Tuesday, August 26, 2008

The Teachins of Peaches

one of the great things about summer is peaches. bbq's half peaches dusted with brown sugar and cinnamon served over home made vanilla ice cream. fresh peach pie with real peach juice whipped cream.
eating ripe cool peaches (never refrigerate fruit!)on a hot day with the juices flowing down your naked chest.
feeding peaches to your baby cousin while her small feet kick with excitement from the sweetness and the fact that her big cousin is paying attention to her.
then there is peaches.
(click the ipod off before you play the video)


Sunday, August 24, 2008

the soul patch

i am not a fan of facial hair though i will admit that on some guys a nice stubble is sexy. beards are always uncalled for in any situation: unless of course you are playing freud.
bob has grown a soul patch and, don't tell him i said this: but it even makes him look sexier than i think he already is.
here's a famous dude with one, though i can't quite place him, i think that he is in a band: (it goes without saying i hope that bob has refused to appear herein)

so: there you have it. the soul patch. i dig 'em. i will grow one and look like a geek probably then i will quickly shave it off.
the closing olympic ceremony is on now and it is as spectacular as the opening: directed and produced again by yimou zhang.
not much of a blog but there you have it.
oh yeah: i saw "elegy" with penelope cruz and ben kingsley based on a novel by philip roth and being such it is about a old geezer (kingsley) lusting and leaving a young beautiful woman (cruz). it is rothian in that the man is presented as the master, the super human embodiment of all things male though roth must be well into his 70's. the cruz character is nothing more than a sexaully pliant plush toy though she is, away from the kingsley character, an intelligent college student. "elegy" is pretentious and ugly.
i despised "elegy" and wanted to bolt from the theater but bob kept telling me to stay and hold his hand because he was shocked and frightened that a film released in the new millennium could/would be so anti-women. (women should be picketing this film)
it took a couple of shots of tequila anejo to clear our heads after that.
music: rachmaninov...i love the piano concertos and "eugene onegin" but the vocalaise
playing now while you crank the sound down on your computer is one of my favorite pieces of music ever. it is quite haunting and very very beautiful. it always makes me feel better when things are not going well. listen to it. it is not long. you will be better for it, i promise.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

men that i would fuck if given the chance....

which is not likely to happen but nonetheless a guy can dream, can't he?

jon hamm. this man is so broiling hot that it really defies reason. he's on amc's "mad men" and though looking at him in a photo is orgasm inducing, check him out in motion on camera. he plays a ny ad man with a past that he has chosen to put aside and from which he moves away.
joe and i would live in connecticut probably new canaan. i would see patients during the day in our den while joe would take the train to nyc and ply his wares as.....yes an advertising executive. we will have 1 1/2 kids, 2 dogs: a cream pug and a rottweiler. we would vacation in ibiza. jon loves to go to nude beaches and play ice hockey. we will grow old gracefully and i will take a lover when he is unable to satisfy me sexually (he is 13 years older than me, afterall). he will handpick said lover for me and film us when we fuck.

jared padalecki. i have been in love with jared since seeing him for the first time on "the gilmore girls." he is very tall, has beautiful feet and his screen personna is of the ahh shucks, gary cooper variety which never fails to make me hard.
jared and i will move to hawaii and buy a sugar cane plantation. by day, jared will work the fields while i drive into honolulu to see patients. at night we will make love nonstop. we will eat coconut meat and drink local beers. life with jared will be easy and free-wheeling. we will spend the rest of lives together and when in our 40's we will adopt a family of orphaned mexican children.

jason statham. anyone who has seen "crank" will know why i love jason: he is sexy, muscular, ironic and just loads of fun. women love jason, men love jason, dogs love jason.
jason and i will live in london but not in notting hill but in belgravia. we will have 3 bull dogs and walk them together hand-in-hand nightly. our life will be one of movie sets and orgy clubs. we will vacation in rio and bali: places in which clothing is optional. i will not get jealous when people gawk at jason's massive cock because jason is a one man man: me.
jason and i will not have children as we will consider each others company enough.
jason will die when he is 52 and i will inherit all of his earthly goods and money which i will use to set up a foundation that will fund platic surgery for the homeless.

jakub stefano. if for no other reason, i am in love with jakub for his beautiful feet. jakub is a native of the czech republic yet we will lead a wonderful life in paris. jakub will be a house father caring for our 5 children while i work on the rue del'homme attending to the needs of frazzled parisians.
life with jakub will run the gamut between attending the paris opera and watching jakub sharpen his skills as a bull fighter.
unfortunately, jakub will leave me when i am 30 and will run off with a 15 year old girl from lyon. the french courts will award me everything and jakub will lead the life of boheme with his 15 year old and will ultimately die of consumption when he is 45.

last year, when i decided to take polo lessons, i met wally. wally is from argentina but teaches the art of polo here in santa barbara. wally is not the most handsome man in the world (BUT, check out those lips!) but he makes up for it with his sterling ability to make me laugh.
i actually consulted a hit man to murder wally's wife but geeked out w/o going through with the hit.
i will always consider wally the man that got away: except for one night more than a year ago after an especially tiring, hot and dusty horse riding lesson. nuff said.
wally (and no that is not his real name: i mean who in argentina is named wally, heh?)will eventually leave his wife and we will ride, two on a horse, to the pampas in argentina where we will marry. i will raise the children while wally teaches fat, bored argentinean girls to ride. i will grow fat from all the beef and gristle that i will consume but wally will not care one bit:
"mucho más al amor" he will tell me daily. oh well.

so, there you have it for now. more on this subject later. when? who knows?
i can now take "i try" off automatic play. good idea, huh?

Sunday, August 17, 2008

"don't you think i'm good enough for you?"

i often think of moms especially when i listen to the music that she played during the day while cleaning and doing her housewifey stuff...whatever that entailed. remember that i was only five when she and pops died, so these memories are very old, recalled behind a veil of tears, loss,regret and wonder...always wonder.
as is often said of people that die young: my parents will always be young, beautiful and, in my mind at least, smart, funny and bursting with life and as an extension laughter. they laughed a lot, we all laughed a lot.
my uncle michael is my mother's brother and when i spend any amount of time with him, the conversation always includes talk about moms: her singular walk, her reaching into her pocket and applying lipstck a 100 times a day. i ask the uncs: how was she as a child? was she good in school? did she ever want to be a psychologist? did she ever tell you that she loved me?
ok: so the music, always music playing in my parents home. as i have said before laura nyro was a favorite of moms and has also become a genuine favorite of mine.
(thinking about this only now and not aware of what was really happening in moms life)i remember that moms loved playing, what i now call, love songs that make you want to slit your wrists: case in point..."i try" by angela bofill now playing on my ipod thing on this page. i love this song.
one time i put this song on when bob was over and i walked out of the room so he would be forced to listen to it. i really wanted to see if he would relate, if he would have something to say about it or if he would ignore it (this would not have been good). bob is by nature emotionally reticent often incapable of expressing his feelings to another person. he does open up with me, of course. it has to do with trust and he trusts me...and i him.
(you might be thinking: how is it that someone whose career it is to open up others emotionally cannot himself open up? good question but having been a patient of his for several months and going into that same profession myself soon i now know that it is not the therapists "job" to open up to his patients but the other way around)
so anyway: bob and the song, "i try." he loved it and wanted to hear it again. when he had heard it again he said: that woman who is singing is very desperate, she is also very sad. she sounds beaten down. there is only just a shred of hope there, innit?
i remember coming back from i guess 1st grade and hearing "i try" playing and moms sitting at the kitchen table, drinking a cup of coffee (or i assumed it was coffee) and trying to hide from me the obvious tears falling from her eyes. i don't think that there is a worse feeling than seeing your mother cry. internally and externally actually i went a little crazy. i wasn't her big boy at that moment. i was a blubbering, scared shitless little dweeb who wanted her to stop, wanted to know what was wrong.
she covered up her sadness with a smile and a short laugh and proceeded to feed me.

Friday, August 15, 2008

"will you come inside me"

" you can see inside me...will you come inside me?" i love these lyrics and song by minnie ripperton a precursor to mariah carey though one with no attitide and miles of talent. minnie died a number of years ago but left a ream of beautiful music, "come inside my love" being one of her best.
so how did i come to know this song and minnie ripperton? the sopranos. there is a scene inside of the bada bing in which the pole dancing women are sensually moving to this song and i had to find out what it was and who it was by.
speaking of barebacking and coming inside your partner's ass hole: there is definitely a mystery tied to this most verbotten sex practice. i personally have never shot my load up another dudes ass. i am of the safe sex generation, we do not cum inside anyone's love. unless: we are lucky enough to be with the same person for awhile and the tests consistently come back negative. kinda takes the fun out of it all, huh?
and fuck have i been tempted to let go and just forego the rubber and do the nasty the way it was designed to be done. yes. but never have as of yet.
good news: the uni psychology board has agreed to take written testimony from me in regards to changing my phd sponsor: soon i will be enjoying the sweet sweet lovin' of one sexy fuck, bob. my fears? all this build up, plain and simple. will i be disappointed? will he be disappointed? will he be able to even do it with a guy? remember he never has up to this point.
anyway: on other fronts. timmy is in my hometown going to the abbey in weho and acting like a proper so cal gay: uppity, careless, being a bitch and forgetting all that europe has taught him. no, i'm just fucking with ya. i have no idea what he is experiencing but i do know that weho tends to make you gayer than you might usually be. the castro in san francisco is like venice while weho is more like Ibiza: raw, obvious and crazy: not a bad thing i admit.
london is imminent. having some time off is imminent. fucking with my main squeeze is imminent. i'm scared. can he see inside me?

music: hear minnie's come inside my love on my ipod thing on the right on this page.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

"London is full of Whores and Queers"

nonetheless, i am going to london for a week in about 3 weeks with mr. bob.
i have to make a very very quick trip to santa barbara to meet with the phd inquisition board to change ny phd sponsor from bob to web. (or the inquisition board may accept written testimony: keep your fingers crossed)
web was my previous phd sponsor and is also slammin' hot but he is with someone else. we have known each other for so long our relationship has slipped cozily into friendship: a major growing up thing for me as in the past i would glomm onto a hot man despite the ethical implications.
so web and i are friends, he is smart and concerned about my future and he also became a licensed clinical psychologist at 27. he is now the ripe old age of 29.
the cool thing about web and is that we share the same birthday: december 22.
bob and web are also friends and tenured professors though from different schools.
london: sex, theater, soho, notting hill, the tate, restaurants (gordon ramsey's of course).bob and i will surf wherever we can. we will stay at the dorchester...at my insistence...just because that is where elizabeth taylor always stays.
right now i am winding down in nyc: both school wise and personally. i have become a celibate, i pray daily, i eat only chocolate and drink pinot noir. i wax my entire body and i have shaved all my hair off. i wear only muslin caftans and have stopped working out. i troll central park for tricks in which i perform all sorts of disgusting sexual acts on more than disgusting men and women for 50 cents.
i am content. i am happy. i often return home with my rectum filled with the rancid cum of 100's of men. i gladly remove said cum with a turkey baster and use the contents to feed my many orchid plants. they gobble the human food ravenously and grow to gigantic proportions.
i am ready for london. and london is ready for me.

music: listen to my blog ipod and learn more about me than anything that i have ever written here.

Friday, August 8, 2008

it's new york city, after all......

i forget sometimes where i am/have been the last few months. though l love los angeles as i would a sister, i adore new york.
i forget how lucky i am to be here getting a taste of the greatest city in the world. and though some would paint new york as a city that is hard to get to know, i personally have not found her to be so.
i visited nyc several times before my last and this years stay here as a student and intern but it is not until you live here that you get to really know her.
take this for example:
pretzel vendor in columbus circle: so sweet cheeks (as she takes me in with her eyes from head to bare toes) what can i do for you? if it is more than a pretzel and mustard, i get off at 8 pm....hehehehe.
me: ahhh, a pretzel with cheese sauce please...extra cheese food please...oh yeah and a diet pepsi, m'am.
vendor: you can do better than that, can't you?
me: ok, how about a cheddar pretzel with a diet black cherry with extra whole grain mustard (i say sheepishly because frankly this woman is freakin' me out)
vendor: now you're talkin', here's my card,(a street vendor with a calling card? is this a new trend or what? wasn't it one of the vampires that had a calling card also?) call me if you get hard up for a good fuck (being offered sex on the street is a nyc thing, i guess. nothing like this would ever happen in santa barbara, believe me. on the other hand what if i would have said something like: sure babe, let's do it here and now?)
me: how much?
vendor: 0 bucks for you, give me a call.( i did leave her 5 bucks in her can, though)
me: (blushing from head to flip clad toes) ok thanks ma'am.
vendor: you call me m'am again immagonnacut your balls off, get it kid?
me: yes m'am..i mean yes, thanks
so did this horny 60'ish street vendor confine her sexual pursuits on me?
how do i know this? she pulled her sex scam on a 50'ish chubby dude who tried to buy a pretzel right after me.....i heard her...ha!
just to counterbalance all the seeming adulation of above...this:
me: i'd like a new york times please
newsparer vendor: what? you blind? there it is, grab one and pay me and get the fuckoutta here, charm-boi!
me: thanks, man. i haven't been called charm-boi yet today.
news vendor: what youamuthafuckinsmartass: move along or i'll pull those street sunglasses off your nose and stomp them....(ok, i'm basically a chill type of person but this scrawny fucked up dude is making my scalp itch.so you know i was wearing ray-ban wayfarers, yeah? i probably should have just slunk away fron this all at this point but i wanted to play with the crazy man a bit more...)
me: eat my ass, pervert! (always good to ask the crazy dude to do something gay...just so that he will let loose...even more)
news vendor: yeah you'd like that wouldn't you, fag-boi!
i have had a number of these altercations and with each one i get better at it. at first i just sort of looked sheepish and freaked out then with each one i got it! i got the who's and the why's: ya know...what the rules are of this particular kind of game called: how to deal with street people whether they be vendors or..err...street people. it's all a game to see who can "get to" the other. it is also a way for the vendors to find out who the tourists are and who are not.
i have graduated with honors, i think into the realm of the indigenous people: new yorkers as it were.
my dorm neighbors are students here at the uni, they play madonna incessantly, smoke so much dope that it seeps under the thin walls between us and generally have sex with each other and others as much as is humanly possible.
one of my neigbors is frank. frank is cute, 20 ish, lean, cut, eats whatever he wants and never works out though sports a ridiculously insane physique.
anyway, frank and i walked to campus together yesterday and i learned that frank was only recently frank...i.e. he was heretofore francine. oh yeah and francine is a prostitute and oh yeah: francine is a cwad...a chick with a dick. so all the sex i hear happening is francine satisfying straight guys with her penis which she navigates into their mouths and anuses. francine charges 1000 bucks (she says) and asks if bob is unattached. all i said to her was: ask him. ( what i like about francine is that, assuming she really does make 1000 bucks a trick, she continues with her education and her phd is in physics mind you...makes you think, huh?)
everyone here has a story to tell. everyone here is more than willing to tell you that story whether you want to hear it or not.
i love it here and i am sad that i will be leaving soon. more about nyc later.

THE OLYMPICS OPENING CEREMONY: WOW! Yimou Zhang, director of the sublime "house of the flying daggers" and the even more over the top art directed "curse of the golden flower" (the formations in the ceremony echo the formations in both of these films) has designed, produced and directed this breath-taking spectacle.


music: listen to the ipod. choose a song, play it and let me know what you think.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

the doggy days of summer.....

i realize that i am now obsessed with sex: unequivocally and relentlessly so. i see sex everywhere i go...or i imagine it everywhere i go, i'm not sure which.
this morning outside the steps of my dorm, two dogs are fucking and i get hard.
outside the campus entrance i see 5 couples french kissing and crotch bumping each other and i get hard.
(i could very well have imagined all of this, my vision is often blurred, my crotch often inflamed with the stench and infection of millions, even trillions of dead sperm cells)
on top of all of this my ex (an auto mechanic no less but a freud reading and comprehending one...hersh is an emotional volcano..one minute happy, the next pissed...ok, ok: a classic manic depressive. but when he was sweet and on there was no one better to me in and out of bed) has been calling me: it's as if he smells my panic and sperm heavy testicles all the way from santa barbara.
he says he wants to come to nyc, he wants to make love to me. he misses me. he says he made a mistake booting me. i said: huh? i booted your crazy ass, hersh! (not a particularly savvy comment from someone in my chosen profession but i can't really be held responsible, ya know?
anyway, i get several texts from hersh a day but he is as far away from me physically as i am close to bob. fuck, bob: what to do?
is this what love really is? is deprivation the way to redemption? what? am i becoming a monk for the love of bob? is being 35 (soon to be 36)as bob is, mean that you can really control everything in your life: sex, love, career?
i just don't know. is it shallow to want to wallow in the physical love of your man?
there is a movie, the black narcissus with deborah kerr as a nun in africa or some such country and all the nuns are hot for a sexy, daisy duke wearing though very sexy english dude who has eyes only for kerr. kerr, always the epitome of reserve and devotion to god ignores him. towards the end of the film, all the other nuns go into a kind of whirling dervish dance: discarding their clothing as the dance progresses to a macbeth/witches stirring the pot thing and the screen goes black...this is the 1940's after all. anyway nothing much happens. the catholic church packs all the nuns up and sends them back to france or belgium and everyone is better for the experience except kerr who dares to wish and hope that she gets to see the daisy duke short wearing english dude again.
so this is how i feel: like kerr with the dd wearing english dude as bob. this probably makes no sense and i actually don't care. take the last paragraph as you will, my friends.
anyway: the part of my life of which i do have complete control is my education: all is a-ok, going well, going as planned. i have made some great friends and am going out tonight with a couple of psych dept friends to drink and dance. bob will plan his lesson for tomorrow. another thing: except for when he works out, bob never fucking sweats! it is hot and humid here in nyc and i sweat like a pig, bob doesn't: he is so self controlled that he remains dry and composed. i often just lay my head on his lap and smell his crotch. lol: i am ridiculous, huh?
so tequila and diet tonic and dancing should help tonight but if the vampires show up, i may be in trouble.

Music: check out my ipod thing to the right. listen: this is the stuff i like and listen to every day.

Saturday, August 2, 2008

saturday in new jersey: alone and carefree

saturdays are usually spent with dr. joan, mostly listening to her patients (all athletes) complain about their lot in life. many are sad, many are gay (about 40%) and many are not happy about their being gay. this perplexes me mostly because what can you do about that? of course analysis will help sort all this out but:
A. they've already conceded to their gayness.
B. they've already conceded that they hate it.
C. so: they now are in a situation in which they hate themselves for something that cannot be helped.
D.dr joan is pretty amazing in that she can reason this all out so that the patient leaves with the sense that they themselves have come up with the solution when it was really dr joan pushing them to that realization. duly noted, believe me.
i realize that the sports world is probably a worse world in which to be gay then say the armed forces. at least if you are a soldier, baracked with a 100 dudes in south carolina in the summer where as little clothing as possible is not optional, there is a good chance that you, as a gay dude, will get some action...even if that action involves your being ganged fucked (pleasurably, of course)by some hot sweaty, buzz cut soldier boys.
but in the sports world, you are rejected outright (and yes i know i am generalizing here...so bear with me)and thought of as a detriment to the team. i mean is anyone at all gay and out on any professional sports team except david beckham?
so on saturday in the wilds of fort lee with dr. joan (and i know i pseudo-named her something else in a previous post but i can't remember what that pseudo name was/is) i am concerned and i listen to the litany of usually 10 guys and women who basically cannot function in the world because they are gay. and this is 2008 or 1958? you tell me.
anyway: dr. joan called me this morning while i was on my way to her side (really i sit behind her)and she informed me that she had a family emergency and had tried to cancel all of her appointments but could not get in touch with her first two: and would i go to her office and wait for these two and inform them....blah, blah, blah.
of course, i agreed mostly because one of the two is a major hottie who plays college lacrosse and who, i think has taken a shine (as Moms used to say) to me. not that i would do anything about it, right? btw: lacrosse is not so conflicted about being gay, i think as he spends most of his time with us talking about his sex partners and how they treat him like a piece of meat...which, and i am compelled to say this: yes, the fuck he is: as in prime grade aaa beef! (not very professional,i will admit but lacrosse is unspeakably hot as well as kind and huggable as a well worn teddy bear)
and speaking of my bob he had plans to go to see "the phantom of the opera" (he IS getting gayer by the minute, isn't he?) with a college friend ( a dude named george who i pre-approved as someone suitable to accompany bob. in other words he is nice but a geek. he is also of course a psychologist with a major practice in nyc...anyway he is safe: married (as if that makes a diff, huh?). so bob is taken care of today and after 10am i am free as a bird to do as i like in the fair state of new jersey.
so back to lacrosse :he arrives on time at 10am, i inform him of the situation and he asks me if i have any plans now that joan will be gone. ok...i have to muster all of the courage and the restraint that i can. i think of the virgin mary,i think of jesus on the cross,i think of bob wearing that beautiful cashmere sweater i bought him for christmas last year, smiling at me as if i were the only person in the world....but finally i tell lacrosse (who is absolutely devastating in black levi knee length shorts (thigh muscles bulging out like virginia hams), a tight white armani tee and black leather flips with toes both sensitive looking and masuculine...if you know what i mean and yes timmy you do.
no...i have to get back to the city...i say. lacrosse says: are you sure you can't have just one cup of coffee with me? i somehow wake up (more like i snap out of it, really) from a reverie and find myself staring at his crotch for it seems like way way too long. when i look up he is beet red but smiling. i leave immediately.
i must explain that i did not consciously say to myself: self...stare at lacrosse's crotch for 2 minutes but indeed i did and i have no explanation but that it was the natural thing to do when a person is in my deprived condition.
so now: the rest of the day will seem boring to you all so i will merely list the inane things that i did in fort lee: (in chronological order)
1. starbucks (and you know of course who walked in as i was leaving, right?)
2. pedicure (performed by a chinese woman from vietnam who also spoke french, was married to a guy who also did nails there at the nail saloon and who was 20 years younger than she.)
3. barnes and noble: bought the new joyce carol oates.
4. wall-mart: because i had never been into one.
5. movies: saw batman again. ate a large popcorn, a butterfinger and a large diet pepsi. for some reason this time, batman made me cry almost from the first frame. i must speak to my analyst about that. (as you knw my analyst used to be bob...but now it is temporarily my former doc who lives in los angeles and who is also very handsome.his name is webster, or web and you would think by hearing that name that he is 5' tall and 300 lbs, right? no way. the first time i saw him i got dizzy, i swear).
6. bought a slice big enough for two people of pepperoni pizza
7. drove back to nyc.
8. saw james gandolfini in the car next to me. he waved at me. i smiled.
9. i miss bob.

music: check out the new music thingy on this page. i loaded it with some of my favorite music. i will change the selections periodically.