Friday, May 1, 2009

it's been a long time since i have written down my thoughts in this blog. it's about time, innit?
the breakup with bob lingered and festered and made me physically sick. yet, i was never more committed to my studies as i have been the last few months. strange, huh?
i guess anything to avoid the reality of the man that i loved left me. the man that i thought that I would spend the rest of my life with didn't want me anymore. the man with whom i planned to have children left because "something was missing."
we loved each other: all the fibers of my being tell me that this was true...on both our parts.
i see bob daily as he is a professor here at ucsb. when i see him i want to run away. and many times i did. i couldn't bare to see him, to look into his beautiful face, to hear the beautiful tone of his voice, to notice how well he looked.
but now some months later, i am better. i can and do deal.
the pain is lessening. i can talk to him now without too much trouble.
my friends have been a big help and so has the uncs though he has had his own, more physical problem with which to deal.
i am surviving because of the love that surrounds me. i may not be loved by that special person but i am enveloped in the love of friends and family.
i will move on. i HAVE moved on.
i often wonder what i would do, what would i feel if i saw bob with another guy or even a woman and i know that i would feel as if a stake had been driven through my already swollen and hurting heart. but maybe not.
i thank god on a daily basis that i have my studies to keep me busy. my internship with a local sports psychologist helps me put my life into perspective...believe me. i hear stories of real pain and anguish on a daily basis and i think: you fucking fool and YOU think that you have problems??
i have started, as this is part of my studies, to counsel athletes on any number of problems psychological in nature, that can affect performance.
i have even had a couple of dates and fucked a couple of dudes: signs that lead me to believe that i am really moving on. a couple of months ago i closed up emotionally and physically: i did not jerk off for weeks. i turned off all emotions except those that i felt for the uncs and for my friends. i turned down dates. the thought of spending time with a man made me physically ill.
the fact that i am even writing here is a good sign: of this i am sure.
music also helps and there is so much of it around me lately. minnie ripperton once again is helping me to survive: laura nyro also. nyro...the music of my Moms. the music she played while she cleaned the house when i was so so young.
i look at my uncs and i can see my mother there inside him. (he is her brother)
he looks at me with concern and love when i smile at him and say: i see you there, i know that you are watching over me. i guess he thinks that i am speaking to him and i leave it at that. why would i want to hurt the one man in my life on whom i can really count?
so 3 readers: i am here. i am good as i can be. i will survive. school has never been better and i look forward to my last school in nyc this summer: vampires i'm coming back!
thank you to the few of you who have kept in touch via my e-mail. you have been of major help to me and i will never forget you for this.


Jérem' said...

I'm so happy to read you here again!
and so am i to know that you're getting better. Take care cutie^^

tyler said...

thanks. i am happy to be back but it looks like my other 2 readers have deserted me.
it is good to hear from you.
vous êtes un gentil homme, merci pour votre appui.
paix, tyler

Tim in Italy said...

No, not deserted. Just wanted to get it right. Because I care about you as much as I do, I wanted it to be something I remembered of my own break-ups, and, you know, dredging takes time. Also, JP and I were having a bit of a rough patch concerning independence and I found myself relating some of my feelings to what I imagined might be yours.

I did have occasion to consider what I would do if JP left me. I would be devastated, of course. But I would survive. As you will. There is, in both of us, I think, an intrinsic stubborn streak that doesn't allow defeat. When an event, even one as shattering as the loss of a love, occurs, lying in the mud and the self loathing, there is that spark that compels us off the floor and out the door, even though we haven't shaved and we might smell a bit.

You loved. You took that chance, knowing full well it could end as it did. And that is the full spectrum of the human condition, and of your spirit, my kind friend. You loved. So many don't. So many hide behind excuses and selfishness and fear. And you will heal. You're already healing. Just remember that the healing, in my experience, and I've had more lovers than you've got teeth, is often shaped like a thunder bolt: one day you dart forward in a dramatic advance, then two days later you suffer a depressing back slide. Don't let it get you down. I think it's suppose to be that way.

And you will love again. Maybe you don't think so now, but you will. And you will take what you have learned from all of this and the next time it will be better.

And finally, have you forgiven him? And have you forgiven yourself? Gentle man.

Much love and affection,


tyler said...

i debated whether to publish your reply or to keep it all to myself. obviously, i decided to share it with others because it shows how kind and considerate a man you are.
i hope you and JP are well again.
thanks for your concern.

tommybond said...

Tyler, I am glad you are recovering, and never doubt the power of denial, it can enhance performance at times and destroy it at others. Just speculation here, but I think that "something missing" Bob describes is an emptiness inside of him that he will carry to any relationship he forms. Some other things you have said about him in the past made me think, possibly cluster B.

Sorry to sound like a judgmental ass, but I suppose my biggest complaint against Bob is that he got involved with a patient. If he were a medical doctor he would have lost his license and job, perhaps forever. It is not at all uncommon for patients to fall for their doctors, but it is never ok for the doctor to reciprocate. The fact that Bob was willing to cross that professional boundary says to me he had some sort of defect even if temporary.

I wonder how you will feel about him once you have had time to heal and reflect?

tyler said...

ahhh tommy:
i cannot and will not place that kind of blame on bob.
i entered this with my eyes wide open and in many ways "forced" him into our relationship.
though older than i, he was in many ways socially innocent.
blame doesn't make any sense when i think about he and i.
i really appreciate your comments but at this point in my life i can only view them as speculative.

WillySmith said...

That sucks.

But at least you're single in time for the spring flings. Everyone here seems to be in heat (I feel like a tomcat in an alleyway). Then again, flings only make you feel more miserable, lonely and empty inside... Better suggestions:

1) Learn a new instrument or take up singing
2) Flirt shamelessly with strangers
3) Buy yourself a sexy pair of underwear or two
4) Chocolate (but not too much, love handles can contribute to self-loathing)
5) Take a weekend trip somewhere fun

Peace out,

tyler said...

well fuck me! the dubya actually almost approaches what i would call empathy! empathy tinged with acid but hey empathy nonetheless...sorta.
let me take a slug of this primo chardonnay here and a bite of these cheap as shit, good as gold trader joe's dark chocolates with almond pieces.
ok, now:
i don't wear underwear but wear a jock when i work out and i did indeed buy some new a leopard print.
i have been to arkansas: does that count as a fun trip?
flirting is my middle name, heh?
anyway: nice to see your words on my blog.

WillySmith said...

Don't get used to it.