Tuesday, June 28, 2011

guys that i would like to fuck if i could, part 2

part 1 was almost three years ago so i figured it was time to update the list. this time i have decided to include dudes that i have actually fucked. so in those cases the title would be: guys that i have fucked that i would like to fuck again.
it is doubtful and in reality impossible to have any of these guys once much less twice for a number of reasons too numerous to go into to here.
ok. so this sean. we met at a soho bar. it was 3 years ago and we only fucked once but obviously i still think about him. here is the story: 2 am. we have glanced at each other off and on the whole night. at last call i walked past him. he pulled my arm and said: come home with me. i went. we fucked. it was amazing. end of story. i want him again. how do i have his photo? i stole it from his bedroom. do i regret it? the stealing no, the not having him again yes.
sean and i will get married in a biker bar in newark and sean's brother earl would officiate. we would honeymoon in niagara falls and conceive our first child there. we would eventually have 5 kids and sean will stay married to me for 40 years. we will have a simple life together: gardening for our food, become vegans and letting all of our body hair grow in. we would be natural guys. sean would eventually die of consumption from breathing gasoline fumes while fixing the cars of the neighborhood teenagers who would pay him with blunts. i will mourn for him until i die at 90: poor, bone thin yet happy with thoughts of joining my sean in heaven.
jared is a carryover from 3 years ago and wouldn't you know it? we haven't met yet. but he has in those 3 years grown wings. he is an angel. he comes from heaven, this explains his other worldly body. i love him.
jared and i will live in hawaii hardly ever wearing clothing, we will be pineapple farmers and sell our wares at weekly farmers markets. we won't have much money but we will have many children, smoke a lot of reefer and surf daily.
jared will die at 40 during a horrific typhoon and leave me millions of dollars he hoarded away in our beach lean to under the banana leaf flooring. i would never find out the source of the money but as i get older and unable to get sex for free, i will use this money to buy cute rent boys. jared would approve.

this is oliver: i know an odd name for such a natural, cigar smokin',bourbon guzzling, slightly red neckish dude but his mother was a big fan of the comedy team laurel and hardy (oliver) and so there you have it.
oliver told me that he had to become buff because he had to fight all of his life to defend his mothers right to name him OLIVER.
i almost met oliver a couple of years ago in bentonville, arkansas. and by almost i mean we had a date to meet at a bar via facebook but he never showed up.
oliver and i carried on a webcam "relationship" for a year and to say that he was orgasmic would be denying his full impact. he is a sexy fucking guy.he reeks of sex appeal. and this is not a performance: he is what he is and both men and women flock to him and wait to be chosen. nice work if you can get it, yes?
i never heard from him again after his not showing up. i guess he was married with 8 kids and his wife found out that he was going to meet up with me and that we would w/o a doubt have raunchy, disgusting sex fueled by booze and god knows what else. maybe oliver will see this and contact me. yeah...right!

this is rodrigo santoro. he is beautiful. he is an actor. he kissed nicole kidman in a chanel perfume tv ad. look into his eyes and you will know why i love him and why i want him to have my babies.(btw: when i asked him about kissing nicole he told me that it was like kissing a marble statue...cold and hard)
in fact, rod and i will have many children: 10 at least. 5 boys and 5 girls. rod will leave his career to take care of them. i will see patients in milan while he washes diapers and milk bottles. he will learn to be a primo cook and will prepare home made, natural baby food which he will turn into a huge business in europe.
rod will develop the ability to nurse our children afterall he has the nipples and a huge maternal side. the milk flows naturally from his big brown nips.
several times a week he and i will sneak out to my audi 800 and have sex; the screams waking up the neighborhood, making the dogs bark and waking up our 10 kids. one time a neighbor calls the police because she thinks that i am murdering rod.
we live until our 90's and continue to have sex until the very end. all 10 children grow up to be professionals: doctors, lawyers and indian chiefs. rodrigo leaves me his money and i galavant all through europe bedding every man that money can buy and some that dont charge me. i die during a heated fuck with a distant relative of attila the hun. i literally fuck him to death: mine.

ok so here we have a professional chef, chuck hughes who owns a terrific restaurant in montreal. chuck is a sexy mofo who obviously can show me a good time at the dinner table and in the bed, or kitchen table or out back among the garbage cans. he is not as sleek as rocco di spirito nor homey as mario batali but he can cook and nothing to me is sexier than a man who can cook me some good food.
chuck and i will travel the world looking for new ingredients from which to devise the next big food trend. we will never marry but we will be together for many years. we will decide not to have children because of our serendipitous lifestyle. in our 80's we will settle down in lake como in italy, living next door to george clooney. we will farm, ski and buddy around with george who by this point will be over 100. i will become clooney's caretaker and change his diapers and chuck will make him gourmet baby/adult food. we will have a good life, never regret not having children and devote our lives to each other instead of to children. we will die in a terrible car accident on the autobahn and leave all of our worldly goods to the sisters of mercy.
so there you go. love is often just beyond our reaches though we all indeed reach, claw for it. it's often a fantasy. and it never hurts anyone to fantasize, innit?
nothing better than this to get you into a romantic mood:

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