it's over...for now

i guess it was bound to happen: certainly if you listened to my friends who would almost daily tell me how wrong/disjointed/crazy/ silly, unfathomable it is/was/ will always be.
i love and trust my friends but when you really love someone and by that i mean: REALLY love from the deepest and darkest regions of your heart and soul love...no one can tell you anything. they all tried to set me on the course that they would walk if they were in the same position that i found myself.
and i found myself about a year ago faced with the man of my dreams: youngish, handsome, vulnerable, physically and mentally strong/ what's not to love, heh?
there was no big bang, no big explosion, no huge argument. we parted as friends a week ago and we will remain friends.
the age difference was too much to overcome maybe. maybe he misses women. but he loves me: this much i know. this much he has told me. but something is missing and neither of us can pinpoint it: which may very well be the problem.
this morning was the first sunday morning in a long time that he wasn't here with me, stumbling out of our bed, hair askew scrounging for coffee and food. i missed that and i missed him.
but hey: he will also miss me. of this i am sure. this is about all that i will say about this. i am going to be really corny here and quote a phrase from one of my favorite, if not my very favorite poem:
WHEN your face
appeared over my crumpled life
at first I understood
only the poverty of what I have.
Then its particular light
on woods, on rivers, on the sea,
became my beginning in the coloured world
in which I had not yet had my begninning.
I am so frightened, I am so frightened,
of the unexpected sunrise finishing,
of revelations
and tears and the excitement finishing.
I don't fight it, my love is this fear,
I nourish it who can nourish nothing,
love's slipshod watchman.
Fear hems me in.
I am conscious that these minutes are short
and that the colours in my eyes will vanish
when your face sets.

peace,
tyler

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!

here's hoping you have someone warm or even cold next to you tonight: my 5 readers.
thanks for the support all year.
chet or chaka: couldn't decide...so you get both
peace,
tyler

"mary, can you hear me?"

this is my first blog in a while and in the time between january first and today my life has been frantic with school, friends, working (yes i do actually pick up a few chef gigs now and then)and loving. my love life is going well: a few bumps but overall we are doing fine.
the uncs had some health problems and i had to rush back and forth from santa barbara to los angeles to care for him. as i have said a number of times: he is/has been/ will always be number one in my life. in fact, i owe my life to him.
i haven't spoken much of my studies but day by day, month by month, year by year...IT all becomes clearer and clearer to me: this is what i was meant to do with my life. i have always had a 6th sense about other people's feelings and thoughts. i was always the person my friends and family came to for advice. my course study is back bending, my resolve to not make it get to me resolute and fierce. i want this. i will get this.
the interning portion of my studies is mind blowing. i get to see first hand how my studies can turn into real help to others. does that make sense? am i being as eloquent as i want to be about a profession that i have spent my whole life striving for?
i hope so because it has been not only a life long dream but a life long goal: this is IT. this is what i want to do with the rest of my life.
music-wise, i have discovered, along with thousands of others on youtube, matthew luke sandoval who i am showcasing here. love this guy. he's got over 50 vids on youtube ranging from the classics to his own compositions. listen to him.
peace,
tyler

laura nyro

today i watched a music/interview show hosted by elvis costello. today's guest musician was elton john. now the reason this is of any importance to me and therefore to all of you is that elton john is a rabid laura nyro fan. according to elton...since the late 1960's when nyro began her career as a professional.
so why is all of this so personal to me? well, for at least 2 reasons:
1. moms played nyro all the time and though i was very young, i still remember the songs. she probably played nyro when she was pregnant with me so therefore i was aware of nyro before my actual birth.
2. because my uncle is moms brother, he too was/is a laura nyro fan and since he raised me once the 'rents were gone, i continued to be immersed in nyro's music until now i am a big fan of hers.
so sir elton went on about nyro for about 15 minutes, playing snippets of her music, rhapsodizing about how important she was to many current musicians and generally being a fan. i love him for this. elton is a music fan as well as a musician and has no problem talking up someone other than himself.
nyro is not for everyone obviously and her musical output stopped in 1997 when she died of ovarian cancer: so her career spanned a mere 10 years.
ahhh, but what music! personal, dramatic, complex, musically mature and complicated but always accessible if you are open to it. she was never a star though much of her work was recorded and made into hits by others.
laura is a family thing to me as in she is like a part of my family and when i listen to her i can't help but think of my beautiful moms: her hair falling in her face washing dishes or doing laundry or some such household chore (i really can't be sure as i was very very young)or sitting on this big green chair, singing the lyrics to herself, reading, thinking, being.
the vid above is a recording of laura doing a very old song accompanied by patty labelle: a very simple, direct song...in many ways like her own work and in many ways not like her own work. you tube has a decent array of her stuff. check it out.
peace,
tyler

new years eve: the loneliest night of the year?

well, it looks like my european trip is off this year due to an unforseen personal situation.
bob is bummed. i am bummed also but we will make the best of it here in santa barbara. in many ways it will be a relief to just kick back and relax for a month and eat, fuck, drink, work out, run on the beach and generally stay close to home and close to my uncle michael in los angeles: which is a short hop away from me. without revelaing too much, the uncs comes first above all others and he needs me now.
i have seen a number of movies: milk (very good), doubt (empty headed), benjamin button (very close to perfect)and revolutionary road (riveting).
bob and i will spend new years eve in los angeles: we will make a big party, i will cook...it will be a blast. the sb bros will meet the la bros and i will referee the ensuing confrontation.....more on that later.
peace,
tyler
12/31/08

misc stuff in no particular order

the vampires left before i could say goodbye the day after the great dinner we had at downey's. there were reports of rat, dog and cat bones littered all over state street the next day in the sb newspaper.

christmas is coming sooner than later. i don't know about you but i feel enervated about the whole thing. i can't seem to dredge up much enthusiasm. the best thing is that i will be spending some time in los angeles with the uncs.
i did have a tree-trimming party here in sb in the dorm and that was fun but something was missing, christmas spirit-wise, ya know?
the guests were great, the food was slammin' and the tequila and wine were primo....but. bob was in a good mood and actually made an effort to get to know the bros. he also got drunk. but drunk in a good way: touchy, kissy, feely, vulnerable, defenses down, happy.
he was a hit with my friends both male and female. btw: there were 2 of his actual current students attending and he didn't outwardly flinch though i could sense a little trepidation. he soon got over that.



i am a great fan of jason statham (seen here) and i recently saw his "transporter3" which was a whole lot of fun. i read an article in which the director/writer of all three transporters wrote that he had created this character as a gay man. if that is true though, why does statham always have a scene in each film fucking a woman? nevertheless, run to see transporter3...it is a hoot. i firmly believe that they should have picked statham as the new james bond but maybe his screen personna is too ironic, too macho, too sexy, too edgey for bond. another statham movie that rocks is "crank," which is an updating of the 50'ish film noir, "d.o.a." and funny as hell.

---the bitter pill: de la hoya vs pacquiao---
obviously, at least to those who know me, the oscar de la hoya fight of last saturday night was a major downer for me: he lost. no, more to the point, he was hammered and taken apart by manny pacquiao. it was the first time that a de la hoya fight had to be stopped: stopped because de la hoya's handlers threw in the towel that is. i honestly don't remember if the white towel was actually thrown in the ring as by this time, i was not only pissed off but pissed...as in, if not drunk, well on my way there...as were my bros, also de la hoya fans. there are many social and moral reasons why de la hoya is a hero to me, some are: he is a los angeleno, his family is from mexico (as my pops parents were), he has done a lot for the poor of east los angeles and is basically a cool, moral,socially conscious and humble man.
he should not have taken this fight. it was a mistake. he should have retired without staining his professional rep with this travesty of a bout. i'm sad. my bros are sad. i am bracing myself now because hbo is re-broadcasting the fight right now and i am totally sober. will i be able to watch it again?

peace,
tyler

the vampires have risen....

so i'm sure you all remember the vampires from my stay in nyc this last summer and from my close encounter with a particular one on july 4th in central park. if you remember i was about to fuck him when something told me: don't do it!
for once, i didn't and i came to learn that he (edgar) was part of a group of vampires who also attended columbia with me though they were all under grads and all english majors. more importantly, they were all devastatingly handsome.
if you also remember, they followed me around the university watching my every move which was on the one hand sexy but on the other...creepy.
edgar also called me here in sb asking if i would mind a visit but hey i ain't no fool: iknow that if you invite a vampire into your home that he can do anything that a guest can do. so i demurred.
so what happened? the whole bunch came a callin' to me at ucsb en masse...all 6 of them. and fuck did they make a commotion or what? they are deathly white, beautiful, well dressed, un naturally muscled and unmistakingly and devastatingly sexy.
they strode into one of my classes mentored by a prof who takes everything in stride: welcome he said. you are all welcome to come in and listen and participate if you feel so inclined.
so, i coninued to participate in class and when it was over what to do, i thought.
ok: i'll take then to downey's for dinner: i mean what else, right. i take a pack of vampires to the finest restaurant in santa barbara, right?
vampires do not eat but they sure drink red wine and eat desserts...many desserts.
i found them a room at the spanish garden inn and bid farewell thinking i had done my duty as a host. but no. they were at my doorstep at 6 am in the morning when i awoke groggy from the night before but looking forward to my workout and my final classes of 2008. so off we all went to the ucsb gym.
end of part I.
peace,
tyler