chocolate

there is a chocolate (belgian) shop in rockefeller center that makes cocoa truffles with bittersweet chocolate innards that make you almost cum. ok once a few years ago...oh nevermind.
i go there sometimes alone, buy 2 of the above (15 bucks), watch the freak show: a combination of beautifully dressed business men and women, street people, tourists, japanese teens with braces, etc., etc., etc.
i stare, i get stared at, i get stared through. i smile, i get smiled at. i get ignored a lot. i honestly don't take this personally as those who ignore seem to have so much to do and so little time to do it.
i 86'd school today and hid out on the streets of new york. (no i did not tell bob as i needed a time out from him. but if i told him that he might have crumbled before my eyes...he has made and is making a huge emotional deposit in our relationship. as i have said several times about him: he is earnest and forthright and wants to do right by me: he's my gary cooper though he looks like the photos i've seen of gary cooper from the 1930's...so sexy of self, so warm of personality...)
ok: i walked from the uni near harlem to macy's on 36th street and to be honest i ate evertyhing i could lay my hands on: yes i was carbing it to beat the band!
today was one of those days in which i was comfortable in my own skin, able to enjoy my own company, found it unnecessary to enter into conversations with others...i was an island unto myself.
towards the afternoon, i saw that a new french film was playing and i was just lucky enough to walk by the theater just as the film was beginning. "tell no one" is the name: pretty brilliant ya know. a serious film based on an american thriller novel and adapted into a french milieu: about a woman's disappearance, the repercussions of said disappearance on the life of her husband who yearns for his wife to return as, because no body was ever found, his wounds refuse to heal: exactly the kind of movie that i wanted to see today. i was definitely in a pensive, what-is-my-life about, where am i going mood.
"tell no one" makes me once again realize how connected to france that i am. i spent many months over a period of 3 years (high school summers, actually) there (in paris) going to cooking school. i love the people, the language, the culture, the art and of course...the films.
i returned to my dorm room at 7pm to my roomie and bob waiting for me so that they could have dinner with me. they were deep in discussion when i arrived and i might have, in the past thought something was amiss: but not this night and not ever i think where bob is concerned. (i now worry that it will be me that breaks bob's heart. i dream about it. not good i'm thinking but i put it aside as best i can). though i ate truffles, gyros, pizza slices, diet pepsi and real ice cream sweetened with actual sugar...i smiled and sat down with my man and my room mate and discussed my day and marveled at how perfect ( i know i shouldn't say this as it will automatically go sour the minute i do)my life is now. does it get much better? (you can begin to retch just about here)
peace,
tyler

music: zazie, mylene farmer, chimene, gilbert becaud, charles aznavour, daft punk, kaskade, andy caldwell, alison moyet, stevie...

lazy days and nights

muggy sunday morning in new york city: in order to spend a couple days with bob, i decided not to study this weekend.
sunday: this morning we ran to times square very early, stopped at the carnegie deli for bagels, lox and cream cheese, went to the gym and now we are in bed. he is asleep right now. i can hear him breathe as i type this. i could write things about how i like to watch guys sleep and how cute they look when they do so...but i won't.
about the run: 6 am, we ran down broadway to 44th street then crossed 44th to park avenue and then back to 121st street...even the street people were asleep. it was like the first scene of the movie, "28 days later." we didn't even see any police. it was like heaven or what i hope heaven will be like: a cosmopolitan city with everything you could ever hope for contained within 100 blocks: movies, theater, restaurants of all kinds, book shops, hot dog stands, gyro stands, shopping of every nature (not that i am a "shopper" per se...i'm one of those that knows what i want, finds it or not...and leaves the store). the run was uneventful except that bob was not used to running with me nor i with him. on the surface, you might think: so, what's up with that, huh? you put on your gear: trackies (stole this term for running shoes from a brit), black low rise sox, black cotton shorts, wife beater and tee shirt (which usually gets pulled off within one block of home but you need it if you want service anywhere in this town). you go out the door and you run, hopefully both in the same direction. one problem though: i am so used to running by myself that i do not speak while running as it interrupts my breathing. bob goes with his psychology cronies and i guess they speak continually : chatting about all sorts of things psychological or sporty.
so bob would ask me a question and i would give him a curt answer. after a couple of these he thinks that i am mad at him. then i have to tell him the solo runner philosophy and immediately I feel bad. so i make him stop and assure him that it has nothing to do with him. ok, i know: YAWN time.
all of the above is to let you know the following:
1. bob and i are doing very very well
2. we are going to watch the entire season of "mad men" with the dreamboat jon hamm on on demand today...13 episodes worth.
3. i will cook all day as i shopped yesterday at the freeway market and have a bunch of food and wine to last us all day and night.
4. i now know that bob can fall asleep at the drop of a hat even if he has just woken up. so this means that i will never get on a plane with him if i want company...because he will not be able to provide same as he will be asleep.
saturday night: we went to little italy with school friends (one cougar (an older sister of one of my friends)woman took a decidedly sensual interest in bob, actually touching his face...and of course she became someone that i had to re-adjust...if you know what i mean). the meal was great, the wine was better and then we were off to a soho GAY bar: a first for bob. it was sort of funny in that bob hung on to me like a little kid. think about it: this mature, together,buff dude afraid of a bunch of screaming (ok, only a few were actually screaming) queens. it was sweet. i assured him that i would protect him and that he had nothing to fear but fear itself.....(think about it my quoting douglas mac arthur in a soho gay bar??)
ok: so now i must get up and cook something for lunch (bob w/o fail eats what moms used to call: 3 squares)and do the prep for dinner so we can began to watch my secret boyfriend, jon hamm.
cheerio.....peace,
tyler

music: kaskade has become my new musical hero. go to itunes and search for "kaskade remixes." his stuff is danceable, dramatic, sophisticated. the guy is near genius. i love his music. UPPER RIGHT: check out kaskade's "move for me" and i dare you not to move your ass!

THE talk...and some toes

the bob stuff.we went to the 4 seasons for breakfast and the convo went like this:
bob: so i want to have breakfast with you and i want to tell you something....
me: ok ( at this point i am literally shivering as if i were waiting to be executed on death row)... i am here. talk to me.
bob: ok, i'll be brief and straight to the point. (like i want him to be anything else). i want to have a relationship with you.
me: ( having just had the best breakfast ever...perfect poached eggs and bacon) ok but what exactly does that mean?
bob: it means that i want to pursue a love relationship with you which does not mean that i am in love with you but that i am almost there.
me: pursue a love relationship? what does that mean?
bob: it means that i think that there is enough real feeling in me to pursue and take this forward to perhaps a love thing.
me: bob this sounds like you are negotiating for love not pursuing love. now how am i supposed to take this proposal.
bob: fuck you tyler! i'm trying to tell you that i think that i love you.
me: ok, now you've got my attention. but honestly: either you love me or your don't.
bob: that's just it: i'm not sure that i do love you but want to pursue the possibility.
me: that is probably the most bloodless declaration of love or maybe not love that i have ever heard.
bob: baby, can i try? i want to try.
me: yes. but you need to make your feelings more apparent, more obvious. we are talking L O V E here not the weather.
bob: ok, but you know that i have problems with this sort of thing.
me: problems or not, make your feelings known to me or it will never work.
bob: gotcha!
so that is how it started and that is how it ended. do i feel better after this convo? honestly, not really. what did i expect? a string orchestra playing in the background while bob, on his knees of course, pleading for my hand in marriage with huge tears dripping from his baleful eyes? frankly, yes. a pledge of undying love, spectacular sex anytime anywhere? yes. the keys to a montecito house close to oprah's? you bet! but i got what i got and there is no doubt that bob is serious and means every word of his carefully composed proposal.
frankly, i'm tired of giving bob the benefit of the doubt. but do i have a choice here?
he was so earnest and honest this morning that my brain tells me that he did the best that he could but my heart and soul is not so sure.
peace,
tyler


ok, the photo of my toes has nothing at all to do with the theme of this blog but timmy needs to see a pair of well cared for toes.....and he can do with them whatever he chooses.


music:the man i love (ella), my man (billie), why did i choose you? (steisand), been on a train (laura nyro), woman's work (maxwell), i try (angela bofill)...

he's back....

though of late (as in the last week or so)i have been telling myself that bob is not the man for me, that maybe (just maybe W) that our relationship is inappropriate: a "relationship" that heretofore has consisted of one chaste kiss...ok maybe not so chaste but only one nonetheless...once i saw him waiting for me after my internship today, standing in front of my face with a snug "i heart ny" tee shirt, black levis shorts and a pair of black leather flips, all his male pulchritude on view for all to see, i melted and all the feelings that i have tried to talk myself out of, all the emotions that i have covered with chocolate, red wine, anejo tequila and fucking under-grad hotties came forth unguarded, surrounded with magic.
i saw him after 10 days standing before me smiling, waving at me like i was returning from war, arriving after a long vacation and something very deep inside me erupted: is it love? is it admiration? is it the type of love that can be called brotherly...or is it the real thing? i don't know but i would be lying to him and to you if i said that seeing him again did not stir me to my core.
i mean, like a scene out of a fuckin' super romantic movie, we ran towards each other, embraced and yes kissed right there on 121st. street.
oddly enough, while in the throes of all of this i was thinking: is this a chaste, brotherly kiss or is this a we are gonna end up making the beast with 2 backs pronto kiss?
i know you want to hear something concrete here but i cannot give it to you. all i can say once again is: i do not know. we certainly did not have sex after that. what we did do is go to carmines on 44th street and eat or more to the point he ate and i watched him consume large quantities of wine and food. ok, i had some wine also.
and we talked about his trip and we talked about his family and i talked about school and my internship and our legs and thighs and arms were touching the whole time.he didn't move away from me and it felt good and it felt close.
he said he missed me and i concurred.
i DID say that when i get back to santa barbara and the university that i had to request a different phd sponsor and he said that yes that is what he had been thinking.
i purposely held back talking about US and he of course being the shy, is he gay or is he str8 surfer dude said nothing in regards to that.
all he said was: i need to talk to you tomorrow.
i said, ok. what i really wanted to say was: would you please admit that you love me and want me to have your babies, get married and live happily ever after...but that was not to be, at least on this beautiful day, in exciting mid-town new york city on monday july 7th, 2008.
until tomorrow.
peace,
tyler

love or romantic songs were in order after today, right?:
whenever, wherever, whatever (maxwell): the ultimate love song, the confession (laura nyro), an empty glass (peggy lee), i try (angela bofill), let's get it on (marvin gaye), the man i love (billie holiday or carmen mccrae), he's so fine (the chiffons) you don't love me when i cry (laura nyro)...

odds and ends: the debauched

ok,so my roomie and i set off for coney island yesterday to witness the nathan's hot dog eating contest which began and ended in controversy in that the contest was chopped by 2 minutes which means that the two favorites Kobayashi and Chestnut had to consume what was predicted would be 66 hot dogs in 2 minutes less than last year: a contest that chestnut won.
at seven minutes, chestnut began to struggle with the puke reflex. with one minute remaining, kobayashi pulled ahead by three dogs. both finish with 59 dogs!

a five dog eat-off will determine the winner. The first to eat the five is the winner. Chestnut wins in a photo finish!
(My opinion - I could not see that Chestnut had shoved in all 5 overtime hot dogs any more than Kobayashi. This should have gone to Penalty Hot Dogs.)

so ok, a little controversy on a warm july4, roomie (he doesn't want me to use his name as all of his friends supposedly secretly read this blog (IF his friends secretly read this blog, how does he know...???)and i decide, since we have a few hours before we hit central park, the concert and the dynamite partying...that a beer or two would be in order. so begins the debauchery, act I.
we find a place that taps guinness and london porter and we proceed to spend 4 hours drinking, NOT eating and getting to know each other which seemed like a good idea since we had been sharing quarters for a month.
we pry ourselves off the bar stools at about 3 pm, go back to the dorm, gather our contributions to the july4 central park concert and we are off. act II.
there are about a dozen uni students there, a keg, multiple bottles of red and white, a huge sandwich from dean and deluca oh yeah and 3 hot guys : under-grads from the, of course, english department (for some reason here most english students are guys and most are cute). we eat, we drink, we drink, we drink, we eat, we listen to the concert (i have no recollection of what was played), we drink. you get the picture. 2 of the english dept dudes are str8 but one, the cutest if you ask me was gay. his name is roger and, after chatting him up and obscenely flirting with him, i somehow found myself on top of him, making out. from what i remember we had a grand time and as for making a spectacle of ourselves in this huge mass of people: nah---------.
by no means were we the only horn dogs doing what comes naturally to horn dogs. to be honest, some str8 couples were even fucking...under blankets of course. (this sounds like what happens at an nine in nails concert or, according to moms, woodstock, right?)
this morning the convo between roomie and me:
roomie: (laughing) you two made a spectacle of yourselves
me: did we get naked?
roomie: no but....
me: ok, so we kept out clothes on then?
roomie: but you were on top of him making licking sounds and you had your tongue down his throat and you were tumescent...
me: boy, sounds like you were pretty interested in what i was doing, huh? tumescent? tumescent??? who talks like that?
roomie: you were lying down right next to me, what else was i supposed to do
me: you could have participated, you could have moved, you could have ignored us. ///
roomie: yes but that isn't all of it.
me: does it involve one of the other of the marginally str8 english lit guys?
roomie: yes, so you remember?
me: yes. (i smile)

we somehow make it out of central park and to the dorm seemingly unscathed when the odd, strange phenomena known as "dialing fingers" hits me. i text and call over a dozen friends in santa barbara on our drive home and chat their heads off. to all of you: mea culpa mea maxima culpa! i hope i was nice. most likely i was merely long winded and joyously drunk.

btw: someone (not me, i swear) sat on my beautiful white chocolate ganache cake but we ate it anyway: i mean it didn't smell of ass or anything and actually complimented the primo red burgundy i brought. roger liked the combo also. (err, i supposedly fed roger cake with my fingers...hmmm...i did have white stuff which i was hoping was not ganache all over my black levi shorts)

so, all in all, a good time was had by all. the only problem was that this am i woke up with a decidedly blue-tinted testicle.
peace,
tyler

recently listened to ipod songs: i can't wait (original flavor mix) andy caldwell, chicago masters ep...chicago dj rasoul, sing (moto blanco remix)annie lennox, effets secondaires...mylene farmer, a taste of honey...morgana king, a tisket, a tasket...ella fitzgerald, in the wee small hours of the morning...frank sinatra, open up (full vocal mix)...leftfield, soul shelter...sander kleinenberg, rise (eric kupper remix)...samantha james....

for no other reason than that i think it is salaciously funny, there is this photo stolen from another blogger's blog (thanks, chris!)


this is jon hamm. he is slammin' hot. i actually wrote a whole blog on jon a month or so ago. i was just thinking about him as i sit here in the uni library. his series "mad men" is first rate and as you can see he just oozes sex appeal. yowza.

short and sweet 7/4/08

the 4th: i plan to go with some school friends to a huge concert in central park at which i will consume large quantities of: animal flesh, new york rye, new york kosher pickles, california and french reds, chocolate ganache cake (which i will make and bring), vanilla ice cream (which we all will churn)and whatever else people bring. i plan to have a good time.

i mentioned maxwell (the r&b singer) this week...and i bave been listening to his stuff almost non-stop since.
songs to check out on youtube by him:
woman's work, whatever, whenever, whatever, ascension.
maxwell sings literally like an angel: he is in a class by himself. i hope he puts out some new music soon.btw: his mtv unplugged concert is primo!

Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest: for the first time ever, i will go watch this yearly hot dog consuming contest:


Takeru Kobayashi, left, of Japan poses for photographs with last years hot dog eating champion Joey Chestnut, of San Jose, Calif., during the weigh in news conference for the Nathan's Famous International Hot Dog Eating Contest Thursday, July 3, 2008 in New York.

have a groovy 4th!
peace,
tyler

Stuff

whereas i was in tip top shape during the regular school year as is expected of one, as in me, who plans to become a sports psychologist. right now, as in this morning i hit the road (as in running)and the gym after a month or so of not doing so.
i looked at myself naked in the mirror this am and genuinely felt that i looked pretty good but i didn't feel up to par so it was back to my training schedule.
and for those of you that have never run down a nyc street at 6 in the morning or at any other time...it is an experience not to be believed.
my university is way up broadway and i wanted to run to times square and back. times square is at 44th street and broadway. in the 160 blocks to and fro the following happened:
1. i was ass pinched and slapped
2. i was called a fuckin' fag
2a. i was also called a meat head and a fuckin' man ho (?!)
3. i was slapped across the face by a street person
4. i was groped in the groinal area by a street person...sex unknown
5. a preppy school fuck tried to trip me
6. a group of mid-town women stuck their collective tongues out at me
7. i stopped in the upper west side for a bagel and smoked salmon but once i got my order i realized that i had not brought any money and was questioned by the police who threatened to take me in for vagrancy
8. seemingly safe back on campus, i tripped and landed on my ass and now have a huge bruise on my upper thigh....
i can't wait to see what tomorrows run will bring: yeehaaawwww...i feel so alive!
the rest of the workout was tough, very tough though a week from now i will be fine.

mr. bob called me this afternoon to let me know that he wants to stay another few days and asked me if i minded (which means i will be w/o him for the 4th: fuck!):
me: yes i do but i want you to have lots of time with your family so that they can leave their beautiful house to you (he sent me pics) and after we are married i will have you murdered...then i will inherit the house....
bob: you are incorrigible
me: i didn't think anyone used that word anymore
bob: i do
me: yes you do
bob: do you miss me?
me: yes i do
(bob's mom in the background): bob hurry or we'll miss the flower show
me: she's kidding, right?
bob: no she isn't. she's dead serious and i am going to drive her there
me: you're a dutiful son
bob: i didn't think anyone used that word anymore...
me: i do
bob: yes you do

you gotta love a man who loves his moms, huh?
peace,
tyler

my top 10 most played itunes songs (be aware that i only use my ipod when i run):
10. situation (richard x remix) yaz
9. sun red sky blue kenna
8. let me know roisin murphy
7. get the balance right depeche mode
6. don't look back telepopmusik
5. daylight kenna
4. let me know (joey negro remix) roisin murphy
3. don't you love me (ronan's disco vocal) andy caldwell
2. steppin' out kaskade
1. amazing (bill hamel remix) seal