Sunday, July 27, 2008

the incredulity of the long distance runner....

last night i drank enough tequila to choke a horse and texted and chatted with friends until 5 am. i woke at 7, which would normally be the weekend starting time for my run through new york city. needless to say i guess, i was conflicted: do i go back to sleep, do i go back to sleep or do i go back to sleep? so i got up, put on my gear and headed out for the sure to be almost deserted streets of new york.
here are some of the things that i witnessed:
1. two older gentlemen (as in two men in their 70's and who looked very jewish, very "i have 6 children and 30 grand children" types, making out for real (tongues darting in and out of each others mouths) in front of carnegie hall. one was leaning against the facade and the other had his leg between the others...and i swear it was sexy and strange as hell. is everyone gay now or bi curious or WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? are grandparents now going into the darkness, also?

2. turning the corner from c hall, i saw jason statham come out of the carnegie deli with a very young (like 20, maybe) blond girl towering over him. he's very masculine, very sexy, very hot but short (though his bio says he's 5'11") but it doesn't really matter, i still lust after him. he saw me sweating in a manner that only those infused with loads of toxic tequila (from the night before) can sweat and said: "hey mate, nice trackers." just my luck, i see/meet, am greeted by jason stratham and all he mentions are my running shoes. now it is true by the time i had run from the uni to the c hall area i was drenched with sweat and looked like i had been pee'd on by an elephant and probably smelled worse: so what do i expect, heh?
3. in columbus circle (home of lincoln center)i run into a gaggle of lesbians protesting a supposedly anti-lesbian play that is being performed here. i never did get the name of it (i am supposed to be running here, right? not reading the sign work). anyway, a particularly virulent and nasty lez accosted me with: put your shirt on or you will be the only one the photogs will photograph and we are here to make a social as well as sexual freedom point!!!" ok, so how do i take this? is she complimenting me or dissing me? think about it and let me know. i never said anything to her and moved on to midtown.
4. mid town is my favorite part of nyc as it includes all the theaters, the huge HD tv screen, times square and all the usual stuff we all associate with new york. i especially like it on sunday mornings at 8 because there is hardly anyone around except for the horse cops...several of whom are very cute and go out of their way to say hello to me as they have now seen me many mornings in a row: sweating, running, sometimes looking as if i am going to die (as in this morning). one randy, sexy horse cop name of jed (i kid you not and to make it even weirder he is from fort lee, new jersey and his mother was/is a big fan of the "beverly hillbillies.") offers me a ride on his horse back to school. and though the thought of being so close to him, sweating like a pig with my arms around his back really really appeals to me, when he offers to have bagels and coffee with me in central park (which of course is on the way back to the uni)...i decline. and you know why i decline and his name is bob who is btw in maine celebrating his sisters birthday. damn!
i am positive that jed wanted to make the beast with 2 backs in the seclusion and privacy of an out of the way corner of c park...but nooooooo. though jed pouted a bit and looked crushed...i couldn't do it now could i?
4. nothing happened much on the run back to the university though i did witness several couples on the park avenue west side of central park fucking: certainly this has got to be against the law but as all of the horse cops are flirting with each other and with innocent bystanders both men and women...who would arrest them?
5. to make this seemingly sex-oriented themed run complete: when i get back to the dorm my roomie, who heretofore has shown no interest in sex either gay or str8,is nude and pumping his gigantic penis (and i only saw the part of the penis that was NOT in her)into a woman of about 50. they both seemed to be having a great time.
Ok: so what did i learn today?
1. everyone is gay.
2. don't drink too much tequila
3. eat more than trader joe's bittersweet chocolate with almonds if you must drink tequila
4. everyone and i mean everyone is having sex except me.
5. attempt to jerk off on or next to bob when he sleeps (and i mean sleeps) over so as to make me think that i am actually having sex with him. i mean it's better than jerking off into the mop bucket of the 4th floor cleaning closet at school, right?

music to listen to while you contemplate slitting your wrists: morrissey, the cure (especially "disintegration"), black sabbath (paranoid), theme music from "titanic," any opera with maria callas but especially the versismo ones like "tosca," and madama butterfly," tchiakovsky's "the pathetique." or you can ponder this by adonis werther:


Anonymous said...

Wow, what an interesting read. I really really need to move. I see none of this though groups of lezzies make me nervous (I think you can take said lez's comments at face value and as a compliment in her non interested and venomous way).

And everyone is gay, except for your roomie who we guess likes cougars? Maybe buy a fleshlight? I dunno! Glad you doing well Tyler--

tyler said...

hey c:
glad to hear from you again. i know that there is major psycho-social significance to the seemingly large number of str8's going to the darkside: maybe i'll write a book about it, go on oprah and make milions.

Tim in Italy said...

Gad, that was a terrific post! Maybe people are finally starting to get it. Love who you want, when you want... either that or you were sweating enough pherones to arouse the entire island.

I'd take the lady's comment as a compliment. Even she, in her Sappho way, recognized the beauty of your naked torso as diverting attention from them. That's quite an admission. It's a good thing she didn't see your feet!

tyler said...

i was sweating so much that i was forced to drink the water at a public fountain so as not to de-hydrate and die on the streets of new york: on which i probably would still be lying; with pedestrians walking over me, not wanting to get involved.
well from what i saw yesterday morning i would say that many facets of our society are giving sex another try. or they are giving another kind of sex a try: either one or both.
i would just like to have some sex with someone else other than myself all.


dit said...

sounds like a sex filled day. Someone has some sex on the brain. lol

I love the way you describe NYC. It is so true. Makes me want to book a trip. Maybe this fall.

Interesting and good post Tyler.

tyler said...

damn, i'm 23 years old, i haven't had sex with anyone else but ME in it seems decades, so what else would i be thinking
maybe my vision of everything was colored by the above but sex was everywhere yesterday.
on top of all of this, with all this running, i am losing weight...which i don't want as i am also losing muscle if i don't fuck something or someone soon i am going to be a 100 lb!

WillySmith said...

Naw, thinking of doing yourself in? Listen to Tebaldi's attempt at Norma. It'll push you over the edge.

tyler said...

tebaldi as norma?????? THAT i've got to hear.

holagatito said...

I absolutely adored the part about the old gentlemen making out. It is sexy, in a strange way - I'll give you that. Perhaps it's the shock of seeing the older generation so comfortable with who they are that makes it provocative.

Or perhaps you're into peepaws doing the durty.

Regardless, great post :)

tyler said...

thanks for the positive comments.
i also love to see older str8 couples holding hands, being in love: it gives me hope.