Monday, June 30, 2008

random thoughts and semi-fun

this is a fun game/amusement when you have nothing else to do or you are alone or with friends, stoned, drunk or ravenously bored.
click onto itunes, click shuffle and then forward to answer each question posed below:
What does next year have in store for me? “Free time”…kenna
What’s my love life like? “The same deep water as you”…the cure
What do I say when life gets hard? “Rockin’ around the Christmas tree”…Brenda lee
What do I think of on waking up? “not like crazy”…jill scott
What song will I dance to at my wedding? “tomorrow is a long time”…judy collins
What do I want as a career? “the night I fell in love”…luther vandross
My favorite saying? “like you’ll never see me again”…Alicia keys
Favorite place? “the confession”…laura nyro
What do I think of my parents? “sweet love”…kaskade
What’s my porn star name? “evil”…stevie wonder
Where would I go on a first date? “bullet proof soul”…sade
Drug of choice? “hain’t it funny”…k.d. lang
The thing I like doing most? “she sells sanctuary”…the cult
What is my state of mind like at the moment? “if I never see your face again”…maroon5/rihanna
How will I die? “overpowered”…roisin murphy

ok, it's only mildy humorous but i'm jazzed that my absoulte favorite song of this week came up: "if i never see your face again" by rihanna and maroon5. now, of course i know rihanna being the r&B fanatic that i am but i was bowled over by maroon5, who of course i had heard of because the lead singer is definitely suckable...but i first heard/saw this song performed on some mtv performance show and had to itune it.

bob has been gone for a few days now visiting family i think in maine. for all i know he may be visiting a woman...having monkey sex. but one of the things that bob isn't is a liar, he's so honest and straightforward that i know he is doing just what he said he would be doing and that is vising family and friends. and you know what? i miss him. i fucking miss his honest sweet ass and smile and the way he eats with his fork wrapped in his big hands like an axe protecting his food as if i were going to take it away from him. i hate myself for loving him or i hate him for loving him...i don't know which. and i don't know when i will know which.

school and interning is top drawer: crazy, topsy-turvy...i am always tired yet always horny: jerking off in public bathrooms, stairways...even rubbing myself on the elevator with others around. i have become a sex maniac through hard work and lack of deep sleep...through the honest endeavors of attaining a phd. this is my life now in nyc and i love it.

music: (of course) "if i never see your face again" (m5 and rihanna), "the first time ever i saw your face"(roberta flack),"smile" (laura nyro), "nested" (laura nyro),maxwell (whatever happened to him?...not the name of a song but a real question), "i try" (angela bofill) "angel" (aretha)...

Friday, June 27, 2008

bob is in maine and brokeback mountain is on.....

in many ways it is a bit of a relief not to have bob here for a week as he is in maine visiting family.
it gives me some time to reflect on what the fuck i am doing with a maybe gay, maybe str8 man who for all intents and purposes is particularly emotionally unsuited for me.
so, is he bi? bi men are the worst: they will never make the decision to go either way because the pussy or the cock is so plentiful. i mean why go either way if you can have both and feel equally turned on by one and the other? it's like heaven, ain't it? i have a friend scott who i have known since grade school who is bi and loves every minute of it. we were on the strand in manhatten beach one evening,we had just fucked and decided to get a bite to eat at the hermosa beach pier. in the time it took for us to walk to the pier from his house, he had made dates with another man for that night and with a woman for the next. but is he happy? yes, some 6 years after that night he is happy, un-married of course and is doing very well professionally. is bi-sexuality a panacea? who knows? is not wanting to commit to anyone and not feeling guilty about it a panacea? who knows?
bottom-line, we all need to commit sooner than later: to our lives, to our professions, schools and ultimately to one person.
can bob do this? i don't know but i have the feeling that because he is so emotionally malleable that i can force him to commit to me. i can emotionally coerce him to love me and to be happy for awhile.ok, i've said it and it is not pretty, i admit it. but it would be great for a while until he realized what was happening. then he would bolt. and i will be devastated, right? yes.
so what am i going to do? i honestly don't know as of this writing.
anyway, brokeback mountain is on and watching jack and ennis i think to myself: what the fuck am i belly-aching about?

music to ruminate to: verdi's requiem (price, pavarotti), jonas kaufmann, kaskade, stevie, marvin gaye (yes, let's get it on...seemed appropriate), heavenly, andy caldwell, alison moyet, duffy...

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

laura nyro

this blog has been gestating since i myself was gestating inside my moms womb. moms loved laura and played her incessantly while she were pregnant with me as well as during my entire childhood. my older sisters as well were immersed in the glorious music of this now deceased musical artist.
to listen to nyro's music is to be transported into a world in which nothing is taken for granted: a world in which Love once achieved and ensnared never goes away. Love for laura is a religion and she genuflects frequently at it's altar.
i inherited moms vinyl records and recently came upon nyro's "nested" released in 1978,6 years before i was born. there is a song contained therein "crazy love" that literally makes me gasp because the lyrics are some of the most heartfelt, emotionally and superbly well-considered and intelligent that i have ever heard: "pregnant with the knowledge and the flame of your true love" : "walk soft, talk soft like an animal on silent feet....on a block of snow..." who writes like this much less sings like this anymore?
nyro was from spanish harlem. she grew up singing with her crew on street corners. songs like "up on the roof" and "spanish harlem" both of which she recorded later in her life with patti labelle. nyro's version of love is filled with pathos and passion: a love that comes from due dilligence: from work put in, work often denied and rebuffed by its object. her music is at times both sweet and hard, both tragic and soft...but always transcendant as it comes from a place of truth and utter abandon. "Come to me" she is saying but come to me knowing that i am carrying the baggage of many love affairs: i have lost often but i have also loved...and that is what is really important.
laura nyro is an orginal and her music will last forever. i have always felt that the songs from her ode to nyc, "new york tendaberry" should be played at all of the yankee, giants and mets games in that they are pure, human and full of her personal view of life in nyc.
i'm sure she's looking down on us now smiling that sweet, bemused smile of hers wondering why we haven't figured out yet that love conquers all: that love is the answer to most questions, that love makes us whole, makes us real, makes us human, makes us crazy and isn't love really at the bottom line of most things that we do or think about, anyway?
music: nested, eli and the 13th confession,new york tendaberry, smile (all by laura nyro)

Saturday, June 21, 2008

saturday 6/21

bob and i and a couple of school friends, pascal and regine (yes they are french and smoke like chimneys and think it absolutely communistic that they cannot smoke anywhere they like in nyc. when i told them that they cannot smoke outside in most southern california restaurants they turned green like the incredible hulk and both shouted: "and this is the land of the free!!!!!????" i replied yes it is the land of the free you just can't smoke here and give infants and adults tb or lung cancer)
but they both are extremely cool and more importantly they "get" me. and people that get me are few and far between if you know what i mean, heh?
so we are going to balthzar (i know, i know...kind of passe' but the food is good) and then on to THE club. dare i mention it again? the damian (i know i have called him both damon and damian herein but his name is damian) club: the name of which escapes me and nobody i am going with know a thing about him or...
i am lending bob stuff to wear as he thinks he can wear his faded chinos and 90's era flannel shirts anywhere. i will make him look hot but not HOT. (oh shit it wouldn't make any diff he would look HOT in his chinos, etc.)
more tomorrow on this. i am twitching with anticipation.
music: nested (laura nyro), kaskade, minus the bear, rolling stones, jonas kaufmann, la boheme (freni, pavarotti)...

Friday, June 20, 2008

day 5

bob and i are getting along very far.
today is 1/2 day for me and we are going to spend the rest of the day in central park: he is dying to see strawberry fields which of course is right acros the street from where john lennon was murdered.
he also wants to walk broadway from macy's in herald square down to (up to?) columbus circle: this should be fun as there are about 5 thousand places to eat along the way...
more later tonight....
7:00 PM: we had a hell of a good time today: walked miles up and down and down and up broadway. one funny weird story though. i bought a hot dog off a cart just across the street from strawberry fields because i wanted to taste one. i had just eaten lunch so i took a bite and threw the rest of it away. well, fuck me but the hot dog vendor comes running up to me shouting: "whatsamattah u?" my water is clean, my hot dogs are fresh, why you no eat the whole thing???" "everyone loves my hot dogs...where you from, russia??"
so what do you say to this? nothing is what you say to this so bob and i just ran away like two little tail-between-our-legs bitches...

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

day 3

well, it actually has been fun having bob-o-licious here and only partly for the following reasons:
1. i once again saw his slammin' body naked: he changed his clothes in my dorm room so he had no place to hide it....and he doesn't wear
2. he made me dinner last night and though i was tempted to help him, as he doesn't do this very often, i didn't. it was fun and fueled by a couple of bottles of good cabernet, we had a very deep and revealing convo.
3. we kissed.......a lot. and yes it was as good as i knew it would be.
4. no, we didn't have sex but we were jammed up against each other so tightly that we may as well have had it.
so, today i am ditching most of my classes and we're going to spend the day together doing all the touristy things that people do here in nyc.
this i my question though: he is planning on being here through august, will we return to california and get married after that time or will we not be speaking? (which is going to be awkward as he is my phd dissertation dude and my academic mentor)
but i will think positive here and that we will remain friends no matter what happens or doesn't. in my experience continual close contact breeds not only contempt but boredom. (and yes i know that boredom is just another form of well on to becoming a clinical psychologist, remember?)
bob and i are getting along very well and he is about as sweet as a slice of pecan pie (have i used that phrase already?): what else can i ask?
btw: i almost shit a brick last sunday at a club in soho: i thought (underline thought)i saw damian. but no it wasn't him. damn.
music-wise: lots of kenna, seal (despite heidi klum getting a tatoo), laura nyro, eric satie, the doors, stevie, marvin gaye.....

Monday, June 16, 2008

he's here.........

8:00 am edt: (gulp)...more later.
7:52 pm update: bob attended my child psych seminar today and blew away the professor but now the prof hates me and wants him.
bob went back to his hotel to shower before we head out for dinner. (he can't stay with me because i have a roomie and because there is no room: he'd have to sleep on top of me as i sleep on a twin bed...)
more later.

958 am, 6/17/08 update: dinner was fun. no physical contact except for a hand shake. i have two very long seminars today so bob is going to take a tour of nyc and we will meet for drinks later. i slept (alone of course)the entire night with a boner.


Saturday, June 14, 2008

guess who's coming to lunch/dinner and breakfast?

well, so it goes like this:
i pick up my cell and say hello but i already know its bob-o-licious by the theme song i programmed to ring when he does call...which is almost never.
ok, so he says stuff like: how are you doing, how are you classes, how's the internship? is alice a better mentor than am i? have you met any guys? ok so now we are in the social banter area that i like: the nitty gritty. of course i analyze/digest this question as if bob is asking me to marry him. funny how we make these kinds of jumps with little to go on, huh? anyway before i answer him i have to think quickly: do i tell him about the dude i met last night and fucked? does the dude i met last night count? nah---. should i mention the psycho dude in the next dorm room who once he found out that i was gay...began to lasiviously leer at me while scratching at his smelly crotch (this guy never washes his 501's, wears no underwear (which i like actually)and therefore drips pee, semen and god only knows what else on said 501's. the crusher here is that george (that's his name) has just finished his phd including his dissertation AND got a prime position at harvard at their teaching go figure. anyway george is smelly but he gives me a boner nonetheless everytime i see him: maybe he did as well to his dissertation committee.
so how did i get here? oh yeah: bob.
anyway, bob is coming to nyc for vacation until just about the time that i leave for santa barbara. i'm thinking there is something brewing here in his mind that definitely involves me particularly when he says that he is going to e-mail me an itinerary and that i am included in his actvities everyday.
i don't want to break his heart (well, yes i do but in a good way as in the l word and i don't mean lesbian) but my time is likewise mapped out and it includes very litle time for fun, fucking or even eating but you all know for bob...things can change.
bob is arriving on monday 6/16: i'm scared shitless. scared that i have misread this whole trip and scared shitless that i haven't. help.
music: the new madonna eternally from the gay bois next door. i hate this cd now.
nested (laura nyro), mary j., music of my mind (stevie), jonas kaufmann, heavenly, the new hot chip which i am beginning to dislike immensely, santana's early stuff, chris cornell who is so sizzling hot that it makes no difference what he sings as i could and have jerked off to his photo fully clothed (him not me)....

Thursday, June 5, 2008

i'm here, i'm tired, i'm dedicated

i've been in nyc since monday, the day my classes and internship began. my room mate is cool as far as i can tell as he and i spend very little time in our room except to sleep (he snores btw). his name is jamie. he's from ft. wayne, indiana. that's about all i know about him.
classes are a fuckin' bear: intense, impossible, thrilling. this is the BIG TIME now.
my internship is with a no-nonsense woman and it is a relief in a way not to be interning with a in bob-o-licious in santa barbara. i'm going to call her alice though that of course is not her name. she is 50'ish, wears small round glasses over which she looks at me as if i were from mars: which makes sense i guess in that she is from staten island new york, married to a lawyer, has 4 kids and i am who i am. i don't feel prejudiced against just held to a higher level to which i must always aspire. in other words, she expects alot and i feel honor bound to work to achieve that.
boys: man o man...i had forgetten from last year how amazing the men are here. YOWZA!
i haven't met anyone yet but the weekend is coming up and my friend Mario is coming up from connecticut to spend it with me: which means PARTY!
music: muzak in the elevators at school and the new madonna cd that i hear seemingly all night from my dorm neighbors.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

off to new york city

i am sitting in the san francisco airport as i type this waiting for my flight to new york city.
last night the bros took me out for a final fling (not really final but a hiatus for 3 months) at q's and we proceeded to take over this str8 bastion of male and female pulchritude...par for the course. carlos and greg behaved. there were no arrests and we all got majorly fucked up. i was supposed to leave santa barbara last night late but of course i never made it to the airport so i left for sf this am.
though it sounds like i am going to nyc on a lark it is just the reverse: classes at columbia and an important internship with a clinical psychologist for 3 months. this time that i am going to spend in new york will be very important to me career-wise though of course i yearn to see damian again. you remember damian from last year: approached me at the end of the night at a soho bar asked me to go home with him (previous to thin we had spoken one word nor even exchanged glances), we proceeded to have the best sex that i had ever had in my life and then in the am he made me breakfast and sent me on my way. i think we exchanged about 10 words in 12 hours. it makes me weak in the knees (as my aunt says) to even think about him. i often think to myself: did this even happen? but oh yes it did.
so: on to nyc for 3 months. wish me luck.
traveling music: music of my mind (stevie), nested (laura nyro), mary j blige, heavenly, coldplay,kaskade, alison moyet...