Tuesday, September 30, 2008

the MOMS...part II

so then it is day 2 in kirkland: i wake up to the smell of, i swear, home made cinnamon rolls: cinnamon from africa is unmistakable. then there is coffee, melted butter (real butter, not margarine) and i rise out of bed like dracula: straight up and glide to the kitchen (leaving bob in a dead sleep)to greet dorothy in a black bikini with an apron...a sight to behold to be sure.
though i really try to do without carbs in general and usually succeed at such, there are two things that i cannot resist (and though you might answer bittersweet chocolate....you would be wrong as bc has minimal carbs as it is very low in suger)two things carbolicious: fig newtons and cinnamon rolls.
thank god i had enough sense to slip on some pants but would it have really mattered to moms? i doubt it. besides it would have made no diff, there were c rolls to consume and hot java with which to wash them down. yum.
between bites, moms asked me about my family, about school. we chatted and ate and decided that we would go shopping that day to the first ever nordstrom's which is in bellevue a few miles away.
so we both got ready, left a note for bob who was still asleep (i hate that he can sleep so well and so fucking long) and proceeded to shop with moms at the storied nordy's in downtown bellevue.
so the convo between ooohhhhing and ahhhhing at the clothes and shoes:
moms: so you really love my son, huh?
me: yes i do with all my heart.
moms: and you know he feels the same, yes?
me: i feel that that is true, yes.
moms: i want some grandchildren, tyler....
me: yup, and i want children
moms: does bob know this?
me: yes, but he thinks i'm kidding but i am not.
moms: how would you have them?
me: well, though i would love to physically have bob's children, i cannot. so we would hire a surrogate and mix our sperm and see what happens.
moms: i believe you.
me: you believe me because i am serious and i am speaking the truth.
moms: now we must convince bob
me: moms, seriously do not say a thing to him. i will take care of that and we will have at least two children. this i promise.
moms: i believe you.
me: you believe me because i am telling you the truth.
so moms buys herself some beautiful jimmy choos and buys me a pair of white jeans and i could tell that she was happy about me but more importantly overjoyed over the prospect of spoiling the fuck out of my children. this is what grandmothers do i am told and there is not one thing bob nor i can do about it.
we decide to celebrate a bit and go to 8th avenue, find a wine bar in the hyatt and proceed to drink tequila, diet tonics and lime and eat almost everything off their appetizer menu. we have a good time.
it is 5 pm when we return home and find bob lounging on the sofa drinking a brew and eating peanuts.
me: make me pregnant.
bob: here with my mother in the next room?
me. yeah, she won't care.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

THE moms...part I

bob asked me to go with him to seattle, washington this week but did not tell me why until we were on the plane heading for the cool, crisp city of kirkland, home of costco.
me: why kirkland? you know that seattle is very cosmopolitan city, right? we could stay downtown and eat and drink ourselves into a coma.
bob: we can still do that in kirkland but i want you to meet my mother and she lives in kirkland.
me: GULP
bob: you ok? you look pale. my moms is a great cook and baker and she know all about you and me.
me: GULP
bob: say something (bob is often disturbingly calm which makes him good at what he does but also kinda drives me crazy). maybe i should have warned you before, huh?
me: (trying to be cool, calm) well yes. i mean i could have gotten my hair cut, gotten a facial, a pedicure, baked some of my famous brownies. but most of all: i thought your family was in maine?
bob: all but moms is in maine. she is in kirkland and i want you to meet her because i love you and i want her to love you also.
(fuck, i hate when he closes the window to an argument with shit like this. so i melt and say...)
me: ok. i hate when you say things like that.
bob: no you don't. you like me to say things like that.
(there he goes again)
me: hmmmm. how do we get to kirkland?
so, we fly to seattle, rent a car, drive to kirkland, which reminds me of the marina section of san francisco and go meet the moms. her name is dorothy. she is 64, divorced from bob's father for 10 years. she supposedly knows all about me and is dying to meet me or so says bob.
the house: wow! 3 levels, right on lake washington. nice. very nice.
dorothy is at first reserved, though dressed as she was, i was on to her. she was wearing: very high, very expensive slip on heels, snug lady 501's (she is thin so this is ok), a flowery, pucci print blouse and a simple diamond ring. i thought to myself: this woman looks cool, very hip and she looks about 48 not 64.
anyway, bob seems to move into the background as moms and i sniff each other out. she checks me out as in checks out what i am wearing. thank god i always try to look cool whenever i am with bob because that's what guys do when they are with their man, right? i'm wearing: 501's, black leather flips (havana joe's: very thin, very bare), a lime green lacoste shirt, athletic cut which means it's snug (collar decidedly down). i have to bring a sweater as it is cool and rainy in seattle. i bring a circa 1960's (actually 1963) letterman's sweater from los angeles high school: very cool.
at first, dorothy and i had to make sure that the outside was cool before we could pursue what is inside. we both passed. now it was time for lunch.
no matter what anyone says, liquor always helps in situations like this. bob and i had stopped at the local costco and bought a case of pinot noir...so we were ready.
and: lunch was fun, revealing as in dorothy told me things about bob that i didn't know. things that only mothers know about their sons, for example:
1. bob was difficult to potty train because he liked the feling of a warm wet, poopy diaper. hmmmm.
2. bob, when he wasn't shitty, liked to be naked always pulling off his clothes in private and public and embarrassing moms. yes, i believe this, because bob still likes to be naked though now it is mostly in private.
3. bob sucked his thumb until he was 12. i told moms that he still enjoys sucking things but it isn't his thumb. SILENCE. then dorothy bursts out laughing and that chasm between liking and not liking closes. dorothy and i at least like each other. bob is red as a beet but nonetheless squeezes my knee which gives me a hardon. and no dorothy didn't see me tenting. i think.
the food was absolutely first rate: cajun chicken salad with nappa cabbage with an incredible dressing. home baked rolls (whole grain. this alone would make me love someone. you gotta love anyone who can bake like this), a banana cake with lemon cream cheese dressing and of course the great washington state pinot noir. lunch was great. dorothy is nice and she and i got on very well.
we finished lunch and then had drinks on the terrace overlookng lake washngton until 1 am. dorothy hits the sheets at 10. bob and i sit out on the deck until 1, drinking, talking and making out.
speaking of bob and i making out: it was a little difficult at first because we were both kissing tops and when we kissed it was like a fight for dominace. he was used to kissing women who naturally i guess fall into the bottom role while i always kissed a dude as the dominant one. so now we have two dominants trying to lock lips and it was awkward to tell the truth. one of us had to be a kissing bottom or it just wouldn't work. guess who has taken the bottom role?
end of part one.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

the strange re-appearance of jonas and london calling

so first, the story of jonas' disappearance. pops called me today and gave me the scoop. it is so obvious that it is almost laughable yet somehow really stupid and unethical on jonas' part.
so here it is:
as you remember, jonas left the movie theater while vicky cristina barcelona was playing, nachos with double cheese in hand and said that he were going to pee. we never saw him again. i certainly never saw him again for the rest of my stay in new canaan. pops, being the stalwart and upstanding man that he is called the police almost immediately when jonas didn't show the next day after the movie.
dennis and i decided to take matters into our own hands (fueled by blunt and tequila) and broke into jonas' house, thinking that we would find jonas dead, his cock on the floor next to him and his dog howling in pain while he licked up all the blood as it oozed from jonas' body. no dice.
so: jonas ends up "missing" for 5 days. and yes the reason was that he was with a man. dumb. i gather from pops that jonas is close mouthed when it comes to what man and any details contained therein.
jonas left the theater (like an idiot i asked pops: "did he take the nachos with him?" why that was important to me can only be explained that, though i love theater nachos with all that plastic cheese...i can never quite bring myself to buy them: i always think about all that cheese adhering to my blood vessels, etc.)and met said mystery man and they went off to cape cod for the five days and fucked themselves silly. now remember that jonas is newly divorced (from a woman), newly gay and so socially he is 16: a gay teen in thought and in his mind. not to make excuses for the silly bugger but it is what it is: jonas is 40 in the non-sexual part of his life and 16 in the social part. to top all of this off, jonas is a clinical psychologist with a very successful practice. i realize that most men lead with their cocks but maybe he should have thought about this a bit before disappearing? what about his patients? what about disappearing with dennis? dennis is certainly cute and available and very very smart.
so there you have it: jonas is a geek, a beautiful geek...but a geek nonetheless.
for all that we saw of london outside of a claridge's hotel suite, we could have gone to new canaan, rented a motel room and ordered from domino's.
we did manage to go to gordon ramsey's restaurant (in claridges, of course)and go to the tate modern and ride a double dutch bus around town. but mainly that was it. oh yeah we saw quite a bit of the airport.
but i definitely have a lover now. and a boyfriend for now. now i will begin to worry about his leaving me. so continues the saga of my lovelife.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

back to life, back to reality...

so for my 2 readers the answer is: yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. other than that i cannot say.

i owe new york a post, so here it is:

i love nyc.

i love my dorm room mate who has the biggest cock i have ever seen. it is scary even and believe me i have seen a lot of cocks in my life.

i love my dorm neighbors who played madonna non-stop and who were majorly intelligent and were both getting their phd's in nuclear physics (or something like that).

i love that one of the neighbors was once a man but who now lives as a woman: this is courage...real courage...to live your life in THE way you want not the way others would have you live it. it's unfortunate that she pays for school by sucking off old men but hey we all gotta do what we all gotta do, right?

i love my nyc professors who operate and succeed in a profession that pays so very little yet they all give us so much. teachers are the real heroes in this world.

i'll never forget the two older gentlemen making out (tongues flipping in and out of each others mouths and everything) in front of carnegie hall. for those of us that think that is gross (and i did get several e-mails to that effect) and that love/sex stops at 30: i'm here to tell you that those men gave me hope for my 60's and 70's and even 80's. i may not be able to attract a hot 20 year old when i am 80 but damn watching and thinking now about those two men...i'll be happy with a sexy 70 year old.

and to the vampires: i know you were following me pretty much all the time that i was at school and i appreciate that you found me cool enough to do so but why only follow me, why not approach? maybe it's that thing about inviting a vampire into your house or they will not enter. what's weird was that i was close to having sex in public (remember july4th, central park???) with what's his name, one of you guys, so if that was not inviting someone in i don't know what is. well, i'll be back next summer guys and i will looking for you!
nyc miscellany:
coney island hot dog eating contest
crazy pretzel selling woman in columbus circle who wanted to suck my cock
the belgian chocolate shop in rockefeller center
my early morning runs down broadway when the city was just waking up and all seemed possible
july 4th central park with most of the psych dept and a pack of vampires (see above)
new canaan connecticut and pops and dennis, gloria and moms and the infamous jonas...
btw: jonas is back and more than ok...more on that saga later....

so: goodbye new york. as has been sung and said many times before: if you can make it here you can make it anywhere!



Sunday, September 7, 2008

off to london...

<--------------tate modern
we're off for some limited rest and relaxation. bob and i will leave tomorrow for london and will be back in santa barbara by saturday.
i will try to keep up with the blog but who knows.
update on jonas: pops tells me that his family is now in new canaan and that he seemingly has not left any paper trail: credit card use, atm, etc.
this makes me worried and sad. if you pray, include him in yours as i will include him in mine.
cya in awhile......

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

part 3: something strange this way comes to new canaan

it did come as a mild surprise that dogs are allowed in movie theaters in new canaan: hence when pops loaded cassio into the escalade (yes pops drives an escalade like a rapper) i said: whoa, we can't leave cassio in this heat in a locked car. pops and moms both answered: we aren't. he's going in with us.
now a dog named cassio. for those of you who know that cassio was supposedly othello's nemesis in shakespeare's "othello,"understand that all descriptions of cassio state that he is a stone cold fox. check out franco zeferelli's film of the verdi opera with placido domingo: ever the homo, zeferelli chooses the most beautiful blonde guy to play cassio and the contrast between big, burly, "black" othello (actually "otello" in the opera) and blonde, beautiful, foxy cassio only adds fuel to the fire, as it were, to othello's crazy obsession with desdemona's infidelity which involves a hankerchief, a nasty aide-de-camp, iago and cassio writhing naked on the floor. great gay images, cheesy opera images. oh well.
anyway: cassio, the rottweiler (yes, i bet you thought that he was a poodle or cream lab, right?) follows all six of us (moms, pops, gloria, dennis, jonas and me) into the theater playing the new woody allen film, vicky cristina barcelona.
btw: the evil jonas got us all stoned on the way to the theater including cassio so we were happy, loopy and ready for some woody allen charm and wit.
but first: the movie snacks: huge tubs of buttered corn, hot dogs for all, 2 butterfingers for me and huge vats of diet pepsi. jonas buys 2 (count them 2) orders of nachos with enough plastic cheese to clog all of our arteries.
the theater is full and so we have to sit in the first row and i think to myself: hmmm, first row...that means that there are 400 people behind us. then i began to eat popcorn, watch the commercials (how did this ever get started?), previews and then the film.
the movie: people have been waiting for allen to make another "annie hall" for 30 years and you need to face the facts: he is not nor does he want to, i would imagine.
"vicky cristina barcelona" is not the best woody allen film nor the worst but one thing it has going for it are the sterling performances by javier bardem, scarlett johansson and in a supporting role, penelope cruz who chews the scenery with relish. if cruz never spoke another word of english it would cool with me because when she does (speak english that is) she sounds like a doofus and her acting ability goes down the drain: it's as if the strain of mouthing the words in english takes so much out of her that she cannot emote. anyway, she is a hoot as bardem's ex who refuses to believe that he is done with her. when she is speaking her native spanish she mows over the delicate johansson and can match acting chops with bardem who is sexy as all hel in this film.
all to be expected i guess from a man who has given us both crummy films and some brilliant ones: pretty much on par with most directors who have been making movies for 30 odd years.
what was not expected was jonas leaving the theater saying as he left that he had to go to the head.
we never saw him again that night even when we honored the dinner reservation he made at a local bistro.
we never saw him again the next day though dennis and i went to his house looking for him: he was gone, his car was gone. his house looked the same as in it didn't look like anyone had tried to break in...except for dennis and i. but our reason for breaking in was to find him not rob him.
but no jonas. no jonas' car.
the next morning, pops called the police and reported jonas missing but was told that he had to wait 72 hours to report...blah, blah, blah.
where is jonas? when he left the theater was it to meet a man in the bathroom? we check the hospitals, we check his office: no jonas.
it is now several days later, i am back in nyc and there is still no sign of jonas and now he is officially a missing person.
i remember watching a program the premise of which was how/why people disappeared: this is one of those stories i think.
jonas went to a film stoned, gathered his nachos (i thought that was strange at the time: why take your food into the bathroom...a little weird, heh?), walked up the aisle supposedly to go pee and eat his nachos and poof: disappeared.
in the aforementioned tv program men/women would go out to buy a quart of milk and never return home: never return to their family, their lives...
i think that sometimes i also feel like pulling a jonas: leaving, changing my name, moving to bali and becoming a beachboy or in other words a high priced ho...selling myself for coconut milk and bananas and a gorgeous place to stay. then i remember that bob will miss me. and i heard today from the university that my petition to change phd mentors is approved...so you know what that means.
so guys, that is my story about the strange incident that happened in new canaan: a township rife with beauty and money and dogs named after shakepearean hotties.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

part 2: the strange incident at new canaan

so it's saturday night last and i am busy prepping a fine meal for my extended family which includes pops, moms, dennis, dennis' little sister, gloria, their dog cassio and a family friend, jonas whom i haven't seen in years. jonas is 30'ish, divorced and now gay, though i hear from moms that jonas has not actually done it with a guy. sound familiar, heh? oh yeah jonas is a clinical psychologist, owns a beautiful home in new canaan (there must be lots of crazies in new canaan), is cute in a paul newman circa "hud" way: which means this dude is HOT! (btw: paul newman...may you rest in peace, we will miss you)
after the car wash, pops and i go home to began drinking as in throwing down some newcastles and then we all decide to lay out by the pool. so i popped on a pair of white speedos as did dennis and lo and behold so does the popster. moms dons a stylish one piece and that minx gloria a brazilian thong. i swear if someone had the sense to take a photo of us it would have looked like a david hockney painting.
and then jonas appears: a vision in black speedos, hairy chest, worked out bod and sporting a grin as wide as all outdoors. (ok corny but my mouth was wide open and something was stirring in the nether regions...this much i know) so then i start pulling a timmy and start mentally riffing on jonas' and my life together: marriage, children, me combing his chest hair and shaving his ass hole...ya know that kind of thing.
of course, all of this manly manhood makes me nervous and i escape to the kitchen and get to the work of prepping for dinner: peeling and slicing potatoes, stirring the batter for pound cake, making the sauce for the veggies...all normal and calming things that tend to help me catch my psychological breath. i am in love with bob, remember?
so of course moms sends jonas in to help me or he decides to come in to help me or whatever...i never find out why exactly he is standing 1 foot away from me with 2 shots of patron anejo and smirk that reads: i am going to fuck you right here among the tubers and assorted spices and herbs. i am going to force you to take my penis into your mouth until you choke on my spooge. i am going to impregnate you with my massive cock and spank you until you scream in pain!
ok, what he really said was: i hope i am not in your way but i need a glass of water. i am thirsty. pops send this shot in for you and wants you back outside pronto, please.
(ok, so a guy can fantasize can't he?)
so dennis comes in, breaks the spell, helps me prep and jonas leaves to join the 'rents.
pops bbq's, the sides are devoured along with the couple of gallons of washington state pinot noir. since this is the labor day weekend and it is connecticut and pops has the money to do it right: we have a personal fireworks display on the lower 40 or the 'rents backyard. someone, i'm guessing it might have been the dastardly hairsute jonas, pulls out a blunt and all of us get stoned while watching (laying down on the lawn) a spectacle of flashing lights, rockets, sparkly stuff that make enough noise to raise the dead of new canaan cemetary. at one point, the local police come to visit but all dennis and i can do is laugh at them. jonas does his best to do the talking as pops and moms are unable to speak coherently. from what i can recall, jonas saves us all from being arrested for indecent exposure (oh yeah: did i say that we were all at this point naked? pops idea and a good one because then i could see jonas' weiner but seeing moms and gloria's vg was kind of scary and of course i had seen dennis' cock a couple 100 times. i have to admit that seeing pops cock was just a bit thrilling to me: not big but sweet looking like a parakeet) btw: it just occurred to me: can you even get arrested for indecent exposure on your own property? were there really police there? was i even there? did i really see god or was that jonas with a glowing halo above his big masculine head?
so this was my saturday of the labor day weekend, 2008.
partIII tomorrow: sunday and our foray into downtown to see vicky cristina barcelona: all 7 of us including cassio who loves the movies.

music: check out my new favorite song "still in love" by justin currie.....playing on the ipod on the right............>

Monday, September 1, 2008

the strange incident at new canaan

those of you who remember my blog of last year, may also remember my friend dennis who lives here in nyc now but who went to school with me in california and whose parents live in the redolent with meaning and sophistication town of new canaan, connecticut.
film fans know this city from ang lee's terrific "the ice storm" of 10 years back. i know new canaan because of dennis' moms and pops and from my trip there last year. a trip in which i could have sworn that dennis's pops (whom i will now refer to as pops) had the hots for me.
since i never sense that anyone ever has the hots for me (no, i am NOT fishing for compliments here), it came as somewhat of a surprise that i felt that pops was leaning in this direction. but so be it, besides the fact that pops is pretty sizzling for a 50 year old, wears cool clothes from the 70's most of the time and is as nice as pie to me, it has now been a year and nary a word from him. suffice it to say that i have moved on. then dennis called and asked me to new canaan for the labor day weekend. i literally begged bob to come with me so that i could show him off to dennis and his family. but bob, being bob had made plans to go fishing with his maine-living brother...so i went alone. i suppose that it is very forthright and honorable of bob to think that he must honor all of his committments to his family but for once could he change his plans for me? i am only asking here, you understand.
so i packed a bag consisting of speedoes, shorts, tees, 501's, western boots and some chill 50's hawaiian shirts for my foray back to new canaan, moms, pops and dennis. i was excited to see them all for new canaan and dennis' family IS like family to me: something of which i am in short supply.
pops met me at the train station and as i remembered from last year, saturday is car wash day. the car wash at new canaan is a major trip and believe me i have been to posh car washes but this one takes the cake (what does that expression mean anyway and from where is it derived?). the new canaan car wash sports: a dry cleaners, a massage parlor, a nail shop and now a mini whole foods...oh yeah and a first rate car wash.
though i knew i was wishing for a miracle, i hoped to once again see the dude who came up to me last year and asked if pops were my lover. remember him? well, i do. but he wasn't there.
anyway: pops was honestly enough for me. we both got pedicures, chatted about dennis being gay (dennis is officially out to his family, thank god). we talked about bob. we ate pastrami sandwiches. all in all we spent 3 hours at the car wash. i had a great time.
then it was off to whole foods as i was once again to sing for my supper and cook for dennis and his family saturday night. so amongst all the straight and gay couples of new canaan who were shopping at whole foods on a saturday afternoon, there were pops and i looking cool, buying provisions for that nights meal: a 1/2 filet mignon roast, turnips and carrots for root veggies with maple/pecan glaze, stuff for a caesar salad and c salad dressing, yukon gold potatoes for roasting and peaches, heavy cream and stuff to make pound cake for dessert. i really don't know why guys think that pops and i are a couple ( well, on second thought maybe i do: we act as friends act in public...or at least my friends: we punch, we cajole, we laugh, we toss apples to each other, we point out all the strange people that we see...you know the usual buddy stuff)or why said guys think that pops and i are even gay. i think that the most that i can be accused of is looking like a so/cal dude what with what i was wearing: madras shorts, white polo dress shirt (collar absolutely, definitely NOT turned up) from the 70's (thanks, uncs!)one size too small and a pair of, what else...black leather flips.
pops was wearing khaki straight front cotton shorts, a black polo and yup....black leather flips. so maybe i can understand why people think that we are a couple.
you might be wondering where was dennis? when i asked pops he replied: "this is our afternoon, dennis can have you anytime he wants." ok: what i could do with that statement, huh?
END OF PART I.(PART II to include a mini review of the new woody allen film viewed by dennis and me in an altered state...)
music: check the ipod to the right: i found a "heavenly" track and inserted it...check it out.