saturday in new jersey: alone and carefree

saturdays are usually spent with dr. joan, mostly listening to her patients (all athletes) complain about their lot in life. many are sad, many are gay (about 40%) and many are not happy about their being gay. this perplexes me mostly because what can you do about that? of course analysis will help sort all this out but:
A. they've already conceded to their gayness.
B. they've already conceded that they hate it.
C. so: they now are in a situation in which they hate themselves for something that cannot be helped.
D.dr joan is pretty amazing in that she can reason this all out so that the patient leaves with the sense that they themselves have come up with the solution when it was really dr joan pushing them to that realization. duly noted, believe me.
i realize that the sports world is probably a worse world in which to be gay then say the armed forces. at least if you are a soldier, baracked with a 100 dudes in south carolina in the summer where as little clothing as possible is not optional, there is a good chance that you, as a gay dude, will get some action...even if that action involves your being ganged fucked (pleasurably, of course)by some hot sweaty, buzz cut soldier boys.
but in the sports world, you are rejected outright (and yes i know i am generalizing here...so bear with me)and thought of as a detriment to the team. i mean is anyone at all gay and out on any professional sports team except david beckham?
so on saturday in the wilds of fort lee with dr. joan (and i know i pseudo-named her something else in a previous post but i can't remember what that pseudo name was/is) i am concerned and i listen to the litany of usually 10 guys and women who basically cannot function in the world because they are gay. and this is 2008 or 1958? you tell me.
anyway: dr. joan called me this morning while i was on my way to her side (really i sit behind her)and she informed me that she had a family emergency and had tried to cancel all of her appointments but could not get in touch with her first two: and would i go to her office and wait for these two and inform them....blah, blah, blah.
of course, i agreed mostly because one of the two is a major hottie who plays college lacrosse and who, i think has taken a shine (as Moms used to say) to me. not that i would do anything about it, right? btw: lacrosse is not so conflicted about being gay, i think as he spends most of his time with us talking about his sex partners and how they treat him like a piece of meat...which, and i am compelled to say this: yes, the fuck he is: as in prime grade aaa beef! (not very professional,i will admit but lacrosse is unspeakably hot as well as kind and huggable as a well worn teddy bear)
and speaking of my bob he had plans to go to see "the phantom of the opera" (he IS getting gayer by the minute, isn't he?) with a college friend ( a dude named george who i pre-approved as someone suitable to accompany bob. in other words he is nice but a geek. he is also of course a psychologist with a major practice in nyc...anyway he is safe: married (as if that makes a diff, huh?). so bob is taken care of today and after 10am i am free as a bird to do as i like in the fair state of new jersey.
so back to lacrosse :he arrives on time at 10am, i inform him of the situation and he asks me if i have any plans now that joan will be gone. ok...i have to muster all of the courage and the restraint that i can. i think of the virgin mary,i think of jesus on the cross,i think of bob wearing that beautiful cashmere sweater i bought him for christmas last year, smiling at me as if i were the only person in the world....but finally i tell lacrosse (who is absolutely devastating in black levi knee length shorts (thigh muscles bulging out like virginia hams), a tight white armani tee and black leather flips with toes both sensitive looking and masuculine...if you know what i mean and yes timmy you do.
no...i have to get back to the city...i say. lacrosse says: are you sure you can't have just one cup of coffee with me? i somehow wake up (more like i snap out of it, really) from a reverie and find myself staring at his crotch for it seems like way way too long. when i look up he is beet red but smiling. i leave immediately.
i must explain that i did not consciously say to myself: self...stare at lacrosse's crotch for 2 minutes but indeed i did and i have no explanation but that it was the natural thing to do when a person is in my deprived condition.
so now: the rest of the day will seem boring to you all so i will merely list the inane things that i did in fort lee: (in chronological order)
1. starbucks (and you know of course who walked in as i was leaving, right?)
2. pedicure (performed by a chinese woman from vietnam who also spoke french, was married to a guy who also did nails there at the nail saloon and who was 20 years younger than she.)
3. barnes and noble: bought the new joyce carol oates.
4. wall-mart: because i had never been into one.
5. movies: saw batman again. ate a large popcorn, a butterfinger and a large diet pepsi. for some reason this time, batman made me cry almost from the first frame. i must speak to my analyst about that. (as you knw my analyst used to be bob...but now it is temporarily my former doc who lives in los angeles and who is also very handsome.his name is webster, or web and you would think by hearing that name that he is 5' tall and 300 lbs, right? no way. the first time i saw him i got dizzy, i swear).
6. bought a slice big enough for two people of pepperoni pizza
7. drove back to nyc.
8. saw james gandolfini in the car next to me. he waved at me. i smiled.
9. i miss bob.
peace,
tyler

music: check out the new music thingy on this page. i loaded it with some of my favorite music. i will change the selections periodically.