts there is a bbc doc called "my big breasts and me." one of the subjects of the doc wears a 40G bra...this in a nutshell is why i love the english.
music-wise today it was classical day: prokoviev, rachmaninov, joan sutherland, joan baez and the clash......
peace,
tyler

leaving las vegas....

2008-04-04T14:10:00.000-07:00

as you all know (all 3 of you) i was in las vegas for the better part of this week. i attended a trade show with a friend and therefore i went basically for free except for the money that the golden nugget hotel stole from me via their rotten, cold hearted roulette tables.
i actually had a great time, drank lots of good tequila, ate at craft(owned by top chef dude, tom colicchio) in the mgm grand and generally had a gay old time.
which brings me to ben sanderson: shown in the photo above shopping for liquor in las vegas; liquor that he will consume on his way to drinking himself to death in the film, leaving las vegas...which by the way he never does unless you count in a pine box via a hearse.
now, if i wanted to kill myself, would i choose the slow agonizing method of death by alcohol poisoning? (which by the way, is graphically demo'd in this terrific though downbeat film)
i think not. for a week or so, ben does have a great time staying drunk most of the time as most of us would also enjoy. then...the fun stops, his body rebels and he mostly just lays about being ministered by the gorgeous elizabeth shue: she of the large breasts and doe eyes. though i am unapologetically gay, i probably would stop drinking if asked nicely by ms. shue...but one of the hooks of the film is that in order to remain by his side, ms. shue promises not to ask this question of our boi ben. though all of this is very dramatic in a days of wine and roses way (jack lemmon and lee remick...yes i do know films pretty well...and what i don't know my uncs knows)but the nagging questions are: why doesn't ben just swallow some valium along with his daily diet of 3 quarts of whiskey and be done with it and how is it that such a sexy, beautiful woman such as ms shue just doesn't leave...i mean the film is titled LEAVING las vegas, right? well, the short reason is pretty simple, innit? we wouldn't have a movie then, now would we?
so, elizabeth goes out and hooks on las vegas blvd by day and shares a couple 100 shots of whatever with ben at night until he succumbs to ye olde devil liquor.
those of you out there think you have relationship problems should take a gander at the central relationship of this film and thank your lucky stars (why is it that i am using every cliche' in the book today?) that ben is not your man.
ok: nicolas cage as ben. he's charming in a loosey-goosey way, he has beautiful toes, he's tall but c'mon: wouldn't the film have more resonance among gays or women if ben were played by george clooney or brad pitt??? the str8 guys have elizabeth shue to ogle here, who do we have? nicolas cage...though the rumor is that he has a huge penis...we never see it which is downright ridiculous as the dude is magnificently plastered for most of the movie. certainly after a certain point he would remove all vestiges of his clothing as he sheds all vestiges of his former and future life through the careful inhalation of as much alcohol as he possibly can injest, right?
anyway, check this film out but if i were you i would have a quart of something nearby: something stronger than diet coke...if you know what i mean
peace,
tyler
listened to laura nyro all day which seemed a fitting tribute to ben and ms shue.

i hate this show but i was forced.....

2008-03-31T21:50:00.000-07:00

literally hog-tied and co-erced into watching it so that i could see this man, the new bachelor, matt...a brit...
and though these pictures make him look like a twit...he really is a handsome dude and more importatntly a real charmer....so now i'm hooked....
anyone from england: please tell me what kind of accent he has. i mean i know that it is an english accent but from where? his bio says his a londoner and a rich one on top of it. i love the minor buck toothy action he's got going on.
check this out about this stone cold fox:
http://abc.go.com/primetime/bachelor/index?pn=bios#t=bachelor&d=84810
peace,
tyler
matt (the bachelor) wore rugby gear tonight...gulp.
(btw: i finally talked to carlos and it seems his "affair" with gregory has been going on for months!!!! so much for friendship, huh? i have to admit that carlos literally leaping on gregory and pummellng him was something out of a jason statham movie: ultra cool!)anyway it seems that carlos had told gregory that he (carlos) had broken off with his gf and of course, since she sleeps over our pad almost every night...this is not true...hence the dramatic bar fight last weekend.
listened to:
rise-eric kupper remix (samantha james), be still (kenna), closer than close (rosie gaines), bounce and flow (poussez), steppin' out (kaskade)---my favorite song right now.............

sunday is not a day of rest....

2008-03-30T18:32:00.000-07:00

saturday night, the bois (carlos, henry, joe, matty and ray) went out to q's to see if we could cause a little trouble.
q's is not a gay bar per se but a number of gay guys go there because of the dearth of gay clubs in santa barbara.
anyway a good time was had by all until HE walked in. and no for once i do not mean bob-o-licious but carlos' current (i guess i could call him boy friend as HE gave carlos a blow job not too long ago...carlos' first by a man...supposedly). anyway: what's with the HE, huh? his name is gregory (never greg according to him).
so this is how it goes: the bois are in a group, doing shots, drinking brew and dancing when all of a sudden an arm, a blow really...grazes my cheek on its way to carlos' jaw. remember that both carlos and gregory play ice hockey and therefore are not only used to fighting as a way of life but are damned strong.
anyway, the blow plows carlos on the mouth out of which spurts a river of blood all over me and matty and propels (i mean literally propels) carlos across the floor onto the much larger gregory and they both go at it before we all get bumped from the club at 1 am.
i attend to carlos' bloody mouth, the other bros escort gregory away who resists all methods to do so. on top of all of this is that he is as noisy and cussing aloud as carlos is subdued and quiet.
what occurs to me? you got it! what the fuck is/has been going on between these two?
so i get stuck with carlos, the quiet one who tells me nothing saying: i'll tell you later. i mean was the one blow job so wonderful for both that they fell in love immediately? did carlos forget to tell gregory that he has a girfriend? is gregory pregnant somehow impregnating himself with the cum that came out of carlos' cock that supposed one time?
it's almost 7 pm here and carlos is still locked up in his bedroom so i have no more news of last night than that.
btw: the bois report that gregory, after he calmed down a bit and they could let go of him, just kept repeating: that fucking carlos...over and over. so the mystery is unsolved as of this minute.
as for me: today i studied all day, did laundry, prepared myself for the week, the middle of which i will spend in las vegas attending a pizza expo with a good friend who owns a bunch of pizza joints here in sb. i unfortunately love to play roulette and plan very much to do so.
now it's time to lay on the sofa, watch john adams, the tudors, big brother and eat as few carbs as i can in order to began my work out routine once again tomorrow which begins with training with the swim team and dealing with the hateful sow swimming coach.
peace,
tyler
listened to lots of music today:
new erykah badu, new hot chip, soundtrack to coppola's dracula, prokoviev piano concerto (argerich), missing persons, andy caldwell, poussez, yaz (who are coming to los angeles soon...first time in 25 years read the ads),roberta flack, ella, sarah, judy, frank, sopranos music, seal,mylene farmer, zazie, i puritani (sutherland, duval)...

Kimberly Peirce's "Stop Loss"

2008-03-29T18:13:00.000-07:00

so far this weekend has been a movie-going one. today carlos and i went to see "stop loss" a film by the same director of the stupendous, "boy's don't cry."

Director Kimberly Peirce's last film was the revolutionary, emotionally-charged and truthful "Boy's Don't Cry" with the galvanizing performance of Hilary Swank. That was over 8 years ago and now she has returned with the Iraq War drama, `Stop-Loss" starring a coterie of edgy, hot young actors.
Oddly enough, I think that almost all of the Iraq War based dramas like the recent "Rendition" have been failures at the box office which leads me to wonder, why?
Perhaps, since it is literally happening now, it is too current: the wounds are opening daily with no healing in sight. At the very least, We as Americans are conflicted about our involvement in Iraq.
Peirce has chosen to use the Iraq War as a background onto which she bases her drama with Universal themes of: Where do I fit in? Where do I belong? Do I belong?
Working here with co-writer Mark Richard, Peirce has found a subject in the way the war in Iraq is tearing apart many of its soldiers, in combat and when they return home. This is a wrenching story of men at arms who cannot find peace outside the military circle, who return to civilian life on the horrific edge of violence and despair. This point of view is of course not new, going back at least as far as William Wyler's "The Best Year's of Our Lives" and Michael Cimino's "The Deer Hunter." War is Hell: this we all know and can empathize with but the aftermath, the coming home, the re-adjusting to Life after War is worse.
Several actors shine here: primarily the Brandon King of Ryan Phillipe (whose stop-loss forced re-enlistment forms the backbone of this film) and the Michele of Abbie Cornish who basically steals the film from under all her hot shot male cast members with her persuasive, thoughtful and totally believable performance.
There are several scenes in "Stop Loss" which approach and sometimes go over the edge into hokiness but overall, this film has a real emotional life: these are characters who emote from a real place, a place that it is obvious that Peirce believes in, invests in and ultimately it is the saving grace of this flawed, yet sock-in-the-gut experience film.
tonight being satuday night it's gay night at a couple of sb clubs: so this guy will be club hopping with the boys tonight.
peace,
tyler

hors de prix (priceless)

2008-03-28T17:25:00.000-07:00

"hors de prix" opened today and i drug my friend gloria with me to see it.
Hors de Prix (Priceless) stars audrey tatou ("amelie," l'auberge espagnole," "dirty pretty things")as a woman who exists and subsists on the kindness of rich old men but only for a short time: before she gets bored, before he dies, before she realizes that there is another bigger score afoot. tatou plays irene (she is painfully thin in a play i think to replicate the mesmerizing, luminous audrey hepburn of "breakfast at tiffany's") and to add some friction to the mix, director pierre salvadori manipulates a meeting between irene and jean ( gad elmaleh) a poor guy who irene mistakes for her next victim but who meets a rich woman who absurdly wants jean to be her paid escort. Irene takes on the job of transforming jean into a proper french gigolo.
what is refreshing about this film is that director salvadori and his writer are not conflcted in the least about irene and what she does: there is no judgement about these kinds of things in french films. irene's actions are deliberate and goal oriented. irene is a prostitute (a high class one, yes but a prostitute nonetheless), a gold digger, a woman who lives off the kindness of old men who crave her company and her affection.
gold digging as an elevated, something to be strived for activity/way of life: the interplay between jean and irene is witty, fun and thoughtful as irene teaches jean the ropes. the idea that we americans are going to re-make this film sends shudders up my spine. quelle dommage!
bulletin: very handsome man (mid 30's) asked me today outside one of the downtown santa barbara starbucks: are you a rent boy? (actually americans don't use that term (he actually sounded like a south african)so what he really said was...how much?)and because he was so hot i almost said yes, i cost 1000 dollars a session...but i didn't...i just smiled. if you're reading this: meet me after my morning run up garden street up to the mission about 9 am tomorrow, ok? what occurs to me is: what is there about me that prompted him to ask this? i was drenched with sweat, bare chested, wearing perfectly covered up shorts, socks, running shoes (in other words just like 1000's of other so/cal dudes)...waiting in line for a soy capp...what would make him ask me that? he was in business drag: white shirt, tie, beautiful wool gaberdine slacks, nice leather lace ups....UPDATE: YOU KNOW WHAT? I BET THE SOUTH AFRICAN DUDE WAS JUST TRYING TO GET TO MEET ME THOUGH HIS APPROACH WAS KIND OF UNORTHODOX...SO THIS IS PROBABLY A CASE OF MY TAKING MYSELF TOO SERIOUSLY WHICH I THINK IS A NOT ALWAYS GOOD SIDELIGHT TO MY STUDIES...SO SOUTH AFRICA DUDE: IF YOU READ THIS YOU KNOW WHERE I RUN ALMOST EVERY AM...

friday music included: seal's "system," aretha's "sparkle," minus the bear, jill scott, stevie wonder, mary j, ascension (don't ever wonder) maxwell...

the weather has been great here: mid 70's, intense sun, shorts and bare chested weather......

miscellany

2008-03-26T18:08:00.000-07:00

so my room mate carlos and i decide to skip our last class today and head out to q's to play some pool, drink beer and flirt with the surfer boys who always seem to be in attendance anytime of the day or night. they are fun, aware that we want them and have loads of fun flirting with us and grabbing their crotches and generally acting a fool. we like them and they us.
the manager, jacque' is an old grade school chum of mine and therefore, being poor ass students that we are, she gives us food and drink for free and we entertain her with brilliant convo and attempts to dance to the 80's new wave music that is always on the soundsystem.
pretty much everything is status quo there until bob-o-licious walks in with a friend, walks up to me and plants a soul kiss on me...yeah right...then i wake up, right?
actually he smiles, waves, picks up a pool cue and plays pool with his friend. what is extremely cool is that he is wearing shorts (not the dreaded huge pocket on the leg ones) that can be best described as tennis togs and a ralph lauren powder blue polo, brown leather havana joe flips and a killer smile made even more killer by the fact that he is obviously a bit fucked up on beer or tequila or both. there is actually nothing sexier than a cute man liquor'd up a bit, right?
anyway, nothing untoward happens between us unfortunately, except once again i am in a position to see his weiner...this time as he stands next to me at the urinal talking about his grad seminar that day and how he misses, not my being, or body or phosphorescent hazel eyes but my seminar contributions. it takes every atom of my being NOT to reach over and grab his scrotum and fondle the head of his penis but of course i don't. i love this guy and would have let him impregnate me right there in the q's men's room with carlos and the surfer dudes waiting for me to come back and play pool with them. oh well.

why is it that most guys can't understand that they must buy a size smaller in flips than they normally wear in shoes? my friends and i call the empty area to the rear of the flips not covered with the foot as the back flap. i hate this. some guys even buy flips two sizes too big and have enough back flap to qualify as a skateboard.

"memory of a killer" anyone seen this terrific film from the netherlands about a hit man in the first stages of alzheimers? though the lead, jan decleir is about 70 he is still manly and sexy but so are all the guys in this film: maybe it's the strange cadence of the dutch language or maybe it's because most dutch men are uncircumsized. i particularly like the scene when the hit man wakes up in bed after fucking a sexy short haired platinum blond prostitute, looks around and forgets who she is and what he has just done to her: scary and real.
so: you're a hit man, been one most of your adult life but on your way to the hit your forget who you're supposed to kill or your brain starts mis-firing and you end up in a movie revival house watching "auntie mame" with a theater full of rosalind russell fans...i.e. gay men. check this one out asap.

as you all know part of my sports psych thing is to work out like a fiend as in work out with the swim team, track team, swimming team and not being adept at any of those sports i generally pull down the average and am generally despised by most of the serious practitioners of these sports. but today i swam the 800 meter freestyle and came in 8th out of 10: whoo-hooo which surprised me as much as it did the fat, ugly, anti-gay swim coach pig, so there!

music: i listened to erykah badu's new cd today almost non-stop and i can almost say that i hate it. but maybe if i listen to it enough, i will change my mind.
i am still addicted to the newish kenna and the newish seal and i'm in love with heidi klum.
peace,
tyler

Redemption through Armani

2008-03-25T19:22:00.000-07:00

i caught "american gigolo" again today having not seen it for 10 years which translates to: i was more interested in seeing richard gere's cock than anything else at 13 but now i wanted to view how the thing was put together and why it is now considered a mini-classic.

now, this doesn't mean that i wasn't interested in seeing the weiner once again but now, at the ripe old age of 23, i was also interested in much more: the european look and feel of the film as in how it was achieved by director paul schrader and production designer("visual consultant") ferdinando scarfiotti.

julian (gere) is a high class call boy who services rich women and evidently at some point in his career, though he now says he doesn't do them anymore...men. julian dresses impeccably and almost exclusively in giorgio armani and though this film was made in the mid 1970's, his clothes are timeless, elegant and just plain groovy.

as for gere himself: he is a stone cold fox...sexy, charming, ironic and intelligent as julian.

though much of american gigolo is pretty vapid as it deals and revels in the surface of things...never going too deep into it's characters or situations, it still has a real visceral impact: somehow schrader manages to fashion, through the careful piling on of details (seeing westwood circa 1975 is a trip in itself) much like one would build a house of cards, a meaningful, thoughtful movie not limited to the impact of seeing gere's penis or watching him ply his wares.

american gigolo is definitely a case of something that is much more than meets the eye.

peace,

tyler

tuesday's listens include:

growing pains (mary j.), system (seal), forever changes (love), give me the night (xavier), steppin' out (kaskade)...some jill scott, some vintage roberta flack and luther vandross...

american idol: two monumentally great songs, one by sting and the other by luther vandross (via brenda russell) were demolished by dread locks boy and chicheze

jon hamm

2008-03-24T18:13:00.000-07:00

i just watched a re-run of the bill maher show and one of his estimable panel guests was jon hamm, the handsome dude on this page.
hamm is in a series on the amc channel called "mad men" a play on the phrase ad men as in advertising men. the series is set in the 50's world of advertising yet is rife with new milennium feelings of sexual abandon fueled by free flowing booze and broads.
there are scenes of two women coming onto each other, scenes of don (jon hamm) and his colleagues having three ways: 2 men and one woman and often i tent just watching hamm listening intently to his fellow workers as he is doing in the scene to the left.
hamm has a perfect head, a beautiful forehead and twinkling blue eyes. since this series is set in the 50's his clothes are primo suits of sharkskin, ultra white shirts and skinny ties of silk. oddly enough his look is very much the look of now: that is 2008. in his bio for the show it says he lives with his girlfriend and his cat.
i am of course in love with him now particularly since, among the ultra liberals and super intellegentsia who were also on the panel of the bill maher show, he merely smiled a lot and looked devastatingly handsome. his hair was also loose and natural and i wanted very much to taste his penis and suck his toes.
for the moment or maybe even for the week, month or year...he is my new man. i want him and i want him to want me.
peace,
tyler
today, it was back to school, back to my workout schedule...so i had very little time to listen to music, but i did manage to catch the following:
bounce and flow (poussez), the new erykah badu, steppin' out (kaskade), grand canyon-ada remix (tracey thorn), la pluie et les beau temps (zazie)...

Blood and Guts

2008-03-23T19:29:00.000-07:00

CHICAGO — Six Iraq war protesters disrupted an Easter Mass on Sunday, shouting and squirting fake blood on themselves and parishioners in a packed auditorium.
Three men and three women startled the crowd during Cardinal Francis George's homily, yelling “Even the Pope calls for peace” as they were removed from the Mass by security guards and ushers.
One Mass attendee, Mike Wainscott of Chicago, yelled at the anti-war protesters.
“Are you happy with yourselves?” he said. “There were kids in there. You scared little kids with your selfish act. Are you happy now?”
The group, which calls itself Catholic Schoolgirls Against the War, said in a statement after the arrests that they targeted the Holy Name Cathedral on Easter to reach a large audience, including Chicago's most prominent Catholic citizens and the press, which usually covers the services.

so i saw this reported on tv just now and to say that i am conflicted about this group's actions is an understatement.
i agree with what the catholic girls against the war stands for and i certainly agree that those that were in attendance at this easter mass had the right to celebrate the ascension of christ into heaven w/o a demonstration. BUT: what is more important: reverence for a man (in this case THE man) who if he were here on earth would more than likely support some hell raising over the pomp and circumstance of a mass in his honor? i'm betting that christ, the ultimate revolutionary is smiling right now thinking about this demo in chicago.
btw, though i certainly have re-affirmed my catholic beliefs of late and gone back to attending services and praying on a regular basis (as i said in a post yesterday, prayer calms me, makes me humble, forces me to examine my life...which is a good thing), i have not decided to enter the priesthood or anything like that. i've just become more spiritual yet i'm still firmly rooted in the worldly.
easter weekend with my uncle was as usual, primo: great convo, great food, great liquor: all of it seasoned with the kind, sweet manner of uncle michael and his huge heart.
peace,
tyler
today, i listened to:
save it for later (the english beat), shame (m2w), closer than close (rosie gaines), rise (samantha jones), love ressurection (alison moyet), my piano (hot chip), gypsy woman (crystal waters), i puritani (sutherland and duval)...

Easter at the Uncs

2008-03-22T16:28:00.000-07:00

So: holidays are/have always been a big deal at my uncle michael's and now that he has a regular man (not bad looking but nice, great ass and a huge penis...name is greg), michael is even more attuned to the the niceties of celebrating a holiday: easter is sunday so carlos (my supposedly str8 roomie) head off for los angeles and michael's and untold goodies of the sugar kind.
michael is a great cook and it was from him that i inherited a love of food and of cooking. michael requested that i bring just one thing for him: as he calls them....my famous brownies. a brownie recipe i learned from a man i tricked with when i was 16 and he was 30 maybe? anyway he was a baker, slept days and lived next door to my family in a house he shared with his mother: hmmmm....
anyway the baker-man showed me how to make these brownies and people have been known to beg, plead, offer sex for one. but for the uncs: no strings attached he can get/have as many as his sweet heart desires.
so carlos and i arrive in la around noon and the uncs is waiting with open arms and chocolate bunnies...solid bittersweet chocolate bunnies no less. so we open a bottle of cuvee mumm's and proceed to eat chocolate and drink champagne.

tonight: we all are going out to Geisha for dinner and afterwards to a dance bar. i will not promise to be good.
peace,
tyler

easter saturday listening includes:
close the door (teddy pendergrass), daylight (kenna), soul shelter (sander kleinenberg), always (lisa shaw), don't look back (telepopmusik), situation-richard x remix (yaz), verdi requiem (price, von karajan).............

Good Friday: "A Prince in a Purple Shawl"

2008-03-21T20:59:00.000-07:00

no, not that Prince but...

JESUS CHRIST!

yeah i know it is fashionable to deny him and his existence but i choose to believe that he is real and that he indeed died to expiate us of our collective sins.

i also believe that he had a lot to do with the creation of chocolate: chocolate bunnies (for timmy), chocolate eggs filled with caramel, godiva chocolate gift boxes with nuts and chews.

i went to mass this morning and as usual a particular kind of peace and calm came over me. i was in church, on my knees, praying, begging for forgiveness for my transgressions, participating in a lovefest: a lovefest aimed at God and his son Jesus.
prayer is so strange in the year 2008 yet so wonderful and fulfilling that i seem to be the only one in my group who ascribes to its virtues. so be it. all my pagan friends can deny the existence of god. i choose not to. i choose to embrace him, to ascribe to his teachings and to fucking love him and all for which he stands. so sue me: i'm a believer.
so easter is a couple of days away but today, holy friday is for me the most sacred of days: the day that Christ died for our sins. i didn't eat meat today: i was a vegetarian for a day. it's the least i could do for a man who painfully hung on a cross for hours to remind us that there is such a thing as Love and Forgiveness and that there is someone willing to die for it. and isn't that at least enough to warrant our attention?
Peace,
tyler
good friday listening: what else but Verdi's or Mozart's Requiem or at least the cure's disentergration?

yes, bob-o-licious is still tormenting me...

2008-03-20T18:31:00.000-07:00

though this term i do not have a class lead by my future husband and father of my future children, bob, i try on a daily basis to go by his office, generally with as little clothing as possible...just in case it turns him on, turns his head, makes him weep or hell makes him smile at least. this is in itself a difficult task in that his office is over a mile away from anything (gym, running track, swimming pool) that can be considered sporty so i'm guessing (actually i know) he has figured out what i am doing and why i am doing it. for christmas i gave him a cool black zipper cardigan with a gray stand up collar sweater from the john varvatos shop and i have yet to see him wear it in public. what he does with it is to display it on a quilted pink woman's/joan crawford no wire hangers hanger in his office for all to see. two things occur to me: where did this very basic, khaki trouser, faded grungy plaid shirt wearing hot, sexy as fuck man get a pink padded hanger and secondly why does he have the perfect sweater for him hanging on the wall of his office as if it were a fucking matisse painting?
my thinking here is that he pulls his pants down at least 3 times a day and jerk offs while he views the sweater winking at him with it's primo cashmere self. (btw...i had to practically beg him to accept such a gift from me as it is a way too expensive a present to accept from a friend much less a moonstruck former student...as in me. but he finally did but admits he has only put it on once and that once was when i made him try it on for me: a time that has been firmly and irrevocably recorded on my memory bank as he looked so handsome i thought i might faint...seriously...faint away like a melodrama heroine with the vapors.
i guess at some point here i need to move on and out but right now i don't feel like it. and: what do i do with the bottega venneta wallet i bought for him in italy in december?(that is besides holding it my hand when i jerk off thinking about it in his ass pocket...)
this summer i have my choice of returning to nyc and columbia, going to paris and the cordon bleu and continuing my cooking education, staying here in sb and coaching a soccer team or blowing off school, etc. for the summer and becoming a beach bum. the dedicated student in me says: go to nyc and learn! the party animal in me says: stay home and fuck off. my personal goal is to be a practicing, licensed clinical psychologist in 2010 so i guess it is nyc for me this summer.
carlos (my roomie) who is still straight but wavering...he actually "allowed" a really cute freshman and fellow hockey player friend of his go down on him. my only question to him was if the dude swallowed and carlos smiled and said nothing else. i hate the strong silent type.
peace,
tyler
i am listening to:
bounce and flow (poussez), never again -remix (kelly clarkson...i wish she had let me write the lyrics to this song because if she had the hate and jealousy would have been hyped up X 10),
sing-moto blanco club remix (annie lennox), could this be the magic (donna summer), sun red sky blue (kenna)...

i'm back, i'm strong, i'm wary...

2008-03-19T21:48:00.000-07:00

thanks to those of you that e-mailed me and asked me to come back and share my life with you.
so much shit was spewed from those i thought were my friends which instead of making me strong ...made me weak and this proved to be a revelation to me in that i thought i were a stronger, more self assured person. but like "they" say: you take the lemons and you make lemonade, right?
i am back now, re-energized, studying, fucking, cooking, eating, drinking, enjoying my life.
anything you read about me after i left was mostly false.
what wasn't wrong was that i was and i am a committed young person with a full life of school, loving friends and family. no regular man as yet but then again bob and i are more than just student/teacher friends. we have actually had a meal or three together and.....and nothing as of yet but i'm a firm believer in hope. so who knows?
enough of this: tomorrow i will fill you all in on the bob, my short stint in europe and my progress in school and the latest american idol.
peace,
tyler
songs on my ipod i can't stop listening to:
steppin' out (kaskade), pogo (digitalism), lovelee Dae (Blaze), close the door (teddy pendergrass), daylight (kenna), let me know-joey negro remix (roisin murphy).......................