ok so it took me 6 weeks to get back to it....

the trip and bbq to new canaan was uneventful this year but nonetheless loads of fun. i love dennis and his moms and pops and they me.
we ate. we drank, we had deep conversations about all sorts of subjects.
these are the kinds of conversations that come from a place of love and respect and therefore we were all as forthcoming as possible. we bleed the truth with no thought of repercussion: either emotional or physical.
we ate, we drank, we got even closer than ever.
so now it is august and i have been here in nyc for almost two months. school is going well and it is a little sad that that this is my last summer in nyc and columbia for this time next year i will have my phD and well into my internship.
7/4/09: what a wild fucking day and night. the vampires are back and one in particular, elliott is on me almost all of the time as you all know elliott is an english under graduate. he is beautiful in a blond, lithe and weird.. not really my type but i can't stop thinking and dreaming about fucking him.
july 4th i went to witness the coney island hot dog eating contest and reveled in the outrageousness of the whole affair. i mean i enjoy a good hot dog once in a while but to eat 68 in 10 minutes or even 10 days makes me want to puke.
the central park concert was a wild affair just as it was last year. people fucking on the lawn, smoking spliff, generally acting a fool. just exactly my scene.
so it is now august 7 and i am loving nyc even more than before. dennis is spending a lot of time with me here in the city and this weekend his moms and pops are coming here and all 4 of us will paint the town blue. more on this later.
peace,
tyler
i'm listening to this a lot lately:

the ice storm redux: new canaan june 2009...PART 1

ang lee, the most humane of current movie directors made a movie of rick moody's...err moody novel, the ice storm in new canaan. the movie was set in the swinging 70's: all bell bottoms, wife swapping and swilling of stoly vodka.
and here i am in new canaan with a waspy family but a family filled and encased with love, not in the general sense of love, the love the one your with love or love is all we need lovr but one of real, deep and all abiding love: it's dennis' moms and pops. they are full of the stuff. they are over flowing with caring and they love their son so much that it sometimes makes me timid, makes me jealous, makes me a yearning hunk of melting, on fire hot humankind.
ok: so saturday after the car wash with pops means shopping at whole foods for saturday night's requisite bbq at which i am the designated cook but pops is the designated sponsor of said event. so pops and i go to the super gay, super waspy new canaan whole foods and it is there where we find all sorts of comestibles at ridiculous prices and i wonder: where is this so-called minor depression that everyone on tv is discussing? well i'm here to tell you it ain't here in new canaan that is for sure.
so pops pushes the cart while i take and throw things into the cart...and after two years of these bbq's, i do not even look at the cost of anything, which for me, is a revelation as i,like most, must watch every penny i spend. but so be it.
i decide that i will bbq a lamb leg which i will bone, marinate in oil, mint and garlic. we will also have bbq'd artichoke hearts with garlic dipping cream and a shitload of smashed oregon yellow potatoes/butter and creme fraiche. since it is pops favorite, i will also make my infamous brownies. we also bought a case of cambria chardonnay and one of shraumsberg blanc de noir champagne...and for me 3 lbs of dark chocolate with almonds...which i start to eat in the store.
there are a lot and i mean a lot of gay couples with strollers and children and they give the pops and i the once over and damn it if pops clings to me in a suggestive manner...the old sod, heh?
so the shopping done, pops suggests that we hit the country club for drinks (moms and dennis are out shopping)and he intros me to his cronies as his son's good friend...
of course we get a little drunk on patron anejo and proceed to have a great time talking about dennis: who we both love, respect and adore.
dennis is the kind of dude that, even after you (as in me) don't write or e-mail him for a while will always seem up and positive when you finally decide to do so. he does not have one whit of bitchiness or negativity in his body. dennis is a refreshing person: one who makes you feel good about yourself by merely being in his company.
so pops and i spend 4 hours at the country club boozing like maniacs and crawl home basically...and i wonder: how the fuck am i going to put this huge bbq dinner together in THIS condition?
more soon.
peace,
t.

new canaan, connecticut: 06 20 09

arrived here this morning via train and dennis' pops was waiting for me. it has become a tradition now that pops and i go to the new canaan car wash when i am in town to have his car washed.
for you long standing readers: many things have happened in said car wash including an extremely handsome dude who came onto me, while pops was dealing with something and asked me if pops and i were lovers...out of the blue as it were. now the pops is a very handsome 50 ish man and, to be honest, he and i do make a head turning couple...but he is str8, married to dennis' mom and much more important to me as a father and mentor than as a proposed lover.
in other words: i keep my hands and my mind off the goods and respect and love him in a fatherly way. enough said?
anyways, pops and i went directly to the car wash. and what a car wash it is: dry cleaners, putting green, massage chair, snack bar serving fucking ceviche and now, new for this year: a tequila shot bar.
so, who am i to go against the grain of a groovy suburban town like this, heh? yup: the pops and i have a couple of patron anjeo's while his new escalade is being washed.
ok: so yes i had to wonder how the total white waspy-ness of pops would decide to buy that most hip-hoppish of vehicles: an escalade.
when i asked him about it almost immediately after we left the train station he merely said: "tyler, i'm hip." and you know what...the pops is, was and will forever be just that.
we did shots, we ate ceviche and i even got a pedicure today all in the company of one of my favorite men of all times: dennis' pops.
nothing else much happened but dennis lent me his father for a few hours and i basked in the love of a man whose only thoughts about/towards me were based on love, respect and an abiding interest in my well being.
i have been without a father for so long that our time together is very very dear to me. thanks pops: you are the tops!
peace,
tyler

monday, 6/15/09, D-DAY

all went well today but it was a major bitch of a day: required workout, analysis with a new analyst...never an easy thing. seminars were heavy but stimulating. right now i need some pinot noir and i brought enough trader joe's dark chocolate with almonds to last me...ok maybe a month. so i am set.
for now, for tonight.
my new living quarters are plush as befitting an almost clinical psychologist. yeah i know that is a quasi superior attitude. but c'mon i've worked like a mother fuck to get here at the point in my life when my life's goal is actually within my reach: i can see it, i can feel it inside and i can almost touch it.
speaking of touching it, elliott the beautiful english undergrad and super cute vampire and i made out like bandits today in central park: very close to the scene of our near sex of last july 4th. he makes me crazy: what can i say?
anyone watching nurse jackie on showtime? do so. it is primo and of course, true blood started again last night: speaking of vampires. more later.
peace,
t.

i'm here, i'm partied out and i'm ready to work

dennis and i arrived here in nyc a couple of days ago and have not stopped surveying, working out, surfing and generally partying: all or most of which will end very very soon...as in after tomorrow, sunday.
then the real work of why i am here in nyc begins.
classes, seminars, interning, assisting the profs, working out: all of this on a daily basis.
the vampires have made their presence known and elliott (you remember the one that i almost fucked on the lawn in strawberry fields last july 4th) and i have chatted and even nuzzled a bit. a couple of the vamps are following me but they are so beautiful that i really don't care. why is it that under grad english majors are so gorgeous, huh?
by the way i asked elliott what he thought of the HBO series, TRUE BLOOD and he said: pure fiction! you gotta love dem vamps.
i will spend some time with dennis and his pops amd moms in new canaan very soon and if you remember from last year: new canaan is a rockin' place! suburbia at its wealthiest and sleaziest. i love it there and i love dennis' family. more on that later.
dennis, btw has eased into his gayness since last year when he revealed all to his his family. we never really become bonified gay men until that happens, ain't that the truth? anyway, dennis has matured, has had his heart broken by an older dude and is now pining for a younger one: all signs that our boy dennis is easin' and breezin' into gay life with a smile.
more on all of this later.
peace,
tyler
i'm currently loving this song:

vampires, damian and oh yes: my last summer here as a student

yes, it is time for me to once more, and for the last time as a student, go to nyc and columbia for advance psychology classes and seminars.
in a week, i will be there: smack dab in the morningside heights (way upper west side, almost harlem really) area of nyc at good ole columbia university. this year i will drive with dennis,my new canaan friend, from chicago. not a long trip i don't think but dennis, being dennis....it will be a fun and interesting drive.
i will once more intern with a clinical/sports psychologist whose practice is on the upper west side very near columbus circle.
new york city has been very special to me always. even as a child the uncs brought me there for vacations and we went to the opera and ballet and to central park (strawberry fields) to listen to him reminisce on how important the beatles played a part in his life.
i was immersed in his memories of nyc for years but now i have my own: once again strawberry fields, carnegie deli, the university, running down broadway to 36th where macy's takes up a whole city block and of course the vampires and the many things that transpired last year on the 4th of july: making out with one of the vamps, watching the nathan's hot dog eating contest on coney island, watching two gay men in their 70's making out in front of carnegie hall on a hot sunday morning and my transexual prostitute neighbors who sucked off old men in order to pay their tuition.
i have a life i think in nyc and though i have always felt that i would practice in southern california, nyc now seems like a viable possibility.
i will once again live in the dorms but will now live alone yet among other university students.
to be honest it will be a relief to be alone and far away from bob and all the emotional shit that that entails. i will be able and look forward to seeing dennis and his moms and pops in new canaan connecticut. new canaan is/has always been a source of good stories, innit?
much life, many memories, some sadness, lots of learning and experiences await me there. and how can forget damian. damian: one of the hottest fucks of my whole life. we didn't even exchange names until the next morning. i am wistful: overly so i admit about him. oh well. one of the many pleasures of nyc is the men. men of all shapes and sizes, all ethnicities: a cornucopia of manhood.
i look forward to it: now more than ever. wish me luck.

it's been a long time since i have written down my thoughts in this blog. it's about time, innit?
the breakup with bob lingered and festered and made me physically sick. yet, i was never more committed to my studies as i have been the last few months. strange, huh?
i guess anything to avoid the reality of the man that i loved left me. the man that i thought that I would spend the rest of my life with didn't want me anymore. the man with whom i planned to have children left because "something was missing."
we loved each other: all the fibers of my being tell me that this was true...on both our parts.
i see bob daily as he is a professor here at ucsb. when i see him i want to run away. and many times i did. i couldn't bare to see him, to look into his beautiful face, to hear the beautiful tone of his voice, to notice how well he looked.
but now some months later, i am better. i can and do deal.
the pain is lessening. i can talk to him now without too much trouble.
my friends have been a big help and so has the uncs though he has had his own, more physical problem with which to deal.
i am surviving because of the love that surrounds me. i may not be loved by that special person but i am enveloped in the love of friends and family.
i will move on. i HAVE moved on.
i often wonder what i would do, what would i feel if i saw bob with another guy or even a woman and i know that i would feel as if a stake had been driven through my already swollen and hurting heart. but maybe not.
i thank god on a daily basis that i have my studies to keep me busy. my internship with a local sports psychologist helps me put my life into perspective...believe me. i hear stories of real pain and anguish on a daily basis and i think: you fucking fool and YOU think that you have problems??
i have started, as this is part of my studies, to counsel athletes on any number of problems psychological in nature, that can affect performance.
i have even had a couple of dates and fucked a couple of dudes: signs that lead me to believe that i am really moving on. a couple of months ago i closed up emotionally and physically: i did not jerk off for weeks. i turned off all emotions except those that i felt for the uncs and for my friends. i turned down dates. the thought of spending time with a man made me physically ill.
the fact that i am even writing here is a good sign: of this i am sure.
music also helps and there is so much of it around me lately. minnie ripperton once again is helping me to survive: laura nyro also. nyro...the music of my Moms. the music she played while she cleaned the house when i was so so young.
i look at my uncs and i can see my mother there inside him. (he is her brother)
he looks at me with concern and love when i smile at him and say: i see you there, i know that you are watching over me. i guess he thinks that i am speaking to him and i leave it at that. why would i want to hurt the one man in my life on whom i can really count?
so 3 readers: i am here. i am good as i can be. i will survive. school has never been better and i look forward to my last school in nyc this summer: vampires i'm coming back!
thank you to the few of you who have kept in touch via my e-mail. you have been of major help to me and i will never forget you for this.
peace,
tyler

supplication

satriani approaches the altar of jeff beck and kneels in supplication....

i need you tonight.....

sometimes i need this song to get me through. maybe to wallow a bit as she is wallowing in the deep recesses of unrequited love.
listen. relate if you can.
peace,
tyler

deadmau5

if all else fails.....DANCE!
study, classes, work, working out, being with friends,going out and dancing. these are the things that have helped me in the process of getting over bob.
also: talking to my counselor has definitely helped. the odd thing is that i didn't automatically think that i needed counseling which is EXACTLY what i needed.
i'm better. i will go on with my life. i hurt still as an unhealed wound smarts when it is accidentally touched.
peace,
tyler

it's over...for now

i guess it was bound to happen: certainly if you listened to my friends who would almost daily tell me how wrong/disjointed/crazy/ silly, unfathomable it is/was/ will always be.
i love and trust my friends but when you really love someone and by that i mean: REALLY love from the deepest and darkest regions of your heart and soul love...no one can tell you anything. they all tried to set me on the course that they would walk if they were in the same position that i found myself.
and i found myself about a year ago faced with the man of my dreams: youngish, handsome, vulnerable, physically and mentally strong/ what's not to love, heh?
there was no big bang, no big explosion, no huge argument. we parted as friends a week ago and we will remain friends.
the age difference was too much to overcome maybe. maybe he misses women. but he loves me: this much i know. this much he has told me. but something is missing and neither of us can pinpoint it: which may very well be the problem.
this morning was the first sunday morning in a long time that he wasn't here with me, stumbling out of our bed, hair askew scrounging for coffee and food. i missed that and i missed him.
but hey: he will also miss me. of this i am sure. this is about all that i will say about this. i am going to be really corny here and quote a phrase from one of my favorite, if not my very favorite poem:
WHEN your face
appeared over my crumpled life
at first I understood
only the poverty of what I have.
Then its particular light
on woods, on rivers, on the sea,
became my beginning in the coloured world
in which I had not yet had my begninning.
I am so frightened, I am so frightened,
of the unexpected sunrise finishing,
of revelations
and tears and the excitement finishing.
I don't fight it, my love is this fear,
I nourish it who can nourish nothing,
love's slipshod watchman.
Fear hems me in.
I am conscious that these minutes are short
and that the colours in my eyes will vanish
when your face sets.

peace,
tyler

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!

here's hoping you have someone warm or even cold next to you tonight: my 5 readers.
thanks for the support all year.
chet or chaka: couldn't decide...so you get both
peace,
tyler

"mary, can you hear me?"

this is my first blog in a while and in the time between january first and today my life has been frantic with school, friends, working (yes i do actually pick up a few chef gigs now and then)and loving. my love life is going well: a few bumps but overall we are doing fine.
the uncs had some health problems and i had to rush back and forth from santa barbara to los angeles to care for him. as i have said a number of times: he is/has been/ will always be number one in my life. in fact, i owe my life to him.
i haven't spoken much of my studies but day by day, month by month, year by year...IT all becomes clearer and clearer to me: this is what i was meant to do with my life. i have always had a 6th sense about other people's feelings and thoughts. i was always the person my friends and family came to for advice. my course study is back bending, my resolve to not make it get to me resolute and fierce. i want this. i will get this.
the interning portion of my studies is mind blowing. i get to see first hand how my studies can turn into real help to others. does that make sense? am i being as eloquent as i want to be about a profession that i have spent my whole life striving for?
i hope so because it has been not only a life long dream but a life long goal: this is IT. this is what i want to do with the rest of my life.
music-wise, i have discovered, along with thousands of others on youtube, matthew luke sandoval who i am showcasing here. love this guy. he's got over 50 vids on youtube ranging from the classics to his own compositions. listen to him.
peace,
tyler

laura nyro

today i watched a music/interview show hosted by elvis costello. today's guest musician was elton john. now the reason this is of any importance to me and therefore to all of you is that elton john is a rabid laura nyro fan. according to elton...since the late 1960's when nyro began her career as a professional.
so why is all of this so personal to me? well, for at least 2 reasons:
1. moms played nyro all the time and though i was very young, i still remember the songs. she probably played nyro when she was pregnant with me so therefore i was aware of nyro before my actual birth.
2. because my uncle is moms brother, he too was/is a laura nyro fan and since he raised me once the 'rents were gone, i continued to be immersed in nyro's music until now i am a big fan of hers.
so sir elton went on about nyro for about 15 minutes, playing snippets of her music, rhapsodizing about how important she was to many current musicians and generally being a fan. i love him for this. elton is a music fan as well as a musician and has no problem talking up someone other than himself.
nyro is not for everyone obviously and her musical output stopped in 1997 when she died of ovarian cancer: so her career spanned a mere 10 years.
ahhh, but what music! personal, dramatic, complex, musically mature and complicated but always accessible if you are open to it. she was never a star though much of her work was recorded and made into hits by others.
laura is a family thing to me as in she is like a part of my family and when i listen to her i can't help but think of my beautiful moms: her hair falling in her face washing dishes or doing laundry or some such household chore (i really can't be sure as i was very very young)or sitting on this big green chair, singing the lyrics to herself, reading, thinking, being.
the vid above is a recording of laura doing a very old song accompanied by patty labelle: a very simple, direct song...in many ways like her own work and in many ways not like her own work. you tube has a decent array of her stuff. check it out.
peace,
tyler