Wednesday, July 6, 2011

sonoma, the uncs and a birthday

so the uncs and i have been in sonoma since before the 4th and we have been reaquainting ourselves with each other.
we have been wine tasting, hiking, running, eating everything in sight. i love this man. his name is michael btw and he, as a young stupid 23 years old took the risk after my parents were killed and adopted me as a 10 year old.
now: think of yourself as a 23 year old. who in the fuck would adopt, take responsibilty for a child? a child who was grieving, sullen,angry?
but thinking about it now as an adult, i know why he did. he is my mother's brother and he wanted no one else raising me.
i know this was not easy for him. he had to give up privacy, he had to give up his life for me least for awhile. i became the center of his life. his reason for living...and he became the center of mine. i owe my life to him. he saved me. he is the constant. he is barometer. i will care for him and love him all of my days.
i love you uncle michael: happy birthday!

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

taking the virgin to los angeles

goodbye new york. i will be back in september a full blown sports psychologist: licensed and ready to enter phase 3 of my life. ( i await the results of my licensing exams but i am confident about them turning out in my favor)
i am sitting in kennedy airport about to take virgin airlines to los angeles for one last fling as a kid.
this will be a summer of surfing, drinking beer, playing with friends in both LA and santa barbara.
it will also be a summer with my uncle michael. we are planning to go to sonoma, just the two of us, next weekend for a few days of drinking wine, eating great food and dedicating our time to being best friends again. my uncle is the closest person to me in the world. he has always been there for me. and now i will be able to spend some personal time with him. i look so forward to this.
so: goodbye new york, if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere. i WILL be back.
what better song to end this piece than this? corny, i know but appropriate.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

guys that i would like to fuck if i could, part 2

part 1 was almost three years ago so i figured it was time to update the list. this time i have decided to include dudes that i have actually fucked. so in those cases the title would be: guys that i have fucked that i would like to fuck again.
it is doubtful and in reality impossible to have any of these guys once much less twice for a number of reasons too numerous to go into to here.
ok. so this sean. we met at a soho bar. it was 3 years ago and we only fucked once but obviously i still think about him. here is the story: 2 am. we have glanced at each other off and on the whole night. at last call i walked past him. he pulled my arm and said: come home with me. i went. we fucked. it was amazing. end of story. i want him again. how do i have his photo? i stole it from his bedroom. do i regret it? the stealing no, the not having him again yes.
sean and i will get married in a biker bar in newark and sean's brother earl would officiate. we would honeymoon in niagara falls and conceive our first child there. we would eventually have 5 kids and sean will stay married to me for 40 years. we will have a simple life together: gardening for our food, become vegans and letting all of our body hair grow in. we would be natural guys. sean would eventually die of consumption from breathing gasoline fumes while fixing the cars of the neighborhood teenagers who would pay him with blunts. i will mourn for him until i die at 90: poor, bone thin yet happy with thoughts of joining my sean in heaven.
jared is a carryover from 3 years ago and wouldn't you know it? we haven't met yet. but he has in those 3 years grown wings. he is an angel. he comes from heaven, this explains his other worldly body. i love him.
jared and i will live in hawaii hardly ever wearing clothing, we will be pineapple farmers and sell our wares at weekly farmers markets. we won't have much money but we will have many children, smoke a lot of reefer and surf daily.
jared will die at 40 during a horrific typhoon and leave me millions of dollars he hoarded away in our beach lean to under the banana leaf flooring. i would never find out the source of the money but as i get older and unable to get sex for free, i will use this money to buy cute rent boys. jared would approve.

this is oliver: i know an odd name for such a natural, cigar smokin',bourbon guzzling, slightly red neckish dude but his mother was a big fan of the comedy team laurel and hardy (oliver) and so there you have it.
oliver told me that he had to become buff because he had to fight all of his life to defend his mothers right to name him OLIVER.
i almost met oliver a couple of years ago in bentonville, arkansas. and by almost i mean we had a date to meet at a bar via facebook but he never showed up.
oliver and i carried on a webcam "relationship" for a year and to say that he was orgasmic would be denying his full impact. he is a sexy fucking guy.he reeks of sex appeal. and this is not a performance: he is what he is and both men and women flock to him and wait to be chosen. nice work if you can get it, yes?
i never heard from him again after his not showing up. i guess he was married with 8 kids and his wife found out that he was going to meet up with me and that we would w/o a doubt have raunchy, disgusting sex fueled by booze and god knows what else. maybe oliver will see this and contact me. yeah...right!

this is rodrigo santoro. he is beautiful. he is an actor. he kissed nicole kidman in a chanel perfume tv ad. look into his eyes and you will know why i love him and why i want him to have my babies.(btw: when i asked him about kissing nicole he told me that it was like kissing a marble statue...cold and hard)
in fact, rod and i will have many children: 10 at least. 5 boys and 5 girls. rod will leave his career to take care of them. i will see patients in milan while he washes diapers and milk bottles. he will learn to be a primo cook and will prepare home made, natural baby food which he will turn into a huge business in europe.
rod will develop the ability to nurse our children afterall he has the nipples and a huge maternal side. the milk flows naturally from his big brown nips.
several times a week he and i will sneak out to my audi 800 and have sex; the screams waking up the neighborhood, making the dogs bark and waking up our 10 kids. one time a neighbor calls the police because she thinks that i am murdering rod.
we live until our 90's and continue to have sex until the very end. all 10 children grow up to be professionals: doctors, lawyers and indian chiefs. rodrigo leaves me his money and i galavant all through europe bedding every man that money can buy and some that dont charge me. i die during a heated fuck with a distant relative of attila the hun. i literally fuck him to death: mine.

ok so here we have a professional chef, chuck hughes who owns a terrific restaurant in montreal. chuck is a sexy mofo who obviously can show me a good time at the dinner table and in the bed, or kitchen table or out back among the garbage cans. he is not as sleek as rocco di spirito nor homey as mario batali but he can cook and nothing to me is sexier than a man who can cook me some good food.
chuck and i will travel the world looking for new ingredients from which to devise the next big food trend. we will never marry but we will be together for many years. we will decide not to have children because of our serendipitous lifestyle. in our 80's we will settle down in lake como in italy, living next door to george clooney. we will farm, ski and buddy around with george who by this point will be over 100. i will become clooney's caretaker and change his diapers and chuck will make him gourmet baby/adult food. we will have a good life, never regret not having children and devote our lives to each other instead of to children. we will die in a terrible car accident on the autobahn and leave all of our worldly goods to the sisters of mercy.
so there you go. love is often just beyond our reaches though we all indeed reach, claw for it. it's often a fantasy. and it never hurts anyone to fantasize, innit?
nothing better than this to get you into a romantic mood:

Sunday, June 26, 2011

COLOURS and other stuff

(the rest of the above poem goes like this):
fear hems me in. i am conscious that these minutes are short and that the colours in my eyes will vanish when your face sets.

i love this poem by yvegeny yevtushenko. it's called COLOURS.
i have known of this poem for many years as my moms used to read it to me as a baby. i relate it to moms and my losing her. i can also apply it to anyone with whom i have ever been in love. this is the kind of love that goes deeply and as a result deeply wounds when he/it goes away. obviously for me i think of bob though i often wonder what happened to another love-of-my-life, marc.
COLOURS is obviously not just about romantic love but of love in general. it's about the abandon with which we deal with love: both when we are in the midst of it, enjoying and luxuriating in it but also with our inability to hold onto to it. it is fleeting. it doesn't stay long. but there is also in those few words...hope. and it is with this wistful hope that we leave the world and words of COLOURS .
read it. let in sink in. commit it to memory. it will dwell in that special place in your psyche: a place that you will visit time and time again for the rest of your life.

this has been a whirlwind weekend for me. my buddy evan was in nyc with me for most of last week and friday morning we decide to go to LV and to check out the electric daisy carnival. so we went to las vegas and experienced the primo professionalism of first rate Dj's Tiesto, Steve Aoki, Deep South and others. btw: i am making it sound like we attended a seminar on the art of DJ'ing. but no this was a wham bam thank you mam, full out, raunchy, liquor consuming, drug addled rave filled with sexy shirtless men and women high both on life and on X ( i assume): a dancing, trancing, fist pumping good time.
we then jumped on a plane for Los Angeles to have dinner with the Uncs at AGO: one of my favorite LA restaurants.
I am now on my way home via virgin america (hence the internet connection) to spend my last week as a resident in nyc. after that: back to los angeles to await the results of my exams and then back to nyc in september for phase 3 of my real life. i can't wait. 9 years of motha fucking studies, schooling, analysis and on and on. but hey: i survived and perservered, i won the battle.

bob was becoming a faded memory, though one filled with the wistfulness of missed opportunity. but, wouldn't you know it, the old sod called me a few days ago and asked me out for coffee. i did not give him an answer. but facts are facts: he is back with his ex-wife. he has no inclination to leave her again. so what do i get out of this? nothing except to recall all the heartache and pain associated with our relationship and its subsequent break-up. on the other hand since when did that kind of stuff get in the way with my spending time with bob, heh? i'm a fool for love and a fool when it comes to him. believe me i have spoken to my therapist at length about this. there are sometimes things in your life that you must merely survive, get through not bring to conclusion, not solve. and fuck me: this bob shit is definitely one of them for me.
if i could trust myself, trust my emotions enough to stay neutral i would meet him and just fuck the shit out of him. but i trust neither myself nor my emotions around bob so it is better for me to stay away, isn't it?

so, i will be back in southern california soon. my birthplace. my home. i want to see all of my friends and my family. i will surf, go to the beach, play with friends both from santa barbara and los angeles.
when i leave this time it will probably be for good (uncle michael: this does not mean i will never be back in so cal ever, so chill). my life is entering a new phase. i look forward to the future.
this is a very cool remix of deadmau5 faxing berlin:

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

it is within an inch away from my grasp

it has been over a year and a half that i have posted here and a lot has gone on in that time.
first of all, career-wise: i am just finishing up my residency in nyc at columbia. i just got the word last night that if,i pass my exams i will return to nyc a member of a very well thought of sports medicine firm in nyc. whoo-hoooo!
so: what i have been striving for for 9 years is an inch away from my grasp.
spending these last months in nyc has been terrific as usual. you all know how much i love nyc. but i have always been here under the auspices of the university. when i return in september, i will be on my own (though of course you never lose the friends and connections you made in college0: living in nyc like a regular person with a big fat degree and a license from the states of both new york and california hanging on my office wall.
it it sounds like i am bursting with pride and a healthy sense of accomplishment: i am.
i did it.
as far as a personal life: eh! not too much is going on. i met and had a couple dates here but nothing that amounts to boyfriend material. i have a sweet, funny thing going on with a certain dude from colorado: but that is internet and we will see.
more later. i hope all of my 3 fans will see that i am back and will comment. and to you new readers: welcome to my world.

(btw: the dude with the green shirt is michael fassbinder, my new infatuation)

Monday, January 18, 2010

i'm here, i'm in europe with the uncs and...

i am months away from finishing with school and earning my phd. i have been in europe since 1/2/10. i have been to milan, rome, bucharest, prague, paris and will return to italy tomorrow.
christmas and new years: i spent with the uncs and his lover. bob is a faint memory but when i do think of him, my heart winces. i see him every so often on campus and i marvel at how beautiful he is and remember how wonderful our lovemaking was.
it is very late here in bucharest, romania and i half expect to hear/see on local tv that another poor soul has been bitten on the neck and sucked dry of all of his blood.
fanciful and romantic, heh?
i have not found another to love or he hasn't found me....or both. i alternately am in pain but here are some of the things that have lifted my spirits of late:
1. broken embraces: almodovars wonderful movie about finding, losing, regaining and then losing love again and again
2. alicia keys new cd: listen to "i'm ready"
3.dr g. on discovery health lemon tree
5. up in the air: george clooney
and of course family and friends and professors.
sorry about this blog being so disjointed and short. i had not intended to write it. but so be it. i hope that my few readers find it, read it and comment.

Friday, August 7, 2009

ok so it took me 6 weeks to get back to it....

the trip and bbq to new canaan was uneventful this year but nonetheless loads of fun. i love dennis and his moms and pops and they me.
we ate. we drank, we had deep conversations about all sorts of subjects.
these are the kinds of conversations that come from a place of love and respect and therefore we were all as forthcoming as possible. we bleed the truth with no thought of repercussion: either emotional or physical.
we ate, we drank, we got even closer than ever.
so now it is august and i have been here in nyc for almost two months. school is going well and it is a little sad that that this is my last summer in nyc and columbia for this time next year i will have my phD and well into my internship.
7/4/09: what a wild fucking day and night. the vampires are back and one in particular, elliott is on me almost all of the time as you all know elliott is an english under graduate. he is beautiful in a blond, lithe and weird.. not really my type but i can't stop thinking and dreaming about fucking him.
july 4th i went to witness the coney island hot dog eating contest and reveled in the outrageousness of the whole affair. i mean i enjoy a good hot dog once in a while but to eat 68 in 10 minutes or even 10 days makes me want to puke.
the central park concert was a wild affair just as it was last year. people fucking on the lawn, smoking spliff, generally acting a fool. just exactly my scene.
so it is now august 7 and i am loving nyc even more than before. dennis is spending a lot of time with me here in the city and this weekend his moms and pops are coming here and all 4 of us will paint the town blue. more on this later.
i'm listening to this a lot lately: