Saturday, December 27, 2008

new years eve: the loneliest night of the year?

well, it looks like my european trip is off this year due to an unforseen personal situation.
bob is bummed. i am bummed also but we will make the best of it here in santa barbara. in many ways it will be a relief to just kick back and relax for a month and eat, fuck, drink, work out, run on the beach and generally stay close to home and close to my uncle michael in los angeles: which is a short hop away from me. without revelaing too much, the uncs comes first above all others and he needs me now.
i have seen a number of movies: milk (very good), doubt (empty headed), benjamin button (very close to perfect)and revolutionary road (riveting).
bob and i will spend new years eve in los angeles: we will make a big party, i will will be a blast. the sb bros will meet the la bros and i will referee the ensuing confrontation.....more on that later.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

misc stuff in no particular order

the vampires left before i could say goodbye the day after the great dinner we had at downey's. there were reports of rat, dog and cat bones littered all over state street the next day in the sb newspaper.

christmas is coming sooner than later. i don't know about you but i feel enervated about the whole thing. i can't seem to dredge up much enthusiasm. the best thing is that i will be spending some time in los angeles with the uncs.
i did have a tree-trimming party here in sb in the dorm and that was fun but something was missing, christmas spirit-wise, ya know?
the guests were great, the food was slammin' and the tequila and wine were primo....but. bob was in a good mood and actually made an effort to get to know the bros. he also got drunk. but drunk in a good way: touchy, kissy, feely, vulnerable, defenses down, happy.
he was a hit with my friends both male and female. btw: there were 2 of his actual current students attending and he didn't outwardly flinch though i could sense a little trepidation. he soon got over that.

i am a great fan of jason statham (seen here) and i recently saw his "transporter3" which was a whole lot of fun. i read an article in which the director/writer of all three transporters wrote that he had created this character as a gay man. if that is true though, why does statham always have a scene in each film fucking a woman? nevertheless, run to see is a hoot. i firmly believe that they should have picked statham as the new james bond but maybe his screen personna is too ironic, too macho, too sexy, too edgey for bond. another statham movie that rocks is "crank," which is an updating of the 50'ish film noir, "d.o.a." and funny as hell.

---the bitter pill: de la hoya vs pacquiao---
obviously, at least to those who know me, the oscar de la hoya fight of last saturday night was a major downer for me: he lost. no, more to the point, he was hammered and taken apart by manny pacquiao. it was the first time that a de la hoya fight had to be stopped: stopped because de la hoya's handlers threw in the towel that is. i honestly don't remember if the white towel was actually thrown in the ring as by this time, i was not only pissed off but in, if not drunk, well on my way were my bros, also de la hoya fans. there are many social and moral reasons why de la hoya is a hero to me, some are: he is a los angeleno, his family is from mexico (as my pops parents were), he has done a lot for the poor of east los angeles and is basically a cool, moral,socially conscious and humble man.
he should not have taken this fight. it was a mistake. he should have retired without staining his professional rep with this travesty of a bout. i'm sad. my bros are sad. i am bracing myself now because hbo is re-broadcasting the fight right now and i am totally sober. will i be able to watch it again?


Wednesday, December 3, 2008

the vampires have risen....

so i'm sure you all remember the vampires from my stay in nyc this last summer and from my close encounter with a particular one on july 4th in central park. if you remember i was about to fuck him when something told me: don't do it!
for once, i didn't and i came to learn that he (edgar) was part of a group of vampires who also attended columbia with me though they were all under grads and all english majors. more importantly, they were all devastatingly handsome.
if you also remember, they followed me around the university watching my every move which was on the one hand sexy but on the other...creepy.
edgar also called me here in sb asking if i would mind a visit but hey i ain't no fool: iknow that if you invite a vampire into your home that he can do anything that a guest can do. so i demurred.
so what happened? the whole bunch came a callin' to me at ucsb en masse...all 6 of them. and fuck did they make a commotion or what? they are deathly white, beautiful, well dressed, un naturally muscled and unmistakingly and devastatingly sexy.
they strode into one of my classes mentored by a prof who takes everything in stride: welcome he said. you are all welcome to come in and listen and participate if you feel so inclined.
so, i coninued to participate in class and when it was over what to do, i thought.
ok: i'll take then to downey's for dinner: i mean what else, right. i take a pack of vampires to the finest restaurant in santa barbara, right?
vampires do not eat but they sure drink red wine and eat desserts...many desserts.
i found them a room at the spanish garden inn and bid farewell thinking i had done my duty as a host. but no. they were at my doorstep at 6 am in the morning when i awoke groggy from the night before but looking forward to my workout and my final classes of 2008. so off we all went to the ucsb gym.
end of part I.

Monday, November 24, 2008

giving thanks and other unsightly endeavors

thanksgiving is coming up here in just about three days. it is a day of rest, a day of eating too much,a day to hopefully think about all that is good and pure about your life: a day to make some changes for the better.
i have always loved thanksgiving and my uncle made sure that no matter in what financial shape he was in (of course as a dumb kid i could not tell that he was a struggling student when he adpoted me at the ripe of old of 23), we always had a big turkey and all the trimmings.
i had planned to spend thanksgiving with bob's mom in bellevue, washington but when i told the uncs he had such a look of disappointment, i immediately changed my mind. would i ever purposely hurt this man in any way shape or form? no fucking way. he comes first. he was/is my savior in so many ways.
so bob, his mom and i plus the uncs and his man will spend the day together. i will cook. we will drink, eat and then drink and eat again. i have honed this menu to the point that it is truly one of the best meals that i cook. i cook a lot of course but seldom prepare an entire meal: from soup to nuts as they say. it takes days, it is a pain in the ass but when we all sit down on thursday, it will be magic. on top of all of this it is supposed to rain. how sweet is that? it has been so hot here in so cal for so long that a day of food, family, friends AND cold weather in los angeles? too much to hope for, huh?
so speaking of bob: it has been a while since i have written about him...we did have our first argument, made up and then had another one. right now we are cozy. all is well but to be honest there is now a small crack on the surface of our relationship. the age difference is now more apparent, his heretofore heterosexuality is also an issue: an issue that will never be resolved. oddly enough, i am calm about this. i have accepted it. do i wince when he checks out a woman? yes but not any more than when he checks out a man. hey, i do the same and he doesn't like it either. this is life isn't it? you take the good with the bad as moms used to say. why i remember her saying this i do not know but i do.
so happy thanksgiving to my readers: sorry about the lapse in writing of late but school is grueling and frankly that is all that i can think about right now except for my moms and pops and my uncle michael and bob.
the holidays can be a bad time for many people: those who think that they have no one with which to commiserate. but, though i don't have much to offer, i do have that in spades. i understand you, i relate, i care.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

out, out damned spot

so i'm standing on the corner of state and mission having just run up to the mission from la cumbre plaza and right before my eyes a woman steps off the curb from next to me and is decimated by a car rushing by to beat the red light.
she is thrown 50 feet from me and the feeling of watching her fly through the air is like nothing i've ever felt in my life.
you know how people say: "it was like i was watching a movie?" well, that is what it was exactly like. she flew through the air and fell to the asphalt and cracked her head open.
i rushed over to help her, sweat pouring off of me, not only from the exhausting run but from the utter freakiness of the situation.
how do you help someone who is obviously beyond help? she lay on the ground, legs askew, her head profusely bleeding: bright red liquid all around her.
at least i had the presence of mind to hold her hand, say a prayer for her and call 911...all in the same split second it seemed. funny, though i am catholic, i could only think of a few phrases of the Jewish Book of the Dead which was written to be used as a guide for both the living and the dead. then i said a hail mary, people all around me: no one doing anything to comfort this woman who clung onto life long enough to say thanks to me. and then she was gone. i have never seen anyone die. i promise you that when and if you do, you will never forget it. it is as if the life force is sucked out of a person from the inside out. the eyes go blank, the body goes limp. there is no doubt that death has arrived and being so close to this woman i could actually smell her die as i think i breathed in her last breath. fucking scary...more so now as i write this than at the time.
many of you know that i lost my parents when i was very young. what you don't know is that they lost their lives in a similar manner: thrown from their car in a devastating car accident. their bodies likewise on view to a number of people who did nothing to comfort them. they died on the street, in public, no one around who cared enough to even pull my mother's skirt down. even now thinking about that one small fact makes me want to beat someone to a bloody pulp. but, at least they had each other to cling on to and when the paramedics arrived they had to pry their hands apart. i like that. it makes me smile: 2 people so in love until the very end, innit?
yeah, i told myself, once the uncs told me about this 5 years ago, that i would never let this happen to another human being if i could help it.
but did i think that i would/could actually hold it together enough to actually help someone in this way? no. not in million years.
it was a small kindness, i know this. it was an unconscious act, one guided by necessity and the enormity of the event more than by unbridled humanity, i think.
it may sound as if i am bragging and in a way i am. but not for me. it's because i was invested with the highest moral and social the uncs: uncle michael.
so yeah this whole thing is morbid i guess. maybe even self-serving and yet it is humbling: i had the balls and the presence of mind to act: i was not an observer, i was a participant.
it is real. it happened to me and, though i will never forget it, i survived.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

halloween: the aftermath

so halloween night went off as planned; meaning w/o too much "incident." carlos and greg only got into it with one str8 couple (a man and a woman no less)but bobby straightened it out very quickly.
costume roundup:
me: lioncloth, flips
bob: roman centurion w/o the metal chestplate for most of the night...which means he wore a pleated skirt...
carlos: dracula
greg: toga: but at least a short one
frank (school friend): a sleazy, fishnet wearing ho...and this guy is str8. no: i mean frank is really str8. HE almost traded blows with a guy who was trying to protect his dibs on a woman....lots of yelling and being macho but no actual blows were traded..damn!
jackie (q's manager): a bra, 50's style slip and black suede pumps a la elizabeth taylor in "cat on a hot tin roof." very subtle i thought...but i got it right away as jackie has black hair, a slammin' body, big tits...a taylor-style knockout.
we all drank too much tequila and red wine, stayed until after hours (read 5 am) then we went to a roach coach and ate carnitas tacos and very very hot salsa. then we went home.
yesterday, i was basically in a coma for most of the day. oh yeah i smoked an unbelievable cigar...montecristo when i woke up the next day..the following things were in full force:
1. a right side of my head headache
2. cigar mouth (and yes of course i brushed and flossed the night before)
3. acid stomach (the italians call it agita)
4. my feet were spotted with mud (? no idea here)
5. i couldn't move much less go to work out
6. it was all saint's day
as for #6: i had to shower, shave, dress and go to mass as all saints day is (as the tims describes in his blog) a holy day of obligation. and me, being a good catholic, had to go to church. at least i was able to beg God to help me with my head, stomach, etc. bob remained in bed until 4 pm...sleeping btw. this ability of his to sleep for hours at a time really bugs me because i can barely sleep. anyway he wakes up at 4, a big RESTED smile on his face and says to me:
"what's to eat, hub, babe?"
now, unless he was blinded by over 8 hours of continuous sleep, could he not see that i was one inch away from death's door? and this is after i went to mass, prayed to the lord to help me rid myself of this innervating hangover. so i say:
" i can make you an omelet." yup, i'm whipped. this proves it. i am forsaken.
so i raise up off the sofa like dracula out of his coffin and prepare bob a spinach, horseradish cheddar cheese and portabello mushroon omelet (6 eggs btw), rye toast and fresh coffee. i drag myself back to the sofa after this strenuous activity. bob squeezes himself behind me on said sofa and proceeds to fall asleep again!
i finally make it back to bed at 9pm after watching "the painted veil" (?) with edward norton and naomi watts: both of whom i love but please this film only proves once again that sommerset maugham cannot be made into film.
it is now mid day on sunday: i am once again feeling normal. now on to thanksgiving (with bob's mom) and christmas (the uncs) and new years (hopefully in europe...heee-hawwww!)

Thursday, October 30, 2008


happy all souls day to all of you.halloween is probably the gayest of holidays though of course it is not an official national holiday as say thanksgiving or president's day. but don't tell that to those of you who will be in west hollywood on halloween night, heh?
halloween for me this year will be spent with bob and da bros and asssorted denizens of q's. hopefully there will be no fights but i can't promise that as q's is mostly str8 except for a few days a year...and halloween is one of them.
as i've said before, a good friend of mine is the manager of q's and she protects us as much as she can but carlos and greg have big mouths and become easily slighted when anyone (gay or str8) even gives them a sidelong glance. you take the good with the bad with friends, right?
this will be a couple of firsts for bob: first time with da bros, first time in a semi-gay bar (where it is within the realm of possiblity that he might see one of his students) and the first time we have been together on halloween. i gather that he usually does nothing on halloween so just being out and about with me in downtown sb will be a new experience for him. i will protect him...hehehe.
bob took this of me with one of those postage stamp polaroids, remember them? i had to laugh when i saw the camera. it has to be 20 years old, huh. but that is just like bob. i guess he wants to paste this photo of me on his refer, maybe? (the quality is the shits but love makes you do foolish things, huh?)

so: have a groovy halloween. drink too much. smoke too much blunt. get in a fight.make lots of love.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

me and da bros

oftentimes when a man gets together in a relationship with another man, the friendships that existed before said man appeared... often go away, go on vacation, dissolve even.
i was never that kind of guy before, hated that kind of guy actually. i mean a romance is one thing but a friend ship lasts forever, right?
well carlos and greg and the other bros and i went out to q's last night (w/o bob) and they basically read me the riot act, turned me upside down and spanked me, pulled out their dicks and pissed on me. yup, they were none to happy because i was becoming one of "those" dudes, you see: the ones that bump off their friends because they are seriously seeing someone.
my bad.
carlos, greg and others (who do not want to be named because they think that they will be arrested by the ucsb police for being fags,i guess...but hey i am not in a good place with these guys right now and do not want to do something that they do not want me to. they are friends after all and i will honor their wishes) proceeded to tell me i was acting in a manner that made them feel bad, made them feel ignored and (though they didn't say it)made then feel unloved. they missed me and i didn't realize it until then, i missed them.
so the first hour of our partying at q's was strained to say the least. it was like an intervention i guess as each one of the bros took a turn letting me know how they felt, what they missed, what they wanted me to do. (it had to be carlos, the accounting major that organized this thing).
it was touching really particularly when you realize that only half of the 8 guys is gay. my str8 bros do not act in the manner we usually associate with being str8 anyway: they act emotional, loving, know like normal people.
it gave me some perspective: friends are important particularly ones that have enough feeling for you to stage an intervention, huh?
so, after the inquisition, we proceeded to party like lunatics. a couple of the bros threw up (the str8 dudes, of course), a couple hooked up which is almost impossible because q's is mostly a str8 club.
the rest of us went to ihop and ate pancakes, drank coffee and talked well into saturday morning.
this phenomena known to my bros as "friend abandonment" not only happens in the gay world but in the str8 as well. how do you explain this?
how do we avoid it? or can we?

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

he lectured, he smiled, he charmed

it is always fascinating for me to watch bob, a man who shares my bed, sucks my cock and makes mad passionate love to me, in a totally different environment and acting in a learned, professional manner.
such was the case this weekend in rogers, arkansas. bob was someone different, someone whose knowledge and experience oozed out of his pores. he spoke eloquently about his specialty and while watching him i could think of nothing else except that i had just seen him naked, shaving, combing his hair and talking to me about life in general and specifically where we would go for dinner.
he was in a great mood for he was being honored for a paper he wrote last year (i knew nothing about it of course...but that is his way). he is shy, he holds most stuff back, both good and not so good. it has been my quest, and i have been above averagely successful at bringing him out of his emotional shell, to make him comfortable talking to me about the stuff that makes him tick, the stuff that he would not normally discuss with anyone: what lies in his heart and his soul.
Anyway: he was brilliant, speaking to his colleagues in a manner both personal and scholarly. i was proud of him.
rogers offers nothing much except a "w" hotel (which floored me to be honest), a good restaurant, "bone fish." rogers is also a "dry" county which means that the proprietors of bone fish have to go to a retail facility and buy liquor when they need it. i asked what would happen if i brought in a bottle of don julio tequila and they replied that i could be arrested by the federal authorities for boot legging. yet, i could bring in a bottle of go figure.
rogers and it's neighbor, bentonville exist primarily for the pleasure of the vendors
of sam's and wall mart, so needless to say bone fish was pretty empty on saturday and sunday night so that bob and i were able to get to know the workers there pretty well: not one of whom had a southern accent...all were transplants from other parts of the country, some even from southern california.
so we had our run of the place.
on sunday, we saw "appaloosa" directed by ed harris, starring the tremendously sexy viggo mortensen. "appaloosa" is a western but one in which there is a fair amount of irony and frankly seeing ed harris and viggo together on the huge screen together gave me a boner: two more beautiful mean i would be hard pressed to name. ok: brad pitt and george clooney...but who's counting? the movie was good, not great, the popcorn was cheap and the denizens of rogers were kind and considerate.
nothing much happened: it was all chill and low key. i loved it.

Friday, October 17, 2008

arkansas here i cum....

bob asked me to join him this weekend on a trip to arkansas for a psychologist thing.
wish me luck.
more later.....

Thursday, October 16, 2008

babies and other strange beings.....

to those of you who read this blog it should come as no surprise that i want to raise children. children that would be fathered by me or bob or ideally both of us.
you hire a surrogate mother, she is impregnated with my and bob's sperm and voila 9 months later: a bouncing baby girl or boy.
lately, though i know it doesn't make sense at this time, i have been thinking almost of nothing else. consequently bob has been hearing almost nothing else.
in the past he sweetly demurred because he is the type of guy who does that sort of thing...sweetly demur that is. he'd smile, pull me towards him and proceed to try to impregnate me himself. romantic, heh?
i guess what i am looking for from him is : yes, i too want to raise a child with you. there i said it: THAT is what i want to hear coming out of sweet fat juicy lips.
so far, nothing of the sort has happened. it's all about me ranting and he sweetly demurring. it drives me up a wall frankly.
other than that, things are going very well between my bobs and me.
hmmm: maybe he wants me to marry him first, heh?

remember the vampires from my summer in nyc? well the lead one,thorn (i swear that is his name) the one i almost fucked in central park on july 4th. e-mailed me and asked if he could come and visit.
of course i had to demur (ok, i'll will try to stop using this word soon) and explained to him about bob. one thing about vampires: they take rejection very easily. all he said was: ok, man cya next summer. btw: this group (coven) of vampires is very very cool and laid back. and they are all gay and english majors. i did ask thorn if he had seen true blood and all he said was: huh?
i guess they don't watch tv.
speaking of vampires: has anyone seen TRUE BLOOD on hbo? this show is very well written, well acted and the vampires, both men and women are hot as hell.
set in a small southern town (where else?)true blood proposes a world in which vampires have been turned into almost solid citizens what with the invention of synthetic blood available everywhere as "true blood."
the vampires still hold onto their thirst for human blood but most make do with true blood and attempt to lead so-called normal lives.
in the photo: bill (vampire) and sookie (not a vampire)

on other fronts: my dodgers got their expensive asses trounced by the philadelphia phillies. oh well: there is always next year.

sports-wise, i do lacrosse, soccer, surf and play the occasional baseball pick up game but bob has no sport to call his own. he is a runner and a lifter and has finally found a sport (if you can call it that) and that is golf.

bob has decided that we should both learn to play golf mostly i think because he got the bug in seattle as, while me and his moms were off doing our thing, he played golf.
now, i like golf togs: the madras shorts, the white buck golf shoes, the polo shirts but actually play it...i dunno.
but i will be a good sport and take lessons with him. more to the point it will mean that we can spend more time together and that is a good thing.
i can't wait until my after christmas vaca to europe with bob this year. those of you in europe: look out!

Saturday, October 11, 2008

baseball and other stuff...

ok, so it's saturday night one of the few nights in which i have the opportunity to socialize with friends and thank god they love baseball as much as i do.
one of the things i remember most about my pops is that he was a rabid la dodger fan and would take me, just older than an infant i think, to dodger games in chavez ravine. he drove a big car i remember but as a kid's memory usually works this bigness could very well have been that he drove a beetle.
well, no i take that back: pops was an american car guy, always bought american and advised me to do the same.
i loved my time with pops at the ball game: he and his friends would drink beer, do shots and when it got cold he would let me sit on his lap and zip me up in his jacket with him.
along the line, i developed a love for the game of baseball and played from a very early age and into high school. i mostly played first base because i was quick and intuitive and because i got to talk to all the players or those that got to first base: got a number of dates that way...btw.
anyway, bob and i are hosting a bbq, which means i am cooking and he is bar tending, tonight for the second game of the american league playoff game between the exalted boston red sox and the tampa bay rays. (i will not speak of the poor showing of the dodgers against the phillies the last couple nights or i will go ballistic).

the movie, "atonement" was on hbo today. i have seen it in the theater but watched it once again today. it seems to me that it plays better on tv in that the overblown story becomes less so. first of all the basis of the film is flimsy: a young women, for reasons only known to said young women, falsely accuses her sister's lover of rape or something to that effect, of a young girl. he is not guilty but spends time in jail but is released to fight in ww2.
for me the film catches fire only when said young woman grows old and becomes vanessa redgrave who could read the phone book on screen and i would be riveted.
redgrave has so much movie charisma that everyone else in the frame with her fades away.
unfortunately, redgrave is in only about 10 minutes of a 2 hour film.

note to boxing fans: oscar de la hoya will (hopefully) fight his final bout on december 6. it will be the end of a glorious and illustrious career whether he wins or not. but he better win.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

"your happiness makes others sad..."

as a way of avoiding the presidential debate tonight, i clicked the tv over to hbo and the chris rock special. it was he who spouted the above statement. it is true of course though people who are happy (as in me) tend to forget it. but i promise you, we forget it only for a short period of time. then comes a period of indecision and negative enlightenment and then it goes away. so i will be god damned if i don't grab onto to it now that i have it. and if i make you sad because i am happy be assured that i will once again be counted in the ranks of the sad, the unhappy, the disgusted, the one counting my degrees instead of giddily counting the moles on my man's back.
and is sad the correct word? shouldn't it be jealousy, which is a far cry from sad, i think in that with sadness there is usually pathos whereas with jealousy there is only despair and self-hate.
so i'm thinking about what timmy said the other day in regards to my bubbling over happiness bubbling over. his comment came from a kind place, of course...but a realistic one also.
basically, to be honest, my life has not been a big fuckin' bowl of cherries and in regards to my current happiness: it will not last. the other shoe will drop. i will come to hate bob's habits or he will come to despise mine.
we both have a lot invested in our relationship: time,emotional committment, reputation. we're deliriously happy. deal with it.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

the MOMS...part II

so then it is day 2 in kirkland: i wake up to the smell of, i swear, home made cinnamon rolls: cinnamon from africa is unmistakable. then there is coffee, melted butter (real butter, not margarine) and i rise out of bed like dracula: straight up and glide to the kitchen (leaving bob in a dead sleep)to greet dorothy in a black bikini with an apron...a sight to behold to be sure.
though i really try to do without carbs in general and usually succeed at such, there are two things that i cannot resist (and though you might answer bittersweet would be wrong as bc has minimal carbs as it is very low in suger)two things carbolicious: fig newtons and cinnamon rolls.
thank god i had enough sense to slip on some pants but would it have really mattered to moms? i doubt it. besides it would have made no diff, there were c rolls to consume and hot java with which to wash them down. yum.
between bites, moms asked me about my family, about school. we chatted and ate and decided that we would go shopping that day to the first ever nordstrom's which is in bellevue a few miles away.
so we both got ready, left a note for bob who was still asleep (i hate that he can sleep so well and so fucking long) and proceeded to shop with moms at the storied nordy's in downtown bellevue.
so the convo between ooohhhhing and ahhhhing at the clothes and shoes:
moms: so you really love my son, huh?
me: yes i do with all my heart.
moms: and you know he feels the same, yes?
me: i feel that that is true, yes.
moms: i want some grandchildren, tyler....
me: yup, and i want children
moms: does bob know this?
me: yes, but he thinks i'm kidding but i am not.
moms: how would you have them?
me: well, though i would love to physically have bob's children, i cannot. so we would hire a surrogate and mix our sperm and see what happens.
moms: i believe you.
me: you believe me because i am serious and i am speaking the truth.
moms: now we must convince bob
me: moms, seriously do not say a thing to him. i will take care of that and we will have at least two children. this i promise.
moms: i believe you.
me: you believe me because i am telling you the truth.
so moms buys herself some beautiful jimmy choos and buys me a pair of white jeans and i could tell that she was happy about me but more importantly overjoyed over the prospect of spoiling the fuck out of my children. this is what grandmothers do i am told and there is not one thing bob nor i can do about it.
we decide to celebrate a bit and go to 8th avenue, find a wine bar in the hyatt and proceed to drink tequila, diet tonics and lime and eat almost everything off their appetizer menu. we have a good time.
it is 5 pm when we return home and find bob lounging on the sofa drinking a brew and eating peanuts.
me: make me pregnant.
bob: here with my mother in the next room?
me. yeah, she won't care.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

THE moms...part I

bob asked me to go with him to seattle, washington this week but did not tell me why until we were on the plane heading for the cool, crisp city of kirkland, home of costco.
me: why kirkland? you know that seattle is very cosmopolitan city, right? we could stay downtown and eat and drink ourselves into a coma.
bob: we can still do that in kirkland but i want you to meet my mother and she lives in kirkland.
me: GULP
bob: you ok? you look pale. my moms is a great cook and baker and she know all about you and me.
me: GULP
bob: say something (bob is often disturbingly calm which makes him good at what he does but also kinda drives me crazy). maybe i should have warned you before, huh?
me: (trying to be cool, calm) well yes. i mean i could have gotten my hair cut, gotten a facial, a pedicure, baked some of my famous brownies. but most of all: i thought your family was in maine?
bob: all but moms is in maine. she is in kirkland and i want you to meet her because i love you and i want her to love you also.
(fuck, i hate when he closes the window to an argument with shit like this. so i melt and say...)
me: ok. i hate when you say things like that.
bob: no you don't. you like me to say things like that.
(there he goes again)
me: hmmmm. how do we get to kirkland?
so, we fly to seattle, rent a car, drive to kirkland, which reminds me of the marina section of san francisco and go meet the moms. her name is dorothy. she is 64, divorced from bob's father for 10 years. she supposedly knows all about me and is dying to meet me or so says bob.
the house: wow! 3 levels, right on lake washington. nice. very nice.
dorothy is at first reserved, though dressed as she was, i was on to her. she was wearing: very high, very expensive slip on heels, snug lady 501's (she is thin so this is ok), a flowery, pucci print blouse and a simple diamond ring. i thought to myself: this woman looks cool, very hip and she looks about 48 not 64.
anyway, bob seems to move into the background as moms and i sniff each other out. she checks me out as in checks out what i am wearing. thank god i always try to look cool whenever i am with bob because that's what guys do when they are with their man, right? i'm wearing: 501's, black leather flips (havana joe's: very thin, very bare), a lime green lacoste shirt, athletic cut which means it's snug (collar decidedly down). i have to bring a sweater as it is cool and rainy in seattle. i bring a circa 1960's (actually 1963) letterman's sweater from los angeles high school: very cool.
at first, dorothy and i had to make sure that the outside was cool before we could pursue what is inside. we both passed. now it was time for lunch.
no matter what anyone says, liquor always helps in situations like this. bob and i had stopped at the local costco and bought a case of pinot we were ready.
and: lunch was fun, revealing as in dorothy told me things about bob that i didn't know. things that only mothers know about their sons, for example:
1. bob was difficult to potty train because he liked the feling of a warm wet, poopy diaper. hmmmm.
2. bob, when he wasn't shitty, liked to be naked always pulling off his clothes in private and public and embarrassing moms. yes, i believe this, because bob still likes to be naked though now it is mostly in private.
3. bob sucked his thumb until he was 12. i told moms that he still enjoys sucking things but it isn't his thumb. SILENCE. then dorothy bursts out laughing and that chasm between liking and not liking closes. dorothy and i at least like each other. bob is red as a beet but nonetheless squeezes my knee which gives me a hardon. and no dorothy didn't see me tenting. i think.
the food was absolutely first rate: cajun chicken salad with nappa cabbage with an incredible dressing. home baked rolls (whole grain. this alone would make me love someone. you gotta love anyone who can bake like this), a banana cake with lemon cream cheese dressing and of course the great washington state pinot noir. lunch was great. dorothy is nice and she and i got on very well.
we finished lunch and then had drinks on the terrace overlookng lake washngton until 1 am. dorothy hits the sheets at 10. bob and i sit out on the deck until 1, drinking, talking and making out.
speaking of bob and i making out: it was a little difficult at first because we were both kissing tops and when we kissed it was like a fight for dominace. he was used to kissing women who naturally i guess fall into the bottom role while i always kissed a dude as the dominant one. so now we have two dominants trying to lock lips and it was awkward to tell the truth. one of us had to be a kissing bottom or it just wouldn't work. guess who has taken the bottom role?
end of part one.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

the strange re-appearance of jonas and london calling

so first, the story of jonas' disappearance. pops called me today and gave me the scoop. it is so obvious that it is almost laughable yet somehow really stupid and unethical on jonas' part.
so here it is:
as you remember, jonas left the movie theater while vicky cristina barcelona was playing, nachos with double cheese in hand and said that he were going to pee. we never saw him again. i certainly never saw him again for the rest of my stay in new canaan. pops, being the stalwart and upstanding man that he is called the police almost immediately when jonas didn't show the next day after the movie.
dennis and i decided to take matters into our own hands (fueled by blunt and tequila) and broke into jonas' house, thinking that we would find jonas dead, his cock on the floor next to him and his dog howling in pain while he licked up all the blood as it oozed from jonas' body. no dice.
so: jonas ends up "missing" for 5 days. and yes the reason was that he was with a man. dumb. i gather from pops that jonas is close mouthed when it comes to what man and any details contained therein.
jonas left the theater (like an idiot i asked pops: "did he take the nachos with him?" why that was important to me can only be explained that, though i love theater nachos with all that plastic cheese...i can never quite bring myself to buy them: i always think about all that cheese adhering to my blood vessels, etc.)and met said mystery man and they went off to cape cod for the five days and fucked themselves silly. now remember that jonas is newly divorced (from a woman), newly gay and so socially he is 16: a gay teen in thought and in his mind. not to make excuses for the silly bugger but it is what it is: jonas is 40 in the non-sexual part of his life and 16 in the social part. to top all of this off, jonas is a clinical psychologist with a very successful practice. i realize that most men lead with their cocks but maybe he should have thought about this a bit before disappearing? what about his patients? what about disappearing with dennis? dennis is certainly cute and available and very very smart.
so there you have it: jonas is a geek, a beautiful geek...but a geek nonetheless.
for all that we saw of london outside of a claridge's hotel suite, we could have gone to new canaan, rented a motel room and ordered from domino's.
we did manage to go to gordon ramsey's restaurant (in claridges, of course)and go to the tate modern and ride a double dutch bus around town. but mainly that was it. oh yeah we saw quite a bit of the airport.
but i definitely have a lover now. and a boyfriend for now. now i will begin to worry about his leaving me. so continues the saga of my lovelife.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

back to life, back to reality...

so for my 2 readers the answer is: yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. other than that i cannot say.

i owe new york a post, so here it is:

i love nyc.

i love my dorm room mate who has the biggest cock i have ever seen. it is scary even and believe me i have seen a lot of cocks in my life.

i love my dorm neighbors who played madonna non-stop and who were majorly intelligent and were both getting their phd's in nuclear physics (or something like that).

i love that one of the neighbors was once a man but who now lives as a woman: this is courage...real live your life in THE way you want not the way others would have you live it. it's unfortunate that she pays for school by sucking off old men but hey we all gotta do what we all gotta do, right?

i love my nyc professors who operate and succeed in a profession that pays so very little yet they all give us so much. teachers are the real heroes in this world.

i'll never forget the two older gentlemen making out (tongues flipping in and out of each others mouths and everything) in front of carnegie hall. for those of us that think that is gross (and i did get several e-mails to that effect) and that love/sex stops at 30: i'm here to tell you that those men gave me hope for my 60's and 70's and even 80's. i may not be able to attract a hot 20 year old when i am 80 but damn watching and thinking now about those two men...i'll be happy with a sexy 70 year old.

and to the vampires: i know you were following me pretty much all the time that i was at school and i appreciate that you found me cool enough to do so but why only follow me, why not approach? maybe it's that thing about inviting a vampire into your house or they will not enter. what's weird was that i was close to having sex in public (remember july4th, central park???) with what's his name, one of you guys, so if that was not inviting someone in i don't know what is. well, i'll be back next summer guys and i will looking for you!
nyc miscellany:
coney island hot dog eating contest
crazy pretzel selling woman in columbus circle who wanted to suck my cock
the belgian chocolate shop in rockefeller center
my early morning runs down broadway when the city was just waking up and all seemed possible
july 4th central park with most of the psych dept and a pack of vampires (see above)
new canaan connecticut and pops and dennis, gloria and moms and the infamous jonas...
btw: jonas is back and more than ok...more on that saga later....

so: goodbye new york. as has been sung and said many times before: if you can make it here you can make it anywhere!



Sunday, September 7, 2008

off to london...

<--------------tate modern
we're off for some limited rest and relaxation. bob and i will leave tomorrow for london and will be back in santa barbara by saturday.
i will try to keep up with the blog but who knows.
update on jonas: pops tells me that his family is now in new canaan and that he seemingly has not left any paper trail: credit card use, atm, etc.
this makes me worried and sad. if you pray, include him in yours as i will include him in mine.
cya in awhile......

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

part 3: something strange this way comes to new canaan

it did come as a mild surprise that dogs are allowed in movie theaters in new canaan: hence when pops loaded cassio into the escalade (yes pops drives an escalade like a rapper) i said: whoa, we can't leave cassio in this heat in a locked car. pops and moms both answered: we aren't. he's going in with us.
now a dog named cassio. for those of you who know that cassio was supposedly othello's nemesis in shakespeare's "othello,"understand that all descriptions of cassio state that he is a stone cold fox. check out franco zeferelli's film of the verdi opera with placido domingo: ever the homo, zeferelli chooses the most beautiful blonde guy to play cassio and the contrast between big, burly, "black" othello (actually "otello" in the opera) and blonde, beautiful, foxy cassio only adds fuel to the fire, as it were, to othello's crazy obsession with desdemona's infidelity which involves a hankerchief, a nasty aide-de-camp, iago and cassio writhing naked on the floor. great gay images, cheesy opera images. oh well.
anyway: cassio, the rottweiler (yes, i bet you thought that he was a poodle or cream lab, right?) follows all six of us (moms, pops, gloria, dennis, jonas and me) into the theater playing the new woody allen film, vicky cristina barcelona.
btw: the evil jonas got us all stoned on the way to the theater including cassio so we were happy, loopy and ready for some woody allen charm and wit.
but first: the movie snacks: huge tubs of buttered corn, hot dogs for all, 2 butterfingers for me and huge vats of diet pepsi. jonas buys 2 (count them 2) orders of nachos with enough plastic cheese to clog all of our arteries.
the theater is full and so we have to sit in the first row and i think to myself: hmmm, first row...that means that there are 400 people behind us. then i began to eat popcorn, watch the commercials (how did this ever get started?), previews and then the film.
the movie: people have been waiting for allen to make another "annie hall" for 30 years and you need to face the facts: he is not nor does he want to, i would imagine.
"vicky cristina barcelona" is not the best woody allen film nor the worst but one thing it has going for it are the sterling performances by javier bardem, scarlett johansson and in a supporting role, penelope cruz who chews the scenery with relish. if cruz never spoke another word of english it would cool with me because when she does (speak english that is) she sounds like a doofus and her acting ability goes down the drain: it's as if the strain of mouthing the words in english takes so much out of her that she cannot emote. anyway, she is a hoot as bardem's ex who refuses to believe that he is done with her. when she is speaking her native spanish she mows over the delicate johansson and can match acting chops with bardem who is sexy as all hel in this film.
all to be expected i guess from a man who has given us both crummy films and some brilliant ones: pretty much on par with most directors who have been making movies for 30 odd years.
what was not expected was jonas leaving the theater saying as he left that he had to go to the head.
we never saw him again that night even when we honored the dinner reservation he made at a local bistro.
we never saw him again the next day though dennis and i went to his house looking for him: he was gone, his car was gone. his house looked the same as in it didn't look like anyone had tried to break in...except for dennis and i. but our reason for breaking in was to find him not rob him.
but no jonas. no jonas' car.
the next morning, pops called the police and reported jonas missing but was told that he had to wait 72 hours to report...blah, blah, blah.
where is jonas? when he left the theater was it to meet a man in the bathroom? we check the hospitals, we check his office: no jonas.
it is now several days later, i am back in nyc and there is still no sign of jonas and now he is officially a missing person.
i remember watching a program the premise of which was how/why people disappeared: this is one of those stories i think.
jonas went to a film stoned, gathered his nachos (i thought that was strange at the time: why take your food into the bathroom...a little weird, heh?), walked up the aisle supposedly to go pee and eat his nachos and poof: disappeared.
in the aforementioned tv program men/women would go out to buy a quart of milk and never return home: never return to their family, their lives...
i think that sometimes i also feel like pulling a jonas: leaving, changing my name, moving to bali and becoming a beachboy or in other words a high priced ho...selling myself for coconut milk and bananas and a gorgeous place to stay. then i remember that bob will miss me. and i heard today from the university that my petition to change phd mentors is you know what that means.
so guys, that is my story about the strange incident that happened in new canaan: a township rife with beauty and money and dogs named after shakepearean hotties.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

part 2: the strange incident at new canaan

so it's saturday night last and i am busy prepping a fine meal for my extended family which includes pops, moms, dennis, dennis' little sister, gloria, their dog cassio and a family friend, jonas whom i haven't seen in years. jonas is 30'ish, divorced and now gay, though i hear from moms that jonas has not actually done it with a guy. sound familiar, heh? oh yeah jonas is a clinical psychologist, owns a beautiful home in new canaan (there must be lots of crazies in new canaan), is cute in a paul newman circa "hud" way: which means this dude is HOT! (btw: paul newman...may you rest in peace, we will miss you)
after the car wash, pops and i go home to began drinking as in throwing down some newcastles and then we all decide to lay out by the pool. so i popped on a pair of white speedos as did dennis and lo and behold so does the popster. moms dons a stylish one piece and that minx gloria a brazilian thong. i swear if someone had the sense to take a photo of us it would have looked like a david hockney painting.
and then jonas appears: a vision in black speedos, hairy chest, worked out bod and sporting a grin as wide as all outdoors. (ok corny but my mouth was wide open and something was stirring in the nether regions...this much i know) so then i start pulling a timmy and start mentally riffing on jonas' and my life together: marriage, children, me combing his chest hair and shaving his ass hole...ya know that kind of thing.
of course, all of this manly manhood makes me nervous and i escape to the kitchen and get to the work of prepping for dinner: peeling and slicing potatoes, stirring the batter for pound cake, making the sauce for the veggies...all normal and calming things that tend to help me catch my psychological breath. i am in love with bob, remember?
so of course moms sends jonas in to help me or he decides to come in to help me or whatever...i never find out why exactly he is standing 1 foot away from me with 2 shots of patron anejo and smirk that reads: i am going to fuck you right here among the tubers and assorted spices and herbs. i am going to force you to take my penis into your mouth until you choke on my spooge. i am going to impregnate you with my massive cock and spank you until you scream in pain!
ok, what he really said was: i hope i am not in your way but i need a glass of water. i am thirsty. pops send this shot in for you and wants you back outside pronto, please.
(ok, so a guy can fantasize can't he?)
so dennis comes in, breaks the spell, helps me prep and jonas leaves to join the 'rents.
pops bbq's, the sides are devoured along with the couple of gallons of washington state pinot noir. since this is the labor day weekend and it is connecticut and pops has the money to do it right: we have a personal fireworks display on the lower 40 or the 'rents backyard. someone, i'm guessing it might have been the dastardly hairsute jonas, pulls out a blunt and all of us get stoned while watching (laying down on the lawn) a spectacle of flashing lights, rockets, sparkly stuff that make enough noise to raise the dead of new canaan cemetary. at one point, the local police come to visit but all dennis and i can do is laugh at them. jonas does his best to do the talking as pops and moms are unable to speak coherently. from what i can recall, jonas saves us all from being arrested for indecent exposure (oh yeah: did i say that we were all at this point naked? pops idea and a good one because then i could see jonas' weiner but seeing moms and gloria's vg was kind of scary and of course i had seen dennis' cock a couple 100 times. i have to admit that seeing pops cock was just a bit thrilling to me: not big but sweet looking like a parakeet) btw: it just occurred to me: can you even get arrested for indecent exposure on your own property? were there really police there? was i even there? did i really see god or was that jonas with a glowing halo above his big masculine head?
so this was my saturday of the labor day weekend, 2008.
partIII tomorrow: sunday and our foray into downtown to see vicky cristina barcelona: all 7 of us including cassio who loves the movies.

music: check out my new favorite song "still in love" by justin currie.....playing on the ipod on the right............>

Monday, September 1, 2008

the strange incident at new canaan

those of you who remember my blog of last year, may also remember my friend dennis who lives here in nyc now but who went to school with me in california and whose parents live in the redolent with meaning and sophistication town of new canaan, connecticut.
film fans know this city from ang lee's terrific "the ice storm" of 10 years back. i know new canaan because of dennis' moms and pops and from my trip there last year. a trip in which i could have sworn that dennis's pops (whom i will now refer to as pops) had the hots for me.
since i never sense that anyone ever has the hots for me (no, i am NOT fishing for compliments here), it came as somewhat of a surprise that i felt that pops was leaning in this direction. but so be it, besides the fact that pops is pretty sizzling for a 50 year old, wears cool clothes from the 70's most of the time and is as nice as pie to me, it has now been a year and nary a word from him. suffice it to say that i have moved on. then dennis called and asked me to new canaan for the labor day weekend. i literally begged bob to come with me so that i could show him off to dennis and his family. but bob, being bob had made plans to go fishing with his maine-living i went alone. i suppose that it is very forthright and honorable of bob to think that he must honor all of his committments to his family but for once could he change his plans for me? i am only asking here, you understand.
so i packed a bag consisting of speedoes, shorts, tees, 501's, western boots and some chill 50's hawaiian shirts for my foray back to new canaan, moms, pops and dennis. i was excited to see them all for new canaan and dennis' family IS like family to me: something of which i am in short supply.
pops met me at the train station and as i remembered from last year, saturday is car wash day. the car wash at new canaan is a major trip and believe me i have been to posh car washes but this one takes the cake (what does that expression mean anyway and from where is it derived?). the new canaan car wash sports: a dry cleaners, a massage parlor, a nail shop and now a mini whole foods...oh yeah and a first rate car wash.
though i knew i was wishing for a miracle, i hoped to once again see the dude who came up to me last year and asked if pops were my lover. remember him? well, i do. but he wasn't there.
anyway: pops was honestly enough for me. we both got pedicures, chatted about dennis being gay (dennis is officially out to his family, thank god). we talked about bob. we ate pastrami sandwiches. all in all we spent 3 hours at the car wash. i had a great time.
then it was off to whole foods as i was once again to sing for my supper and cook for dennis and his family saturday night. so amongst all the straight and gay couples of new canaan who were shopping at whole foods on a saturday afternoon, there were pops and i looking cool, buying provisions for that nights meal: a 1/2 filet mignon roast, turnips and carrots for root veggies with maple/pecan glaze, stuff for a caesar salad and c salad dressing, yukon gold potatoes for roasting and peaches, heavy cream and stuff to make pound cake for dessert. i really don't know why guys think that pops and i are a couple ( well, on second thought maybe i do: we act as friends act in public...or at least my friends: we punch, we cajole, we laugh, we toss apples to each other, we point out all the strange people that we know the usual buddy stuff)or why said guys think that pops and i are even gay. i think that the most that i can be accused of is looking like a so/cal dude what with what i was wearing: madras shorts, white polo dress shirt (collar absolutely, definitely NOT turned up) from the 70's (thanks, uncs!)one size too small and a pair of, what leather flips.
pops was wearing khaki straight front cotton shorts, a black polo and leather flips. so maybe i can understand why people think that we are a couple.
you might be wondering where was dennis? when i asked pops he replied: "this is our afternoon, dennis can have you anytime he wants." ok: what i could do with that statement, huh?
END OF PART I.(PART II to include a mini review of the new woody allen film viewed by dennis and me in an altered state...)
music: check the ipod to the right: i found a "heavenly" track and inserted it...check it out.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

The Teachins of Peaches

one of the great things about summer is peaches. bbq's half peaches dusted with brown sugar and cinnamon served over home made vanilla ice cream. fresh peach pie with real peach juice whipped cream.
eating ripe cool peaches (never refrigerate fruit!)on a hot day with the juices flowing down your naked chest.
feeding peaches to your baby cousin while her small feet kick with excitement from the sweetness and the fact that her big cousin is paying attention to her.
then there is peaches.
(click the ipod off before you play the video)


Sunday, August 24, 2008

the soul patch

i am not a fan of facial hair though i will admit that on some guys a nice stubble is sexy. beards are always uncalled for in any situation: unless of course you are playing freud.
bob has grown a soul patch and, don't tell him i said this: but it even makes him look sexier than i think he already is.
here's a famous dude with one, though i can't quite place him, i think that he is in a band: (it goes without saying i hope that bob has refused to appear herein)

so: there you have it. the soul patch. i dig 'em. i will grow one and look like a geek probably then i will quickly shave it off.
the closing olympic ceremony is on now and it is as spectacular as the opening: directed and produced again by yimou zhang.
not much of a blog but there you have it.
oh yeah: i saw "elegy" with penelope cruz and ben kingsley based on a novel by philip roth and being such it is about a old geezer (kingsley) lusting and leaving a young beautiful woman (cruz). it is rothian in that the man is presented as the master, the super human embodiment of all things male though roth must be well into his 70's. the cruz character is nothing more than a sexaully pliant plush toy though she is, away from the kingsley character, an intelligent college student. "elegy" is pretentious and ugly.
i despised "elegy" and wanted to bolt from the theater but bob kept telling me to stay and hold his hand because he was shocked and frightened that a film released in the new millennium could/would be so anti-women. (women should be picketing this film)
it took a couple of shots of tequila anejo to clear our heads after that.
music: rachmaninov...i love the piano concertos and "eugene onegin" but the vocalaise
playing now while you crank the sound down on your computer is one of my favorite pieces of music ever. it is quite haunting and very very beautiful. it always makes me feel better when things are not going well. listen to it. it is not long. you will be better for it, i promise.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

men that i would fuck if given the chance....

which is not likely to happen but nonetheless a guy can dream, can't he?

jon hamm. this man is so broiling hot that it really defies reason. he's on amc's "mad men" and though looking at him in a photo is orgasm inducing, check him out in motion on camera. he plays a ny ad man with a past that he has chosen to put aside and from which he moves away.
joe and i would live in connecticut probably new canaan. i would see patients during the day in our den while joe would take the train to nyc and ply his wares as.....yes an advertising executive. we will have 1 1/2 kids, 2 dogs: a cream pug and a rottweiler. we would vacation in ibiza. jon loves to go to nude beaches and play ice hockey. we will grow old gracefully and i will take a lover when he is unable to satisfy me sexually (he is 13 years older than me, afterall). he will handpick said lover for me and film us when we fuck.

jared padalecki. i have been in love with jared since seeing him for the first time on "the gilmore girls." he is very tall, has beautiful feet and his screen personna is of the ahh shucks, gary cooper variety which never fails to make me hard.
jared and i will move to hawaii and buy a sugar cane plantation. by day, jared will work the fields while i drive into honolulu to see patients. at night we will make love nonstop. we will eat coconut meat and drink local beers. life with jared will be easy and free-wheeling. we will spend the rest of lives together and when in our 40's we will adopt a family of orphaned mexican children.

jason statham. anyone who has seen "crank" will know why i love jason: he is sexy, muscular, ironic and just loads of fun. women love jason, men love jason, dogs love jason.
jason and i will live in london but not in notting hill but in belgravia. we will have 3 bull dogs and walk them together hand-in-hand nightly. our life will be one of movie sets and orgy clubs. we will vacation in rio and bali: places in which clothing is optional. i will not get jealous when people gawk at jason's massive cock because jason is a one man man: me.
jason and i will not have children as we will consider each others company enough.
jason will die when he is 52 and i will inherit all of his earthly goods and money which i will use to set up a foundation that will fund platic surgery for the homeless.

jakub stefano. if for no other reason, i am in love with jakub for his beautiful feet. jakub is a native of the czech republic yet we will lead a wonderful life in paris. jakub will be a house father caring for our 5 children while i work on the rue del'homme attending to the needs of frazzled parisians.
life with jakub will run the gamut between attending the paris opera and watching jakub sharpen his skills as a bull fighter.
unfortunately, jakub will leave me when i am 30 and will run off with a 15 year old girl from lyon. the french courts will award me everything and jakub will lead the life of boheme with his 15 year old and will ultimately die of consumption when he is 45.

last year, when i decided to take polo lessons, i met wally. wally is from argentina but teaches the art of polo here in santa barbara. wally is not the most handsome man in the world (BUT, check out those lips!) but he makes up for it with his sterling ability to make me laugh.
i actually consulted a hit man to murder wally's wife but geeked out w/o going through with the hit.
i will always consider wally the man that got away: except for one night more than a year ago after an especially tiring, hot and dusty horse riding lesson. nuff said.
wally (and no that is not his real name: i mean who in argentina is named wally, heh?)will eventually leave his wife and we will ride, two on a horse, to the pampas in argentina where we will marry. i will raise the children while wally teaches fat, bored argentinean girls to ride. i will grow fat from all the beef and gristle that i will consume but wally will not care one bit:
"mucho más al amor" he will tell me daily. oh well.

so, there you have it for now. more on this subject later. when? who knows?
i can now take "i try" off automatic play. good idea, huh?

Sunday, August 17, 2008

"don't you think i'm good enough for you?"

i often think of moms especially when i listen to the music that she played during the day while cleaning and doing her housewifey stuff...whatever that entailed. remember that i was only five when she and pops died, so these memories are very old, recalled behind a veil of tears, loss,regret and wonder...always wonder.
as is often said of people that die young: my parents will always be young, beautiful and, in my mind at least, smart, funny and bursting with life and as an extension laughter. they laughed a lot, we all laughed a lot.
my uncle michael is my mother's brother and when i spend any amount of time with him, the conversation always includes talk about moms: her singular walk, her reaching into her pocket and applying lipstck a 100 times a day. i ask the uncs: how was she as a child? was she good in school? did she ever want to be a psychologist? did she ever tell you that she loved me?
ok: so the music, always music playing in my parents home. as i have said before laura nyro was a favorite of moms and has also become a genuine favorite of mine.
(thinking about this only now and not aware of what was really happening in moms life)i remember that moms loved playing, what i now call, love songs that make you want to slit your wrists: case in point..."i try" by angela bofill now playing on my ipod thing on this page. i love this song.
one time i put this song on when bob was over and i walked out of the room so he would be forced to listen to it. i really wanted to see if he would relate, if he would have something to say about it or if he would ignore it (this would not have been good). bob is by nature emotionally reticent often incapable of expressing his feelings to another person. he does open up with me, of course. it has to do with trust and he trusts me...and i him.
(you might be thinking: how is it that someone whose career it is to open up others emotionally cannot himself open up? good question but having been a patient of his for several months and going into that same profession myself soon i now know that it is not the therapists "job" to open up to his patients but the other way around)
so anyway: bob and the song, "i try." he loved it and wanted to hear it again. when he had heard it again he said: that woman who is singing is very desperate, she is also very sad. she sounds beaten down. there is only just a shred of hope there, innit?
i remember coming back from i guess 1st grade and hearing "i try" playing and moms sitting at the kitchen table, drinking a cup of coffee (or i assumed it was coffee) and trying to hide from me the obvious tears falling from her eyes. i don't think that there is a worse feeling than seeing your mother cry. internally and externally actually i went a little crazy. i wasn't her big boy at that moment. i was a blubbering, scared shitless little dweeb who wanted her to stop, wanted to know what was wrong.
she covered up her sadness with a smile and a short laugh and proceeded to feed me.

Friday, August 15, 2008

"will you come inside me"

" you can see inside me...will you come inside me?" i love these lyrics and song by minnie ripperton a precursor to mariah carey though one with no attitide and miles of talent. minnie died a number of years ago but left a ream of beautiful music, "come inside my love" being one of her best.
so how did i come to know this song and minnie ripperton? the sopranos. there is a scene inside of the bada bing in which the pole dancing women are sensually moving to this song and i had to find out what it was and who it was by.
speaking of barebacking and coming inside your partner's ass hole: there is definitely a mystery tied to this most verbotten sex practice. i personally have never shot my load up another dudes ass. i am of the safe sex generation, we do not cum inside anyone's love. unless: we are lucky enough to be with the same person for awhile and the tests consistently come back negative. kinda takes the fun out of it all, huh?
and fuck have i been tempted to let go and just forego the rubber and do the nasty the way it was designed to be done. yes. but never have as of yet.
good news: the uni psychology board has agreed to take written testimony from me in regards to changing my phd sponsor: soon i will be enjoying the sweet sweet lovin' of one sexy fuck, bob. my fears? all this build up, plain and simple. will i be disappointed? will he be disappointed? will he be able to even do it with a guy? remember he never has up to this point.
anyway: on other fronts. timmy is in my hometown going to the abbey in weho and acting like a proper so cal gay: uppity, careless, being a bitch and forgetting all that europe has taught him. no, i'm just fucking with ya. i have no idea what he is experiencing but i do know that weho tends to make you gayer than you might usually be. the castro in san francisco is like venice while weho is more like Ibiza: raw, obvious and crazy: not a bad thing i admit.
london is imminent. having some time off is imminent. fucking with my main squeeze is imminent. i'm scared. can he see inside me?

music: hear minnie's come inside my love on my ipod thing on the right on this page.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

"London is full of Whores and Queers"

nonetheless, i am going to london for a week in about 3 weeks with mr. bob.
i have to make a very very quick trip to santa barbara to meet with the phd inquisition board to change ny phd sponsor from bob to web. (or the inquisition board may accept written testimony: keep your fingers crossed)
web was my previous phd sponsor and is also slammin' hot but he is with someone else. we have known each other for so long our relationship has slipped cozily into friendship: a major growing up thing for me as in the past i would glomm onto a hot man despite the ethical implications.
so web and i are friends, he is smart and concerned about my future and he also became a licensed clinical psychologist at 27. he is now the ripe old age of 29.
the cool thing about web and is that we share the same birthday: december 22.
bob and web are also friends and tenured professors though from different schools.
london: sex, theater, soho, notting hill, the tate, restaurants (gordon ramsey's of course).bob and i will surf wherever we can. we will stay at the my insistence...just because that is where elizabeth taylor always stays.
right now i am winding down in nyc: both school wise and personally. i have become a celibate, i pray daily, i eat only chocolate and drink pinot noir. i wax my entire body and i have shaved all my hair off. i wear only muslin caftans and have stopped working out. i troll central park for tricks in which i perform all sorts of disgusting sexual acts on more than disgusting men and women for 50 cents.
i am content. i am happy. i often return home with my rectum filled with the rancid cum of 100's of men. i gladly remove said cum with a turkey baster and use the contents to feed my many orchid plants. they gobble the human food ravenously and grow to gigantic proportions.
i am ready for london. and london is ready for me.

music: listen to my blog ipod and learn more about me than anything that i have ever written here.

Friday, August 8, 2008

it's new york city, after all......

i forget sometimes where i am/have been the last few months. though l love los angeles as i would a sister, i adore new york.
i forget how lucky i am to be here getting a taste of the greatest city in the world. and though some would paint new york as a city that is hard to get to know, i personally have not found her to be so.
i visited nyc several times before my last and this years stay here as a student and intern but it is not until you live here that you get to really know her.
take this for example:
pretzel vendor in columbus circle: so sweet cheeks (as she takes me in with her eyes from head to bare toes) what can i do for you? if it is more than a pretzel and mustard, i get off at 8 pm....hehehehe.
me: ahhh, a pretzel with cheese sauce please...extra cheese food please...oh yeah and a diet pepsi, m'am.
vendor: you can do better than that, can't you?
me: ok, how about a cheddar pretzel with a diet black cherry with extra whole grain mustard (i say sheepishly because frankly this woman is freakin' me out)
vendor: now you're talkin', here's my card,(a street vendor with a calling card? is this a new trend or what? wasn't it one of the vampires that had a calling card also?) call me if you get hard up for a good fuck (being offered sex on the street is a nyc thing, i guess. nothing like this would ever happen in santa barbara, believe me. on the other hand what if i would have said something like: sure babe, let's do it here and now?)
me: how much?
vendor: 0 bucks for you, give me a call.( i did leave her 5 bucks in her can, though)
me: (blushing from head to flip clad toes) ok thanks ma'am.
vendor: you call me m'am again immagonnacut your balls off, get it kid?
me: yes m'am..i mean yes, thanks
so did this horny 60'ish street vendor confine her sexual pursuits on me?
how do i know this? she pulled her sex scam on a 50'ish chubby dude who tried to buy a pretzel right after me.....i heard her...ha!
just to counterbalance all the seeming adulation of above...this:
me: i'd like a new york times please
newsparer vendor: what? you blind? there it is, grab one and pay me and get the fuckoutta here, charm-boi!
me: thanks, man. i haven't been called charm-boi yet today.
news vendor: what youamuthafuckinsmartass: move along or i'll pull those street sunglasses off your nose and stomp them....(ok, i'm basically a chill type of person but this scrawny fucked up dude is making my scalp you know i was wearing ray-ban wayfarers, yeah? i probably should have just slunk away fron this all at this point but i wanted to play with the crazy man a bit more...)
me: eat my ass, pervert! (always good to ask the crazy dude to do something gay...just so that he will let loose...even more)
news vendor: yeah you'd like that wouldn't you, fag-boi!
i have had a number of these altercations and with each one i get better at it. at first i just sort of looked sheepish and freaked out then with each one i got it! i got the who's and the why's: ya know...what the rules are of this particular kind of game called: how to deal with street people whether they be vendors or..err...street people. it's all a game to see who can "get to" the other. it is also a way for the vendors to find out who the tourists are and who are not.
i have graduated with honors, i think into the realm of the indigenous people: new yorkers as it were.
my dorm neighbors are students here at the uni, they play madonna incessantly, smoke so much dope that it seeps under the thin walls between us and generally have sex with each other and others as much as is humanly possible.
one of my neigbors is frank. frank is cute, 20 ish, lean, cut, eats whatever he wants and never works out though sports a ridiculously insane physique.
anyway, frank and i walked to campus together yesterday and i learned that frank was only recently frank...i.e. he was heretofore francine. oh yeah and francine is a prostitute and oh yeah: francine is a cwad...a chick with a dick. so all the sex i hear happening is francine satisfying straight guys with her penis which she navigates into their mouths and anuses. francine charges 1000 bucks (she says) and asks if bob is unattached. all i said to her was: ask him. ( what i like about francine is that, assuming she really does make 1000 bucks a trick, she continues with her education and her phd is in physics mind you...makes you think, huh?)
everyone here has a story to tell. everyone here is more than willing to tell you that story whether you want to hear it or not.
i love it here and i am sad that i will be leaving soon. more about nyc later.

THE OLYMPICS OPENING CEREMONY: WOW! Yimou Zhang, director of the sublime "house of the flying daggers" and the even more over the top art directed "curse of the golden flower" (the formations in the ceremony echo the formations in both of these films) has designed, produced and directed this breath-taking spectacle.


music: listen to the ipod. choose a song, play it and let me know what you think.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

the doggy days of summer.....

i realize that i am now obsessed with sex: unequivocally and relentlessly so. i see sex everywhere i go...or i imagine it everywhere i go, i'm not sure which.
this morning outside the steps of my dorm, two dogs are fucking and i get hard.
outside the campus entrance i see 5 couples french kissing and crotch bumping each other and i get hard.
(i could very well have imagined all of this, my vision is often blurred, my crotch often inflamed with the stench and infection of millions, even trillions of dead sperm cells)
on top of all of this my ex (an auto mechanic no less but a freud reading and comprehending one...hersh is an emotional minute happy, the next pissed...ok, ok: a classic manic depressive. but when he was sweet and on there was no one better to me in and out of bed) has been calling me: it's as if he smells my panic and sperm heavy testicles all the way from santa barbara.
he says he wants to come to nyc, he wants to make love to me. he misses me. he says he made a mistake booting me. i said: huh? i booted your crazy ass, hersh! (not a particularly savvy comment from someone in my chosen profession but i can't really be held responsible, ya know?
anyway, i get several texts from hersh a day but he is as far away from me physically as i am close to bob. fuck, bob: what to do?
is this what love really is? is deprivation the way to redemption? what? am i becoming a monk for the love of bob? is being 35 (soon to be 36)as bob is, mean that you can really control everything in your life: sex, love, career?
i just don't know. is it shallow to want to wallow in the physical love of your man?
there is a movie, the black narcissus with deborah kerr as a nun in africa or some such country and all the nuns are hot for a sexy, daisy duke wearing though very sexy english dude who has eyes only for kerr. kerr, always the epitome of reserve and devotion to god ignores him. towards the end of the film, all the other nuns go into a kind of whirling dervish dance: discarding their clothing as the dance progresses to a macbeth/witches stirring the pot thing and the screen goes black...this is the 1940's after all. anyway nothing much happens. the catholic church packs all the nuns up and sends them back to france or belgium and everyone is better for the experience except kerr who dares to wish and hope that she gets to see the daisy duke short wearing english dude again.
so this is how i feel: like kerr with the dd wearing english dude as bob. this probably makes no sense and i actually don't care. take the last paragraph as you will, my friends.
anyway: the part of my life of which i do have complete control is my education: all is a-ok, going well, going as planned. i have made some great friends and am going out tonight with a couple of psych dept friends to drink and dance. bob will plan his lesson for tomorrow. another thing: except for when he works out, bob never fucking sweats! it is hot and humid here in nyc and i sweat like a pig, bob doesn't: he is so self controlled that he remains dry and composed. i often just lay my head on his lap and smell his crotch. lol: i am ridiculous, huh?
so tequila and diet tonic and dancing should help tonight but if the vampires show up, i may be in trouble.

Music: check out my ipod thing to the right. listen: this is the stuff i like and listen to every day.

Saturday, August 2, 2008

saturday in new jersey: alone and carefree

saturdays are usually spent with dr. joan, mostly listening to her patients (all athletes) complain about their lot in life. many are sad, many are gay (about 40%) and many are not happy about their being gay. this perplexes me mostly because what can you do about that? of course analysis will help sort all this out but:
A. they've already conceded to their gayness.
B. they've already conceded that they hate it.
C. so: they now are in a situation in which they hate themselves for something that cannot be helped.
D.dr joan is pretty amazing in that she can reason this all out so that the patient leaves with the sense that they themselves have come up with the solution when it was really dr joan pushing them to that realization. duly noted, believe me.
i realize that the sports world is probably a worse world in which to be gay then say the armed forces. at least if you are a soldier, baracked with a 100 dudes in south carolina in the summer where as little clothing as possible is not optional, there is a good chance that you, as a gay dude, will get some action...even if that action involves your being ganged fucked (pleasurably, of course)by some hot sweaty, buzz cut soldier boys.
but in the sports world, you are rejected outright (and yes i know i am generalizing bear with me)and thought of as a detriment to the team. i mean is anyone at all gay and out on any professional sports team except david beckham?
so on saturday in the wilds of fort lee with dr. joan (and i know i pseudo-named her something else in a previous post but i can't remember what that pseudo name was/is) i am concerned and i listen to the litany of usually 10 guys and women who basically cannot function in the world because they are gay. and this is 2008 or 1958? you tell me.
anyway: dr. joan called me this morning while i was on my way to her side (really i sit behind her)and she informed me that she had a family emergency and had tried to cancel all of her appointments but could not get in touch with her first two: and would i go to her office and wait for these two and inform them....blah, blah, blah.
of course, i agreed mostly because one of the two is a major hottie who plays college lacrosse and who, i think has taken a shine (as Moms used to say) to me. not that i would do anything about it, right? btw: lacrosse is not so conflicted about being gay, i think as he spends most of his time with us talking about his sex partners and how they treat him like a piece of meat...which, and i am compelled to say this: yes, the fuck he is: as in prime grade aaa beef! (not very professional,i will admit but lacrosse is unspeakably hot as well as kind and huggable as a well worn teddy bear)
and speaking of my bob he had plans to go to see "the phantom of the opera" (he IS getting gayer by the minute, isn't he?) with a college friend ( a dude named george who i pre-approved as someone suitable to accompany bob. in other words he is nice but a geek. he is also of course a psychologist with a major practice in nyc...anyway he is safe: married (as if that makes a diff, huh?). so bob is taken care of today and after 10am i am free as a bird to do as i like in the fair state of new jersey.
so back to lacrosse :he arrives on time at 10am, i inform him of the situation and he asks me if i have any plans now that joan will be gone. ok...i have to muster all of the courage and the restraint that i can. i think of the virgin mary,i think of jesus on the cross,i think of bob wearing that beautiful cashmere sweater i bought him for christmas last year, smiling at me as if i were the only person in the world....but finally i tell lacrosse (who is absolutely devastating in black levi knee length shorts (thigh muscles bulging out like virginia hams), a tight white armani tee and black leather flips with toes both sensitive looking and masuculine...if you know what i mean and yes timmy you do.
no...i have to get back to the city...i say. lacrosse says: are you sure you can't have just one cup of coffee with me? i somehow wake up (more like i snap out of it, really) from a reverie and find myself staring at his crotch for it seems like way way too long. when i look up he is beet red but smiling. i leave immediately.
i must explain that i did not consciously say to myself: self...stare at lacrosse's crotch for 2 minutes but indeed i did and i have no explanation but that it was the natural thing to do when a person is in my deprived condition.
so now: the rest of the day will seem boring to you all so i will merely list the inane things that i did in fort lee: (in chronological order)
1. starbucks (and you know of course who walked in as i was leaving, right?)
2. pedicure (performed by a chinese woman from vietnam who also spoke french, was married to a guy who also did nails there at the nail saloon and who was 20 years younger than she.)
3. barnes and noble: bought the new joyce carol oates.
4. wall-mart: because i had never been into one.
5. movies: saw batman again. ate a large popcorn, a butterfinger and a large diet pepsi. for some reason this time, batman made me cry almost from the first frame. i must speak to my analyst about that. (as you knw my analyst used to be bob...but now it is temporarily my former doc who lives in los angeles and who is also very handsome.his name is webster, or web and you would think by hearing that name that he is 5' tall and 300 lbs, right? no way. the first time i saw him i got dizzy, i swear).
6. bought a slice big enough for two people of pepperoni pizza
7. drove back to nyc.
8. saw james gandolfini in the car next to me. he waved at me. i smiled.
9. i miss bob.

music: check out the new music thingy on this page. i loaded it with some of my favorite music. i will change the selections periodically.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

i got bob a job!

it has become very difficult to be with bob in any form of interaction: eating, sleeping, watching tv, going to a concert, sitting next to him, listening to his urine as it hits the get the picture.
since we cannot have sex until bob is assured that his removal as my phd sponsor has been approved (which won't happen until i face the psychology dept firing squad or inquisition panel or whatever the fuck you call it....) in september.
and though i am at school or interning in new jersey i always spend most nights with bob. i mean i love talking to the guy, ,love discussing life, discussing movies, talking about the know, the works. but all of this contact, both physical and mental: IS DRIVING ME UP A WALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so, i got bob a job.
and even though it is just for a month or so until the end of the term, it will keep him busy, keep him away from me a bit (i know this sounds both nuts and mean)so that i can maybe, just maybe not have a hard on for 5 minutes a day as his mere presence makes me hard, makes me crazy, makes me want to rape him. i have even had dreams (or maybe i was awake, i can't tell) in which i tie him up and perform unnatural acts of aggressive sex on him that involve all his orifices.
i don't feel good about this and i needed help fast so i asked my former mentor (who just may be my mentor again soon): what do i do? he suggested getting bob a part time job.
now it just so happens once i inquired at the dean's office, i was told that one of the child psych profs had to leave for personal reasons (sick i know, but the rumor is he had been raping his children for years....)LIGHTBULB MOMENT!
child psych happens to be bob's specialty: bingo, to make a long story short...he's subbing for month. heee----hawwww!
then i thought about it for more than a second: this means that i will now see him at school as well as at home! but thank god i do not have a child psych seminar this summer. but there is the uni gym where i'm likely to see him naked or clothed or working out. he makes this training face while he lifts that makes me melt into the ground like the wicked witch of the west. well: i'm not going to think about that.
so this is how and why i got bob a job. with my luck he will meet one of the dreaded, drop-dead gorgeous english lit majors and decide to run off with one of them. drat.
(i swear that since the july 4th bacchanal in central park i have been ghosted by these guys.i firmly believe that these dudes are vampires because i have only seen them at night, they always wear black, never eat and smell like earth)
for example:
vampire #1 (the one i almost had sex with in public and certainly did indeed make out with shamelessly.....and to make matters worse a fellow psych student told me yesterday that i was eating said vampires ass on that fateful night (when i asked my roomie about this he said nonchalantly: oh yeah, didn't i tell you that?... hmmm, was this why i had, what i thought was, lipstick on my mouth? or was it blood?)
so tyler how have you been? i haven't heard from you since the 4th.
me: yes, i have been very busy and i don't have your number. (wrong move!)
vampire #1: well here is my card.
( a college student with a calling card? is this edwardian england? OR: maybe he IS from edwardian england, heh?)
me: thanks jared (reading the card surreptitiously so as not to let him know that i don't remember his name). i will call you.
Vamp #1: you better! ( i swear this sounded like a threat/ also i swear his breath smelled of rat turds.
so, did i solve anything here? who knows?

music to listen to while you try to take your mind off wanting to fuck:
america the beautiful, the star spangled banner, anything by mussorskly, avoid anything by frank, ella, sarah, laura nyro, seal, stevie or take attivan and sleep as much as you can.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

the incredulity of the long distance runner....

last night i drank enough tequila to choke a horse and texted and chatted with friends until 5 am. i woke at 7, which would normally be the weekend starting time for my run through new york city. needless to say i guess, i was conflicted: do i go back to sleep, do i go back to sleep or do i go back to sleep? so i got up, put on my gear and headed out for the sure to be almost deserted streets of new york.
here are some of the things that i witnessed:
1. two older gentlemen (as in two men in their 70's and who looked very jewish, very "i have 6 children and 30 grand children" types, making out for real (tongues darting in and out of each others mouths) in front of carnegie hall. one was leaning against the facade and the other had his leg between the others...and i swear it was sexy and strange as hell. is everyone gay now or bi curious or WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? are grandparents now going into the darkness, also?

2. turning the corner from c hall, i saw jason statham come out of the carnegie deli with a very young (like 20, maybe) blond girl towering over him. he's very masculine, very sexy, very hot but short (though his bio says he's 5'11") but it doesn't really matter, i still lust after him. he saw me sweating in a manner that only those infused with loads of toxic tequila (from the night before) can sweat and said: "hey mate, nice trackers." just my luck, i see/meet, am greeted by jason stratham and all he mentions are my running shoes. now it is true by the time i had run from the uni to the c hall area i was drenched with sweat and looked like i had been pee'd on by an elephant and probably smelled worse: so what do i expect, heh?
3. in columbus circle (home of lincoln center)i run into a gaggle of lesbians protesting a supposedly anti-lesbian play that is being performed here. i never did get the name of it (i am supposed to be running here, right? not reading the sign work). anyway, a particularly virulent and nasty lez accosted me with: put your shirt on or you will be the only one the photogs will photograph and we are here to make a social as well as sexual freedom point!!!" ok, so how do i take this? is she complimenting me or dissing me? think about it and let me know. i never said anything to her and moved on to midtown.
4. mid town is my favorite part of nyc as it includes all the theaters, the huge HD tv screen, times square and all the usual stuff we all associate with new york. i especially like it on sunday mornings at 8 because there is hardly anyone around except for the horse cops...several of whom are very cute and go out of their way to say hello to me as they have now seen me many mornings in a row: sweating, running, sometimes looking as if i am going to die (as in this morning). one randy, sexy horse cop name of jed (i kid you not and to make it even weirder he is from fort lee, new jersey and his mother was/is a big fan of the "beverly hillbillies.") offers me a ride on his horse back to school. and though the thought of being so close to him, sweating like a pig with my arms around his back really really appeals to me, when he offers to have bagels and coffee with me in central park (which of course is on the way back to the uni)...i decline. and you know why i decline and his name is bob who is btw in maine celebrating his sisters birthday. damn!
i am positive that jed wanted to make the beast with 2 backs in the seclusion and privacy of an out of the way corner of c park...but nooooooo. though jed pouted a bit and looked crushed...i couldn't do it now could i?
4. nothing happened much on the run back to the university though i did witness several couples on the park avenue west side of central park fucking: certainly this has got to be against the law but as all of the horse cops are flirting with each other and with innocent bystanders both men and women...who would arrest them?
5. to make this seemingly sex-oriented themed run complete: when i get back to the dorm my roomie, who heretofore has shown no interest in sex either gay or str8,is nude and pumping his gigantic penis (and i only saw the part of the penis that was NOT in her)into a woman of about 50. they both seemed to be having a great time.
Ok: so what did i learn today?
1. everyone is gay.
2. don't drink too much tequila
3. eat more than trader joe's bittersweet chocolate with almonds if you must drink tequila
4. everyone and i mean everyone is having sex except me.
5. attempt to jerk off on or next to bob when he sleeps (and i mean sleeps) over so as to make me think that i am actually having sex with him. i mean it's better than jerking off into the mop bucket of the 4th floor cleaning closet at school, right?

music to listen to while you contemplate slitting your wrists: morrissey, the cure (especially "disintegration"), black sabbath (paranoid), theme music from "titanic," any opera with maria callas but especially the versismo ones like "tosca," and madama butterfly," tchiakovsky's "the pathetique." or you can ponder this by adonis werther: