vampires, damian and oh yes: my last summer here as a student

yes, it is time for me to once more, and for the last time as a student, go to nyc and columbia for advance psychology classes and seminars.
in a week, i will be there: smack dab in the morningside heights (way upper west side, almost harlem really) area of nyc at good ole columbia university. this year i will drive with dennis,my new canaan friend, from chicago. not a long trip i don't think but dennis, being dennis....it will be a fun and interesting drive.
i will once more intern with a clinical/sports psychologist whose practice is on the upper west side very near columbus circle.
new york city has been very special to me always. even as a child the uncs brought me there for vacations and we went to the opera and ballet and to central park (strawberry fields) to listen to him reminisce on how important the beatles played a part in his life.
i was immersed in his memories of nyc for years but now i have my own: once again strawberry fields, carnegie deli, the university, running down broadway to 36th where macy's takes up a whole city block and of course the vampires and the many things that transpired last year on the 4th of july: making out with one of the vamps, watching the nathan's hot dog eating contest on coney island, watching two gay men in their 70's making out in front of carnegie hall on a hot sunday morning and my transexual prostitute neighbors who sucked off old men in order to pay their tuition.
i have a life i think in nyc and though i have always felt that i would practice in southern california, nyc now seems like a viable possibility.
i will once again live in the dorms but will now live alone yet among other university students.
to be honest it will be a relief to be alone and far away from bob and all the emotional shit that that entails. i will be able and look forward to seeing dennis and his moms and pops in new canaan connecticut. new canaan is/has always been a source of good stories, innit?
much life, many memories, some sadness, lots of learning and experiences await me there. and how can forget damian. damian: one of the hottest fucks of my whole life. we didn't even exchange names until the next morning. i am wistful: overly so i admit about him. oh well. one of the many pleasures of nyc is the men. men of all shapes and sizes, all ethnicities: a cornucopia of manhood.
i look forward to it: now more than ever. wish me luck.

it's been a long time since i have written down my thoughts in this blog. it's about time, innit?
the breakup with bob lingered and festered and made me physically sick. yet, i was never more committed to my studies as i have been the last few months. strange, huh?
i guess anything to avoid the reality of the man that i loved left me. the man that i thought that I would spend the rest of my life with didn't want me anymore. the man with whom i planned to have children left because "something was missing."
we loved each other: all the fibers of my being tell me that this was true...on both our parts.
i see bob daily as he is a professor here at ucsb. when i see him i want to run away. and many times i did. i couldn't bare to see him, to look into his beautiful face, to hear the beautiful tone of his voice, to notice how well he looked.
but now some months later, i am better. i can and do deal.
the pain is lessening. i can talk to him now without too much trouble.
my friends have been a big help and so has the uncs though he has had his own, more physical problem with which to deal.
i am surviving because of the love that surrounds me. i may not be loved by that special person but i am enveloped in the love of friends and family.
i will move on. i HAVE moved on.
i often wonder what i would do, what would i feel if i saw bob with another guy or even a woman and i know that i would feel as if a stake had been driven through my already swollen and hurting heart. but maybe not.
i thank god on a daily basis that i have my studies to keep me busy. my internship with a local sports psychologist helps me put my life into perspective...believe me. i hear stories of real pain and anguish on a daily basis and i think: you fucking fool and YOU think that you have problems??
i have started, as this is part of my studies, to counsel athletes on any number of problems psychological in nature, that can affect performance.
i have even had a couple of dates and fucked a couple of dudes: signs that lead me to believe that i am really moving on. a couple of months ago i closed up emotionally and physically: i did not jerk off for weeks. i turned off all emotions except those that i felt for the uncs and for my friends. i turned down dates. the thought of spending time with a man made me physically ill.
the fact that i am even writing here is a good sign: of this i am sure.
music also helps and there is so much of it around me lately. minnie ripperton once again is helping me to survive: laura nyro also. nyro...the music of my Moms. the music she played while she cleaned the house when i was so so young.
i look at my uncs and i can see my mother there inside him. (he is her brother)
he looks at me with concern and love when i smile at him and say: i see you there, i know that you are watching over me. i guess he thinks that i am speaking to him and i leave it at that. why would i want to hurt the one man in my life on whom i can really count?
so 3 readers: i am here. i am good as i can be. i will survive. school has never been better and i look forward to my last school in nyc this summer: vampires i'm coming back!
thank you to the few of you who have kept in touch via my e-mail. you have been of major help to me and i will never forget you for this.
peace,
tyler

supplication

satriani approaches the altar of jeff beck and kneels in supplication....

i need you tonight.....

sometimes i need this song to get me through. maybe to wallow a bit as she is wallowing in the deep recesses of unrequited love.
listen. relate if you can.
peace,
tyler

deadmau5

if all else fails.....DANCE!
study, classes, work, working out, being with friends,going out and dancing. these are the things that have helped me in the process of getting over bob.
also: talking to my counselor has definitely helped. the odd thing is that i didn't automatically think that i needed counseling which is EXACTLY what i needed.
i'm better. i will go on with my life. i hurt still as an unhealed wound smarts when it is accidentally touched.
peace,
tyler

it's over...for now

i guess it was bound to happen: certainly if you listened to my friends who would almost daily tell me how wrong/disjointed/crazy/ silly, unfathomable it is/was/ will always be.
i love and trust my friends but when you really love someone and by that i mean: REALLY love from the deepest and darkest regions of your heart and soul love...no one can tell you anything. they all tried to set me on the course that they would walk if they were in the same position that i found myself.
and i found myself about a year ago faced with the man of my dreams: youngish, handsome, vulnerable, physically and mentally strong/ what's not to love, heh?
there was no big bang, no big explosion, no huge argument. we parted as friends a week ago and we will remain friends.
the age difference was too much to overcome maybe. maybe he misses women. but he loves me: this much i know. this much he has told me. but something is missing and neither of us can pinpoint it: which may very well be the problem.
this morning was the first sunday morning in a long time that he wasn't here with me, stumbling out of our bed, hair askew scrounging for coffee and food. i missed that and i missed him.
but hey: he will also miss me. of this i am sure. this is about all that i will say about this. i am going to be really corny here and quote a phrase from one of my favorite, if not my very favorite poem:
WHEN your face
appeared over my crumpled life
at first I understood
only the poverty of what I have.
Then its particular light
on woods, on rivers, on the sea,
became my beginning in the coloured world
in which I had not yet had my begninning.
I am so frightened, I am so frightened,
of the unexpected sunrise finishing,
of revelations
and tears and the excitement finishing.
I don't fight it, my love is this fear,
I nourish it who can nourish nothing,
love's slipshod watchman.
Fear hems me in.
I am conscious that these minutes are short
and that the colours in my eyes will vanish
when your face sets.

peace,
tyler

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!

here's hoping you have someone warm or even cold next to you tonight: my 5 readers.
thanks for the support all year.
chet or chaka: couldn't decide...so you get both
peace,
tyler