Sunday, June 26, 2011

COLOURS and other stuff

(the rest of the above poem goes like this):
fear hems me in. i am conscious that these minutes are short and that the colours in my eyes will vanish when your face sets.

i love this poem by yvegeny yevtushenko. it's called COLOURS.
i have known of this poem for many years as my moms used to read it to me as a baby. i relate it to moms and my losing her. i can also apply it to anyone with whom i have ever been in love. this is the kind of love that goes deeply and as a result deeply wounds when he/it goes away. obviously for me i think of bob though i often wonder what happened to another love-of-my-life, marc.
COLOURS is obviously not just about romantic love but of love in general. it's about the abandon with which we deal with love: both when we are in the midst of it, enjoying and luxuriating in it but also with our inability to hold onto to it. it is fleeting. it doesn't stay long. but there is also in those few words...hope. and it is with this wistful hope that we leave the world and words of COLOURS .
read it. let in sink in. commit it to memory. it will dwell in that special place in your psyche: a place that you will visit time and time again for the rest of your life.

this has been a whirlwind weekend for me. my buddy evan was in nyc with me for most of last week and friday morning we decide to go to LV and to check out the electric daisy carnival. so we went to las vegas and experienced the primo professionalism of first rate Dj's Tiesto, Steve Aoki, Deep South and others. btw: i am making it sound like we attended a seminar on the art of DJ'ing. but no this was a wham bam thank you mam, full out, raunchy, liquor consuming, drug addled rave filled with sexy shirtless men and women high both on life and on X ( i assume): a dancing, trancing, fist pumping good time.
we then jumped on a plane for Los Angeles to have dinner with the Uncs at AGO: one of my favorite LA restaurants.
I am now on my way home via virgin america (hence the internet connection) to spend my last week as a resident in nyc. after that: back to los angeles to await the results of my exams and then back to nyc in september for phase 3 of my real life. i can't wait. 9 years of motha fucking studies, schooling, analysis and on and on. but hey: i survived and perservered, i won the battle.

bob was becoming a faded memory, though one filled with the wistfulness of missed opportunity. but, wouldn't you know it, the old sod called me a few days ago and asked me out for coffee. i did not give him an answer. but facts are facts: he is back with his ex-wife. he has no inclination to leave her again. so what do i get out of this? nothing except to recall all the heartache and pain associated with our relationship and its subsequent break-up. on the other hand since when did that kind of stuff get in the way with my spending time with bob, heh? i'm a fool for love and a fool when it comes to him. believe me i have spoken to my therapist at length about this. there are sometimes things in your life that you must merely survive, get through not bring to conclusion, not solve. and fuck me: this bob shit is definitely one of them for me.
if i could trust myself, trust my emotions enough to stay neutral i would meet him and just fuck the shit out of him. but i trust neither myself nor my emotions around bob so it is better for me to stay away, isn't it?

so, i will be back in southern california soon. my birthplace. my home. i want to see all of my friends and my family. i will surf, go to the beach, play with friends both from santa barbara and los angeles.
when i leave this time it will probably be for good (uncle michael: this does not mean i will never be back in so cal ever, so chill). my life is entering a new phase. i look forward to the future.
this is a very cool remix of deadmau5 faxing berlin:


tommybond said...

Glad your doing well, and glad you won't meet with Bob. I get the feeling that Bob explores the world around him at other's expense. He needs to get mixed up with one of those Boarderline fatal attraction lovers who pulls out a steak knife when he trys to leave.

tyler said...

ha! tommy you have always been negative about bob and i can relate. but he is no better no worse than most guys. the problem is this: he cannot decide if he is gay or straight and THIS is my real problem with him.
i will always love him though but it has and will more so in the future, develop into a kind of fondness.
thanks for your thoughts.