Wednesday, July 30, 2008

i got bob a job!

it has become very difficult to be with bob in any form of interaction: eating, sleeping, watching tv, going to a concert, sitting next to him, listening to his urine as it hits the get the picture.
since we cannot have sex until bob is assured that his removal as my phd sponsor has been approved (which won't happen until i face the psychology dept firing squad or inquisition panel or whatever the fuck you call it....) in september.
and though i am at school or interning in new jersey i always spend most nights with bob. i mean i love talking to the guy, ,love discussing life, discussing movies, talking about the know, the works. but all of this contact, both physical and mental: IS DRIVING ME UP A WALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so, i got bob a job.
and even though it is just for a month or so until the end of the term, it will keep him busy, keep him away from me a bit (i know this sounds both nuts and mean)so that i can maybe, just maybe not have a hard on for 5 minutes a day as his mere presence makes me hard, makes me crazy, makes me want to rape him. i have even had dreams (or maybe i was awake, i can't tell) in which i tie him up and perform unnatural acts of aggressive sex on him that involve all his orifices.
i don't feel good about this and i needed help fast so i asked my former mentor (who just may be my mentor again soon): what do i do? he suggested getting bob a part time job.
now it just so happens once i inquired at the dean's office, i was told that one of the child psych profs had to leave for personal reasons (sick i know, but the rumor is he had been raping his children for years....)LIGHTBULB MOMENT!
child psych happens to be bob's specialty: bingo, to make a long story short...he's subbing for month. heee----hawwww!
then i thought about it for more than a second: this means that i will now see him at school as well as at home! but thank god i do not have a child psych seminar this summer. but there is the uni gym where i'm likely to see him naked or clothed or working out. he makes this training face while he lifts that makes me melt into the ground like the wicked witch of the west. well: i'm not going to think about that.
so this is how and why i got bob a job. with my luck he will meet one of the dreaded, drop-dead gorgeous english lit majors and decide to run off with one of them. drat.
(i swear that since the july 4th bacchanal in central park i have been ghosted by these guys.i firmly believe that these dudes are vampires because i have only seen them at night, they always wear black, never eat and smell like earth)
for example:
vampire #1 (the one i almost had sex with in public and certainly did indeed make out with shamelessly.....and to make matters worse a fellow psych student told me yesterday that i was eating said vampires ass on that fateful night (when i asked my roomie about this he said nonchalantly: oh yeah, didn't i tell you that?... hmmm, was this why i had, what i thought was, lipstick on my mouth? or was it blood?)
so tyler how have you been? i haven't heard from you since the 4th.
me: yes, i have been very busy and i don't have your number. (wrong move!)
vampire #1: well here is my card.
( a college student with a calling card? is this edwardian england? OR: maybe he IS from edwardian england, heh?)
me: thanks jared (reading the card surreptitiously so as not to let him know that i don't remember his name). i will call you.
Vamp #1: you better! ( i swear this sounded like a threat/ also i swear his breath smelled of rat turds.
so, did i solve anything here? who knows?

music to listen to while you try to take your mind off wanting to fuck:
america the beautiful, the star spangled banner, anything by mussorskly, avoid anything by frank, ella, sarah, laura nyro, seal, stevie or take attivan and sleep as much as you can.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

the incredulity of the long distance runner....

last night i drank enough tequila to choke a horse and texted and chatted with friends until 5 am. i woke at 7, which would normally be the weekend starting time for my run through new york city. needless to say i guess, i was conflicted: do i go back to sleep, do i go back to sleep or do i go back to sleep? so i got up, put on my gear and headed out for the sure to be almost deserted streets of new york.
here are some of the things that i witnessed:
1. two older gentlemen (as in two men in their 70's and who looked very jewish, very "i have 6 children and 30 grand children" types, making out for real (tongues darting in and out of each others mouths) in front of carnegie hall. one was leaning against the facade and the other had his leg between the others...and i swear it was sexy and strange as hell. is everyone gay now or bi curious or WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? are grandparents now going into the darkness, also?

2. turning the corner from c hall, i saw jason statham come out of the carnegie deli with a very young (like 20, maybe) blond girl towering over him. he's very masculine, very sexy, very hot but short (though his bio says he's 5'11") but it doesn't really matter, i still lust after him. he saw me sweating in a manner that only those infused with loads of toxic tequila (from the night before) can sweat and said: "hey mate, nice trackers." just my luck, i see/meet, am greeted by jason stratham and all he mentions are my running shoes. now it is true by the time i had run from the uni to the c hall area i was drenched with sweat and looked like i had been pee'd on by an elephant and probably smelled worse: so what do i expect, heh?
3. in columbus circle (home of lincoln center)i run into a gaggle of lesbians protesting a supposedly anti-lesbian play that is being performed here. i never did get the name of it (i am supposed to be running here, right? not reading the sign work). anyway, a particularly virulent and nasty lez accosted me with: put your shirt on or you will be the only one the photogs will photograph and we are here to make a social as well as sexual freedom point!!!" ok, so how do i take this? is she complimenting me or dissing me? think about it and let me know. i never said anything to her and moved on to midtown.
4. mid town is my favorite part of nyc as it includes all the theaters, the huge HD tv screen, times square and all the usual stuff we all associate with new york. i especially like it on sunday mornings at 8 because there is hardly anyone around except for the horse cops...several of whom are very cute and go out of their way to say hello to me as they have now seen me many mornings in a row: sweating, running, sometimes looking as if i am going to die (as in this morning). one randy, sexy horse cop name of jed (i kid you not and to make it even weirder he is from fort lee, new jersey and his mother was/is a big fan of the "beverly hillbillies.") offers me a ride on his horse back to school. and though the thought of being so close to him, sweating like a pig with my arms around his back really really appeals to me, when he offers to have bagels and coffee with me in central park (which of course is on the way back to the uni)...i decline. and you know why i decline and his name is bob who is btw in maine celebrating his sisters birthday. damn!
i am positive that jed wanted to make the beast with 2 backs in the seclusion and privacy of an out of the way corner of c park...but nooooooo. though jed pouted a bit and looked crushed...i couldn't do it now could i?
4. nothing happened much on the run back to the university though i did witness several couples on the park avenue west side of central park fucking: certainly this has got to be against the law but as all of the horse cops are flirting with each other and with innocent bystanders both men and women...who would arrest them?
5. to make this seemingly sex-oriented themed run complete: when i get back to the dorm my roomie, who heretofore has shown no interest in sex either gay or str8,is nude and pumping his gigantic penis (and i only saw the part of the penis that was NOT in her)into a woman of about 50. they both seemed to be having a great time.
Ok: so what did i learn today?
1. everyone is gay.
2. don't drink too much tequila
3. eat more than trader joe's bittersweet chocolate with almonds if you must drink tequila
4. everyone and i mean everyone is having sex except me.
5. attempt to jerk off on or next to bob when he sleeps (and i mean sleeps) over so as to make me think that i am actually having sex with him. i mean it's better than jerking off into the mop bucket of the 4th floor cleaning closet at school, right?

music to listen to while you contemplate slitting your wrists: morrissey, the cure (especially "disintegration"), black sabbath (paranoid), theme music from "titanic," any opera with maria callas but especially the versismo ones like "tosca," and madama butterfly," tchiakovsky's "the pathetique." or you can ponder this by adonis werther:

Thursday, July 24, 2008

random things i think about...

bob and i are doing very well for those of you that have asked. he is still here in nyc and we are having an old fashioned courtship, translation: no fucking, lots of kissing. the guy won't sex me unless the school has transferred me to another phd thesis sponsor. and this won't be official until we return to school in september. so i jerk off a lot in lots of out of the way places: restrooms, broom closets, against a tree, in a gopher hole, on the subway (yeah right!) know the regular.
anyway here are some random thoughts and situations:
i was driving today to my intern gig and watched as a stupid dude swerved to miss a car...he was driving something like 70 mph and nicked the side of said car and hit another car so hard that his car caved onto him, crushed his face and cut off the top of his skull. when i passed him, having had to swerve 3 lanes over to his right (w/o looking who was coming btw), his brains were visible and the front of his car was smashed up to his hairline. spooky. scary. disgusting.
and i am wondering: what was i thinking not even looking for other cars when i swerved over and what or who was protecting me, keeping me safe in that situation?

speaking of feet: if you are going to show them in public please have the decency to groom them, ok?

why is it that now when i run from the upper 100's to midtown : nothing ever happens to me? i mean is nyc used to me? no ass pinching. no name calling. no wolf whistles. no construction workers shouting at me to suck their dicks. am i now considered a veteran new yorker: a face in the crowd? i like this. it makes me smile and for some reason it makes me sad.

why is it that food just tastes better in nyc? hot dogs off the street, pizza....especially pizza...mama mia! and yes i know i follow the atkins way of eating but...yes but....

am i the only one who is enjoying the tv show: so you think you can dance? i love to dance and i love to watch good dancing. the contestant dancers this season are primo. catch a show and you too will be hooked.

batman: the dark knight. this movie is so brilliant: sad, moving, full of heart and thoughtfulness on the one hand and vicious and bloody on the other. it is especially tragic because of the outstanding "joker" of the late heath ledger. ledger was so moving in brokeback mountain that when i see that movie i am a mess over and over again as i watch the final scenes. such a tragic, stupid end for such a good actor who was at the very beginning of a career that i think would have taken him to better and better performances.

speaking of ledger and the rampant sleeplessness of those of us in our 20's: what's up with this do you think? so many of my friends as well as myself just can't fucking sleep well. i mean what collectively is happening here? you read so many articles about what happens to your health when you don't sleep enough. does this mean that those of us in their 20's now will be stark raving mad when we reach our
60's? will insane asylums be reopened to accommodate all the old and sleepless of the world in the year 2048? think about it.

getting rid of fat tip: lift before you run and you will burn 20-30% more fat during your run. i wonder if that will work if you eat 8 ozs of bittersweet chocolate after you run?

i am finding, through my interning with a sports psychologist this summer, that in a lot of her patients: athletes all...are gay and tortured by it. (btw: i am not betraying a confidence here as these people are not my patients per se and i am not naming chill) are there more gays in the world in general or is it just me? and athletes seem to be the most tortured by it even more afraid and scared by it than the rest of us. sad, really sad i think.

is it me or does there seem to be less caring going on in the world now? less caring for one another on a human-to-human level? i'm not particularly talking about THE war but about the war between people on a very basic level. i mean (and don't fucking snicker at me here, guys) help that old lady across the street, open a door for someone you don't know, pull out a shopping cart for the person waiting for you to pull yours your part. give the lousy drunk person some change. will 25 cents really make a difference to you in the short or even long run? do your part, be a mensch.


music to listen to when you are considering your life: the two requiems: mozart and verdi's, ella, frank, sarah, kaskade's heartbeat, madama butterfly...

Monday, July 21, 2008

i see you....

there is a shattering, emotional, tear duct emptying scene in amy tan's/wayne wang's
film, "the joy luck club" in which a studious, devoted, always thinking of others never herself daughter (moms recalls how at the dinner that has just ended her daughter passed on the excellent crab and served herself the less excellent quality crab so that others would have a better meal), confronts her mother after a family dinner. the confrontation is one in which the daughter voices things both shocking and infuriating to her mother. a confrontation in which the daughter accuses her mother of preferring others to herself, accuses her mother of not knowing her daughter's real self.
the mother turns to her daughter and says simply and honestly: i see you. her daughter turns away and the mother repeats more emphatically: i SEE you. (i see you for who you are she is saying. i see you for the good, caring person you are...for the selfless soul with which you have been blessed. i see you as a reward from God for all my struggles, for all my pain, for all that i strived for but could never attain)
moms understands her daughter even more than the daughter understands herself: a kind of understanding that only comes from knowing, paying attention, listening and of comes from loving. loving that comes from the gut. loving that comes from the eviscerating and total comprehension of another. it is also an easy love to feel because the object of your love is also your idol, your hero, your soul mate.
i crave this kind of transendental love. i hunger for this kind of love and understanding. i am on a daily search for this kind of love. god feeds my soul...of this there is no doubt.
i want bob to "get me" in this way. i want bob to see me.

music: mylene farmer, zazie, charles aznavour, stevie, marvin gaye, jill scott, kaskade (heartbeat especially), andy caldwell, frank, ella, sarah...

Saturday, July 19, 2008

how i got my ass kicked at futbol by a group of sneaky hondurans...

saturday july 19, 2008. i had planned to spend the day with my uncle michael, THE man in my life, but he and his lover decide to go to the metropolitan and i was in the mood to do something more sporty. bob, who is built like a quarterback, but who can't even throw a decent football pass ( he says he is an ace ice hockey player: something he doesn't get to play often in sunny sb) decided to join the uncs. (though nothing was said after i returned home but it got me to thinking: what was discussed between my very, shall we say inquisitive, concerned, protects me as a lion would protect his cub, uncle who loves me more than life and adopted me when he was younger than i am now and whom i love more than anyone in the world? i mean think about it: the two men i love most together for hours and hours with nothing in common except ME: what did they say?) hopefully, i will never know. and believe me, uncs would have told me if he had problems with bob. he's had most of today to say something and he seems very happy to be in nyc and to see me and of course, i...him. when i told him that bob was coming to dinner tonight (sunday) he didn't make that face...and we all know about THAT face: the one our parents give us when they disapprove. ok, truth: if uncs doesn't love bob as much as i do i will be majorly bummed. i must have his approval and consent. i mean: who will walk me down the aisle when bob and i marry in 2011?
so my roomie and i decide to play futbol with a pick-up team with which we often get together every saturday.
now bare in mind all of us, the pick-up team that is, are pretty good to excellent futbol players: all of us having spent our youth and beyond doing so. anyway, we are cocky, brash, all american, average height 5'9", "we can never lose at fubol" assholes.
after playing about 20 games here in central park and never having lost one, we scoffed at playing a group of short, real short hondurans and salvadoreans. well, you know what happened: we got our asses demoralized and fucked big time by these hondurans, etc. we stopped counting after their 10th goal to our zilch. it is a prime example and lesson in life: never judge a fucking book by it's cover, innit? and how many times have you heard that well worn phrase and merely sloughed it off. i am now here to tell you: IT IS TRUE, guys and gals.
to make matters worse we bet them $200 bucks which we were hard pressed to pull together.
after the game, we slithered out, our tails between our legs, our egos properly demolished. we headed to an irsh pub in mid-town to drown our sorrows. it took 3 shots of glenlivet, neat and a couple pints of guinness to make the humilation that had just happened to us bearable and to ultimately make us laugh. we'll survive, heh?
no, not until we order enough fish and chips with malt vinegar to feed a plow horse.
with all that beer and fried food sloshing about in my gut, i head back to the dorm and find the uncs and his man cleaning my room. if it were anyone else, i would have stopped them going through my stuff but with the uncs: arguing, pleading does not work so i sit myself in front of the tv and watch a brit gay film called "oh happy day" which is a kind of revelation in itself because the gay characters actually have lives and careers out of the bed. in fact cher is only mentioned once and the main characters are conflicted yet resourceful and possess a kind of maturity and intelligence not usually associated with US. but we know better now, don't we?
after uncs gets done with my room, the kitchen and the bathroom, goes to the freeway market to buy food enough for 2 weeks at least (btw: i have no storage room so we have to stack canned goods under the bathroom sink), we decide to stay in tonight, cook, probably smoke some blunt and watch something fun on dvd. i suggest "showgirls" but only get bemused smiles.

music: danny boy...

Wednesday, July 16, 2008


there is a chocolate (belgian) shop in rockefeller center that makes cocoa truffles with bittersweet chocolate innards that make you almost cum. ok once a few years ago...oh nevermind.
i go there sometimes alone, buy 2 of the above (15 bucks), watch the freak show: a combination of beautifully dressed business men and women, street people, tourists, japanese teens with braces, etc., etc., etc.
i stare, i get stared at, i get stared through. i smile, i get smiled at. i get ignored a lot. i honestly don't take this personally as those who ignore seem to have so much to do and so little time to do it.
i 86'd school today and hid out on the streets of new york. (no i did not tell bob as i needed a time out from him. but if i told him that he might have crumbled before my eyes...he has made and is making a huge emotional deposit in our relationship. as i have said several times about him: he is earnest and forthright and wants to do right by me: he's my gary cooper though he looks like the photos i've seen of gary cooper from the 1930' sexy of self, so warm of personality...)
ok: i walked from the uni near harlem to macy's on 36th street and to be honest i ate evertyhing i could lay my hands on: yes i was carbing it to beat the band!
today was one of those days in which i was comfortable in my own skin, able to enjoy my own company, found it unnecessary to enter into conversations with others...i was an island unto myself.
towards the afternoon, i saw that a new french film was playing and i was just lucky enough to walk by the theater just as the film was beginning. "tell no one" is the name: pretty brilliant ya know. a serious film based on an american thriller novel and adapted into a french milieu: about a woman's disappearance, the repercussions of said disappearance on the life of her husband who yearns for his wife to return as, because no body was ever found, his wounds refuse to heal: exactly the kind of movie that i wanted to see today. i was definitely in a pensive, what-is-my-life about, where am i going mood.
"tell no one" makes me once again realize how connected to france that i am. i spent many months over a period of 3 years (high school summers, actually) there (in paris) going to cooking school. i love the people, the language, the culture, the art and of course...the films.
i returned to my dorm room at 7pm to my roomie and bob waiting for me so that they could have dinner with me. they were deep in discussion when i arrived and i might have, in the past thought something was amiss: but not this night and not ever i think where bob is concerned. (i now worry that it will be me that breaks bob's heart. i dream about it. not good i'm thinking but i put it aside as best i can). though i ate truffles, gyros, pizza slices, diet pepsi and real ice cream sweetened with actual sugar...i smiled and sat down with my man and my room mate and discussed my day and marveled at how perfect ( i know i shouldn't say this as it will automatically go sour the minute i do)my life is now. does it get much better? (you can begin to retch just about here)

music: zazie, mylene farmer, chimene, gilbert becaud, charles aznavour, daft punk, kaskade, andy caldwell, alison moyet, stevie...

Sunday, July 13, 2008

lazy days and nights

muggy sunday morning in new york city: in order to spend a couple days with bob, i decided not to study this weekend.
sunday: this morning we ran to times square very early, stopped at the carnegie deli for bagels, lox and cream cheese, went to the gym and now we are in bed. he is asleep right now. i can hear him breathe as i type this. i could write things about how i like to watch guys sleep and how cute they look when they do so...but i won't.
about the run: 6 am, we ran down broadway to 44th street then crossed 44th to park avenue and then back to 121st street...even the street people were asleep. it was like the first scene of the movie, "28 days later." we didn't even see any police. it was like heaven or what i hope heaven will be like: a cosmopolitan city with everything you could ever hope for contained within 100 blocks: movies, theater, restaurants of all kinds, book shops, hot dog stands, gyro stands, shopping of every nature (not that i am a "shopper" per se...i'm one of those that knows what i want, finds it or not...and leaves the store). the run was uneventful except that bob was not used to running with me nor i with him. on the surface, you might think: so, what's up with that, huh? you put on your gear: trackies (stole this term for running shoes from a brit), black low rise sox, black cotton shorts, wife beater and tee shirt (which usually gets pulled off within one block of home but you need it if you want service anywhere in this town). you go out the door and you run, hopefully both in the same direction. one problem though: i am so used to running by myself that i do not speak while running as it interrupts my breathing. bob goes with his psychology cronies and i guess they speak continually : chatting about all sorts of things psychological or sporty.
so bob would ask me a question and i would give him a curt answer. after a couple of these he thinks that i am mad at him. then i have to tell him the solo runner philosophy and immediately I feel bad. so i make him stop and assure him that it has nothing to do with him. ok, i know: YAWN time.
all of the above is to let you know the following:
1. bob and i are doing very very well
2. we are going to watch the entire season of "mad men" with the dreamboat jon hamm on on demand today...13 episodes worth.
3. i will cook all day as i shopped yesterday at the freeway market and have a bunch of food and wine to last us all day and night.
4. i now know that bob can fall asleep at the drop of a hat even if he has just woken up. so this means that i will never get on a plane with him if i want company...because he will not be able to provide same as he will be asleep.
saturday night: we went to little italy with school friends (one cougar (an older sister of one of my friends)woman took a decidedly sensual interest in bob, actually touching his face...and of course she became someone that i had to re-adjust...if you know what i mean). the meal was great, the wine was better and then we were off to a soho GAY bar: a first for bob. it was sort of funny in that bob hung on to me like a little kid. think about it: this mature, together,buff dude afraid of a bunch of screaming (ok, only a few were actually screaming) queens. it was sweet. i assured him that i would protect him and that he had nothing to fear but fear itself.....(think about it my quoting douglas mac arthur in a soho gay bar??)
ok: so now i must get up and cook something for lunch (bob w/o fail eats what moms used to call: 3 squares)and do the prep for dinner so we can began to watch my secret boyfriend, jon hamm.

music: kaskade has become my new musical hero. go to itunes and search for "kaskade remixes." his stuff is danceable, dramatic, sophisticated. the guy is near genius. i love his music. UPPER RIGHT: check out kaskade's "move for me" and i dare you not to move your ass!

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

THE talk...and some toes

the bob stuff.we went to the 4 seasons for breakfast and the convo went like this:
bob: so i want to have breakfast with you and i want to tell you something....
me: ok ( at this point i am literally shivering as if i were waiting to be executed on death row)... i am here. talk to me.
bob: ok, i'll be brief and straight to the point. (like i want him to be anything else). i want to have a relationship with you.
me: ( having just had the best breakfast ever...perfect poached eggs and bacon) ok but what exactly does that mean?
bob: it means that i want to pursue a love relationship with you which does not mean that i am in love with you but that i am almost there.
me: pursue a love relationship? what does that mean?
bob: it means that i think that there is enough real feeling in me to pursue and take this forward to perhaps a love thing.
me: bob this sounds like you are negotiating for love not pursuing love. now how am i supposed to take this proposal.
bob: fuck you tyler! i'm trying to tell you that i think that i love you.
me: ok, now you've got my attention. but honestly: either you love me or your don't.
bob: that's just it: i'm not sure that i do love you but want to pursue the possibility.
me: that is probably the most bloodless declaration of love or maybe not love that i have ever heard.
bob: baby, can i try? i want to try.
me: yes. but you need to make your feelings more apparent, more obvious. we are talking L O V E here not the weather.
bob: ok, but you know that i have problems with this sort of thing.
me: problems or not, make your feelings known to me or it will never work.
bob: gotcha!
so that is how it started and that is how it ended. do i feel better after this convo? honestly, not really. what did i expect? a string orchestra playing in the background while bob, on his knees of course, pleading for my hand in marriage with huge tears dripping from his baleful eyes? frankly, yes. a pledge of undying love, spectacular sex anytime anywhere? yes. the keys to a montecito house close to oprah's? you bet! but i got what i got and there is no doubt that bob is serious and means every word of his carefully composed proposal.
frankly, i'm tired of giving bob the benefit of the doubt. but do i have a choice here?
he was so earnest and honest this morning that my brain tells me that he did the best that he could but my heart and soul is not so sure.

ok, the photo of my toes has nothing at all to do with the theme of this blog but timmy needs to see a pair of well cared for toes.....and he can do with them whatever he chooses.

music:the man i love (ella), my man (billie), why did i choose you? (steisand), been on a train (laura nyro), woman's work (maxwell), i try (angela bofill)...

Monday, July 7, 2008

he's back....

though of late (as in the last week or so)i have been telling myself that bob is not the man for me, that maybe (just maybe W) that our relationship is inappropriate: a "relationship" that heretofore has consisted of one chaste kiss...ok maybe not so chaste but only one nonetheless...once i saw him waiting for me after my internship today, standing in front of my face with a snug "i heart ny" tee shirt, black levis shorts and a pair of black leather flips, all his male pulchritude on view for all to see, i melted and all the feelings that i have tried to talk myself out of, all the emotions that i have covered with chocolate, red wine, anejo tequila and fucking under-grad hotties came forth unguarded, surrounded with magic.
i saw him after 10 days standing before me smiling, waving at me like i was returning from war, arriving after a long vacation and something very deep inside me erupted: is it love? is it admiration? is it the type of love that can be called brotherly...or is it the real thing? i don't know but i would be lying to him and to you if i said that seeing him again did not stir me to my core.
i mean, like a scene out of a fuckin' super romantic movie, we ran towards each other, embraced and yes kissed right there on 121st. street.
oddly enough, while in the throes of all of this i was thinking: is this a chaste, brotherly kiss or is this a we are gonna end up making the beast with 2 backs pronto kiss?
i know you want to hear something concrete here but i cannot give it to you. all i can say once again is: i do not know. we certainly did not have sex after that. what we did do is go to carmines on 44th street and eat or more to the point he ate and i watched him consume large quantities of wine and food. ok, i had some wine also.
and we talked about his trip and we talked about his family and i talked about school and my internship and our legs and thighs and arms were touching the whole time.he didn't move away from me and it felt good and it felt close.
he said he missed me and i concurred.
i DID say that when i get back to santa barbara and the university that i had to request a different phd sponsor and he said that yes that is what he had been thinking.
i purposely held back talking about US and he of course being the shy, is he gay or is he str8 surfer dude said nothing in regards to that.
all he said was: i need to talk to you tomorrow.
i said, ok. what i really wanted to say was: would you please admit that you love me and want me to have your babies, get married and live happily ever after...but that was not to be, at least on this beautiful day, in exciting mid-town new york city on monday july 7th, 2008.
until tomorrow.

love or romantic songs were in order after today, right?:
whenever, wherever, whatever (maxwell): the ultimate love song, the confession (laura nyro), an empty glass (peggy lee), i try (angela bofill), let's get it on (marvin gaye), the man i love (billie holiday or carmen mccrae), he's so fine (the chiffons) you don't love me when i cry (laura nyro)...

Saturday, July 5, 2008

odds and ends: the debauched

ok,so my roomie and i set off for coney island yesterday to witness the nathan's hot dog eating contest which began and ended in controversy in that the contest was chopped by 2 minutes which means that the two favorites Kobayashi and Chestnut had to consume what was predicted would be 66 hot dogs in 2 minutes less than last year: a contest that chestnut won.
at seven minutes, chestnut began to struggle with the puke reflex. with one minute remaining, kobayashi pulled ahead by three dogs. both finish with 59 dogs!

a five dog eat-off will determine the winner. The first to eat the five is the winner. Chestnut wins in a photo finish!
(My opinion - I could not see that Chestnut had shoved in all 5 overtime hot dogs any more than Kobayashi. This should have gone to Penalty Hot Dogs.)

so ok, a little controversy on a warm july4, roomie (he doesn't want me to use his name as all of his friends supposedly secretly read this blog (IF his friends secretly read this blog, how does he know...???)and i decide, since we have a few hours before we hit central park, the concert and the dynamite partying...that a beer or two would be in order. so begins the debauchery, act I.
we find a place that taps guinness and london porter and we proceed to spend 4 hours drinking, NOT eating and getting to know each other which seemed like a good idea since we had been sharing quarters for a month.
we pry ourselves off the bar stools at about 3 pm, go back to the dorm, gather our contributions to the july4 central park concert and we are off. act II.
there are about a dozen uni students there, a keg, multiple bottles of red and white, a huge sandwich from dean and deluca oh yeah and 3 hot guys : under-grads from the, of course, english department (for some reason here most english students are guys and most are cute). we eat, we drink, we drink, we drink, we eat, we listen to the concert (i have no recollection of what was played), we drink. you get the picture. 2 of the english dept dudes are str8 but one, the cutest if you ask me was gay. his name is roger and, after chatting him up and obscenely flirting with him, i somehow found myself on top of him, making out. from what i remember we had a grand time and as for making a spectacle of ourselves in this huge mass of people: nah---------.
by no means were we the only horn dogs doing what comes naturally to horn dogs. to be honest, some str8 couples were even fucking...under blankets of course. (this sounds like what happens at an nine in nails concert or, according to moms, woodstock, right?)
this morning the convo between roomie and me:
roomie: (laughing) you two made a spectacle of yourselves
me: did we get naked?
roomie: no but....
me: ok, so we kept out clothes on then?
roomie: but you were on top of him making licking sounds and you had your tongue down his throat and you were tumescent...
me: boy, sounds like you were pretty interested in what i was doing, huh? tumescent? tumescent??? who talks like that?
roomie: you were lying down right next to me, what else was i supposed to do
me: you could have participated, you could have moved, you could have ignored us. ///
roomie: yes but that isn't all of it.
me: does it involve one of the other of the marginally str8 english lit guys?
roomie: yes, so you remember?
me: yes. (i smile)

we somehow make it out of central park and to the dorm seemingly unscathed when the odd, strange phenomena known as "dialing fingers" hits me. i text and call over a dozen friends in santa barbara on our drive home and chat their heads off. to all of you: mea culpa mea maxima culpa! i hope i was nice. most likely i was merely long winded and joyously drunk.

btw: someone (not me, i swear) sat on my beautiful white chocolate ganache cake but we ate it anyway: i mean it didn't smell of ass or anything and actually complimented the primo red burgundy i brought. roger liked the combo also. (err, i supposedly fed roger cake with my fingers...hmmm...i did have white stuff which i was hoping was not ganache all over my black levi shorts)

so, all in all, a good time was had by all. the only problem was that this am i woke up with a decidedly blue-tinted testicle.

recently listened to ipod songs: i can't wait (original flavor mix) andy caldwell, chicago masters ep...chicago dj rasoul, sing (moto blanco remix)annie lennox, effets secondaires...mylene farmer, a taste of honey...morgana king, a tisket, a tasket...ella fitzgerald, in the wee small hours of the morning...frank sinatra, open up (full vocal mix)...leftfield, soul shelter...sander kleinenberg, rise (eric kupper remix)...samantha james....

for no other reason than that i think it is salaciously funny, there is this photo stolen from another blogger's blog (thanks, chris!)

this is jon hamm. he is slammin' hot. i actually wrote a whole blog on jon a month or so ago. i was just thinking about him as i sit here in the uni library. his series "mad men" is first rate and as you can see he just oozes sex appeal. yowza.

Friday, July 4, 2008

short and sweet 7/4/08

the 4th: i plan to go with some school friends to a huge concert in central park at which i will consume large quantities of: animal flesh, new york rye, new york kosher pickles, california and french reds, chocolate ganache cake (which i will make and bring), vanilla ice cream (which we all will churn)and whatever else people bring. i plan to have a good time.

i mentioned maxwell (the r&b singer) this week...and i bave been listening to his stuff almost non-stop since.
songs to check out on youtube by him:
woman's work, whatever, whenever, whatever, ascension.
maxwell sings literally like an angel: he is in a class by himself. i hope he puts out some new music soon.btw: his mtv unplugged concert is primo!

Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest: for the first time ever, i will go watch this yearly hot dog consuming contest:

Takeru Kobayashi, left, of Japan poses for photographs with last years hot dog eating champion Joey Chestnut, of San Jose, Calif., during the weigh in news conference for the Nathan's Famous International Hot Dog Eating Contest Thursday, July 3, 2008 in New York.

have a groovy 4th!

Wednesday, July 2, 2008


whereas i was in tip top shape during the regular school year as is expected of one, as in me, who plans to become a sports psychologist. right now, as in this morning i hit the road (as in running)and the gym after a month or so of not doing so.
i looked at myself naked in the mirror this am and genuinely felt that i looked pretty good but i didn't feel up to par so it was back to my training schedule.
and for those of you that have never run down a nyc street at 6 in the morning or at any other is an experience not to be believed.
my university is way up broadway and i wanted to run to times square and back. times square is at 44th street and broadway. in the 160 blocks to and fro the following happened:
1. i was ass pinched and slapped
2. i was called a fuckin' fag
2a. i was also called a meat head and a fuckin' man ho (?!)
3. i was slapped across the face by a street person
4. i was groped in the groinal area by a street unknown
5. a preppy school fuck tried to trip me
6. a group of mid-town women stuck their collective tongues out at me
7. i stopped in the upper west side for a bagel and smoked salmon but once i got my order i realized that i had not brought any money and was questioned by the police who threatened to take me in for vagrancy
8. seemingly safe back on campus, i tripped and landed on my ass and now have a huge bruise on my upper thigh....
i can't wait to see what tomorrows run will bring: yeehaaawwww...i feel so alive!
the rest of the workout was tough, very tough though a week from now i will be fine.

mr. bob called me this afternoon to let me know that he wants to stay another few days and asked me if i minded (which means i will be w/o him for the 4th: fuck!):
me: yes i do but i want you to have lots of time with your family so that they can leave their beautiful house to you (he sent me pics) and after we are married i will have you murdered...then i will inherit the house....
bob: you are incorrigible
me: i didn't think anyone used that word anymore
bob: i do
me: yes you do
bob: do you miss me?
me: yes i do
(bob's mom in the background): bob hurry or we'll miss the flower show
me: she's kidding, right?
bob: no she isn't. she's dead serious and i am going to drive her there
me: you're a dutiful son
bob: i didn't think anyone used that word anymore...
me: i do
bob: yes you do

you gotta love a man who loves his moms, huh?

my top 10 most played itunes songs (be aware that i only use my ipod when i run):
10. situation (richard x remix) yaz
9. sun red sky blue kenna
8. let me know roisin murphy
7. get the balance right depeche mode
6. don't look back telepopmusik
5. daylight kenna
4. let me know (joey negro remix) roisin murphy
3. don't you love me (ronan's disco vocal) andy caldwell
2. steppin' out kaskade
1. amazing (bill hamel remix) seal